beenburned Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Infidelity seems to have many outreaching effects, not just to the spouses, but to extended family members that are also affected. My daughter's 1st H (who was her HS sweetheart), left her after only 1 year of marriage for an OW. Now after being married to her 2nd H for 9 years, she is divorcing him for adultery. He had OW#1 for 4 years and then added OW#2 for 2 years. The OW found out about each other and were furious enough with him to call my daughter and reveal all. Including all photos, cell phone records, journals, receipts for trips/gifts, etc. that she will need for court. My heart breaks for my daughter as she is a good Christian person who is loved by all that know her. All of the OW mentioned above were single trampy wh***s that didn't give a sh** about having an affair with a married man. How can these normal average guys desire such trash over a beautiful (inside and out), intellegent young woman?
Steen719 Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I am going to say something you may not want to hear. I did not when I heard it, but I have given it a lot of thought over the last few months. The psychologist I saw told me that I needed to look at why I chose the men I did. At first, I thought, yeah, yeah...my choices, hmmm:mad:. But, I think he is right. I know that it is the other person's decisions to cheat and we are not able to see in the future. I also know we do not deserve cheating from another person; that is on them. However, I do think, in my case, I could have made better choices in my life and when I honestly sit quietly and think about my life, I do know that I had many opportunities to listen to my instincts and did not. I hope I did not offend you as I am not trying to blame your daughter. I am just suggesting that, for me, if I ever make a decision to be with another man, I will listen to my best instincts and if I "think" what I hear is not quite right, I will take stock. Sorry for your daughter's pain. One is enough for a lifetime, but twice is hard to move on from.
Author beenburned Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 Steen, You did not offend me. Yes, lots of people pick spouses that have red flags before the marriage. But in my daughter's case, both of these young men were from good Christian homes, in which we knew the families. Everyone in our community is shocked by both of their behaviors.
kaleidoscope Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I'm sorry for all the hurt you and your daughter are going through. What I learned is that even seemingly good people can have bad behavior. Basically he was acting like a child. He wanted his cake and eat it too. You can see this happening over and over on this site. Not all guys are like that. Some won't cheat even if there is no sex in the relationship (like myself). So take heart that there are guys out there who aren't like that.
Author beenburned Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 Kaleidoscope, Thank you for the good thoughts! Unfortunately they have a child that this is affecting! It's past time for him to grow up and act like a responsible adult.
Spark1111 Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Infidelity seems to have many outreaching effects, not just to the spouses, but to extended family members that are also affected. My daughter's 1st H (who was her HS sweetheart), left her after only 1 year of marriage for an OW. Now after being married to her 2nd H for 9 years, she is divorcing him for adultery. He had OW#1 for 4 years and then added OW#2 for 2 years. The OW found out about each other and were furious enough with him to call my daughter and reveal all. Including all photos, cell phone records, journals, receipts for trips/gifts, etc. that she will need for court. My heart breaks for my daughter as she is a good Christian person who is loved by all that know her. All of the OW mentioned above were single trampy wh***s that didn't give a sh** about having an affair with a married man. How can these normal average guys desire such trash over a beautiful (inside and out), intellegent young woman? As a fBS with two grown daughters, one married and the other in a serious relationship she hopes leads to marriage, this is so painful to read. I/we have talked as a family about my H's infidelity and hopefully, that has taught them a thing or two about marriage, communication, and how to survive the ups and downs of any long-term relationship. A few points: Coming from a good Christian family does not guarantee good Christian behavior. Period. As hard as it was to hear, post D-DAY, I was too good, too kind, to respectful of my H...I loved and trusted him blindly and made it oh-so-easy for him to lie and deceive me. In retrospect, a veritable doormat. I needed to STOP It, and set clear boundaries, demand respect and transparency in my relationship, and expect TO RECEIVE from my spouse what I gave him; love, trust, respect and appreciation. Your daughter needs to raise her degree of difficulty. She needs to demand from her spouse what she gives so freely; and if she does not receive it, she needs to walk away. I am so sorry for your heartbreak. Her's too. But God never intended woman to be doormats; HE designed us to be a gift of joy to those who appreciate us. And even in the Old Testament, women were allowed to seek divorce from men who committed infidelity. Think about that. A woman could initiate the end of her marriage to an unfaithful man thousands of years ago. I wish you and your daughter peace through this difficult time.
Steen719 Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 A few points: Coming from a good Christian family does not guarantee good Christian behavior. Period. I agree with this. I don't think a person's religious conscience protects them from infidelity at all. Some of the worst offenders I have known have been looked upon as being "very religious". Conversely, I have known people who have not cheated and they are not "religious". I have to use quotes because I am really not sure what this means. However, I know that just because someone goes to church does not mean they are honest or live according to the word. A friend of mine (youth minister) who took church groups of high school kids to the beach every year said they had constantly go looking for the kids who paired up and scromped in the dunes. (God fearing Baptist kids) It happens everywhere with all kinds of people.
Author beenburned Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 Spark, Thank you for the heartwarming post! I hate to mention it, but I think most young married people are fighting an uphill battle in today's society. With so many people not having good morals/values, infidelity is more widespread than it was years ago! I also am a long ago BS that gave too much to my H without getting the same in return. In my case, I dated someone long distance, and didn't know him well enough to get married at that time. I was too naive, innocent, and trusting of everyone.(due to my upbringing) Steen, Yes, there are never any quaranties in life. But I still think the ODDS are better with someone who shares the same values/morals as you.(even if sometimes they fail to live by them)
YellowShark Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Steen719 hit the nail on the head beenburned. Your daughter's man-picker is broken. Why it is remains to be discovered. And it doesn't matter what kinda "home" he came from. Some men - (and women) - simply lack the moral compass to remain faithful, they are too much into their own needs and desires.. and they will even throw the people closest to them under a bus for their own validation and sex. Since you daughter's second husband cheated not once, but twice, he is obviously a serial cheater. Since they were both long-term affairs which he kept under wraps from ALL THREE women like a pro, I bet ya my next paycheck he has been a cheater his entire life.
Author beenburned Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 YellowShark, Yes, you are right on the money about XSIL being a charismatic con- artist. I am tickled pink that all 3 women dumped his a** when they found out the truth! And both of the OW gave my D stacks of evidence she is using to file on the grounds of adultery. D has already said she will never get married again. I find this very sad because she wanted more children. She is very family oriented, giving, and loving.
Breezy Trousers Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 YellowShark, Yes, you are right on the money about XSIL being a charismatic con- artist. I am tickled pink that all 3 women dumped his a** when they found out the truth! And both of the OW gave my D stacks of evidence she is using to file on the grounds of adultery. D has already said she will never get married again. I find this very sad because she wanted more children. She is very family oriented, giving, and loving. BB, I'm glad the OW are helping your daughter out. Your D might heal more quickly by increasing her awareness of narcissistic abuse (which, from what you say, may be what she experienced). If women don't learn about this, they either repeat their past mistakes or avoid relationships altogether ... Knowledge is power! By learning how it operates, your D can regain her self confidence ... Sandra Brown's book, "Women Who Love Psychopaths," is amazing (despite its dumb title) ... Brown explains in detail why women who test extremely high in empathy -- "very giving, loving" women like your D -- are so appealing to men suffering from NPD/BPD. I also recommend Melanie Tonia Evans' free podcasts. Both resources might be quite liberating for your daughter.
YellowShark Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 YellowShark, Yes, you are right on the money about XSIL being a charismatic con- artist. Yup. I figured as much. And the fact that he comes from - in your words- "a good Christian home," should tell you that religion has nothing to do with morality. That should never be a yardstick to measure a person by. I mean really, look at how many priests and televangelists have done terrible sexual things to people. I am tickled pink that all 3 women dumped his a** when they found out the truth! And both of the OW gave my D stacks of evidence she is using to file on the grounds of adultery. I am also impressed and happy that they have all joined forces against this one very bad guy. D has already said she will never get married again. I find this very sad because she wanted more children. She is very family oriented, giving, and loving. I can understand that this is how she feels *now*. She needs to regroup, dump this loser, seek councelling for her hurt and choice of men - (since she is two for two, both cheaters)... then I think she shall feel different once the black cloud has passed. Good luck to her, and nail this scumball to the wall.
Author beenburned Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 Thanks Yellow Shark! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone here!!!
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