missjones Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Hi all, my story can be found under 'did I make the right choice?' but just to bring you up to speed, after nearly 3 months of NC (and me ending it) my MM contacted me a few days ago..a few things were said, but the one thing that has stuck with me is that he says the only reason this hasn't worked out is because I walked away rather than supporting him when he needed it (when he was going to leave)..I'm interested to know what others think about this. IMO, I stood by him for over a year, and he didn't leave..Having had time to reflect I now think that if he wants to leave his wife and child that he needs to do it of his own accord because his marriage isn't right and can't be worked out..However, I also think that if we were to be a team and had any future together then I should have been there for him and not been so cold. welcome honest advice. Thanks
Spark1111 Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 All over these boards lately is a common theme: If a man really wants you he will move heaven and earth to be with you and only you. Why? Because men are action and goal-oriented in the pursuit of what they do want. Words, without action, is a sure sign that you may have been played a bit. If he is now trying to make YOU feel bad that you weren't ready to continue being the OW, then I think that is manipulative and wrong and immature. Stick to your guns. Whether he leaves or not is up to him, and after one year, I'd say he was dragging his feet and you were spot on to give him the heave-ho.
2sunny Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 He's a dork! He blames YOU for his bad behavior? NO!!! It's his! He's married! IF he intended to be with you - he would.. But he didn't. No need to listen to him lie any further. He's manipulating just like usual.
Owl Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Has the affair resumed in light of his recent contact, or have you told him to take a walk (again) and NC has resumed? That's the important question. That's where your focus should be on again. He can rationalize, play games all he wants, but if nothing has changed except that he broke NC with you...time to enforce NC again and drive on.
MissBee Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 (edited) Bullshhhyt! IMHO. As you said, you were with him for a year and he didn't leave. He got into his marriage alone....he can get out alone Is a MM soooooo fragile that he NEEDS the "support" of an other woman in the wings to leave his marriage? Curious...since many a times the wife he is leaving does not have an OM in the wings helping her out and no one will be there to catch her fall IF he does leave (but it all makes sense since less MM leave, so they actually don't need support to leave....they just want an OW...and use the BS support line....and ONLY when the OW is about to leave or has done NC do they pull that one out of their butts). A man like that needs to grow up! You don't need an OW holding your hand or peniiis to get out of your marriage. Someone who loves you WILL NOT ask you to stand by and be their OW if it hurts you. He's obviously only thinking of himself and turning around his lack of responsibility and action on you instead of accepting the blame. Don't fall for the guilt trip. It's so crazy how we can allow these people to convince us into believing that we're at fault and if only WE did or did not do X then magically THEY would have done Y....WTF?! NO! As I said....a good man will realize he wants out of his marriage and handle it with decency and tact with his wife and if he so happens to get involved with another....will realize this situation is not right and handle BOTH women with respect and not blame his wife for everything OR blame the other woman for him not leaving....when someone does that, guaranteed they are full of shyyt! No one's perfect. But it is EASY to spot those who are trying, those who ADMIT their faults and want to make things right versus those always looking out for self, always finding scapegoats and always the victim of everyone and everything else. Edited December 21, 2011 by MissBee
TigerCub Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 (edited) Hey Missjones, Oh MY!! I was actually just gonna start a thread about what I believe is a common feeling on the OM/OW's part when in an A - and that is being torn between walking vs. feeling as if maybe we need to tough it out, stand by them and show that we are different and we're gonna weather any storm... Having said that, what I was gonna say, is that its this kind of thinking that keeps people in an affair. Your xMM is a complete douche! He's blaming his own indecision and cowardice on you!! He's messing with your mind and ya know what the saddest thing is - he most likely believe the bull**** he's trying to sell you because its the only way he can say that the break up between the 2 of you was your fault, not his. He'd rather believe all that crap than actually acknowledge for a second that it was his inaction and his lying and bullcrap that is the real cause. Look, I'm all for standing by my man - but if he was actually my man! I felt the same at times in my A - I questioned if I was abandoning him like his dad(s) did, if I was supposed to show how much I love him by standing by him - but all along, the real truth was that he abandoned me, scratch that, he was never with me to begin-with, and I'm sorry but the same goes for you. Its not your job to hold his hand and/or wipe his ass. As you said it, you were with him for a year and he didn't do anything, so really how long are you supposed to "stand by him" and "support" his nonsense. He's a complete turd for trying to manipulate you and pin this all on you. But honestly, I say let him , who cares, just don't restart the A with him, because from the way he's on right now, its almost safe to say that you would be in for more of his manipulation, blame shifting and bitch ass complaining. Edited December 21, 2011 by TigerCub
2sunny Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Call and tell his wife what his truth is. Tell her - she deserves to understand he didn't leave her because you weren't supportive enough for him. I bet he stops his contact after that. His manipulation, hurt and control will come to an end... Which helps.
phillyfan Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Hi all, my story can be found under 'did I make the right choice?' but just to bring you up to speed, after nearly 3 months of NC (and me ending it) my MM contacted me a few days ago..a few things were said, but the one thing that has stuck with me is that he says the only reason this hasn't worked out is because I walked away rather than supporting him when he needed it (when he was going to leave)..I'm interested to know what others think about this. IMO, I stood by him for over a year, and he didn't leave..Having had time to reflect I now think that if he wants to leave his wife and child that he needs to do it of his own accord because his marriage isn't right and can't be worked out..However, I also think that if we were to be a team and had any future together then I should have been there for him and not been so cold. welcome honest advice. Thanks Man, total BS. He is just talkin sum crazy s**t and he knows it. He is just sum freak tht wants 2 blame otha ppl for anythin that goes bad. He spent a yr f**kin u and his wife n u waitd all tht time n now he is sayin tht a yr werent long enuf? What a loser. U aint missin nothin, u wait 5 more yrs, he wudnt leave his wife, hed just giv u sh*t n say 'u only waitd 5 yrs' LOL. N girl it aint a sign tht u werent into him enuf, u left cos of a littl sumthin called goddam SELF RESPECT.
East7 Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 .....a few things were said, but the one thing that has stuck with me is that he says the only reason this hasn't worked out is because I walked away rather than supporting him when he needed it (when he was going to leave)..I'm interested to know what others think about this. ..... welcome honest advice. Thanks I agree 100% with TigerCub. Missjones, you never abandoned him, he was never with you in a relationship to begin with. I have been in your shoes more than once with my xMW. When our A ended, she came back and told me that I lacked empathy for her, that I was cruel for not wanting her to be happy with her Husband, that I abandoned her...I don't remember all the crazy things...but basically she made it look like that, if we weren't together it was ALL my fault ! When I heard all those things, I was like you, I doubted a lot. She was sooo good at looking like a Love Martyr while I was the cruel lover hurting her... Actually it was quite the opposite. I was grieveing like hell, thinking about her everyday and how she threw me under the bus. I realized months later, that it was all manipulation to try to win back, not me, but my love and adoration. She wanted my love, she was craving it but she didn't want me (a relationship with me). Like Tiger said, the worst of it it is that they believe their own BS ! I'm sure my xMW believed what she was telling me. MM/MW lie to their spouses, to their APs and to THEMSELVES. They convince themselves that they love their spouses in the reconciliation stage while they grieve in secret their lover and they try to convince themselves (rationalization) that AP wasn't worth it and the AP is the bad guy. Blame-shifting is part of the MM/MW manual. Please don't let yourself be sucked back in.
Author missjones Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 Thanks for your responses...and for those who have asked..yes as far as I'm concerned, the affair has not started again and NC has resumed..the truth is I can't cope being the OW and the emotional turmoil that goes with this territory so NC is the only way it can be. As far as I'm concerned it's over until the day he turns up on my doorstep with divorce papers... Logic tells me that that the advice you are all offering is 100% spot on. However, as many other OW/OM out there will know, the hightened emotion in a such a situation makes it a different equation altogether...I've no intention of contacting him again, if however he turns around and comes up trumps I'll let you know...
whichwayisup Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 after nearly 3 months of NC (and me ending it) my MM contacted me a few days ago..a few things were said, but the one thing that has stuck with me is that he says the only reason this hasn't worked out is because I walked away rather than supporting him when he needed it (when he was going to leave)..I'm interested to know what others think about this. What an idiot. Things didn't work out because you weren't by his side. Hello, if he is/was going to leave and divorce his wife he could/should do just so reguardless if you are there or not. This guy is trying to manipulate you, make you feel bad because he didn't have the balls to follow through on what he told you. He's full of shi.t! He's still the same selfish no balled man, now instead of putting this on himself, he's putting on you.
2sunny Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I'd like to ask... How are you expected to stand by and support a man who betrays himself, his wife and you? I'd love to know how that's possible?
18Years2Late Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Thanks for your responses...and for those who have asked..yes as far as I'm concerned, the affair has not started again and NC has resumed..the truth is I can't cope being the OW and the emotional turmoil that goes with this territory so NC is the only way it can be. As far as I'm concerned it's over until the day he turns up on my doorstep with divorce papers... Logic tells me that that the advice you are all offering is 100% spot on. However, as many other OW/OM out there will know, the hightened emotion in a such a situation makes it a different equation altogether...I've no intention of contacting him again, if however he turns around and comes up trumps I'll let you know... And you'd take him back with D papers because....?!?!?!? This guy is a selfish a$$clown...with divorce papers in hand...he's still a selfish a$$clown...only then he'd b your problem instead of W... Come on...kick his A$$ to the curb and move on...u deserve more...
goldengirl86 Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 No you should not have stood by him, when was he ever there for you? The truth is he realised what he has lost, and you wants you back so by telling you that if you had just stood by him or if you come back to me and be there for me i will eventually leave, but something will just keep coming up to stop him from leaving. Because at the end of the day he is the only one who will get everthing he wants, he gets to be adored by two women, does not have to man up and choose and hurt one or the other or be the bad guy. The OW/M is always the one who is more easily deposed off it may be that they loves there w/h's more or could just be they cant deal with the fall out. The loss of friends and family, the embrassment, the explaining everything so it is easier to throw the OW/M under the bus.
Author missjones Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 Thanks for the comments...I guess I just find it hard to know whether he is b*** Sh***ng me or not because of the fact that he has a baby daughter - and if what he says is to be believed then the only reason he is finding it hard to leave/hasn't left yet is the child - and because he feels like he'll be failing in his responsibility as a parent by walking out..Also, just to be clear, our relationship hasn't been physical and he hasn't been 'using' me for sex... I guess situations like this aren't always black and white?
goldengirl86 Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I can understand that things are not always black and white its always the shades of grey that make things in life far more complex. I get the sence that you are caving and that there is a chance that you will go back to him. If it is meant to be then it will be, i think people who have been through this just no how much it hurts and they want to spare people from going through that pain.
2sunny Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I'd like to ask... How are you expected to stand by and support a man who betrays himself, his wife and you? I'd love to know how that's possible? You didn't answer... ?
LilyBart Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Hi all, my story can be found under 'did I make the right choice?' but just to bring you up to speed, after nearly 3 months of NC (and me ending it) my MM contacted me a few days ago..a few things were said, but the one thing that has stuck with me is that he says the only reason this hasn't worked out is because I walked away rather than supporting him when he needed it (when he was going to leave)..I'm interested to know what others think about this. IMO, I stood by him for over a year, and he didn't leave..Having had time to reflect I now think that if he wants to leave his wife and child that he needs to do it of his own accord because his marriage isn't right and can't be worked out..However, I also think that if we were to be a team and had any future together then I should have been there for him and not been so cold. welcome honest advice. Thanks MissJones - please keep in mind that while this is an OW/OM forum it is also a public one and anyone (and everyone) can (and does) post. If you care to check on the background of the posters, you will find plenty of BWs and BHs, not just "former" OW/OM but "reformed" OW and OM, giving their opinion here. I'm not saying their advice is wrong - as it is their opinion. I just want you to take it with a grain of salt and consider the source before you take it to heart. ON AVERAGE, it takes 3+ years for someone who is involved in an A to dissolve their M. This isn't a scientific figure but culled from the people I have known. Unless the MP is having an "exit affair", this is not something that gets resolved overnight. The concept of "moving heaven and earth" gets bandied about A LOT - much to the dismay of OW/OM. It is said (I believe) to purposely make the OW/OM think they are not loved and/or not loved enough. BUT ONLY YOU KNOW THE TRUTH - he may have loved you more than heaven and earth...but for whatever reason couldn't make the break. Some men DO need a soft landing. They DO need to have their OW waiting with open arms. Even if they wanted to leave, without a "sure thing" they will stay M'd because "something is better than nothing". It's possible that he would have eventually left had you been "supportive" - but you have decided that an A is not what you wanted. So it's more about YOU and what YOU want in life.
2sunny Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Most importantly - this is about you living with your conscience - and the choices that you make - how they affect you and others. That is always up to you.
LadyGrey Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 MissJones - please keep in mind that while this is an OW/OM forum it is also a public one and anyone (and everyone) can (and does) post. If you care to check on the background of the posters, you will find plenty of BWs and BHs, not just "former" OW/OM but "reformed" OW and OM, giving their opinion here. I'm not saying their advice is wrong - as it is their opinion. I just want you to take it with a grain of salt and consider the source before you take it to heart. ON AVERAGE, it takes 3+ years for someone who is involved in an A to dissolve their M. This isn't a scientific figure but culled from the people I have known. Unless the MP is having an "exit affair", this is not something that gets resolved overnight. The concept of "moving heaven and earth" gets bandied about A LOT - much to the dismay of OW/OM. It is said (I believe) to purposely make the OW/OM think they are not loved and/or not loved enough. BUT ONLY YOU KNOW THE TRUTH - he may have loved you more than heaven and earth...but for whatever reason couldn't make the break. Some men DO need a soft landing. They DO need to have their OW waiting with open arms. Even if they wanted to leave, without a "sure thing" they will stay M'd because "something is better than nothing". It's possible that he would have eventually left had you been "supportive" - but you have decided that an A is not what you wanted. So it's more about YOU and what YOU want in life. LOL, you are such a hoot Lily. Irregardless of your claim that you aren't saying everyone else you don't don't agree with is wrong, I do believe that is exactly what you are saying.
MissBee Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 (edited) Lily is too much.... Always coming to the rescue of some poor OW who others are "brainwashing" into believing the relationship she says hurts her and she explains in her own words as a mess.....is in fact probably not so much of a good idea. There is hardly a situation in which I'd tell anyone to wait for another...further telling someone to accept the blame and wait for a MM for at least 3 years...wtf...maybe I'm delusional but how is this a life? How many people have waited the 3 years minimum, and presented themselves as the soft landed and ended up feeling GREAT about themselves and their decision? I have no clue what is Lily's status right now...as in if she has a boyfriend or husband who is not married to someone else or if she is waiting until year 3 right now or she is in year 4 or more of her wait....to each her own, but I do NOT understand why one feels the need to encourage waiting and pushing these "hopeful statistics" on to people who are here saying they've had enough??? Call me ridiculous...but even if I was in the throes of a wonderful A right now...I still WOULD NOT encourage it, as I would still believe I am the anomaly. But as Lily adviced, it is up the OP...NO ONE can force anything on anyone...no one here can force an OW to do something she does not want to do....so I'm sure each OP will read the thread and sift through what seems right to them. I don't think it is necessary to "warn them" about other posters as Lily so often does..... I dunno for some reason to me it seems like a case of misery wanting company....where it seems like some OW seem angry and upset when other OW don't want to be OW anymore and are deciding to stop being in an affair...it seems like they get so mad about this and want to give them hopeful statistics and so forth to encourage them to continue living that life. Reminds me of how I realize who my REAL friends are...as once I decide to make a positive change, I have those who will encourage me and those who seem to want to sabotage me or encourage me to not do better and continue with the status quo...because THEY aren't ready to do better but don't want to be alone in their mess. Edited December 23, 2011 by MissBee
Author missjones Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 I guess this is where the grey area comes in..???
Author missjones Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 I'd like to ask... How are you expected to stand by and support a man who betrays himself, his wife and you? I'd love to know how that's possible? I guess this where the 'grey' area comes in..??
Author missjones Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 MissJones - please keep in mind that while this is an OW/OM forum it is also a public one and anyone (and everyone) can (and does) post. If you care to check on the background of the posters, you will find plenty of BWs and BHs, not just "former" OW/OM but "reformed" OW and OM, giving their opinion here. I'm not saying their advice is wrong - as it is their opinion. I just want you to take it with a grain of salt and consider the source before you take it to heart. ON AVERAGE, it takes 3+ years for someone who is involved in an A to dissolve their M. This isn't a scientific figure but culled from the people I have known. Unless the MP is having an "exit affair", this is not something that gets resolved overnight. The concept of "moving heaven and earth" gets bandied about A LOT - much to the dismay of OW/OM. It is said (I believe) to purposely make the OW/OM think they are not loved and/or not loved enough. BUT ONLY YOU KNOW THE TRUTH - he may have loved you more than heaven and earth...but for whatever reason couldn't make the break. Some men DO need a soft landing. They DO need to have their OW waiting with open arms. Even if they wanted to leave, without a "sure thing" they will stay M'd because "something is better than nothing". It's possible that he would have eventually left had you been "supportive" - but you have decided that an A is not what you wanted. So it's more about YOU and what YOU want in life. Thanks for this..I am a very strong believer of listening to the advice of others (the 'right' people) and using it to make one's own judgement based on what you feel within yourself, which is why I signed up this site to hear and take on board the different experiences of others who have been in similar situations... I read the post: 'If a man loves you' and the idea that he will move heaven and earth to be with you...while in theory I'd like to believe in this concept, add a child (and a baby at that) into the equation and it becomes a different scenario all together - hence when you get into the 'grey' area... Knowing how much his child means to him I'm not sure he would ever have gotten over or forgiven himself for leaving and he would have felt like he was letting her down as parent..In some ways I can understand that he would have wanted me there to soften his landing..Im sure others won't necessarily agree, but hay ho... However as others have pointed out, I have stood by him for over a year and for whatever reason he's not made the move. I've done what I can do and if it wasn't enough then it wasn't meant to be..As you say I could have supported him for another year or two, but it was breaking my heart. The A isn't for me anymore, I want a real relationship and unfortunately its not on offer with him.. Thanks - and happy holidays all! x
bentnotbroken Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I guess this is where the grey area comes in..??? When you throw the crap in...it tends to grey or brown the situation.
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