is this too crazy? i want to do this because i'm going nuts here.

[kourix]

i know this is crazy but…

 

breaking NC and meeting up with the ex was a huge mistake. and you would think that going through square one a second time with the same person might be easier, but it's not. it's the total opposite.

 

and i want to do something, but i need someone to stop me if i'm going to sound crazy.

 

we always ended things over text, and i hate it. i feel like it's just so disrespectful, because in text there is always a certain veil, and things that cannot be expressed as well as through face-to-face. he wanted to meet to talk after i asked him his motives for calling me out the previous time(just brunch, nothing else, we headed home after, seperately),

 

and when he offered to meet to talk, we should have, i know, but we didn't. instead we:

 

-met up and talked about random things and continued the chitchat throughout dinner, laughing and making fun of each other

-went back to his place (supposedly for the talk) but ended up reading magazines together and pillow-fighting thereafter for 2 hours.

-he initiated makeup sessions (i obliged) and sex (i declined, which pissed him off very badly he slept outside)

 

 

and i don't understand it. how is it possible that two people hang out like we did, with such chemistry, and six hours later, when i text him to tell him we really should meet to actually talk, he tells me "we should stop seeing each other and last night was a bad idea." is it really possible for a person to feel NOTHING?

he just tells me it was nothing, he was just lonely, and he doesn't want to go there etc etc.

why would you even want to meet to talk if there were no feelings?

 

i have no delusions, we are O-V-E-R. like, so over, BUT i can't seem to let go, i need to know the truth, i've always been that kind of a person, and it's probably very self-destructive, but during breakups i've always opted for the face-to-face, because it hurts, but at least it's honest and everything's said and done.

 

and i'm hurt, and i want to let him know that. i told him to just buzz off and never contact me again after he said we should stop seeing each other coz' it's a bad idea on monday, but i don't know if i can let it go. and my friends don't understand it, and i don't know if anyone would but, i just want to text him this:

 

"i have to get something off my chest. this might sound stupid and you may not even care, but what you said to me on monday was despicable and hurtful. i have always respected you, but for you and to disregard everything that happened on sunday night, and to turn around and tell me you contacted me just because you were lonely, i don't even know what to say or feel. it's not even about us anymore, but how could you treat anyone like that? you made me feel like a toy. you always told me you would never intentionally hurt me, but your actions showed otherwise. all i've ever wanted from you was the truth, but you are constantly changing your answers. i know, we should have talked on sunday, but we didn't, yet i feel it's important for a face-to-face, just to show some respect for what we had. i know we are over, but i would appreciate the truth, however awful it may be, and after everything, ending it through text just doesn't seem to be the right thing. i had to let this out, i hope you consider what i've said, and if you are willing, i'll appreciate it. otherwise, just forget that i ever sent this."

 

this is a very basic draft, i'm too tired from overthinking, but am i just being crazy? i've just always been like this. i know i shouldn't care, that i should just move on, but this is just constantly making me think - is it really possible for me to misread signals so badly? that what i thought was chemistry, was simply him indulging me?

 

he did mention after that he wasn't sure what he wants, and that he didn't want to see me again because he wasn't strong enough to "not try to have sex" and "play with my feelings". does that even make sense? why do i keep feeling like he DOES have some sort of feelings he just doesn't want to admit to?

 

he has a girl who's infatuated with him that he kept flaunting in my face when we met, so if he was lonely, why not look for her? why me? because we got along and he wanted that and was willing to disregard his 'morals' after telling me he wanted a breakup because he didn't want to see me suffer since he was unsure he could commit?

 

the saddest thing is i know i do not want to be with him, but i just feel like it's a matter of principle, of pride, that i know the actual truth about the break up - was it really because he had ZERO feelings or because he just doesn't want a relationship, etc? i think i just want to feel like i DID matter.

 

i feel psycho just talking about this. i feel like i'm on the brink of insanity.

but if he's going to think i'm psychotic if i send that kind of a message, then i'll probably back off.

[Philosoraptor]

You are an option for him and he does not want to cut that last string just incase he needs to reel you back in.

 

Do him the favor and cut it for him, but send him nothing. Just go NC and disappear from his life. If he messages you, do not respond. If he calls do not answer. It will be hard but it is what is best for you in the long run.