petal28 Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I was recently seeing a guy who was really really lovely, sweet, caring and basically perfect (in my opinion). This wondeful phase lasted for about 2 months. After this time, we had a small rough patch (where his ego was unintentionally dented by myself) and he suddenly changed to a guy who insulted me (jokingly), did some mean things to me (ignored me) and was mean to me a few times in different ways. To this day, I am astonished at how someone could be so different from what they originally were. Now that we are friends, he is back to being 'Mr nice guy' so I'm thinking that maybe 'it was me' that had the issues. I'm mostly inexperienced in relationships so I was wondering whether this was normal behaviour for people i.e. to suddenly change or to change in a short space of time? Has this happened to you where you thought someone was so perfect, kind and caring and have him/her change?
phineas Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 What exactly did you do to "dent" his ego? For all we know your "dent" was really an evisceration & possibly total disrespect. Or he's an insecure girly man. We just don't know how severe without hearing what you did.
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Some guys do that for real. Their personality issues cause them to act nice at first but get mean when they are comfortable with you. Some guys do that as an act. They woo women with the sweet guy act, but then start being a jerk soon after sex. It's called manipulation. Guess what? It works. Sooooo many women I've met and read posts online have experienced the same thing you did. Those women appear to be more emotionally attached to those manipulative men than guys who treat them nice. The vast majority of women desire drama in their relationships. That's what these guys fulfill. As long as these guys aren't physically abusive (which, incidentally, is what some wome want) then there isn't anything wrong with this behavior.
shayla Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 It's a game. Starting out being nice, then, becoming a jerk when they get comfortable, as someone has pointed out already. Women that fall for this think that the nice guy was the real one, so they spend the rest of the relationship trying to get the nice guy back. Trouble is, the nice guy never existed. He was created to suck you in, you fall in love with him, when he disappears, you are convinced that you did something to cause that, before you know it, you are twisting yourself trying to change you to get him back. And all the while, he is entertained by the mindfu*k he is giving you.
phineas Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I attract these types of women like moths to flames. I genuinely am a nice guy. However, I make a woman earn my attention (I got better things to do than yap on the phone or txt all day) so they confuse me with the fake nice guys I believe. So when the expected drama doesn't ensue they loose interest & FZ me or start attention whoring.
ShannonMI Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I was recently seeing a guy who was really really lovely, sweet, caring and basically perfect (in my opinion). This wondeful phase lasted for about 2 months. After this time, we had a small rough patch (where his ego was unintentionally dented by myself) and he suddenly changed to a guy who insulted me (jokingly), did some mean things to me (ignored me) and was mean to me a few times in different ways. To this day, I am astonished at how someone could be so different from what they originally were. Now that we are friends, he is back to being 'Mr nice guy' so I'm thinking that maybe 'it was me' that had the issues. I'm mostly inexperienced in relationships so I was wondering whether this was normal behaviour for people i.e. to suddenly change or to change in a short space of time? Has this happened to you where you thought someone was so perfect, kind and caring and have him/her change? What the hell did you do to this guy to "dent" his ego? Men's egos are fragile things. This is why he changed so drastically. You must have really offended him even if it was unintentional. Also, if someone is that sensitive about things, holds it against you and changes are they someone you really want to know and be involved with? I wouldn't. Not even as friends.
Philosoraptor Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Sounds like one of the guys who call themselves a "nice guy". Actions speak louder than words and you are hearing quite a lot right now.
Els Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 What the hell did you do to this guy to "dent" his ego? Men's egos are fragile things. This is why he changed so drastically. You must have really offended him even if it was unintentional. Also, if someone is that sensitive about things, holds it against you and changes are they someone you really want to know and be involved with? I wouldn't. Not even as friends. I second Shannon's sentiment - both of them. I think handling a man's ego with care is one of the things women need to do in a relationship, moreso than vice versa. It may sound sexist, and may not be easy, but I also believe that there are other things that men exclusively should do in a relationship as well. Knowing this may serve you well in the future. On the other hand, if he is passive-aggressively lashing out at you for that, instead of maturely telling you, "I don't like it when you do that" or just letting it slide after some time, this does not sound like a good relationship at all.
O'Malley Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 After this time, we had a small rough patch (where his ego was unintentionally dented by myself) and he suddenly changed to a guy who insulted me (jokingly), did some mean things to me (ignored me) and was mean to me a few times in different ways. To this day, I am astonished at how someone could be so different from what they originally were. What occurred that caused the dispute? While I'll agree in part that people don't behave like saints when it comes to bruised feelings, he's demonstrating to you his style of dealing with conflict. It's off putting precisely because it doesn't encourage an environment of honesty and acknowledging mistakes. Two months in and beyond is when you start developing a sense of someone's true character. It's fine to discuss with you that he wasn't happy with what occurred, but it's not a good relationship if you feel you have to walk on eggshells to preserve the peace.
93TheHitStick Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 All guys are going to act different when they first meet you. Then they get comfortable with you. That doesn't make then manipulative. Makes them human. But i think it may be your fault. For bruising his ego. Whatever you did to him probably got him pretty angry.
Taramere Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I was recently seeing a guy who was really really lovely, sweet, caring and basically perfect (in my opinion). This wondeful phase lasted for about 2 months. After this time, we had a small rough patch (where his ego was unintentionally dented by myself) and he suddenly changed to a guy who insulted me (jokingly), did some mean things to me (ignored me) and was mean to me a few times in different ways. To this day, I am astonished at how someone could be so different from what they originally were. Now that we are friends, he is back to being 'Mr nice guy' so I'm thinking that maybe 'it was me' that had the issues. I'm mostly inexperienced in relationships so I was wondering whether this was normal behaviour for people i.e. to suddenly change or to change in a short space of time? Has this happened to you where you thought someone was so perfect, kind and caring and have him/her change? Why don't you tell him you noticed a change in his behaviour, ask if it was intentional and ask if it was related to the incident where you dented his ego?
patagonia Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I'm not sure about others but myself personally, I call my "ego" my feelings. Sure, everyone has a little ego but what is hurt more for me isn't my ego but rather my feelings. I've noticed that going through a rough patch the last 2 months has been torturous and I feel like I haven't been the same person that I know I am. I was hurt and therefore my actions and words dictate that. Granted I'm not "mean" but I'm not myself either. Either way it's for both people to be introspective and see what they can learn from the situation. Personally I'm not sure if it's normal what you are going through but if you think you did something to hurt him then I would approach the subject and apologize. Let him know you are sorry and then don't do it again. Good luck!
sugarmomma Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 He was already mean spirited. He just needed an excuse to bring it out. He can't deal with feedback and has poor communication skills. Don't waste your time trying to cater to his ego. Now if you were disrespectful and apologized he should be able to forgive and move forward. I think we dated the same guy. He got comfy at the 4 month mark and started to get distant, cold and careless with my feelings. Kicked his ass to the curb. I need a man not a boy.
Sugarkane Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Sounds like you also dated the same person I did too! Is it like some sort of test or something? I'm so glad I'm not with my pig of an ex anymore. He always had to insult someone to feel good about himself.
TheFinalWord Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I was recently seeing a guy who was really really lovely, sweet, caring and basically perfect (in my opinion). This wondeful phase lasted for about 2 months. After this time, we had a small rough patch (where his ego was unintentionally dented by myself) and he suddenly changed to a guy who insulted me (jokingly), did some mean things to me (ignored me) and was mean to me a few times in different ways. To this day, I am astonished at how someone could be so different from what they originally were. Now that we are friends, he is back to being 'Mr nice guy' so I'm thinking that maybe 'it was me' that had the issues. I'm mostly inexperienced in relationships so I was wondering whether this was normal behaviour for people i.e. to suddenly change or to change in a short space of time? Has this happened to you where you thought someone was so perfect, kind and caring and have him/her change? Yes, it can happen. My ex was great towards me until she didn't get her way and then it was major attitude lol People don't show their true colors right away. The thing is there can be a rough patch at the beginning of a relationship. A relationship is basically a team. There are five stages to team development: forming, storming, norming, performing, and closure (can you tell I"m a business major) During the forming stage people are just getting to know each other a bit. Everyone is on their best behavior. During storming both are trying to determine their role. During this phase, it can be a bit rough. During the norming phase the team is still trying to determine their individuals roles, but a common vision emerges. At the performing stage, the team is running optimally. Both clearly see that two are better than one and they are productive. During closure there is departure (hopefully this occurs at death if the relationship turns into marriage). From my experience (which isn't vast), the storming stage is a sticking place for a lot of relationships. A clear vision is never developed so there is nothing to work towards. In this case, turnmoil is constant. This can be for many reasons, different backgrounds, different communication styles, different goals in life, different personalities, and in some cases, the other person is just mentally unsound. Some people can be downright mean, but a lot of times people are mean mainly b/c their personalities conflict. Imagine if you had a really conservative republican and very liberal democrat in the same room and they have to come up with a health care plan together. They may both be great, nice people. But do you think they are going to have a common vision or similar personalities? Probably not. They'll probably end up hating each other lol Just an illustration but you see my point. If the guy is mean, it doesn't mean he is just a mean guy, just that you two are not a good team. Probably different backgrounds and communication styles.
Sugarkane Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Is it seriously like some sort of test guys?
daphne Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 It's a game. Starting out being nice, then, becoming a jerk when they get comfortable, as someone has pointed out already. Women that fall for this think that the nice guy was the real one, so they spend the rest of the relationship trying to get the nice guy back. Trouble is, the nice guy never existed. He was created to suck you in, you fall in love with him, when he disappears, you are convinced that you did something to cause that, before you know it, you are twisting yourself trying to change you to get him back. And all the while, he is entertained by the mindfu*k he is giving you. I've done this before. What a colossal waste of time. Now, when I sniff that the guy's going to be an ass like that I will force myself to move on even if I liked him.
Author petal28 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 What exactly did you do to "dent" his ego? For all we know your "dent" was really an evisceration & possibly total disrespect. Or he's an insecure girly man. We just don't know how severe without hearing what you did. What did I do to dent his ego? Well I was having a r'ship with him, which i shouldnt have been in in the first place, so i broke it off and asked for "no contact" and then a couple of weeks later i re-established contact and told him that i was "over him" and told him that we could be friends even though we both carried on as we were in a relationship after re-establishing contact. That's what i did to dent his ego. Was that bad?
Emilia Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 What did I do to dent his ego? Well I was having a r'ship with him, which i shouldnt have been in in the first place, so i broke it off and asked for "no contact" and then a couple of weeks later i re-established contact and told him that i was "over him" and told him that we could be friends even though we both carried on as we were in a relationship after re-establishing contact. That's what i did to dent his ego. Was that bad? So you dump him, tell him not to contact you then you decide to get in touch again, tell him you are over him 2 weeks later and expect him to get back to how things were before? Are you mad?
Author petal28 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 So you dump him, tell him not to contact you then you decide to get in touch again, tell him you are over him 2 weeks later and expect him to get back to how things were before? Are you mad? Ok, it wasn't exactly like that. Sorry but i should clarify. I didnt say that i was "over him" in those words. After two weeks I said that i couldnt do the "no contact" thing anymore so we re-established contact but what i said was that i was bascially ready to be friends with him after the two weeks, which i guess could imply that i was "over him". Is that a reason to be mean?
Mrlonelyone Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 'In general' people get infatuated with a new prospect. We block out the things about them that might otherwise bother or annoy us. We really want to make a new relationship work. Then the dam breaks and reality sets in. What seems as 'an incident' isn't really one thing but a a sudden reality check of all the warning signals we overlooked. His/her whining, lack of intelligence. , cliniginess, coldness or 'whatever' is no longer cute. This guy had this in him the whole of the first 2 months of your relationship. You were deep in the haze of the honeymoon phase. His negative attributes were not plain for you. Then when you see he's not perfect you dump him and tell him no contact....then come back. That's not just bruising his ego that's the kind of thing most people don't forgive. He takes you back,but then, it sounds like, he's less accommodating. That makes him the @$$hole? TL;DR He didn't change your perception of him did. Furthermore he took you back after you dumped him he's not the bad guy here.
Emilia Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Ok, it wasn't exactly like that. Sorry but i should clarify. I didnt say that i was "over him" in those words. After two weeks I said that i couldnt do the "no contact" thing anymore so we re-established contact but what i said was that i was bascially ready to be friends with him after the two weeks, which i guess could imply that i was "over him". Is that a reason to be mean? Yes because it's an insult on your part. He is obviously frustrated that he couldn't maintain no contact with you - although it would be better for him probably and I think he is pushing you away now to achieve that. Telling an ex you can be friends is an insult and should never be implied.
luvkitties Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 He was already mean spirited. He just needed an excuse to bring it out. He can't deal with feedback and has poor communication skills. Don't waste your time trying to cater to his ego. Now if you were disrespectful and apologized he should be able to forgive and move forward. I think we dated the same guy. He got comfy at the 4 month mark and started to get distant, cold and careless with my feelings. Kicked his ass to the curb. I need a man not a boy. Yes, this. I had the same thing happen to me--people can be such jerks sometimes!
Author petal28 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 (edited) This guy had this in him the whole of the first 2 months of your relationship. You were deep in the haze of the honeymoon phase. His negative attributes were not plain for you. Then when you see he's not perfect you dump him and tell him no contact....then come back. That's not just bruising his ego that's the kind of thing most people don't forgive. He takes you back,but then, it sounds like, he's less accommodating. That makes him the @$$hole? TL;DR He didn't change your perception of him did. Furthermore he took you back after you dumped him he's not the bad guy here. No, I didnt "dump him". I actually asked for "no contact" from him for a period of time so i could become "his friend" because we BOTH realised that there was no future for us together in a relationship (different stages in our lives so it wouldnt work). I even told him that this was the reason why i asked for "no contact". Also, he initiated contact a few times during the two weeks i had asked for no contact so in the end i just gave up and said that it would be fine for us to be friends (even though we both were not ready to be friends and jsut really wanted to be in contact with each other). After two weeks and re-establishing contact, we went back into "relationship mode" and then he started becoming mean shortly after. Now please tell me whether this is a reason for someone to turn quickly and show their ugly side. I was gob-smacked by the way he treated me, almost like he had lost respect for me so quickly. Edited December 22, 2011 by petal28
Andy_K Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 What did I do to dent his ego? Well I was having a r'ship with him, which i shouldnt have been in in the first place, so i broke it off and asked for "no contact" and then a couple of weeks later i re-established contact and told him that i was "over him" and told him that we could be friends even though we both carried on as we were in a relationship after re-establishing contact. That's what i did to dent his ego. Was that bad? So... you basically dumped him/asked him not to contact you any more, and now you're surprised that he ignored you? Really?
Recommended Posts