Anna84 Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 So there I am again after a few weeks. End of this week is the ex's birthday and I've been feeling low but especially angry again. We've been apart for 3,5 months and haven't had contact for 1. My dilemma is, to send the ex a birthday text/email or not? It would be something simple but kind like 'Happy Birthday, hope you're well'. Reasons for wanting to send it are that I want to leave as many options open as possible. By sending a friendly short message he knows I didn't forget his birthday on purpose, I show him that I hold no ill feelings towards him making him think we could be friends, I'm over it, it reminds him of my existence (lol). Why I don't want to send it is because I wish him nothing good and I'm angry, and I don't feel he deserves the effort, thus it would be pure hypocrisy, I don't want anything to do with him in the future, I don't want him back or want him as a friend, maybe he'll wonder why I didn't send him anything so he'll suffer more. So what it's all about to be perfectly honest, regardless whether its immoral or not. what's the most effective and potentially.... sending him a short friendly message, or nothing? I tend to lean towards sending it, politeness and neutrality, seemingly dealing with the situation like an adult, showing him I'm fine with it all. Whether or not he replies, I couldn't care less. Although I desperately want him to come crawling back just so I could see him suffer, I wouldn't take him back or even respond. I just want to know what people consider to be the most diplomatic thing to do in such situations.
witchychick Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 my ex's birthday is on the 26th. I dont wish him happiness-he took mine away. Yeah I am angry right now also hurt. But I did think of emailing him earlier. I didnt though and he would ignore it again if I did anyway.
Philosoraptor Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 You are not sending it neutrally; you've made that clear. Do not send it.
immitable Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 You seem to want a door open but obviously for wrong reasons and that is to hurt him down the line like he hurt you. Huh a tough one, are you sure you want to hurt him down the line? Reject him sometimes in the future that is. What is the cause of you being vindictive? - you see love equals hate (both are strong emotions). If so, you know him, does his birthday mean a lot to him? He is going to be glad that you remembered his birthday. A short non emotional message will do.
chados Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 i dont see the point by hurting someone back like this. and to be honest i really do believe guy finds it harder to feel guilt about a happy birthday card then girls. sure i have been mad at people ive been dating, but i never felt the need to sink to their level. the most human thing to do is just to agree with the breakup, whether its about hurting them or getting them back. no one wants to here something like..ive been thinking a lot, and i agree that this breakup was the best thing to do right now. but i guess your ship is sailed on that one
smudge21 Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 You send it, get no reply, you'll feel bad all over the holidays. You send it, get a reply, you reply back, nothing is said that makes you feel better, you'll feel bad all over the holidays. You send nothing, nothing happens, you have great time over the holidays realising that his birthday is his day and means nothing to you. You are fine about it and it no longer matters as the day has gone. Well that was my take on it when I didn't send her a card/text/email (whatever). Yes, I considered it. I had no reason not to - we split mutually are still friendly to each other, but apart from the odd contact, we haven't seen each other in a long time and nothing has really ever been said. She's never coming back how I want and I can't be the friend she wants. So no amount of birthday cards will change that. All that said, you will still do what you think is right for you. And therefore I wish you luck. No one will blame you for your choice... just make sure it's the right one.
cavedweller Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Anna, Do not send it..Stay 100% NC and move on. my 2 cents
Author Anna84 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 Thanks all for taking the time to reply! Chados, I do agree it is weak and childish to stoop to their level. But besides my malicious intent, isn't sending a neutral message simply the most grown-up thing to do regardless? It won't hurt me if he doesn't reply (or in his case because I know he will out of politeness a reply in which he's begging for me to come back) because I don't want him back anyway. Despite my slightly double agenda (which I agree is not something to be proud of) at least I will feel good about that I always -openly- behaved in an adult way and he cannot reproach me for anything.
Author Anna84 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 Anna, Do not send it..Stay 100% NC and move on. my 2 cents then again, maybe you're right...
chados Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Thanks all for taking the time to reply! Chados, I do agree it is weak and childish to stoop to their level. But besides my malicious intent, isn't sending a neutral message simply the most grown-up thing to do regardless? It won't hurt me if he doesn't reply (or in his case because I know he will out of politeness a reply in which he's begging for me to come back) because I don't want him back anyway. Despite my slightly double agenda (which I agree is not something to be proud of) at least I will feel good about that I always -openly- behaved in an adult way and he cannot reproach me for anything. theres nothing wrong with sending him a letter on his birthday. but the intention by sending this? i do understand you, but i dont know if this is the right thing to do. how was your relationship in general?
Lemontang Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I'm with Smudge21 on this. You don't send it it's simply a case of your moving on. If your not friends then your just poking a wound for the sake of poking one. I had this very dilemma yesterday. It's been two years now since I broke up from a very significant relationship. Neither of us since have sent a happy birthday as we're no longer friends. The 1st time was hard I won't deny that, both in the not sending and not hearing. But in hindsight I'm really glad I didn't as it was just one of the many cords that needed to be cut in order to move on. You might not see it now, but come to this junction again 12 months later, not only will you have grown, you'll realise how much you've actually moved on when you don't really even care if it's his birthday or not.
immitable Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I'd still send a short polite happy birthday. not sending would mean that you are angry and that you are lying to yourself (otherwise you wouldn't ask anyone and simply not do it)etc etc, my impression was that you still want some sort of contact with him, you shared times together. I think it won't hurt to do it as a friendly gesture.
Lemontang Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 You got me thinking as I thought I'd answered this question once before (turns out back in Sept 2010). Back then I was in two minds about it when I answered as some things were still fresh http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244211/ And for the record when the time came I didn't give her a card or send a text etc... and I'm glad I didn't either. Not for any spiteful reasons, but simply to say to myself I'm moving on. Remember at the end of the day you have to look after number one, not someone who'll happily put you on the shelf and take you off when they feel like it. So as you've now seen growth in progress.
Philosoraptor Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Thanks all for taking the time to reply! Chados, I do agree it is weak and childish to stoop to their level. But besides my malicious intent, isn't sending a neutral message simply the most grown-up thing to do regardless? It won't hurt me if he doesn't reply (or in his case because I know he will out of politeness a reply in which he's begging for me to come back) because I don't want him back anyway. Despite my slightly double agenda (which I agree is not something to be proud of) at least I will feel good about that I always -openly- behaved in an adult way and he cannot reproach me for anything. You say such things now but who knows how much it may plague your mind sending it. If I know there is a spring in my can of peanuts I surely am not going to chance opening that can... even if the spring may miss me.
Author Anna84 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 It is quite incredible, but I think that the god of Karma read my post, and has come to stab me in the eye...... What happened: I just came home and what was there lying on the doormat? A christmas card from the ex wishing me and family a merry christmas "hope all is well!" STEALING MY VERY OWN INTENDED TEXT which I was going to send -this- saturday to him in the form of a BD greeting. As it is completely senseless to wonder whether he had the same intentions as me, or really is completely over it and cannot contain his zealous urge to express his politeness at every opportunity, I'll skip that, but start wondering again whether to unpolitely refrain from contacting him in the near future or send that BD text in the same fashion (HAVING LOST ITS EFFECT!!!!!!!!!!)
Philosoraptor Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Send nothing and ditch the card. If you truly don't want him back then who cares how he feels?
M2155 Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 How about this... do you wish him a happy birthday? If not, then don't send it. If you don't care, then this isn't a dilemma. Don't send it for the purpose of trying to have an affect on him. While I am absolutely guilty of having the same dilemma and debated it, analyzed it etc...looking back, it's two freakin words. He probably didn't even notice if I did or did not say it! I promise you the door isn't anymore opened or closed based on saying happy birthday or not--it'd be different if you said "hey I hope your birthday sucks" (although I bet you would get a response lol). If you think he's sitting home waiting to recieve your text or whatever, then don't send it- and he'll notice. Maybe you were too busy moving on that it slipped your mind. Otherwise just say HB and thanks for the Christmas card. Really, it's funny how big a deal this really isn't:o It's more about the affect it has on you than on him.
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