TearyEyedPride Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 "We live in a generation of not being in love, and not being together. But we sure make it feel like we're together cause we're scared to see each other with somebody else." -Drake I was just reflecting on this year and what I'd learned. On being dumped: I remember when I first got dumped it felt debilitating, unbearable, excruciating, draining, depressing, nauseating, nerve-racking, and for awhile it felt like my world and everything I knew was crashing down on me. Sometimes I literally felt sick. Even looking back even now, I can still remember all of those feelings. What I've learned: Time your own determination and your decision-making is what ends up making or breaking your success in moving forward with your life. In most cases, that's without your ex, and in a rare few, it's with. I faced some hard realities. My relationship, no matter how I wanted to see it, wasn't perfect otherwise it would've still been in tact.I wanted to survive heartbreak. I wanted to live and grow and be able to be bigger and better than this pain and temporary defeat.There was no other way for me to truly get over my ex while talking to him. I couldn't pretend to be his friend while loving him so much. It's not like we had any children together, or mutual friends, so the only real reason I'd be talking to him was to get him back. Let's just be honest.I had to respect that being dumped... is that person's CHOICE to let you go. They willingly thought about it, considered it, weighed the pros and cons, and decided that what was best for them, was life without you at this time. It hurts... but it's the truth.I had to be a better me. I needed to take the focus off of someone who no longer wanted me and love myself like only I could to get through this. I needed my confidence to be rebuilt, and I needed my sense of independence back.No Contact: I, like many others here, advocate the No Contact Rule. My only exception would be if you have children together (Then I'd try limited contact). My idea of No Contact is strategic. Under no circumstances do you contact your ex first because they chose to dump you. Sorry but wanting to know why... isn't a good enough excuse. Every person comes to that realization that it's really over, and as soon as you know that your ex means that it's over... that's when you need to go into No Contact. No texts, no emails, no phone calls, no greeting cards, no letters, no facebook/twitter stalking (Block them!!)or messaging, that applies to them, their bestfriends and immediate family members. Call it childish, immature, or whatever you'd like to say but it works to help you heal. Once you close off your avenues to talk to them you can truly begin to focus on yourself. Finding it hard not to contact your ex?: If you think about it, how many exes that you know are still truly the best of friends? How many of them call one another regularly, and hang out all the time without holding on to hope that they'll reunite? How many send more than just the Happy Birthday, Happy Holidays, Condolences and Congratulations text messages? I'm not talking about the ex who just broke up with you and wants to make sure you were physically able to handle their goodbye and that you're taking it in stride. Because they just don't wanna seem like the bad person, hopefully they didn't hurt your feelings too bad to be forgiven right(Haha... yeah right)? I'm talking about the people who we know that have survived breakups and successfully moved forward. When I looked at the exes I know... less than 5% of them were still friends with their exes. I also blocked my ex on facebook and twitter because I needed to free myself from the temptation of looking at his pages. I didn't wanna see the new person he was with, how quickly he had moved on, the great time he was having while I bawled my eyes out some moments. I blocked him to be free to live my own life and let him live his. Blocking on facebook and twitter doesn't alert the people. They can't search you, find you on their friend's list, or your mutual friends' list and you guys can't see each other. It was a safehaven for me. What to Do If you ex contacts you: You can... 1. Completely ignore them. It's the hardest thing to do but you can't afford to have a healing setback just because they wanted to check up and make sure you didn't die when they dumped you. Or they wanted to make sure you aren't moving on faster than they are. Some exes genuinely don't wanna be seen as the bad guy so they use the breadcrumb syndrome to be cordial, when really it's quite unecessary. They already threw you away... what else do they need? 2. Wait at least a month without responding but if you decide to be cordial but cut it short. If you feel like there's some good history between you two not worth giving them the ice treatment, then be cordial. Never ask them personal questions about their ideas, feelings, or life but you can respond briefly to "Hey" with "Hello" and "Whats Up" with "Nothing Much". Always end it after about 3 exchanges and then make sure you're not initiating contact anymore. You may also want to ask that they respect your space. Wild Card Factors: Breakups are unique, and my post was moreso a summary of what I learned and how I learned to cope. You have to know your own selfworth and what's most important to you. In every relationship you have to maintain your own identity and not become absorbed into someone else's way of life simply because you're with them. I found that I was becoming extremely confident, and independent while using No Contact. I literally was getting over my breakup quite well, and should my relationship not workout this time I will be using the same process. I wish you guys the best of luck. Hopefully this helps someone.
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