It's Over

[Rimer]

Hello

 

It's been 4 months since my break up. We were together for 8 years when she suddenly told me she wants to break up. We did but she said there's still a chance for us to get back together if things (problems) are fixed. Well a lot has been fixed but now 4 months later she told me she has no feelings for me anymore than friendly. She said if I want we can still be friends once you get yourself back together to call her then.

 

**** I'm a mess atm.. That hope of us getting back together has been the force keeping me going forward.. I feel like giving up now.........

 

What to do? Do I ever contact here again? It's clear I can't just be a friend with her.

[Philosoraptor]

She was keeping you on the side just incase what she had planned didn't work out. Make no effort to contact her as it will only bring you more pain.

[Melrapuo]

Hello

 

It's been 4 months since my break up. We were together for 8 years when she suddenly told me she wants to break up. We did but she said there's still a chance for us to get back together if things (problems) are fixed. Well a lot has been fixed but now 4 months later she told me she has no feelings for me anymore than friendly. She said if I want we can still be friends once you get yourself back together to call her then.

 

**** I'm a mess atm.. That hope of us getting back together has been the force keeping me going forward.. I feel like giving up now.........

 

What to do? Do I ever contact here again? It's clear I can't just be a friend with her.

 

First off, I'm sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. Please know that you are not alone, and we're all here to help you if need be.

 

If you feel that you can't be her friend, at least not yet, then I would suggest cutting off all contact for the time being. Focus more on yourself.

 

During these last four months, what have you been doing? Still contacting her during that time? Fixing whatever issues caused the break up in the first place? Sorry, I'm not completely familiar with your situation.

[Rimer]

First off, I'm sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. Please know that you are not alone, and we're all here to help you if need be.

 

If you feel that you can't be her friend, at least not yet, then I would suggest cutting off all contact for the time being. Focus more on yourself.

 

During these last four months, what have you been doing? Still contacting her during that time? Fixing whatever issues caused the break up in the first place? Sorry, I'm not completely familiar with your situation.

 

Hey!

 

Thanks for the responses. I've been trying to focus on myself the past 4 months but still every seconds i've been thinking about her. I've been fixing the problems and getting help. I joined a gym and have been going there. I haven't been able to get my social life rolling again as I've lost all confidence, self esteem. I know I should get the social life rolling again but I just can't. I don't mean dating because I still can't think about being with anyone else I just mean hanging out and finding new friends.

[Mcnulty]

Bloody hard isn't it?

 

She's kept you hanging on, then to say that after 4 months...at least now you know, as you said, it's over.

 

It's been 2 months solid NC for me and I knopw what you mean re. getting out and socializing..just feels like a task doesn't it? I'm physically broke with my leg, which makes it all the harder to get out, be with people and keep busy as I live alone, but you have your health, take advantage of this and force yourself to keep busy...it will seem more of an effort, but you must try.

 

I wish you strength in your healing, I know how hard it is.

[Melrapuo]

Hey!

 

Thanks for the responses. I've been trying to focus on myself the past 4 months but still every seconds i've been thinking about her. I've been fixing the problems and getting help. I joined a gym and have been going there. I haven't been able to get my social life rolling again as I've lost all confidence, self esteem. I know I should get the social life rolling again but I just can't. I don't mean dating because I still can't think about being with anyone else I just mean hanging out and finding new friends.

 

Well the first thing you gotta do is stop putting yourself down. Going to the gym is a great idea, and I bet it feels great, too.

 

Cutting off all contact for now is a great idea. I'm not sure if you have been talking to her as well these past four months, or if you decided out of the blue to ask her recently about getting back together. But its obvious that talking to her and trying to see if she changed her mind is not going to work. You can't change her mind - its just how she feels.

 

How about hanging out with friends, going out and partying? Just because you aren't dating anyone right now doesn't mean you HAVE to go out and date someone tomorrow. Its your life, live it how YOU want to, not how someone else tells you. You'll be ok. Always remember that.

 

I just got advice from someone today saying that they had been dumped by their fiance in september because they were being cheated on. The guy was an absolute wreck.

 

Fast forward to now, and not only has he found someone new, but his ex-fiance is begging for him back. As he put it "You're too young. There's still plenty of heartbreak for you ahead. So enjoy your youth."

 

You should do the same. Enjoy life

[Rimer]

Well the first thing you gotta do is stop putting yourself down. Going to the gym is a great idea, and I bet it feels great, too.

 

Cutting off all contact for now is a great idea. I'm not sure if you have been talking to her as well these past four months, or if you decided out of the blue to ask her recently about getting back together. But its obvious that talking to her and trying to see if she changed her mind is not going to work. You can't change her mind - its just how she feels.

 

How about hanging out with friends, going out and partying? Just because you aren't dating anyone right now doesn't mean you HAVE to go out and date someone tomorrow. Its your life, live it how YOU want to, not how someone else tells you. You'll be ok. Always remember that.

 

I just got advice from someone today saying that they had been dumped by their fiance in september because they were being cheated on. The guy was an absolute wreck.

 

Fast forward to now, and not only has he found someone new, but his ex-fiance is begging for him back. As he put it "You're too young. There's still plenty of heartbreak for you ahead. So enjoy your youth."

 

You should do the same. Enjoy life

 

Hey

 

Yes, we've been in contact almost weekly. Even more during the start. We just went 2 weeks NC she contacted me I was all estatic only to hear her ask me for a favor. We did meet up today. She told she's come to realize in the last two weeks she has none of THOSE kinda feelings for me anymore and that she now realize she didn't have those feeling for years now??? Now in two weeks she found that out? Also that she didn't feel anything in seeing me after two weeks. I asked her if she has some1 new she just say she's been on couple dates but nothing serious. After the stuff she said today I feel like she's fallen for someone for her to say that kinda stuff out of the blue.

 

As for hanging out with friends. Well I don't have more than couple because i've been like 95% of my free time with my ex. So I haven't been making new contacts in a while and now it seems impossible. I could go out drinking with friends every weekend but I don't see that as healthy in the long run.

[twinkles]

I'll tell you Rimer when a woman says she doesn't feel those things anymore it's the truth. A woman can cut you off completely without a sense of remorse. Most likely she has been feeling this way for along time and the time you spent apart gave her the courage to finally say those words to you.

 

It has nothing to do with you it's all about her feelings so don't sit around moping or thinking of ways you could of made it better. Sometimes women just stick around out of a sense of obligation. They just don't know how to leave. Sometimes they just wish you would leave so they don't have to break your heart.

 

Don't do her anymore favours. She chose to be independant instead of being with you so let her find solutions to her own problems. You are not her doormat.

 

Work on your vibe...you know the one that says hey girls I'm available now. I bet that vibe has been asleep for a long time.

 

Good luck to you. It'll get easier. Just don't hide from life.

[M2155]

Well of course it's hard when you've been living the past four months in hope. You are just getting started...tomorrow i guess. Now I do find thank kinda selfish of her. Hey, never again be someone's maybe.

 

It's really hard what these failed relationships are doing to people's self-esteem. You have to realize you can't base how you feel about yourself by how someone else feels about you. You can't go out and get your social life rolling if you don't believe in yourself. Let me tell you, when I was in my relationship, I think I put too much of a pause on my outside-of-him life and it was a mistake. Your partner will pick up on that and feel like they can string you along while they figure out what they want.

 

Don't feel bad, it takes time to put the pieces back together and work on getting a life. I don't think drinking and partying can last long, you have to find some new things or goals to explore just for you. Activites where you can accomplish things and maybe meet new people along the way. It's so important to take time and rediscover who you are and what you enjoy. Don't try to contact your ex right now because you can't be friends and doesn't sound like she really wants to either. She just wants to keep you around. Don't be her option, you deserve better. Good luck

[mark414]

My situation has been similar to yours and I have just now started to heal as a result (3 months later). I held on to hope that we would all of a sudden make amends. I have made all the classic, clingy, needy, desperate moves to get her back. I did everything to impress her and flatter her. As expected these things didn't work.

 

I won't sit here and tell you that the two of you will never get back together because honestly none of us really know. What you do need to realize is that she is never going to want to be back with you if you are always there for here and you continue to let her string you along. The current person you are is incredibly unattractive to her. Are you acting like the person that she fell in love with? When you are heartbroken you act nothing like the person you once were. It isn't your fault and just shows that you really cared for her.

 

Being friends this fresh off of a breakup from an 8 year relationship is just not a possibility. Like everyone has said you need to just stop contacting her. We all know how hard it is but it can be done. I can relate to holding on to the hope of reuniting with someone you felt so strongly for. If hope is what motivates you then there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of people will tell you to let go completely and maybe even shun her existence. Maybe that works for some but not for me. If I was with someone for so long then they were probably someone that I at one time thought was pretty incredible.

 

Just remember that the only way this is going to change for the better is if you move on. Chances are that once you get back on your feet you will no longer care what she is doing or have any desire to contact her. It is when you least expect it that she MIGHT come back to you. If at that time you feel that is what you want in your life then take her back. In all likelihood you will no longer want her back but if you do at least it will be on your terms and not hers. Hang in there. It sucks more then anything but will definitely make you stronger.

[BoredAgain]

You mentioned that after two weeks of NC, she contacted you to do a favor. That's a big Red Flag, suggesting that she was simply using you as a doormat. Neither you nor her probably realized it, but you were actually helping HER move forward by being available post-breakup. Meanwhile, you were left dangling on a string, hoping that she'd take you back. It's a terrible situation.

 

But you can use this as a lesson, and start moving forward with your life now. It stuck out to me when you wrote, "I haven't been able to get my social life rolling again as I've lost all confidence, self esteem." Regaining your confidence and your self-esteem is pretty much the most important thing here, so do whatever you need to do. Meet new people, start new hobbies, keep going to the gym, etc.

[Chi townD]

Hey

 

I asked her if she has some1 new she just say she's been on couple dates but nothing serious. After the stuff she said today I feel like she's fallen for someone for her to say that kinda stuff out of the blue.

 

Well, for the first sentence. She's lying to you. Why would she want want to tell you that she's serious about someone so quickly after your relationship?

 

Sentence number two...DING!!! DING!!!!!

 

Here's the deal. She dumped you. You are not friends and you're not dating each other. Time for NC so you can heal and move on.

[SkyEmtRN]

I'll tell you Rimer when a woman says she doesn't feel those things anymore it's the truth.

 

 

I'm going to have to disagree with that. Although it may be usually the case, its not always the case. There are times when a woman says they don't feel that way but then later down the road realizes it and realizes their mistakes.

 

It happened to me once, were she said she didn't have any feelings but then after 2 months of nc she came back realizing how she felt.

 

I'm not tyring to give false hope or anything, I'm just disagreeing. Every woman is different...the only thing they all have in common is driving us men crazy. (lol trying to shine some light with some humor)

 

Chin up my man.

 

Every minute your sad is 60 seconds you missed out on being happy

[Rimer]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm trying to cope with all of this. But this feels like I was left again this time without any hope. I just feel so empty. Being home alone is dreadful but I guess I have to get used to it. I guess it's my time finally to grow up too and take charge of my life. It just feels so hard maybe everything in life uptill this has been so easy for me. I think IF I can overcome this I can overcome anything. Right now this loneliness is killing me inside and anxiety is just nuts. Yes, I've been using anti-d for almost 2 months now too. I know I should get up and get my ass in gear but I dont know what to do really and what I want from my life (other than my ex back) for some reason I just keep mulling over "what ifs, why didnt I, maybe" in my head for 4 months now it's driving me mad. I feel like I won't be able to ever find a new GF even or even new friends. I'm that deep right now in self pity I guess.