kechara Posted May 30, 2004 Posted May 30, 2004 We all hear that it will never work, but there have to be some cases when it does. Please tell your story (or someone you know).
clarity2 Posted May 31, 2004 Posted May 31, 2004 Wow, pretty disheartening. I live with mine, Kechara, but it's rocky. I want to belive we will work, but right this minute things are looking bleak. I knew mine before the wife did and I was pretty naive to the dynamics of what it's like to fall in love with a MM (even though they were separated in spirit and only together for their kid, they would always say). Often I thought that them saying they were separated was a MM line. They did get the divorce though, and we've lived together for almost a year. But his now ex-wife still comes between us. He feels loyalties to her as she is his daughter's mom, even though she's mothering their kid negligently. I want to be there for him and his kid and I can only go so far and he often makes me feel like it's not my business and that hurts. Hurts me enough to wonder if we can make the relationship last. He says he wants to get married, do things the right way since when he married her it was basically marrying a one night stand he knocked-up. But there's alot of incosistencies and confusions in him as a divorcee that still stand between us. Anyway, root for us. I really pray we can be a success story someday but there are alot of times when it doesnt look good. I like you will be looking for replies to your post.
confuzed7 Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 My mom and my stepdad!!!!!!!! They started dating while he was separated, then he went back to his wife, then my mom and he married and have been together for over 20 years!!!!!!!!!!
HokeyReligions Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 My MIL was cheating on her husband (my hubby's dad) when they were married. She was sleeping with her boss (she was his secretary) for several years. Once he asked her to marry him she left her 1st husband and married her boss right away, and "retired." They've been married for around 40 years now I think and I'm sure they will stay together as long as he has enough money to support her in her high-society style. (can you tell I don't like my MIL?) LOL! Prissy-bit*h! That's okay - she abhors me!
Author kechara Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 Thanks for sharing some stories that worked out for the OW and MM. Any more out there?
whistlewitch Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Hi kechara, I know about 3 or other couples where it has worked out as well, and apart from the people I know personally there are also some cases amongst "celebrities" such as Johnny Cash where the OW was apparently the love of their life. Don't think it happens often but still, sometimes it DOES. The people I have known personally have been the OW from 4 days up to 3 years... Often there was a break-up from the MM from a couple of days up to 9 months from both women. Seems the guys need that time to get grounded again, and looking back on it now I think it's a good thing not to jump from one woman straight to the other. If I should marry mine in the end I will keep you informed All the best, whistlewitch
helpme231 Posted June 6, 2004 Posted June 6, 2004 Are you looking for hope because more often than not, it doesn't happen....its like winning the lottery. How many people do you actually know that have won but religiously buy tickets everyday or every week? Statistics are really not on your side. And one thing I was told is that married men don't often marry the other woman because she is a reminder of a rough time in their lives (all about them, not about you!). Plus, some guys like the clandestine trips to see you or you to see them, its exciting so when they get divorced and its all out in the open now alot of them will stay but cheat on the OW with a new OW....they like the thrill of being caught....then still, after all the drama alot of the men just don't want to get married again yet if ever. They realize, gee being single is really what I want now. So what I'm saying is don't put too much stock in it, it doesn't really happen that often and I bet you you could get married quicker to a single guy than you could to your married man....sounds weird but how can you marry a man that is already married? I learned this the hard way from being separated from my cheating and abusive ex husband and dating a separated man for a year. within that year I got divorced but magically he was still married. I realized that one of these days I would like to get married again and if you can't stand someone that much, whats taking you so long?! I realized there must have been something else going on there and you know what i did? I just moved my happy a** on! But it takes alot of strength and self preservation to do that and I understand that it is tough for some of us to do but I know it was the right thing for me to do.
Author kechara Posted June 6, 2004 Author Posted June 6, 2004 Thanks, Help. I think my fantasies about that possibility are finally fading. Initial reaction to the break-up was- "Someday." But the more I read on this forum, the more I can see that "not leaving because of the kids but trying to find fullfillment with another woman" is actually just a coward's excuse. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because I still love him, but then I ask myself, even if he wanted me a year from now, would I want him? Would I want a partner who isn't brave enough to be honest? Right now, the feeling is no, I don't. Still, I am curious about the success stories.
helpme231 Posted June 6, 2004 Posted June 6, 2004 Yep, I know the feeling. And like now, I still hold the guys that I meet up to the separated guy because we were so much alike and we got along very well....but I know in my heart that if it is meant to be then God will find a way for us to be together the RIGHT WAY. But in the meanwhile, I am going to live my life and take care of me. Plus, my ex the girl he was with when he was married to me got pregnant and right after that he dumped her and now he has a NEW girlfriend and talks about how the OW is always in his face bothering him and how she is ruining things. So after we got divorced, he didn't even bother to give her an engagement ring because he said, she should know we are not together. How tough would that be to deal with a guy while he was married, dumped you to go back to his wife who in turn sent him back to you and you took him back. And so now when you get pregnant he won't claim the child and wants nothing to do with you and you LIVE IN THE SAME TOWN WITH HIM AND HAVE TO SEE HIM EVERYDAY WITH A NEW GIRL AND EVERYONE IN TOWN KNOWS YOUR BUSINESS!....wow, I don't ever want to get treated like that so I try to stay away from iffy situations like that from now on....
Author kechara Posted June 9, 2004 Author Posted June 9, 2004 Help- You said that you moved on. Any advice? This is about the most miserable period of time I've ever been through. Silly me, I go stand at the window of my office every day just so I can see his car in the parking lot- the only contact I will allow myself.
helpme231 Posted June 9, 2004 Posted June 9, 2004 lets see....I cried for days, I ate a lot of ice cream, etc. all those sad things...but I still miss him...its okay to love someone from far away especially if you are tired of being made a fool....so yes I love him from far away and that is okay with me.
Matilda Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 When I was looking at some info for a different post over in infidelity I found this statistic, and thought of this post: Peggy Vaughan: It's good to keep in mind that statistics are general patterns and there's no way of knowing precisely where a given person will fall in the statistic. However, the odds are against a good long-term relationship in this situation. For instance, there's already an indication of this situation not following the general statistics -in that only 10% of affairs lead to divorce and marrying the affair partner. And of those who do marry, the divorce rate is about 60% (as opposed to the general 50% divorce rate in first marriages). http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/national/health/zforum/infidelity033099.htm
4everluvU Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Hi....My M/M has not called me in three days after I broke things off verbally. He lives in another state. We've been together for 22 yrs. Does that say anything......long distance love you might be saying but so much more. My heart is dead....I can't eat, sleep....You know the routine? I came across this site and reading everyones stories has helped me alot.....You don't know. I'll keep in touch soon. Take Care, L
Author kechara Posted June 15, 2004 Author Posted June 15, 2004 4ever- God, I'm so sorry about your pain and I can't even begin to comprehend how bad it must feel after 22 years. I'm on week 4 since I broke up with MM and this is the FIRST MORNING that my first thought upon waking was NOT- I miss him so much. I feel as if I have reached a turning point in the grieving process. I remember how much pain I was in right after the break-up and I can tell you this, the pain will be like waves. Pay attention to it. Watch it when it's coming at you. You'll realize there are times where you feel as if you can't breathe, can't speak, can't eat. You're whole chest tightens up and you're sobbing. But guess what? It doesn't stay that awful. It will start to ebb, not much at first, just a little. And when you can see the rise and fall, it's a little easier to realize that it won't always be this awful. That some day (like today for me) you WILL be able to breathe again. Best-
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