an apology

[headsashed]

I tried posting this earlier but the site timed out on me.

1st of all i want to apologise for my behaviour in my last post which was a few weeks ago. I was actually drunk at the time but thats no excuse.

 

I took peoples advice on here for so long and it was helping me until my ex started to reel me back in and stupidly enough i let her because i believed she was genuine despite what people on here told me. Yoo kow something though,depsite what people say,only ourselves can learn from things and this time i believe i have learnt my lesson.

 

Heres why,for the past few weeks my ex has started to come see more regular,contact me more often,and i genuinley believed she loved me and wanted to try again,after we slept together things got confusing with her,she didnt know what she wanted etc. So i thought id be the bigger man and come out of my little shell and tell her she had to chose what she wanted and stop playing games,she had asked for a few days to think about things and i accepted this,so after a few days i asked her again what she wanted and she gave me the "i still cant decide" ..So i said thats it i am done with it all,the next day she came to my house without me even knowing,sat down and explained a few things and basically still didnt know what she wanted. I told her again that i was done with all this mind playing as its hurtin me again and then i kicked her out,didnt think i would be strong enough to do that. In the end i should have listend to people on here instead of following my heart. I know many wont believe me and i dont blame you at all but its come to a time where i really have had enough of her games and thats why i showed her the door for the 1st time. Ive took every step towards recovery again,as in deleting her phone number,deactivating my facebook etc and now i am going to stick to this because i know i dont need her in my life anymore,i deserve better. I have also apologised to my parents about all of this too.

 

So,i really am sorry for the way i behaved a few weeks ago,heres to a new me

[wilsonx]

Just to let you know she wasn't playing games... Women and men communicate on 2 separate planes of thinking/rationalizing

 

She told you she was confused and she still cant decide... This isn't game playing, this is her telling you her feelings.

 

What did you do, you kept pushing her instead of giving her space to figure it out. You did not listen to her feelings and you immediately dismissed them because they did not agree with you and kicked her out.

 

You are the one that needs to grow up btw.

[Mack05]

Hmmm I disagree with Wilson here. I think headsashed ex has treated him quiet badly over the past few months and has been playing some dodgy (strange) games. I say fair play headsashed and happy Christmas. Keep up the positive attitude and try keep it 3 steps forward, half a step back

[headsashed]

Just to let you know she wasn't playing games... Women and men communicate on 2 separate planes of thinking/rationalizing

 

She told you she was confused and she still cant decide... This isn't game playing, this is her telling you her feelings.

 

What did you do, you kept pushing her instead of giving her space to figure it out. You did not listen to her feelings and you immediately dismissed them because they did not agree with you and kicked her out.

 

You are the one that needs to grow up btw.

 

No wilsonx,in these few weeks we both decided that a decision had to be made,i gave her all the space she needed,it was her that kept coming to my house when she needed this space and contacting me, so i had respected her wishes. The day i kicked her out she just kept saying the same thing "i dont know what i want" "maybe its best if we walk away" ..so i said we should walk away because we are hurting each other,then i asked her to leave, In a polite way. In these few weeks she has been very hot and cold with me and it was hurting me again,it was her that actually said maybe its best we walk away because were hurting each other as it is and i really dont want to hurt you in the future. I agreed with her and even though she said she still couldnt make her mind up i had to decide it was best to walk away. Now she has all the space she needs. We were both adult about all this and theres no hard feelings on either side. The longer this went on the more someone was going to get hurt,neither us wanted that.

[wilsonx]

I advise everyone that reads this post to read a book

 

Its called "For Men Only"

 

After you read this book, come back and think about this post again. If you are smart you can find it easily.

[wilsonx]

No wilsonx,in these few weeks we both decided that a decision had to be made,i gave her all the space she needed,it was her that kept coming to my house when she needed this space and contacting me, so i had respected her wishes. The day i kicked her out she just kept saying the same thing "i dont know what i want" "maybe its best if we walk away" ..so i said we should walk away because we are hurting each other,then i asked her to leave, In a polite way. In these few weeks she has been very hot and cold with me and it was hurting me again,it was her that actually said maybe its best we walk away because were hurting each other as it is and i really dont want to hurt you in the future. I agreed with her and even though she said she still couldnt make her mind up i had to decide it was best to walk away. Now she has all the space she needs. We were both adult about all this and theres no hard feelings on either side. The longer this went on the more someone was going to get hurt,neither us wanted that.

 

Ok, do you want to know what she wants, I am going to tell you

 

she just kept saying the same thing "i dont know what i want" "maybe its best if we walk away" <---- See this....

 

She wants you to chase her. She wants to see if you still care enough to chase her, she left you the first time because you emotionally distanced yourself from her. She realized she had feelings and came back. What did you do, you didnt listen to her feelings, you took her words at face value and did not watch her actions. She came back to you (with women, Actions speak louder then words).

 

Sorry ace, but you missed this one

 

Another piece of advise, as a guy, if you find someone you love and really care for, you will chase them every single day for the rest of their life, dont ever give up on this.

Edited December 20, 2011 by wilsonx

[headsashed]

thanks mack.

 

yes wilsonx,she did come back,but did nothing about it,she was still distant apart from the night we slept together. A few days after we had slept together we both spoke and decided to try spend some time together to see how we both felt,We went out for a meal,took the dogs for long walks,she would even come and make herself at home at ask for food,i found that quite cheeky but anyway,she wouldnt let me touch her in anyway or form,not even a kiss on the cheek to say goodnight. 1 night she was at mine and we were having a few drinks 2 of her friends called her phone and she told me to keep quiet both times,when i asked why she just said she didnt want them knowing she was here. So we gone from sleeping together to not touching and being quiet so her friends didnt know she was here. That hurt me alot,She's also been checking up on me and giving me grief when ive spoke to female friends. Can you understand how confused and hurt ive been? and if i didnt make this decision then maybe in a few weeks she would have met someone else and i would have been hurt more. I dont play mind games,i never have,but if she loved me then im sure she wouldnt care what her friends thought about her being here,nor would she keep going hot and cold on me. Its been nearly 4 months of hell for me and something had to give way,good or bad,sadly its the latter.

[Mack05]

I advise everyone that reads this post to read a book

 

Its called "For Men Only"

 

After you read this book, come back and think about this post again. If you are smart you can find it easily.

 

Wilson firstly happy Christmas. Secondly a big thank you. This book is exactly what I have been looking for..

[wilsonx]

nice to see you around mack... happy kwanza to you too =)

[wilsonx]

headsashed

 

I fully understand how confused and hurt you are. Fully. I was in your shoes 7 months ago and it sucks.

 

She's not playing mind games, I know it hurts and you are confused but I am telling you that shes not. You need to go NC and work on fixing yourself. Fix the hurt, fix the confusion, take some time to separate yourself from the entire equation.

 

There are 2 books I want you to read in the mean time...

 

The Way of the Superior Man... This is a good book, you have to pick and choose what fits for you. Its not a holy bible, its a guide, if theres something in it you do not agree with, then dismiss it and move to the next chapter

 

For Men Only... This is a great book. You will kick yourself in the ass a couple times after you read this book and say holy crap i understand. I am an idiot.

 

Go to the gym workout, hang out with your friends, don't pretend that you are doing great, feel the hurt and confusion, embrace it as being a part of you. Its ok

[headsashed]

headsashed

 

I fully understand how confused and hurt you are. Fully. I was in your shoes 7 months ago and it sucks.

 

She's not playing mind games, I know it hurts and you are confused but I am telling you that shes not. You need to go NC and work on fixing yourself. Fix the hurt, fix the confusion, take some time to separate yourself from the entire equation.

 

There are 2 books I want you to read in the mean time...

 

The Way of the Superior Man... This is a good book, you have to pick and choose what fits for you. Its not a holy bible, its a guide, if theres something in it you do not agree with, then dismiss it and move to the next chapter

 

For Men Only... This is a great book. You will kick yourself in the ass a couple times after you read this book and say holy crap i understand. I am an idiot.

 

Go to the gym workout, hang out with your friends, don't pretend that you are doing great, feel the hurt and confusion, embrace it as being a part of you. Its ok

 

i never took offence to what you wrote mate,she built up my hopes again then shattered them,ive gone NC because its the only way i know. I think she will contact me again but i have to be strong this time,no matter how much i love this girl. I believe what i did was right for me,i dont want to hurt anymore,i dont want to hurt her,ill carry on to do what i think is best for me,even if im wrong lol. NC is my only option now though

[twinkles]

She's asking you for time and you kick her out. That's nice.

 

You know what she hears...you don't have respect for her feelings. You don't think she is capable of her making up her mind in her own time. You forced her for an answer. She most likely felt bullied. Never put a woman up against a wall.

 

You should of just told her to take all the time she needed and that you weren't going anywhere. She needed to feel safe. That's what a woman needs to feel the most. Safe.

 

She probably should have waited to have sex with you because when women sleep with you they feel attached. She wasn't ready for that yet.

 

I wouldn't take the friends thing too seriously. We talk to our girlfriends when our relationships are in trouble and they will always tell you to dump the SOB you can do better than that... you don't deserve that etc

Sometimes you are just embarassed to tell them you are considering getting back together with them cause they'll give you sh*t. It's a girl thing.

[headsashed]

You should of just told her to take all the time she needed and that you weren't going anywhere. She needed to feel safe. That's what a woman needs to feel the most. Safe.

 

She's had nearly 4 months to decide if she wants me or not,maybe i pushed her against a wall towards the end but i had to look out for myself,i really do love this girl but i dont want to hurt anymore. If i didnt push her then this would be going on for another 4 months or whatever,so imagine how i would feel if she went with someone else whilst i was waiting? .I would have walked heaven and earth to have this girl back in my life,everyone and she knows that,but we can only take so much and i believe that she would have given me the same "i dont know what i want" answer until she met someone new,no way was i taking that risk.

[M2155]

I'm sorry but this relationship just sounds like too much drama for me. I know things get crazy when feelings are involved but, I don't know maybe I'm getting old, I dont think i have the personality to deal. My position would be I really love you but you've had my heart on a roller coaster for too long now and I need some calm. I totally understand being confused but there has to be a limit to how long you're willing to stay on board while they're figuring themselves out. That's just me though. I bet one day hasdsashed is going to have a girl who communicates openly and knows what she wants and will wonder why he dealt with this for so long. He'll be so confused lol.

[headsashed]

I'm sorry but this relationship just sounds like too much drama for me. I know things get crazy when feelings are involved but, I don't know maybe I'm getting old, I dont think i have the personality to deal. My position would be I really love you but you've had my heart on a roller coaster for too long now and I need some calm. I totally understand being confused but there has to be a limit to how long you're willing to stay on board while they're figuring themselves out. That's just me though. I bet one day hasdsashed is going to have a girl who communicates openly and knows what she wants and will wonder why he dealt with this for so long. He'll be so confused lol.

 

ur probably right,i will be confused lol,thing is,my ex has always been open to me,until we broke up,thats when she kept things to herself and left me confused and hurt. As you said,my heart has been on a rollercoaster so so long and i needed that calm,otherwise it would have killed me in the long run. Maybe i pushed her too quickly,maybe i forced her,but i have to look after number 1 no matter how much i love this girl. For some strange reason i dont believe she actually loves me like she says she does,why else would she put me through so much hurt? All i know is that i have to move forward now and if she truely loves and wants to be with me then she will make it perfectly clear and come back to me with no "i dont know what i want".

[twinkles]

When she says "she doesn't know" it could be that there is something missing in the relationship and maybe she is waiting for it to show up. There is something you have that she likes or she wouldn't be there but there is something she is not communicating with you.

 

Ask her what she feels is missing between the two of you and what the two of you can do to make the relationship better. Ask her what she needs from you to be happy. If upon asking these questions she still doesn't communicate her needs then I think you may have to let this one go. You can't beat a dead horse.

 

You can't read her mind..even though she think you can. You have to ask questions without the threat of abandonment and without a sense of frustration...

[headsashed]

When she says "she doesn't know" it could be that there is something missing in the relationship and maybe she is waiting for it to show up. There is something you have that she likes or she wouldn't be there but there is something she is not communicating with you.

 

Ask her what she feels is missing between the two of you and what the two of you can do to make the relationship better. Ask her what she needs from you to be happy. If upon asking these questions she still doesn't communicate her needs then I think you may have to let this one go. You can't beat a dead horse.

 

You can't read her mind..even though she think you can. You have to ask questions without the threat of abandonment and without a sense of frustration...

 

Ive asked her every question under the sun,believe me,all of her answers are negative in my eyes,Basically our relationship went stale because we spent everyday together so i told her that we should see friends more etc,,she said it wouldnt work,so many things i have said we could do to make it work and she always says it wouldnt work and we would go back to the way we used to be. She even said that when we txt its same as before,we never talk about anything different,that actually confused me because its always general day to say chit chat. So you can imagine how much ive tried and still she says she doesnt know what she wants. If i offered her a million pounds she would say it still wouldnt work but is still confused. This is why i had to push her towards then end,no matter what i tried or said it was never good enough.She kept coming for a reason but that reason obviousley wasnt enough for her to try again. No matter what i believe,i cannot make this girl be with me so i have to let go 1 way or another and thats why i did what i did.

[twinkles]

Ok she sounds bored and maybe she bores you. It happens. You can't be mister excitement 24 hours a day.

 

You know you can't change the essence of who you are .. you are who you are. You grow but you do not change. Do you find that you can strike up a conversation with a stranger and have alot to talk to them about but with your girlfriend it's the same old same old.

 

Most likely she doesn't inspire you enough to give more to the conversations.

 

What you need is to find someone who is easy to talk to and more sure of themselves. Most importantly you have to find someone who accepts you unconditionally. If you are having these struggles now it will only get worse in time. Do you want to live with all this uncertainty?

 

You aren't married you don't have children so there is nothing to keep you in this relationship. But you love her. Do you know how much love there is out there in this world.

 

As you grow up your ideas change, you experience more, you learn more you will become a better person. When you stay with someone like this they just beat you into the ground until you are shattered and feel worthless.. Don't let that happen.

 

The only standards you have to live up to are your own.

[Chi townD]

When she says "she doesn't know" it could be that there is something missing in the relationship and maybe she is waiting for it to show up. There is something you have that she likes or she wouldn't be there but there is something she is not communicating with you.

 

Ask her what she feels is missing between the two of you and what the two of you can do to make the relationship better. Ask her what she needs from you to be happy. If upon asking these questions she still doesn't communicate her needs then I think you may have to let this one go. You can't beat a dead horse.

 

You can't read her mind..even though she think you can. You have to ask questions without the threat of abandonment and without a sense of frustration...

 

No disrespect there, Twinkles. But, I would suggest that you look up Headshed's other threads. This girl has multiple Black Belts in mind games, cheating and stringing folks along. Personally, I think OP did a good job of putting his foot down and making a decision for himself for a change. And I hope that HE STICKS TO HIS GAMEPLAN!!!

 

By the way, good on you for coming back with an apology. Takes a real man to admit when he's wrong and own it. Good on ya, dude!

 

Have a happy holiday, dude! Oh...and by the way...this isn't the last time you'll hear from her. She suggested that the two of you walk away from each other because you're just hurting each other. She was hoping you'd be like, "No...no! We love each other and we can work this out!" Giving her an Ego boost. You didn't fold and you called her bluff. HOWEVER, she'll be back...

[headsashed]

Thanx chi town,it took me a while to realise that people on here were actually right,but i listened to my heart again and let her strong me along,maybe she wasnt meaning to,who knows. As you said though,you know my story and what she is like. she isnt the person i fell inlove with and these past few weeks ive come to realise it. Will she contact me again? erm,i actually dont think she will this time but then again ive said it everytime and she always does lol.

 

None of you know everything thats gone off between me and my ex since the BUand thats why some may say she isnt playing games,so ill try enlighten you all on a few things.

 

1. Since the BU nearly 4 months ago my ex has kissed someone,slept with someone else and even asked him to go on this weekend trip with work,they swapped numbers too where as i have done nothing at all,ye ive chatted a few girls up online but only as fun.

2. My ex checked up on me regular,always went through my phone,laptop etc and not once did i go through hers. She knew my password for facebook and i actually didnt know she knew,she used to read my messages and see who ive been talking to,1 night i had been talkin to female friends,nothing flirty,just normal chat,she hated this so what did she do,an ex had messaged her to meet up and she said yes,she told me she said yes because id been chattin to other girls,i mean wtf,my chats were like im talkin to you lot now.

3. She would come to my house regular without even telling me she was coming,she would walk straight in and make herself at home,as in turn the tv over,feet up on the sofa etc,then she would leave,that was leaving my head in a mess.

4. She was constantly hot and cold with me,1 minute she wanted to see me,she would txt normal etc,then the next minute i wouldnt hear from or see her and if i did txt her she was snappy with me.

5. She always blamed me for everything even though ive not been with anyone,played any mind games,ive done nothing apart from try win this girl back and make her happy.

 

Im no saint and i have pushed her at times,i admit that but i had to do what i felt best. When we had this talk she stutterd as though this is NOT what she wanted and it was always "i think i want" and not "i want" ..i had to make this choice because i would have been hurt in the long run,its not what i wanted because i do love her but it was for the best in my eyes. There is 1 more problem though,i have her laptop which she borrrowed me when i moved here,she hasnt said anything about it so im just going to keep quiet and in a few weeks when things blow over im going to take it to her parents house when she is at work. If she does contact me about it then i will reply and tell her i will drop it off at her parents house.

[headsashed]

1 thing i forget to mention,a few weeks ago this girl had asked if i wanted to go bowling,i said yes,not because i wanted sex or anything but because i needed to get out the house and have fun again. It never happend and my ex never knew anything about this. If my ex knew this then she would have gone crazy.

 

Also,they night before this talk we were having,we was txting each other and just having normal chit chat,she seemed fine in everyway,she even told me i can log onto her facebook and take all her coins so i can play on the slots as id run out of coins lol,stupid i know but i enjoy playing these slots. So what im saying is,she was fine with me all that day and night. The next day i had to txt her to see if she was comin for this talk,it was pretty late when i txt her and im sure if i hadnt txt her then she would never have come. She was cold yet again,her txts were simple with no "x" on the end,that may sound stupid but she always puts "x" on the end unless something is wrong. So she went from being fine with me the night before to being cold. I think shes alo messed up lol.

[wilsonx]

You just dont know how to deal with someone like her headsashed. Theres nothing wrong with that but dont let her crush your self esteem

 

Shes not a bad person, she's just "Complex"

[headsashed]

You just dont know how to deal with someone like her headsashed. Theres nothing wrong with that but dont let her crush your self esteem

 

Shes not a bad person, she's just "Complex"

 

Im doing everything in my power to not let her crush my self esteem, yes im hurting all over again but thats through my own fault. I did the hardest part in walking away because i do love her. Another hard part for me will be to resist replying to her if she contacts me,i dont think she will tbh but who knows,ill just have to keep strong and realise what happend last time.

 

I dont think shes a bad person at all,i dont hate her or anything but she changed lots when she got with these new friends and i dont really like the way she is now. If she EVER came back to me then this time she would have to prove hell of alot to me but i dont hold out hope anymore,im only focusing on healing now and to become the person i used to be.

[Mack05]

I think Headsashed you should take Wilson's advice and read the books he recommended. I would like to suggest another "Why can't you read my mind" Its a book about relationship communication.

 

I think the thing people tend to do (and I was one of them) is to focus on their ex too much. The are three sides to every story.."Yours, mine and the whole darn truth". If she came on here to LS and posted her side of the story, I can guarentee you that it is very different to yours. I think what Wilson is preaching here (please correct if I am wrong Wilson) is to try and think out side the box here. Try to put yourself into her shoes. I am sure if you read the books recommended above, you can try form a different prespective on things.

 

I think the key thing to learn for a break up is to listen to the criticisms that your ex gave of you. Yes you may think they some of those criticisms were harsh and you may not agree with some of them, but to ignore feedback from someone you Love and from someone who loves you is a very naive way of thinking. Having the attitude "she is nuts and thats it" (End of) is not a good way to heel.

 

Going NC and focusing on your own flaws, will put you in a position to meet someone more compatible with down the line. It will help you learn from previous mistakes that you made within the relationship. My most recent relationship failed Headsashed, because I didn't learn from my previous mistakes from a past relationship (piss poor communication, insecurities, bringing low self esteem into a relationship). That really is criminal and I urge you not to make the same mistake(s) as I did.

 

I will be taking 12 months from the dating scene (its a promise I have made myself) and rereading books, new books and going back over emails of my ex's criticising me. Not nice, but it is a process. A journey to make me a better person and a emotionally healthy man. I have made progress, big progress but I dove into a new relationship when I wasn't ready. Hindsight eh. Don't make the same mistake as me. I wish you well in the new year. You seem like a good kid.

Edited December 21, 2011 by Mack05

[headsashed]

Thanks mack,i totally agree with you about if she posted her story on here it would be very different to mine,ofcourse it would. Ive always spoke about whats happend and what i feel,never what she feels,even i dont know what she feels. I would love to try be in her shoes just for 1 day to try understand more where she is coming from. Ive had many outsiders views,like mutual friends and they all thought she was playing games as she is confused,even her friends thought this.

 

Onto criticism now,she has only every criticised 1 thing about me,she said i became clingy and needy towards the end,i was happy she told me this because it made me realise i was and i needed to change this as it wouldruin any future relationship i had,with her or another girl.

 

If a stranger came now and listened to both our stories im 99.9% sure they would say it is best to walk seperate ways,not because of hate or anger,but because im hurting and she is confused about what she actualy wants.

 

Ive learnt a few things from this relationship and im still learning more,what i have learnt is that i need to stop being clingy/needy and stop being a doormat. I always remember that when we 1st got together she used to chase me like crazy,i was stubborn,everything, until i fell deeply inlove with her,then i became that weak person and i was the 1 chasing her even she she did wrong.

 

I dont really have that attitude "shes nuts" ,it was more of a figure of speech i suppose,i know how much she is a caring and loving person and i wouldnt wish anything bad on her,i just think shes too confused right now.

 

Going NC is best for both of us,it will help me heal and focus on all my flaws and maybe help her out of this confused state. I need my mind to be clear now as im still vulnerable,she can still hurt me if she felt the need to but i dont think she would. Im not going to date anyone until im fully over her as i dont agree with rebounds etc,its just playing with peoples feelings,i mean,i wouldnt want to make anyone feel like i do right now.

 

I know im a good person and deserve to be happy,i treat my ex like a queen,ive always lived by the saying "treat people how you want to be treated" .. Thats why im nice to everyone.