befreckled Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 I have never been faithful in a relationship before prior to this current bf. I was single for five years before I met him and before that, I had been in relationships that overlapped for an entire duration of 10 years. I don't want to dish out excuses but I sincerely believe that I'm a different person now. The distance isn't a deal breaker at this moment, it'd be great to be in the same city but we have our careers that neither of us can give up at the moment. More to do with the lack of jobs in general as opposed to the willingness. I finally told one of my close male friends about the bf. When he asked me how long the bf and I had been together, I said "oh a year" and it was genuine surprise on my friend's part. Before the bf, the close friend and I have been physically close but not slept together so I wanted to avoid any mixed messages. Lately, I've met a few new people from my current group of friends and I miss dating in real life. It sounds silly, I guess and save from being a hermit. I don't know what else to do. I want to be able to be normal and faithful. This is the first time I've consciously felt this way about one person. The fear of messing things up is so great. Can people change, I wonder? Can I change? Or am I delaying the inevitable?
creighton0123 Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 In a relationship of agreed monogamy, as long as you are happy and content with your current partner, there is no need for you to be unfaithful. What would you accomplish by having intimate/sexual relations with another person? Momentary emotional and physical gratification? Simply physical gratification? Are those things really that important to you? To answer your question: Yes. People can change. People do it every day. It's not about forcing yourself into a way of life that is alien to you. It is about finding happiness and fulfillment in your current situation. Instead of avoiding cheating because you're afraid of messing up your relationship, avoid cheating simply because you are fulfilled by your current relationship. Right now, you are the same person you have always been. This "I'm a different person now" is a bull**** line that people tell themselves because they feel guilty about past actions. At this point in time, you desire monogamy. Despite the allure of sexual trysts with other men (or women), be monogamous. It simply requires you stopping yourself from becoming intimate with another individual and finding satisfaction with the intimacy you currently have with your partner. It really is that simple and is well within your ability to accomplish.
FitChick Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 If Warren Beatty can change, anyone can! Time to grow up and get your priorities straight.
salparadise Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 (edited) Befreckled, I believe some introspection would be in order. It's not a simple matter of whether you, or people in general, can change. Of course you can. People change whether they want to or not, whether it's directed or not, and often without much awareness of the process. The question is why were you in such a pattern of ongoing unfaithfulness for so long, why are you motivated to change, and what about you needs to evolve and mature so that faithfulness is not merely a self-imosed restriction, but something you choose because it's integrated and congruent with who you truly are. Kohlberg defined three levels of moral reasoning: pre-conventional, conventional, and post-conventional. Pre-conventional is typical of children. Behaviors are directed almost entirely by self-interesd and fear of consequences. It's egoic, immature reasoning in that it's all about how to get what one wants without suffering consequences. Conventional reasoning is typical of adolescence and early adulthood (some adults don't mature beyond). At this level actions are inhibited based on conformity to societal expectations, but it's rigid and there is not much interpreting or questioning. People at this level are motivated by a desire to be thought of as 'a good person', or by blind adherence to social order, authority and rule of law. Post-conventional reasoning is principled, abstract reasoning that recognizes higher ethical concerns even when they may be inconsistent with the societal norms, expectations or rule of law. It's based on consideration for the self, others and one's own system of higher ethical principles. At this stage the motivation is about doing what's right simply because it's right. A person adheres to his own ethics and principles because of a mature, inherent desire to be congruent with one's own ethical principles. These levels of moral reasoning are roughly parallel to stages of ego development. There is also a factor called cognitive dissonance that occurs when one's beliefs and behaviors are inconsistent. Exploring these topics may help you gain insight into previous patterns, why you want to change, and help start you on a path of personal growth. Edited December 27, 2011 by salparadise
Fabian Montenegro Posted December 27, 2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Most people have the potential to change. Most people don't change. It's still important to find out why you do what you do by looking inwards. Why didn't you find guys who were into open relationships? I'm just curious.
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