makelemonade1974 Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 (edited) So I've been dating a guy I've known about 6 months, but we've only been sleeping together for the last 5-6 weeks. During this time we've had a couple of mild arguments (if you can even call them that) over two issues: 1) we spend most of our time in bed; and 2) he is grieving for his elder son who died 2 years ago and thinks because of that, he can be "flaky" on dates - schedule them 3 hours before they happen, or cancel at the last minute, etc. In short, he thinks because he's depressed he doesn't have to be respectful of my time (I'm also a single parent and have to get a sitter when I see him). Our "arguments" basically consisted of me sending some emotional text messages while I was drinking, and him generally withdrawing emotionally from the entire situation. The second time, he was pretty rude to me after I was upset that he had canceled our date at the last minute. As a result of that, I broke it off (I actually broke it off after both arguments, but we got reconciled after the first one). It's all very silly really and involves alcohol. I really believed this last time (and still sort of do) that I did the right thing. Someone who is not respectful of my time and not willing to give anything emotionally is sort of a dealbreaker. Trouble is, I really like him. I know he's angry because he "unfriended" me on facebook. I sent him a note trying to explain the situation from my point of view and telling him why I thought we shouldn't see each other. It was very sweet and expressed that I do still have feelings for him, but it touched on the issue of his grief and that may have struck a nerve. I know he really likes me. When we're together it's like BOOM magic. And I think had we been able to talk about things, we could have worked it out. It's just that he's so afraid of anything emotional - he's so guarded after what he's been through - that he wouldn't even talk to me except via text after the second argument - wouldn't answer the phone. I can't force someone to talk to me and I'm not going to push the issue. So I just told him I couldn't see him anymore. I know we both still like each other. I sent a casual Christmas card today. He leaves Christmas day to go out of town until right after new year's. Is there anything I can do? Do I just wait until he calms down? Wait until the holidays are over perhaps? Or text him on Christmas Day or New Years? Or just forget about it and wait for him to come to me? God, I've made such a mess of things. I think it's better not to contact him for a while just to let him cool off. That's my plan at the moment. Is this doomed? Btw, I basically just broke it off because I was afraid he was going to and I didn't want to be "dumped." I got dumped last year and it was awful. I wanted to be the one in the position of control this time. Edited December 20, 2011 by makelemonade1974
smudge21 Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Hmm, sounds like there's plenty of issues there, but nothing that can't be resolved and worked through if you're both willing to put in the time and you both admit fault in some ways. It has to be said, the pain of losing a loved one, especially ones own child, must be unbelievable, so I wouldn't begin to imagine what is really going on inside his head, and his heart. That said, he has shown that he wants to be in a relationship so you two should be able to work this out. Personally, if it were me I wouldn't hesitate on making contact. You've pushed him away and realised your mistake. You need to let him know that straight away otherwise he'll be over thinking this all throughout the holidays and it will eat him up inside - he may even make a decision before you have a chance to make contact. I'm not saying you should rush out there and see him, but just politely let him know you're sorry. Maybe suggest there are issues and tell him you hope you both can work through them. Basically, tell him the door is still very much open. I understand the fear of being dumped so can see why you did what you did, but clearly you're unsure now, so just send out that olive branch and let him know how you feel. I hope it works out for you both.
Sustugriel Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 I'm not sure I agree smudge21. From what I gather here, most of the 'problems' stem from alcohol consumption and lack of understanding of his grief. I don't want to jump into the bandwagon of "there's no hope, move on." But, I do know that it would be pretty unforgivable if my girl didn't understand or didn't want to understand the grief of the death of my son and broke up with me over it. He's emotionally dead inside. I've watched grief too many times, destroy people from the inside out. He needed your help, and probably thought welching on a date was a small price to pay for his pain. Is that fair? No. Was the death of his son more unfair? Yes. If you can't understand how he feels then I'm not sure what you're going for. Being able to empathize and trust one another is the basis of all relations. It takes years (and sometimes never) for people to get over an event like that though. If you love him, you will HAVE to accept it, and he'll move past it eventually. Sorry if this comes off as harsh. Wanted to post while it was fresh.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 Thanks for your replies Susta, have you had experience with grief like this firsthand? He seemed to be comfortable talking about his son - told stories about when he was little, etc. The issue of whether or not he was depressed never really came up in our conversations. I didn't want to pry. I felt it was a very personal thing. I guess maybe I was "demanding" in some way, but aren't I allowed to ask for respect in a relationship? I just feel like had we been able to communicate, it would have made such a difference. I did what smudge suggested and sent an text saying that the door was still very much open, that I was sorry for behaving badly and thought things could be worked out with real communication. He's completely giving me the silent treatment. Do men just need time to cool off from being angry? I'm going to leave him alone for a while, although I may send a text on New Year's if I haven't heard from him by then. I think I've damaged his very fragile ego and I don't know what to do. I freaking hate the silent treatment. I wish I could just talk to him face to face. Well at least I've learned not to drunk text.It doesn't seem to me to be such an unforgivable crime though - maybe I'm wrong.
immitable Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I think you need to cool off a little too, from your post I gather you are reacting impulsive, he is mad and probably trying to sort things out in his head as well. Give it some time and try to fix things with yourself. On the other hand ask him about his grief, I think it is essential in understaning your partner and enabling communication.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 So I'm supposed to be no contact, right? When men are angry they have to process their emotions and need time alone? If I contact him I will just push him away, so I need to stay strong and not contact him. I just wake up every morning and look at facebook and see, once again, that he's "unfriended" me, which screams "I'm furious." I hate facebook. This is terrible during the holidays. What was I thinking? I'm going to try and hold out until New Year's. I'm just so freaking miserable. I just want to hug him.
Melrapuo Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 So I'm supposed to be no contact, right? When men are angry they have to process their emotions and need time alone? If I contact him I will just push him away, so I need to stay strong and not contact him. I just wake up every morning and look at facebook and see, once again, that he's "unfriended" me, which screams "I'm furious." I hate facebook. This is terrible during the holidays. What was I thinking? I'm going to try and hold out until New Year's. I'm just so freaking miserable. I just want to hug him. Hey make, Understand that you aren't alone in this. If you ever need anyone to PM or talk to, you can message me or anyone else. Talking these kind of things out can be therapeutic, so its a good thing you are at least expressing your emotions, somehow. Plus, enjoy the holidays for what they are, not who you spend them with. Down the line, there will be happier days. Trust me.
smudge21 Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Yeah I see what Susta is saying there, but I just felt that Make should let him know how sorry she is and that the door is still open, but leave the ball in his court. It is sadly totally up to him if he contacts now and I don't think you can do anymore. Losing a loved one in any situation affects people in different ways so don't try to presume what he's going through or thinking. My best friend recently lost his mum and I try to be there for him, to offer a shoulder to cry on and to keep him busy... but often he just wants to be alone. I feel useless in that situation but all you can often do is make it clear you're there if they need you, which in this instance, I think you've done.
Recommended Posts