angelj Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 I don't know where to begin. I am so in love with my boyfriend... when he is sober. I was warned before he moved in.. I even warned myself. He is a wonderful, fantastic, amazing, kind and loving match made in heaven when he is not drinking. I even adore his family, particularly his mother. But, he has a serious drinking problem. Once he starts, he rarely can stop. Its not one beer, its the entire 18 pack. Then, when he hits number 11 or 12, he finds something to fight with me about. Let me backtrack... The last 4 months have been perfect. We both found "dream jobs" and life was good. The drinking was minimal, the fights non-existent. Then, we both got laid off. Him first - then me. Although money is not a problem, the drinking and destructive behavior (on his behalf) has started and rapidly spiraled down. He gets rip-roaring drunk about once a week and then finds a way to verbally attack me and blame me for anything and everything negative. Last week it was my fault he couldn't start painting again (he's an artist) and it was my fault our sex life is lacking. Then started the name calling about my appearance. This week he has decided he wants to revert back to high school and occasionally do drugs - mushrooms - cocaine - "but I am not a junkie - I just want to know I can party here and do those things and you will tolerate it and I know you won't so I am going to move out and you're stupid" Really? He sounds like an idiotic child. The next day, he will always apologize, profusely - and stop drinking for a few days... or a week or more and life is back to being perfect. Tonight I am left upstairs crying and posting this ridiculous post at 4 am. I know the majority of you will likely shake your head and tell me to run or tell me how stupid I am. I hope some of you will avoid those phrases and tell me you understand. Tell me I am not crazy. The thing that worries me most and what sent me to bed crying was his refusal to understand why I have a zero tolerance policy on drugs in my house. Regardless if it helps "open his brain to art" (he's an artist) or that it would be a "safe place" for him and his friends to laugh. We laugh plenty when we are sober and we have a great time. And he tells me how wonderful his life is with me. I hate this disease. I feel like I am in love with a wonderful man but competing for his love with an alcoholic. What in the world do I do... my heart is broken. And its the week of Christmas... Link to post Share on other sites
Clep Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 Reaching out is always a good idea. I am with an alcoholic. We have been together for ten years with three breakups in between. Life for me used to be just as you describe yours now. I was very stressed. I wont' tell you to run, or tell you how stupid you are. I found that Al-anon was very helpful for me in the beginning, as well as a book called "Getting them sober". I was a child of an alcoholic. I had many things ingrained in me that attracted me to an alcoholic to begin with. I made the decision to not make any decisions for the time being when it all started to go sideways. I was not healthy enough to make positive choices in my life. I took some time to deal with my feelings and issues. You can't make him stop drinking or understand you. You can decide if you want to leave him, or stay with him. If you are going to leave, that's not too hard. If you are going to stay, get the tools to be able to do so. Al-anon will provide those tools. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 Thank you so much for your response! I have so many questions to ask you. Do you mind if I message you on here, or we can write back n forth on this board. Your insight will help me GREATLY. I too am a child of 2 alcoholics. I have always attracted men with alcoholic addiction. This was the exception I thought. I would love to hear more about your ups and downs and when you met (I am 28 he is 29) I have also been told to visit al anon and I have not. It has been so hard, we had two more blow ups, the night before NYE and NYE night. That caused 5 days of just fighting and being distant. Our sex life has deteriorated too as I have learned the alcoholic places the blame game on everyone else for everything that is going wrong in his life. I love him deeply, I don't want to run away but I want things to be OK. Link to post Share on other sites
screwup Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 If you posted this a year ago I would have thought you were talking about me. I can't give too much advice but I'd be the same way to my girlfriend. As much as I love her, I'd still get drunk and treat her like garbage. She left me and I sobered up. I still drink a little but won't buy enough to get totally hammered. If I buy a half-gallon when I go to the store, I'll drink until I pass out.. so I just buy a pint. If I have a few drinks, I'm fine, but when I get really wasted then I would start picking a fight with her or just be a condescending jerk. I don't know why I would do that but I'd guess insecurities and when that drunk, I'd say something I'd never say otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
kimmi Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I have a few things to say and One of them is sorry to hear that you have to put up with that from someone you love , I want to give you a hug right now (((())))). Another thing I want to say is that there is nothing you can really do to change him, All you can change is yourself and I really hope that you do seek help. Without the help it hurts our hearts no matter how much it is wrong it will continue until he is ready to stop it. I'm going through the same thing right now but instead it is from the mother of my baby girl (I am a kinship home meaning I am raising her baby). We were never friends when she was out partying al the time , I was not living here at that time. But I can say 9.5 months ago I decided to help out a friend of mine so she could have contact with her baby girl that she knew was going to be taken away (I had no clue). Because she wanted herself to look good infront of all the workers and her friends she began to say a lot of hurtful things about me and giving it good reason to why she would not be there for her daughter, all in all in the end we are not friends , her daughter is still with me and she has went back to her old ways, She is alone due to the way that she is with everyone and the baby is about to be adopted by me as soon as the gov takes her parental rights away. Moral of this story is , I thought that I would be that special someone that could help her, She would see that I really cared, That in the end is not the way that it went as her family has told me this happened with all of her kids that she has nothing to do with. As well make sure that you are doing things to take care of yourself emotionally because it really can effect us in the long run, we think that the words are nothing and they are just words but words hurts the most when they come from someone you love. Link to post Share on other sites
care4sober Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Hi Angelj. In this life, we always have a choice. In your case, you have chosen to stay with him. Therefore, if you don't like him to treat you the way he does, and you hate to see him torn apart, you will have to take the challenge of getting him rehabilitated. There are many support groups that can help you and your boyfriend. It is alright to accept the help of these people. Good luck to you and your boyfriend. Love conquers all! Link to post Share on other sites
wow04 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I am a recovering addict with over 8 years clean. I am in a relationship with another recovering addict. I was raised in an alcoholic home. Until you get help for yourself you will continue to be with alcoholics or addicts. It is a cycle. The best thing I have learned with dealing with active addicts is what Alanon calls the three C's: I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. I would suggest Alanon and get help for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
care4sober Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I agree with Wow04. Al Anon is good. You can also try drug treatment centers, rehabs or try seeing a recovery doctor. Link to post Share on other sites
care4sober Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 It's been a while since you posted. How are you now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted May 5, 2012 Author Share Posted May 5, 2012 Hi All - Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and words. It has been months since I posted. It has been a rocky road. I just posted another thread about passive aggressive or just plain crazy. Looking back, I realize its just the alcohol. I will update soon, I am still shook up from another night of hell. Its a rollercoaster... Link to post Share on other sites
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