wilsonx Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 (edited) So she says that she feels I have been acting different around her and it just happens sometimes. So she said she felt like I was the one that didn't want her around. Apparently she is not taking responsibility that it could be this other guy talking to her, not that at all. I don't see how she is just saying its me, and feels as if I am the one who does not feel the same. Truth is, only reason I seem like that is because of her texting and what I know. For all the people on LS that have no concept on how to communicate with a woman, this is the prime ****ing example of how NOT TO. What you have done with building resentment and not communicating with your ex fiance is you have created emotional distance from her. Read what I bolded, shes telling you how she feels. Look how you responded. Hate to tell you bro and everyone else on this forum that agree with the way he responded, you are wrong. 100% wrong. You need to learn how to communicate effectively with women. I see it in a lot of threads. All of us like to paint our ex's black and blame them for things that they did and they did some pretty shady **** but at the same time 50% of the relationship ending the way it did was because of the emotional distance you created with your communication and lack of it. If you want to read more I suggest reading "For Him Only" There are other books out there like it but this one is my favorite. She is telling you that she feels lonely and that you dont want her around. She is telling you she is feeling insecure around you. What did you do to assure her this wasn't the case? Edited December 21, 2011 by wilsonx
carhill Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 OP, IMO, regardless of any past omissions by yourself, your fiance is apparently lining another option up without disclosure and without working the problem with you first. She's responsible for that choice. She does not get a pass on disrespectful and untrustworthy behavior because she's a woman and you haven't perhaps been communicating in a manner which inspires her confidence in your engagement. Confrontation clears the air. Lay the evidence out, state your feelings about it and then let it go. You do what you do at the holidays; she does what she does. I'll guarantee if you were looking to wet your wick on the down low because she wasn't 'meeting your needs', you'd get little sympathy here in LS-land. I'll guarantee you I didn't when I joined this place nearly four years ago. Equal-opportunity. She needs to own her choices. If that means she gets to keep the ring and not the man, OK. To be honest, re-reading your OP, I'd have been gone after the push-pull mind-fµcking started. This is, IMO, a monkey-brancher with the practiced methodology that nearly all women possess. You make her the happiest yet she's seeking 'things in common' with another man? Even my cat threw up a little in his mouth.
Author HLP234 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 In response to Wilson, I have been the one in the relationship bringing up that I notice something is wrong with her feelings. Wether it may be that she is having a bad day, sad or depressed, I have been the one to say hey, I feel like you are kinda down today, do you wanna talk to me about it? She would just say that its how she feels and nothing is wrong that its her depression or her meds. She is diagnosed as having panic attacks and clinical deprssion. I have supported her and will continue to support her because I love her. I told her last night why I may seem like that to her was because this guy has been texting her all the time, I'm not jeoulous but I love her and care which is why I told her it bothered me before. She said its just her friend and then continued on with she feels like im being different. So you are saying that if someone you love all of a sudden started acting a little distant toward you because she was talking to someone else, it would be your fault because you did not communicate? I have told her what bothers me about the situation, but got no input on it from her other than you feel like you are different and he's just a friend. This would make sense if I did not know about the emails but I do. Your advice makes complete sense and I thank you for that yet I can not be responsible for her actions when I have tried to communicate and she has been avoiding the possibility that maybe its this other person that is making him upset. I know for sure if I was doing that to her or if a girl even texted me more than once she would blow up with anger and tell me I don't care about her. But I at least have calmly stated that ok he's your friend but the frequency of this has upset me.
betterdeal Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 What is it you feel right now? That's what matters, right now.
Author HLP234 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 UPDATE: well I told her about the email. She didn't say anything. She was shocked she said she didn't know what it was or what its about. The last thing she sent was not that. She asked about if it was the whole email. Then she asked if I felt different about her. I said no i am just hurt. She apologized for me being hurt and me not trusting her. Told me to go look in her mail to see she is not up to anything. Then started saying she felt like I don't want her making up stuff in her head which I have enever enforced any reason for her to think that. Says all her friends are already making wedding plans and we don't do that and so on. She disrespected my parents before they ever met her so they have yet to wanna meet her which is why we havent planned any wedding as of now. She disagrees she did any disrespect. Basically I had to help out family and she showed herself as selfish and needy and my parents heard her tell me to come get my stuff that she was done because of an apoinyment I had for my family that did not go as planned.
carhill Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 'You must've misunderstood' Classic. Good luck man...
Author HLP234 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 Yeh which was my whole point of I don't think I should since I had a feeling she would react this way. Like I don't know u can go and delete email even from the trash. Why would she even act like this. My guess is she feels guilty and hurt that I found out and has no explanation so she tries to change it on me. I know what I saw it wasnt a mistake yet she's been avoiding talons admittance of the subject.
carhill Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 'Gaslighting' Wonderful simple word. At some point you'll think you've gone crazy, if you're not near that point already.
betterdeal Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 If you can't talk openly and with an amount of honesty between you, you guys have a big problem. I'd call a time out on the relationship. Once communication is gone, what else is there?
Author HLP234 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 I could be going nuts. I calmly brought it up stated i still love her and showed im willing to work on anything. So by this she should be confessing stuff up yet nothing. Im going crazy in my cube and needing to write more code is not what i should be doing today.
Author HLP234 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 Yeh I'm not sure I will be here this weekend. I could be going to see family. At least I feel better I told her. Clueless as to why she calmly acts like she never sent anything or doesn't realize anything. But the pauses in the convo told me she knew I found out. And yet she brings up getting married haha. I would still marry her but she's not gonna realize that even more time is needed now. You figure any other woman would scream argue and tell you that you are wrong but nope she calmly denies and acts like there was never such a thing.
betterdeal Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 It's said that the trait to "play dead" is based in the oldest part of the brain. Lying down and pretending to be dead is our last line of defence against a predator. Could it be she's reverted to that? Why, is an interesting question.
carhill Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 One scenario is to keep you engaged for whatever needs/wants you are meeting until plan B is solidified, whether that is with someone else or not. Another is that plan B has been going on for sometime but isn't working out as planned so you are the emergency slide from that aircraft and words are facilitating as soft a landing as possible.
Author HLP234 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 So I talked somw more and she finally admitted she was talking to her friend about the problems and arguments we had over my family and how thwy think she has disrespected them because all they saw was arguments between us so they have been put put off from meeting her. She acted needy and argumentive when she knew rhey were going through a divorce and since I'm the oldest i have to provide for my mom and brother and sister. She knows my mom thinks bad of her which makes her feel wrong about herself. So when she sais she would meet him when I wasn't there she said it because she knows on holidays I need to spend it with my mother and siblings since they are alone. But since mother disagrees with wanting her around for how she acted, she felt that is rude of my mither to judge someone without meeting them.. I guess regardless of how that person came off as a first impression. I completely understand that and i have been arguing with my mother about my fiance and even though what she did was give a bad impression i tell mother she needs to get over it and accept her even though she said she would not. So the email came off as her doing stuff behind my back even though she doesnt see that I fight with my family to get them to forget how she acted when they need me around them. So now this guy knows all this and she said she doesnt have many people to talk to and ahe could talk to me about these issues but was afraid that I wouldn't see her point of view. Well if I didn't see her view then when arguments rose with my family I would not still be with her i would have just took their side but I haven't I still am with her and will continue to argue that after all she is not as bad as they think even though she did crazy things no other girl would do to intervene when a family was going through a crisis. I have several other posts on here regarding that family issue on here.
Chi townD Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 UPDATE: well I told her about the email. She didn't say anything. She was shocked she said she didn't know what it was or what its about. The last thing she sent was not that. She asked about if it was the whole email. Then she asked if I felt different about her. I said no i am just hurt. She apologized for me being hurt and me not trusting her. Told me to go look in her mail to see she is not up to anything. This is total damage control. She wants to know EXACTLY what you know, and what you saw. Therefore, she can construct a viable story about what you know. But, she doesn't know exactly what you saw and what you didn't see.
Author HLP234 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 Chi, that's what I was gonna think but she knew what I had seen maybe didn't remember since it was a week ago but she knew when I mentioned the actual text in the writing. So she then finally gave in and told me the "why" reason in my post above. She knows she was caught wether she didn't mean anything bad or not. Which I think is why it took a while for her to even admit sending the email. She kept asking why I was upset and I'm like in my head really do u honestly not think I took that message seriously?
Author HLP234 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 I guess now she felt the need to be extra warm and cute to me. Seemed like she missed me and felt kinda bad. Although she is still upset about be going with my family for the holidays and stated that its just her being unsure about how I think of her now and not being there this holiday that makes her push herself away from me. That upset me but this is only the first year of the holiday thing and we see each other all the time, and she does not want to be around my family because she knows they are angry with how she acted a long time ago. I can say that my trust level has gone down and it seems like her email to this guy was completely uncalled for even though she said I took it wrong. Yet when she says she is pushing herself away and can't stand that my family does not like her, and I say well I don't want you to be unhappy if you want you can go, she turns around on me and says I don't want her which isn't true because I'm not the one saying they can't handle things.
Recommended Posts