HLP234 Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Recently my fiance installed some music programs on my computer and they came with viruses. I ended up trying to remove them and ran into stuff that has been recorded on the computer. One of these things was a few emails she was exchanging with this guy that has been texting/talking to her for a couple weeks. Basically the first one was her telling him all about herself, what she likes, does not like, how she likes the feeling of meeting someone and they have something in common. The second email I stumbled upon was after we got in a huge fight. She was telling him the situation is weird because we are on a lease, that she wants to meet him but the holidays would be better since I go to see my family. Basically says that she wants to hang out with him, loves talking to him, and if he does not want to put up with this, no hard feelings but if he does then its up to him and she laid everything out and that the ball is in his court? I was deeply hurt when finding this. But I do not know how to go about confronting this to her. She told him I know she is talking to someone else, and I do know she is and she knows I know. But I can't figure out how to explain the whole virus/infection situation as it sounds corny. I have been trying to get her to say something about it as I have noticed her texts to me are shorter, and less. She says its just the holidays and she is upset because I won't be around and going away. She is scared that I may leave her and beggs me not to leave her and that I make her the happiest and she is so happy to have me. She has always said this even when we started dating. Although 3 months in the relationship she had been going through my texts and I only talk to my guy friends so I have nothing to hide. She obviously will not say anything about this but acts like she is upset all the time and when I try to get her to admit something she tells me nothing is wrong and says she feels like I am changing my mind about her. Should I confront her, I don't even have the evidence anymore since I have formatted the pc and did a clean install of everything.
Chs Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 What do you need evidence for? YOU have seen it! You know this happened, you know that the girl you love is interrested in another guy and she even told him. Think about yourself now, do you want her? Fight to be better than him, don't need to confront her you just need to be a better man. I was in your place 2 months ago, it wasn't a fiance but it was the same situation nevertheless. I confronted her and we ended it right after. It was sad, both cried alot and it has hurt alot since. But it was too much for me, that she was attracted to someone else and acting on it. It doesen't mean she stopped loving you, and that she is lying when she tells you how much you mean. But i honestly don't believe it's worth fighting anymore when you are at this point, even if you ended up holding on to her the trust will be very hard to get back.
IronMaiden Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 I don't think you should try to explain anything to her. She has shown herself to be a deceptive cheat, and she'll just lie and try to make you feel bad, or she'll cry and break down, blah, blah and say how she'll never do it again, but of course she will. I'd break it off, and never even give her a reason. Let her fret about it and wonder about it for the rest of her life. She deserves it.
Rorschach64 Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Well before convicting her of something that might be totally innocent, you should confront her and talk this out. Yes, how you stumbled on it is going to probably sound corny but hell man...it is the truth ain't it? Though I would be just as suspicous as you with her frequency in texts to you dropping while she is talking to this dude. VERY suspicious. Sounds like my ex-fiancee during the first few months...wonder if there is any correlation insecure/low self esteem individuals and them finding someone else while in a relationship...oh well.
Author HLP234 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 I don't see the good in telling her all this. She knows I'm acting different now and her texting kind of stopped with him yesterday. She will act weird yet at the same time still like everything is ok. Talking with her family members I do not think will help. She keeps buying stuff for our apartment and just continuing on as normal. Of course if I throw it all in her face it will get turned on me saying it was not like that and I took it wrong. We've been together a year and I dunno how this started because they would text before I mentioned something and it stopped for months then again started. I'm not even sure what this guy knows. She does not get along with my family so maybe that's why this may be happening. I try to get her to tell me we need to talk or ask if something is wrong I even tell her I see something odd and she just ignores it tells me she loves me gets upset, begs for me not to change my mind about her or leave her. Yet why the need to hide all this if i had confronted her of possibly having someone else cuz of her texting between her and this friend the last time we were arguing about something irrelevant.
Chi townD Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Dude! What's the point of confrontation? Really?!?! Okay, you're going home for the holidays and she's making plans to meet up with this guy when you're gone. Can you honestly say that you can relax and have a good time while you KNOW your girl is meeting up with this guy. It's going to drive you crazy. If it was innocent, she could have met up with him for coffee or lunch (if it was completely innocent). But, you've gotten communication stating that it will be easier to meet up after you've left the area. That tells me that she's being deceitful. That it isn't innocent. A lot of times, the cheater does something called blameshifting. They start fights and blame all the failures of the relationship on you. Thus, this kind of justifies it in their head that what they're doing isn't so bad because this was all your fault. "I wouldn't be cheating if he talked to me more." " I wouldn't be cheating if he picked his socks up once in a while." It's to ease their own guilt. Confronting them calls them on their BS. Confronting them lets them know that you have the truth...now you want the whole truth. Confronting gives you back the power that they took from you with the fights and the neglect and the lies. Confronting puts you in charge. Now, it would be up to you whether to work it out or walk.
Sustugriel Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Sounds like my ex-fiancee during the first few months...wonder if there is any correlation insecure/low self esteem individuals and them finding someone else while in a relationship...oh well. Rorschach, There is a correlation. It's happened to me as well. HLP234, emotionally cheating is as bad as physical cheating, she is betraying your trust. She is being deliberately deceptive to find another guy and my guess is you only found the evidence because she covered up all other traces. She is a snake in the grass. If you've read my story for inspiration, just realize there's no trusting someone after they betray your trust like this. She will lie, deceive, subvert, and just in general do anything to alleviate her guilt in this situation. She is guilty, that's why she said those things to you, but it's not to keep you. It's for her own pampering of her ego, to make what she's doing seem right. Do confront her, YOU deserve to have your own feelings pampered. NOT HER. But I would probably already be prepared to grab your coat and walk out the door. She won't change and once trust is broken it's near impossible to get back.
Author HLP234 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 I wanted to make sure it was alright because the thing is I don't know how to bring it up since I have tried signaling something is wrong to see if she brings up the issue so I could be like well u remember those viruses, well this is what I found out. I don't want to be blamed for snooping and checking on her but her texting constantly gave me that feeling in the stomach that something was up. Maybe if I had not looked so deep into it I would not be so annoyed. I'm trying to figure out how I will lay it out cuz once I do I know it won't go well. I know I love her and she loves me all I care about is why if shes been saying for a year now that I've been the perfect guy, that after driendly texts with this guy turned into something else. I knew before she wanted to meet up and hang out with him casually a long time ago when I would say I wanted to go out with friends but she never did since I showed her I was not okay with that. I came off as maybe a little jeoulous but who wouldn't be if you are serious about someone.
Sustugriel Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 In all seriousness, HLP234, It really doesn't matter how you found out. That is completely irrelevant and if she reacts badly, well, what does that say about her? It says exactly what I said in my previous post. That she'll do anything to make it seem like what she's done is right, and you're the bad guy. She will manipulate this situation against you and I fear for your feelings. I know you have feelings for her, but we don't, and we can give you unbiased views. She will just do this again and again even if you reconcile this. The fact that she hid it shows that she's unwilling to change it to save the relationship. It's cowardly and selfish, again, treat it as such. Confront her, it doesn't matter how you found out.
SkyEmtRN Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 IF you do confront her... Do not be "tight" about it. Just be in a calm manner. If she gets hostile and defensive then something is up. BUT still remain calm. It may hurt and it may be difficult but you have to suppress that anger and emotions so you don't make the situation worse. If she gets hostile and angry just walk away. This will force her to come back with a clear mind and apologize for her hostility while you remain the bigger person and calm about it. If you approach with hostility than oh boy...prepare yourself... Anger is like an endless circle If two people are angry then they run aorund saying the same thing and say what ever they can to try to hurt the other person. Kind of like a verbal competition to prove to the other person that themselves are right. But if one person is calm and the other person is angry then the circle is broken.
wilsonx Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 This is something you need to confront. If you don't you are going to build resentment towards her. Don't attack her, Honey, I was cleaning some viruses off my computer and I found these emails. When I read them, it made me feel hurt. You know I love you but I want to understand why this happened the way it did. Can we talk about this? Then your job is to sit there and listen, she is going to blow you up. You are going to feel months of wrath, anger and resentment from her. Agree with her feelings. Say I understand how you feel and I still love you. Do not raise your voice, do not get defensive, learn to understand her feelings. I am going to tell you why she did it, because you emotionally distanced yourself from her. Number 1 reason why this happens. Shes going to say something along the lines of how you dont love her anymore. You might disagree with it, but its actually how she feels and to her its true
Author HLP234 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 The weird part is I don't feel like I ever emotionally distanced myself from her. She would start random fights and end result would be her packing and me telling her that sorry for the arguments you shouldn't feel like I don't care because she would pack and say shes gonna go home after every fight. So after a while I would calmly say ok I understand how you feel. And I've always told her she's beautiful, nice caring, do stuff for her all the time. When she would be sad i would do anything to cheer her up. So i don't feel like I did anytjing.to stop caring or distance myself.
Chi townD Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 She would start random fights and end result would be her packing and me telling her that sorry for the arguments you shouldn't feel like I don't care because she would pack and say shes gonna go home after every fight. Dude, this is classic behavior for someone that's cheating. They start fights to try to justify it in their heads that she was right to cheat. Because, I can pretty much assume that when you do confront her, one of the first excuses out of her mouth will be, "We've been fighting a lot." BUT SHE'S BEEN STARTING THOSE FIGHTS!!!! See how this works?
Sustugriel Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 So i don't feel like I did anytjing.to stop caring or distance myself. You probably didn't. Play devil's advocate with anything she says man. TRUST me on this. She can't be trusted, anything she says is just going to be manipulation to justifying what she's doing. Listen to Chi_townD too! I worry for you getting hurt bad in this. Keep us updated.
Chi townD Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 When you confront her, do you want to do a magic trick? The next time she says she's going to miss you while you're gone. Tell her," Ah Babe, it won't be so bad. You have OM to keep you company, right?" Then, watch the color drain from her face. SEE!!! MAGIC!!!
SkyEmtRN Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 When you confront her, do you want to do a magic trick? The next time she says she's going to miss you while you're gone. Tell her," Ah Babe, it won't be so bad. You have OM to keep you company, right?" Then, watch the color drain from her face. SEE!!! MAGIC!!! LOL that is so dirty and foul, but she deserves it if she is cheating. But we all shouldn't be jumping to that conclusion. We all know very little details and so does the OP. Confronting it in a passive manner would be the best based on what little detail even though there is a conversation between the other guy. We don't know if there was "sexting" since OP hasn't told us. It could be just regular talk...but I highly doubt it. There's suspicion but there's no true evidence until you confront her.
Author HLP234 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 Well how exactly do you play devils advocate? And even before this came up that's just how she is, very emotional and would make me feel like I didn't love her because that's what she would say, I'm leaving even after the first few fights ever just because she's fragile and would want me to feel bad for her. She was telling me earlier that if she left I woul would be missing out on the best thing ever to happen to me? I'm pretty sure she said I'm the best thing to happen to her all this year even her family was so happy to no longer see her depressed when she met me. I've been putting off the confront because she's been really sweet and cute just as she normally is and she I guess is starting to feel like I may wanna leave and she was begging me to not leave...this was yesterday and I have not even mentioned emails yet. I don't wanna be an ******* and leave her with the holidays. She and her family got me lots of gifts and I got her stuff too. Plus my ex left me for someone else just like this 2 years ago around this time. I was devastated.
Chi townD Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 There's suspicion but there's no true evidence until you confront her. Well, just the fact that she communicated that it would be easier to see the OM when OP goes home for the holidays. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I would try by saying, that he feels bad about leaving her alone for the holidays, so he decided to stay with her. See if she gets upset, or try to talk him into going. " NO,NO..no..I'll be fine! Go see your family. I'll be okay!"
Author HLP234 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 Well, just the fact that she communicated that it would be easier to see the OM when OP goes home for the holidays. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I would try by saying, that he feels bad about leaving her alone for the holidays, so he decided to stay with her. See if she gets upset, or try to talk him into going. " NO,NO..no..I'll be fine! Go see your family. I'll be okay!" I would do this but I'm not sure if I am going out of town or they may come here. I figure islf I say im gonna stay she won't say anything to him about meeting up. He's asked to hang out before and she would just make stuff up but I dunno about now. I have the full message that was sent so is rather pm it for who wants to read it than post it here.
carhill Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Confronting reality cleanses the soul. That it happened to occur around some date which has historical holiday meaning is coincidence. Do you really think your fiance cared one whit about how or when you got this wonderful morsel of relationship news? Cleanse your soul. It works. I used to be the 'put it off until a more appropriate time and place' kind of person. Life, marriage and divorce cured me of that disease. Confront and cleanse.
Sustugriel Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Well how exactly do you play devils advocate? Reverse the situation on its head. How would you feel if this was happening to one of your buddies...or a family member...or even me? Imagine that I told you that my girl was secretly talking to a person on the internet and was going to go meet him while I go home to my family. What would you say to me? Then follow your own advice. You have to put your feelings for her aside and treat the situation for what it is. A good friend of mine helped me a lot when he said to me "It is what it is." A sentence as simple as can be, but powerful. And even before this came up that's just how she is, very emotional and would make me feel like I didn't love her because that's what she would say, I'm leaving even after the first few fights ever just because she's fragile and would want me to feel bad for her. She was telling me earlier that if she left I woul would be missing out on the best thing ever to happen to me? I'm pretty sure she said I'm the best thing to happen to her all this year even her family was so happy to no longer see her depressed when she met me.I remember being told similar things, that her depression "disappeared" when she met me. That I was the best man in the universe, etc, etc. Self-esteem issues just don't disappear like that, they may be suppressed but they'll surface as soon as tiny things go awry. Her threatening to leave over small fights seems just dramatic and attention starved. She definitely has issues to work out but it's not your fault that she has them. And it certainly isn't your fault that she's confiding in someone else. I don't wanna be an ******* and leave her with the holidays. She and her family got me lots of gifts and I got her stuff too. Plus my ex left me for someone else just like this 2 years ago around this time. I was devastated.Ultimately the decision is hers to make, you sound like you're willing to work on anything to save the relationship. Very dedicated, admirable. You should be proud, man. You have to confront her to find out if she is willing though. Be passive and nice, but don't beg her either. If she makes it clear that there's no working it out then don't expel any effort on a cheater. Just turn and walk.
Author HLP234 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 She wants to see me everyday after work so i've been trying to not act like I feel like ****. Sometimes it works other times it doesn't. I always hang out with her after i'm done the day. Tonite we are going to dinner. She just told me she finished my christmas shopping with a smiley face lol. I said thanks even though I did not want anything and then she said she loves me. I figure if I am going to tell her, then I would do it while on the phone because if she is here she may ask to go see on the computer what the hell I am coming up with. As I said I no longer have the recorded screenshots/logs or whatever the hell was going on at the time; monitor would keep flashing I guess that was the screenshots being taken..creepy. My biggest fear is she will not believe me and think I went through her stuff. I don't know how if I were doing the same thing, I could act and do everything for her like everything was ok. Apparently she can or maybe the guy is backing off, I dunno could be a number of things.
Desensitized Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Umm... do you really need more evidence? Or do you want to wait until she actually cheats on you? Choice is yours, but it honestly sounds like you're enjoying prolonging the inevitable disaster.
SkyEmtRN Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I dunno could be a number of things. AND THATS THE POINT OF CONFRONTATION!!!!!! So you can find out what the number of things is. So you can get your answer and get to the bottom of the solution. So you can stop being in the "I don't know" phase. There are Known Knowns <- This is where you want to be There are Known Unknowns <- This is where you are There are Unknown Unknowns Confront her before she actually does cheat on you and trust me I'm sure people in this forum can tell you how bad that hurts. Especially when you could prevent it. But confront her in a calm manner and keep it calm. And always remeber that it can ALWAYS be worse.
Author HLP234 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 Well dinner ok but I could tell she was not being herself. She was playing all kinds of sad depressing break up music in the car. So I asked what was wrong and she said she was tired and then i said its been bothering me that she is acting like this. So she says that she feels I have been acting different around her and it just happens sometimes. So she said she felt like I was the one that didn't want her around. Apparently she is not taking responsibility that it could be this other guy talking to her, not that at all. I don't see how she is just saying its me, and feels as if I am the one who does not feel the same. Truth is, only reason I seem like that is because of her texting and what I know. So tomorrow I think I will just bring it up on what I found, no matter how stupid and corny it may sound. Doesn't even sound like she wants to talk to me, told her I love her and good night and all she said was good night back. See, even after I confront I feel as if its not going to go anywhere because she does not consciously see anything she does is wrong and that I am bothered by this other being.
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