venting

[bentnotbroken]

I think you are not getting what I'm trying to say, I'm talking about how I feel inside about this I'm not denying anything and I'm not saying that what I did was right,I am not saying that it is ok because I said no at first I'm saying that this is how I feel and those are the reasons behind me feeling this way,that's all.

 

 

I get it, I really do. I know you are venting. I get how you are trying to get to a certain level. What I am saying is don't be blinded by this. Don't focus on it. Healing begins with the truth, especially the truth to yourself. That is all I wanted to get across.

[whichwayisup]

You may want that apology but he isn't going to apologize to you. Right or wrong, like it or not.. It is what it is and somehow you need to make peace with this and work though it all..

 

All you can do is accept that the A is over, and admit your part in it. Sure he's a scummy d*ckhead who was in it for himself, look how he's lied and cheated behind his wifes back..Why would he treat you any better?

 

Some men, not just MM, are a-holes and don't care at all who they hurt. This guy is one of them.

 

Focus on healing and letting go..Enjoy Christmas with good friends and family. DO NOT LET this a-hole ruin your holidays! He isn't worth it.

[MissBee]

This really hit a nerve,I'm very upset that he hasn't called I feel that he owes me an apology or anything I'm really starting to obsess over him not calling :s

 

I know the feeling.

 

For a long time with my ex, I felt my life could not move on because he owed me an apology. He was a complete assclown towards me but overtime as I continued NC and grew...I realized, an apology from an assclown would be fake. He had apologized before...then did the SAME things after. Once I stayed away from him and focused on me, I found my own closure and the idea of him apologizing began to seem ridiculous. I think part of it comes from that feeling of delusion..where we still are hoping that this person loves us or cares, but they just "didn't know how to show it". So we hope that maybe one day it will dawn on them and then they'll give us an apology and "free us" to move on (or maybe they will be with us after they apologize). Usually. Not. The. Case. Once you get stronger within yourself, you begin seeing this person for who they really are and you care less and less about an apology and find the whole matter pitiful and can move on without it...as an assclown is an assclown, no matter what so they can keep their apology to themselves.

[MissBee]

This is so true. Not just for MM/OW, but for all relationships. I will print this out and give it to my daughter in a few years when she starts to date.

 

Most men categorize women when they meet us and decide whether they see us as wife material, just for "fun" or unattractive. It gives women the upper hand to be able to recognize this. Knowledge is power.

 

I think most women don't feel they are giving out freebies. They usually are naive or confused or reading his signals wrong. They were never given the tools by their parents to recognize when they are being taken advantage of, and they don't have the life experience and wisdom to see it on their own. Other women have low self esteem and feel flattered by any attention, positive or negative.

 

The thing is, it is very rare for a man to come right out and say "You are in my "just for fun" category and I have no intentions of being with you". They often show their romantic side to women that are "just for fun", so this confuses these women. The women take the big words and pillow talk as evidence that he is falling for her. And the truth is, he may be falling for her, in that moment. However, his feelings are often fleeting and very "out of sight, out of mind".

 

Conversation, connection, great sex are all fun things for the married man to experience again with a new woman, but this in no way translates to him wanting to change his life and actually be with that woman.

 

When most women are in love, we want to be with that person. We want to marry or live with that person. We live our lives with the intent of sharing them with that person. However, many men have no problem just feeling the "love", in that moment, with no intentions or desire to make it forever. Their attitude is more "it is fun, awesome, the feelings are great while they last...but this has an expiration date, and that's okay".

 

But men know women would be insulted and hurt if they knew this, and women don't often share the "let's have fun while it lasts" attitude. Women want some kind of confirmation that this is going somewhere, that this love is going to MEAN SOMETHING. So the A dynamic is often very lopsided and manipulative because the MM knows that OW is falling in love with him, and he knows that she will be very upset if he is honest and says he has no intentions of ever leaving his marriage. So he has to lay on the romance, avoid hard questions, put down the wife, play up his home misery...all to keep the OW on a string. Not because he has intentions of being with her, but because he wants her available to fill the gaps in his marriage or to stroke his ego.

 

Even the MM that are upfront and say they are staying married use the romance card to keep OW hooked. OW says she knows he's not leaving, but MM sets up that competition dynamic and manipulates OW to feel that, even though he says one thing, he means another. So he can say "I'm not leaving my marriage", but on the other hand he says how miserable he is, he shows disdain for his wife, he romances the OW and plays up their "unique connection". So OW is thinking, he SAYS he's not going to leave, but I CAN SEE that he loves me so much, his life will be so much better with me and his logical conclusion would be to leave her. So OW thinks she has a chance, and she hangs in there, sometimes for years, until what's left of her self esteem is shattered, until she has distanced herself from family and friends, until she finally realizes she's been played and becomes desperate and panicked.

 

By this time in the relationship, MM has usually driven OW to crying, emotional, desperation mode with his back & forth bul!*****...which is the perfect time for MM to say she is "crazy". By now, all the fun & sexy traits of OW have faded away because MM has to deal with her emotions and unmet expectations. Instead of trying to impress and romance her, dealing with her emotions becomes annoying to him and his only goal is to manage her. He will go back in forth between romance to being cold and short with her, because he is done with the relationship, but is now afraid she will tell his wife and cause problems in his real life.

 

It's really a fncked up dynamic and one that rarely benefits the OW and BW.

 

Awesome post!

 

Very true.

 

I think all women in the dating world need to be aware of these things and approach men and dating with that knowledge.

 

I think so many women blame men for hurting them or leading them on, when in reality, men make it clear what they want or don't want but we try to reinterpret it to suit our own fantasies of what we want....or the worse sin of all...believing that we can "change them" or telling ourselves they are "confused".

 

Men are simple creatures I have come to learn....the very complicated ones are the ones with tons of issues who are NOT suitable to date anyway, and trying to get through to them is of no use. They need to fix themselves and our "undying devotion" to say, a narcissist, will not heal him. Other men make things clear...once we're willing to pay attention and have our feet planted on solid ground and not try to read into things, convince ourselves that what they're saying or doing isn't in fact that and we're the ones who love to complicate the situation. So many OW and even regular woman on LS and in real life will post 25 paragraphs to explain a man's behavior...when one sentence sums it up....and all that other stuff is fluff. Or women get on LS and in real life and have a grand time of spinning stories for a man's bad behavior....and no matter what he does, in the end it somehow still points to him really actually loving her, she just needs to wait more, he just needs to be less confused, she just needs to sell herself some more and it's all crazy.

 

Men are socialized to be a lot more quick at decision making and seeing in black and white....with women as you've said, it's the same...a man doesn't need 10 years to see if he would marry you, 3 years to see if he wants to make you his gf or 4 years to realize if an OW is someone he is going to leave and be with. Men (who aren't emotionally disturbed...see above), I believe more so than women, can cut through that crap and realize what they want from you and in a few months to a year you should be able to tell the direction....anything else is a product of your own imagination and rationalization.

[alexandria35]

Kareena I get what you're saying and I understand how you feel like you need the apology to be able to move on. I was in a similar situation once where I was deeply wounded by someone I loved dearly. It happened suddenly and without warning. I remember being so incredibly shocked and hurt that this person I had loved and trusted could do this to me and then just happily walk off and leave me to my devastation. I hurt and obsessed for months afterwards and at some point I thought just like you think. If he would just have a conversation with me, admit that he did me wrong and apologize for it then I will be able to heal and move forward.

 

Finally eight long months later it happened! He appeared and said all the words I thought I needed to hear him say. The relief I initially felt was enormous, so much so that I simply broke down and wept. I floated through that day thinking finally I can go on with my life. But then over the next few days my newfound sense of healing and relief slowly disapaited as I realized this long awaited apology only added to my sense of confusion and anguish. My brain became flooded with even more questions than I had before as his words and actions were so contradictory and ridiculous. I sensed that his apology had everything to do with him and nothing to do with me. I knew he didn't care one iota about my feelings because if he had he wouldn't have left me to suffer for so many months. It wasn't an affair so it wasn't like he wasn't free to contact me at anytime to apologize or to show some concern. No, he simply crushed me and then refused to have any discussion with me about it whatsoever. Who the hell does that to someone they claim to love? And then come back 8 long months later to say sorry and I still love you? WTH???

 

So the end result of his apology was pretty much nothing. It did nothing for me and my healing. As a matter of fact I think it hindered my recovery because it reopened the wounds and only led to more questions, confusion and a longing for something more certain and solid. When somebody hurts you, you don't trust them anymore and when you don't trust someone their words are always suspect no matter how badly you want to believe in them. One day in despair I realized that there really wasn't going to be anything he could do or say to make it better for me. He had hurt me and I was just going to have to take whatever time it was going to take to recover from that. And it took me a long time. It was the longest I had ever taken to get over something.

 

I know why you want him to apologize to you, I understand why you think you need that but honestly it won't help the way you think it will.

[despicableME]

Does he think that I'm f***ing stupid or something?!

 

YES, HE DOES!

 

Obviously you're playing right into it, so whats your point?

 

I can bet you'll be with him by the time New Year's rolls over... count on it.

[LadyGrey]

I also understand how it feels to want an apology and I got one and I do think he meant it as much as he was capable of. Still, it didn't erase that he played me for a fool with the lies, so it's my conclusion that it made very little difference if any. The point is, we can't need someone's apology so much that it overshadows looking hard at ourselves and our own role in bringing the pain upon ourselves. Yes these men who lie and manipulate are asses but yet you need to look at why you allowed yourself to go there.

[skywriter]

This is so true. Not just for MM/OW, but for all relationships. I will print this out and give it to my daughter in a few years when she starts to date.

 

Most men categorize women when they meet us and decide whether they see us as wife material, just for "fun" or unattractive. It gives women the upper hand to be able to recognize this. Knowledge is power.

 

I think most women don't feel they are giving out freebies. They usually are naive or confused or reading his signals wrong. They were never given the tools by their parents to recognize when they are being taken advantage of, and they don't have the life experience and wisdom to see it on their own. Other women have low self esteem and feel flattered by any attention, positive or negative.

 

The thing is, it is very rare for a man to come right out and say "You are in my "just for fun" category and I have no intentions of being with you". They often show their romantic side to women that are "just for fun", so this confuses these women. The women take the big words and pillow talk as evidence that he is falling for her. And the truth is, he may be falling for her, in that moment. However, his feelings are often fleeting and very "out of sight, out of mind".

 

Conversation, connection, great sex are all fun things for the married man to experience again with a new woman, but this in no way translates to him wanting to change his life and actually be with that woman.

 

When most women are in love, we want to be with that person. We want to marry or live with that person. We live our lives with the intent of sharing them with that person. However, many men have no problem just feeling the "love", in that moment, with no intentions or desire to make it forever. Their attitude is more "it is fun, awesome, the feelings are great while they last...but this has an expiration date, and that's okay".

 

But men know women would be insulted and hurt if they knew this, and women don't often share the "let's have fun while it lasts" attitude. Women want some kind of confirmation that this is going somewhere, that this love is going to MEAN SOMETHING. So the A dynamic is often very lopsided and manipulative because the MM knows that OW is falling in love with him, and he knows that she will be very upset if he is honest and says he has no intentions of ever leaving his marriage. So he has to lay on the romance, avoid hard questions, put down the wife, play up his home misery...all to keep the OW on a string. Not because he has intentions of being with her, but because he wants her available to fill the gaps in his marriage or to stroke his ego.

 

Even the MM that are upfront and say they are staying married use the romance card to keep OW hooked. OW says she knows he's not leaving, but MM sets up that competition dynamic and manipulates OW to feel that, even though he says one thing, he means another. So he can say "I'm not leaving my marriage", but on the other hand he says how miserable he is, he shows disdain for his wife, he romances the OW and plays up their "unique connection". So OW is thinking, he SAYS he's not going to leave, but I CAN SEE that he loves me so much, his life will be so much better with me and his logical conclusion would be to leave her. So OW thinks she has a chance, and she hangs in there, sometimes for years, until what's left of her self esteem is shattered, until she has distanced herself from family and friends, until she finally realizes she's been played and becomes desperate and panicked.

 

By this time in the relationship, MM has usually driven OW to crying, emotional, desperation mode with his back & forth bul!*****...which is the perfect time for MM to say she is "crazy". By now, all the fun & sexy traits of OW have faded away because MM has to deal with her emotions and unmet expectations. Instead of trying to impress and romance her, dealing with her emotions becomes annoying to him and his only goal is to manage her. He will go back in forth between romance to being cold and short with her, because he is done with the relationship, but is now afraid she will tell his wife and cause problems in his real life.

 

It's really a fncked up dynamic and one that rarely benefits the OW and BW.

 

 

Wow! That covered alot of info! This is good stuff!