Jayerjay Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Hi All - Things have really been getting tough with my relationship the past few weeks and I could really use some advice. To start, we've been together for about 9 months and are both 28. Things have been great for the most part... same sense of humor, always have an amazing time with her (in group or 1 on 1), really enjoy each other's families, etc, etc. 90% of the time everything is amazing and I'm completely in love with this girl and she is with me as well, but the other 10% of the time it's like she is a complete stranger. A switch flips and she is insanely upset with me - says I don't love her enough, I don't listen enough to her and am not attentive. In summary she has said that there are just fundamental personality differences that she doesn't know if we will ever be able to get past and "get" each other. After her anger passes she is "gaga" over me again, apologizes saying she can't believe she said those things and that she's so in love with me. But then the same cycle will happen again a few weeks later. I don't know what to do! I do whatever I can to listen to her and make strides to be a better boyfriend. I appreciate the things she says and how it makes her feel, and then when I start to improve on something, a completely new thing seems to come up out of thin air. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to break up and I know she doesn't want to either, but we're just not getting each other and I'm starting to become resentful that none of the efforts I make are good enough for her. I've communicated all this to her, and have asked her what she needs out of the relationship and what I can do better, because I'm ready to work on it, and she can't give me any answers to those questions. I've never experienced this problem in a relationship before, anytime it has been with someone that I truly cared about and took the time to talk to and put the work in we have been able to work through it. Does anyone have advice on what to do? Or been in a similar situation? Thank you!
ditzchic Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Uhhhh. I've been that girl before. Bottom line is she's feeling very insecure right now. About what? I have no idea and she may not either that's why she's picking random fights. If you really don't want to break up you're gonna have to have an honest conversation with her and try and get to the bottom of what is eating at her. If you can't do that you're gonna have to leave her go because it is going to get worse. Insecurities rarely go away on their own and most often girls will try to ignore them away until they reach a boiling point. Talk to her.
norajane Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Yes, I agree she's insecure. So she creates drama (finding something to nitpick you about), gets your reassurance that you love her, and then is happy for a brief time until she feels insecure again and needs to create more drama. Bottomless pit of need and insecurity. Sorry, you need to run. You can't fix her issues - only she can. And right now, she'd rather think YOU are the problem rather than taking a good hard look at how she is sabotaging your relationship by creating needless drama every time she needs/wants reassurance from you.
ditzchic Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Yes, I agree she's insecure. So she creates drama (finding something to nitpick you about), gets your reassurance that you love her, and then is happy for a brief time until she feels insecure again and needs to create more drama. Bottomless pit of need and insecurity. Sorry, you need to run. You can't fix her issues - only she can. And right now, she'd rather think YOU are the problem rather than taking a good hard look at how she is sabotaging your relationship by creating needless drama every time she needs/wants reassurance from you. I don't agree that you need to run. You need to talk to her. Just because she is insecure right now in this relationship doesn't mean she is chronically insecure and there's no fix. You are a better judge of that than we are since we don't know her. I am far from insecure as a person but I did go crazy insecure in a relationship once. After that ended and I looked back to figure why I went crazy girl, I realized that there were actual issues we could have talked through had our communication been better. I lost all trust for him because of a series of lies and misdirections on his part. There was a strong possibility we could have worked through it had I felt comfortable enough with him to say "Hey, we need to talk about this stuff." But at that point was completely uncomfortable with him because of the lack of trust. If he had he felt comfortable enough with me to start the conversation instead of just waiting it out and hoping it would get better who knows what could have been.
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