Should I know? Should I not? Do I even want to know? (An early morning rant)

[Wolvesbaned]

I was at a furniture store yesterday and a thought hit me "what if they're together now" -- maybe that's what he meant by "I wouldn't tell you things just to make you feel bad" or whatever it is he was trying to say the last time we saw each other. I forgot the context of his comment but it wasn't out of nowhere so it didn't stand out weird right then and there --then again he's always had an odd way of saying things so I don't know why I'm pinpointing this.

 

One week after he's made his decision and I was here, I asked him something I realize is probably stupid considering there was still a lot of heat and frustration between us -- that if he ever gets with her, I think I have the right to know - if it was anyone else I don't care. Of coarse he responded stupidly by claiming that if they did get together it doesn't nessessarily mean I was right all along, but it could just be (of all things) "stress". So I reminded him of his moral stance "back in the day" (alright like 1 month before that) of him being repulsed by people getting together with a rebound person, specifically the rebound person taking advantage of their vunerablilty. Anyway the point was made and he actually realized that if she were to make a move on him that makes her one of the people he use to hate. BTW he wrapped this up with comments like he "shouldn't have to tell me anything" or "why does have to or why is he forced to" --- mind you I've never forced this man to do anything in his life.

 

OKOKO so why is this on my mind? After a little over a week of vacation --that forced me to just "chill". I thought I was fine. I even read ladyangel's poem and agreed to just accepting. Heck within the week of me getting back I have actually been fine (nothing close to the stress and anxiety I was feeling before) I've tried to just accept my feelings, working on accepting the dissolution of my marriage, trying to accept who he is today versus who he was, etc. But I still feel like I should have the right to know. I know we're separate. Hell the expenses have been officially split, the keys to the apartment was asked for and given. We're on our own.

 

A part of me wants to know. That I should know, it's my right to know. It might accelerate the moving on process if I knew. The other side --I should group her up with any other skank that he'll most likely run into right now. We're separate ... it might be easier not to know.

 

Would you rather know? Or do you know and would rather not know about your spouse's new "dealings".Has it helped you or do you think it will help you to know? Opinions/comments are appreciated.

[moimeme]

You want to know to put one more nail in his coffin. The 'AHA - I knew he was a liar' nail. It will be an extra dose of fuel for your indignation. It's not so much that they are liars, but rather chickens. They don't want to face the consequences of their acts so they tell you something that's not true.

 

So, if you really want to pound into your own head that he's a rotter, I suppose you could insist on knowing, but it will just add to the hostility you already feel. Since hostility is a poisonous emotion, I'm all for trying to get rid of it ASAP and move on.

[sweet lou]

I am in the same situation, my wife left me and I keep thinking she is with someone else. People keep telling me it does not matter but I feel like If she wasent I could get the thought out of my mind and move on with the things I need to do to try to get her back. If she was with someone else then I would have closer and be able to get through this diffcult time instead of hanging onto some kind of hope. I would also want to know down the road if she has found someone else. if we are seperated that is not a divorce and we are still married so if they are with someone else they should let you know so you can get on with your life. That is what I think but everybody I know who found out they eish they did not know.

[chrisvo]

I don't know if this is off thread, but:-

My wife left me and our twelve year old son ten weeks ago for some guy she'd known for five weeks.

Since then I have been thinking (in my quiet moments) 'What are they doing now? Are they shopping together, watching TV together, laughing, enjoying a meal, something a bit more intimate? I don't know whether it would help or not to know to be honest, but I know that the thought that they are probably doing something together that we used to enjoy, and now I miss tortures me immensly.

I tell myself to just chill, forget it - by I can't get it out of my head. Especially the thought that right now she is probably looking after his children (who he gets to stay over every other weekend) rather than our own with me.

Probably not a lot of help, but just to let you know that there are others who feel the way you do

[Wolvesbaned]

Thanks gang for responding

 

I guess these thoughts are normal. After all that's transpired it helps to know that some things are still "normal". chrisvo and sweet lou, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I'm fortunate enough to not have children or any real property for that matter. Our splitting of bills literally took less than a day, quite painless if it wasn't for all these feelings and I don't know - though thick and thin, for richer for poorer, that kinda of junk

 

I agree, I think I do have the right to know. We are still married. Funny thing is that I really don't care if he met someone else (other than her) - he hasn't really explored much and I realize now that he does need it and he isn't that exception he always claimed to be. I'm still delusional I guess - I'm still holding on to that slither of hope. But I know I shouldn't focus on that, in fact I should ignore it. In an odd way, I'm glad I have this time to myself. I can get my stuff together, reestablish my self as a person, not just his wife. I can have time for my interests now and follow a career path that actually interests me, versus one that will pay our bills faster. I'm actually looking into continuing my education in something unrelated to my field (after my own bills are paid of coarse), something I couldn't have pursued given I would've been the only one working while he was in school.

 

moimeme, you know what's crazy -- I'm not angry anymore. What's even crazier is in a way I still believe his words. He isn't one to make nice-nice just to spare ones feelings. He's proven this in the last month. Said things in the worst way possible... geez and I still love him!?? Oh well I suppose I need to put him in the back burner for now. I need to focus on myself.

 

But still ... this isn't how it's supposed to be. Why does it seem that "they" don't get that. You marry someone and build a life with them, you say you love them but leave them, just like that. How is this honorable? How does this show integrity? No effort, no working things out, no seeing a counselor. I just don't get it. I don't know if I ever will.