Lauriebell82 Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 I am 23 weeks pregnant and over the past like 1-2 months my husband and I have argued a lot more then usual. We only argue on the weekends, for awhile it was like every weekend we would get in some kind of conflict. I switched to a new job where I now have the weekends off and work Monday-Friday (I used to work every other weekend) so maybe spending 24/7 together is causing it? It's just getting stressful because we never used to argue this much and I don't know what to do. I know stress isn't good for the baby so I'm kind of at a loss.
daturanoir Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 What are you fighting about? If it's just bickering then maybe you're right and it's hormones/spending more time together.
bean1 Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 I never argued more when pregnant. Some couples do though. The arguments increased dramatically when the child arrived (as all parents will probably say!). Why are you arguing? Is it over something reasonable? Sometimes it can be hormones (spikes of pregnancy hormones can cause mood swings) but sometimes it's just ... no reason, iykwim? Please don't fight right now, believe me, the last few months of your pregnancy with the first child are the last "just us 2" time you will have for the next few decades - enjoy it, go on holiday, go out to dinner, embrace it, make love everywhere & anywhere at all times
sunshinegirl Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Hi LB, I'm sorry to hear about the arguing. I'd guess it's a combination of hormones, being together all weekend every weekend (especially if that's a change from a prior pattern), and who knows, maybe some latent anxiety about becoming parents? What are you actually arguing about? My H and I haven't argued too much more, though a few nights ago we had a stupid tiff over absolutely nothing of any importance and I had terrible nightmares that night.
Afishwithabike Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 No, I don't recall arguing more during pregnancy. I was much too tired to argue. I often felt like I ran a marathon twice. It sounds like the new job and all that time spent together might be the cause of the increase in arguments.
Art_Critic Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Define normal ? Every couple has their own dynamic and pregnancy adds to that.. You guys are also newly married, and pregnant so there might be things that can arise that need to be resolved. I wouldn't get too upset over it unless the arguments turn into abusive fights. You both are feeling a totally different set of stressors today and it might take you guys some time to learn to deal with them.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 Thanks for the help everyone. The arguments aren't over any huge issue, it's mostly over something one of us said that pissed the other one off. Example: 2 weekends ago I was eating soup at the kitchen table and my husband was sitting there talking to me. It was very hot soup (didn't realize how hot) so I burned my tongue real bad and said "ouch!" really loud. He said "omg calm down, sheesh." I took offense and gave him a "look" (so he says) and he stormed upstairs and slammed the door to his office and locked it. Over hot soup! I went upstairs and tried to talk to him (mistake) and he was SO pissed off still and said he felt bad for our poor kids that our marriage is in shambles. He said that he tried "nicely" to tell me to calm down but I argued that he didn't. That, coupled with the comment about our marriage made me more upset and it snowballed from there. I left the room and cried for like 2 hours until he came in and apologized and we talked things through. I'm just so sick of this happening, we actually didn't fight this weekend because we were so busy (we just bought a house) but we kind of bickered back and forth a little. I wish this would stop though I feel like I'm going nuts.
Dust Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Maybe he was just angry when he said the mariage was in shambles and didn't mean it.
Els Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 I think you need to sit him down one day when you both are calm, and explain to him that your hormones are all out of whack and that it should be better once the pregnancy is over and they have had a chance to stabilize. ie a temporary thing. Really, though, I would think most men should know that? Certainly that does not give you carte blanche to act however you wish, but he also needs to be more understanding and accepting during this time. OTOH, is there anything you can do to ease your stress currently? Taking less hours at the job, sleeping better, eating better, etc?
Art_Critic Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 A fight is where after all the screaming and yelling he sleeps on the couch and doesn't speak to you the next day and you withhold sex for 2 weeks.. That wasn't a fight.. that was a disagreement where one party's feelings got hurt... You both handled it well in the end.. you talked it through.. It might be good for you both to just take a breath when reacting right now till after the baby comes...
reboot Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 It's hard to fight when you're hugging. Hug more. 1
Afishwithabike Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 A fight is where after all the screaming and yelling he sleeps on the couch and doesn't speak to you the next day and you withhold sex for 2 weeks.. Are you speaking from experience?
sunshinegirl Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Thanks for the help everyone. The arguments aren't over any huge issue, it's mostly over something one of us said that pissed the other one off. Example: 2 weekends ago I was eating soup at the kitchen table and my husband was sitting there talking to me. It was very hot soup (didn't realize how hot) so I burned my tongue real bad and said "ouch!" really loud. He said "omg calm down, sheesh." I took offense and gave him a "look" (so he says) and he stormed upstairs and slammed the door to his office and locked it. Over hot soup! I went upstairs and tried to talk to him (mistake) and he was SO pissed off still and said he felt bad for our poor kids that our marriage is in shambles. He said that he tried "nicely" to tell me to calm down but I argued that he didn't. That, coupled with the comment about our marriage made me more upset and it snowballed from there. I left the room and cried for like 2 hours until he came in and apologized and we talked things through. I'm just so sick of this happening, we actually didn't fight this weekend because we were so busy (we just bought a house) but we kind of bickered back and forth a little. I wish this would stop though I feel like I'm going nuts. The bolded seems like a weird thing to say in a tiff about soup. Is there something else going on under the surface, or is he just (over)reacting to the increased bickering?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 The bolded seems like a weird thing to say in a tiff about soup. Is there something else going on under the surface, or is he just (over)reacting to the increased bickering? I'm not sure, that's not the first time he has said something like that. As Dust said, he may just say it out of anger as a way to hurt me because he knows it does. My parents fought like crazy (still do) and I witnessed it all growing up. It was horrible and painful and he knows I don't want to have our children go through the same thing. Another exampel that I thought of: We went to babies r us to register for gifts and I suggested we register for more the one car seat so each of our car's has one. He disagreed so then we started arguing over reasons why we should/should not register for more then one and he said that he felt bad for our kids that we fight so much and that they are going to grow up dysfunctional like I did. I don't know...
hotgurl Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 I'm not sure, that's not the first time he has said something like that. As Dust said, he may just say it out of anger as a way to hurt me because he knows it does. My parents fought like crazy (still do) and I witnessed it all growing up. It was horrible and painful and he knows I don't want to have our children go through the same thing. Another example that I thought of: We went to babies r us to register for gifts and I suggested we register for more the one car seat so each of our car's has one. He disagreed so then we started arguing over reasons why we should/should not register for more then one and he said that he felt bad for our kids that we fight so much and that they are going to grow up dysfunctional like I did. I don't know... Wow I would say something is going on with him if that is his go to response. Is he freaked about having kids? It is not unusual to panic once reality sets in. as an aside absolutely get two car seat if you guys are trading off a lot. It is such a pain to install them and deal with them etc....
norajane Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 I'm not sure, that's not the first time he has said something like that. As Dust said, he may just say it out of anger as a way to hurt me because he knows it does. My parents fought like crazy (still do) and I witnessed it all growing up. It was horrible and painful and he knows I don't want to have our children go through the same thing. Another exampel that I thought of: We went to babies r us to register for gifts and I suggested we register for more the one car seat so each of our car's has one. He disagreed so then we started arguing over reasons why we should/should not register for more then one and he said that he felt bad for our kids that we fight so much and that they are going to grow up dysfunctional like I did. I don't know... Do you think you are fighting with him like your parents fight with each other? Meaning, are you modeling your behavior (unconsciously) and turning things into "fights" rather than more calm and rational "discussions"? Are your reactions to him saying "no" or whatever more harsh than necessary, and lean on the side of escalating small issues into fights? Does HE think you're doing this? Learning to discuss and disagree and "fight fair" is an important skill in a marriage. If he's truly concerned about this, perhaps some counseling would be helpful so you can learn to communicate with each other more effectively without it turning into a fight. He obviously has some major concerns about your fighting styles.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 Do you think you are fighting with him like your parents fight with each other? Meaning, are you modeling your behavior (unconsciously) and turning things into "fights" rather than more calm and rational "discussions"? Are your reactions to him saying "no" or whatever more harsh than necessary, and lean on the side of escalating small issues into fights? Does HE think you're doing this? Learning to discuss and disagree and "fight fair" is an important skill in a marriage. If he's truly concerned about this, perhaps some counseling would be helpful so you can learn to communicate with each other more effectively without it turning into a fight. He obviously has some major concerns about your fighting styles. My parents have big screaming blow out fights, our's never get like that. I don't know if my reactions are more harsh then neccessary I never really thought about that. I know that I'm having some mood swings that I didn't have before and have been more sensitive with the pregnancy so I may just get more irritated then normal? The mood swings are hard to control, I go from being really happy and smiling to an hour later being depressed/angry and ready to start crying. Wow I would say something is going on with him if that is his go to response. Is he freaked about having kids? It is not unusual to panic once reality sets in. He's actually very excited about being a father. Maybe unconciously he is nervous or panicking? I dont know.
Els Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I'm not sure, that's not the first time he has said something like that. As Dust said, he may just say it out of anger as a way to hurt me because he knows it does. My parents fought like crazy (still do) and I witnessed it all growing up. It was horrible and painful and he knows I don't want to have our children go through the same thing. Another exampel that I thought of: We went to babies r us to register for gifts and I suggested we register for more the one car seat so each of our car's has one. He disagreed so then we started arguing over reasons why we should/should not register for more then one and he said that he felt bad for our kids that we fight so much and that they are going to grow up dysfunctional like I did. I don't know... I think you both need to learn to pick your battles, LB. I mean, does it really matter so very much whether you get one or two car seats? If you notice the discussion heating up that much, instead of allowing it to escalate into an argument, why not just give in?
daturanoir Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I think you both need to learn to pick your battles, LB. I mean, does it really matter so very much whether you get one or two car seats? If you notice the discussion heating up that much, instead of allowing it to escalate into an argument, why not just give in? I completely agree about choosing your battles, but that doesn't necessarily mean having to give in either. There are other ways to get your way without always having to have discussions over every little thing. It probably doesn't matter that much in the big picture if they have one or two car seats, but they're registering for gifts and might not even get two...so what's the harm in leaving the option open? It seems more stubborn to me to insist on only registering for one. You're exactly right that it's not a big deal, which is why it's dumb to continue a conversation about something that you can see is turning into an argument. Usually in those types of situations it's not so much about the car seat (or whatever the issue started as) but who gets their way/gets to be right. Based on responses in many threads I've read from people on this forum most people wouldn't agree with me, but what I've learned in my marriage is to stop discussing every little thing and to find more indirect ways to get what I want in some cases, and we're both a lot happier.
bean1 Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I think you both need to learn to pick your battles, LB. I mean, does it really matter so very much whether you get one or two car seats? If you notice the discussion heating up that much, instead of allowing it to escalate into an argument, why not just give in? I agree with Elswyth. Picking your battles is a HUGE problem for many expecting/new parents - sleep deprivation, crying baby, life adjustment -> part of a harmonious new family is letting go of things that truly don't matter. Likewise, your husband needs to understand that ALL parents fight. ALL. Some do it worse than others, but the first year of your first child is by far the most rock 'em sock 'em robot year you will have. Getting in tears about how this "poor baby" is going to grow up watching it's parents fight is an immature reaction to the discussion as well. You're going to fight. You're going to scream. You're going to hate each other in moments. It happens. And as time goes on, you will both grow. On a personal mom note, I would never recommend buying two car seats before your baby is born. Remember that some babies outgrow the requirements very quickly - my son outgrew his infant seat at 15 weeks, not 1 year like many do. Until you know what size your baby is, don't buy two - or else you could end up buying 4 at the end. Check out "extended rear facing" car seats if you want two - they are safer and well worth the money. Mine was $130 on sale (Graco MyRide 65) from Wal Mart and goes from birth to 45lbs (which can be 2-4 years).
hotgurl Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 [quote=bean1;3779023 On a personal mom note, I would never recommend buying two car seats before your baby is born. Remember that some babies outgrow the requirements very quickly - my son outgrew his infant seat at 15 weeks, not 1 year like many do. Until you know what size your baby is, don't buy two - or else you could end up buying 4 at the end. Check out "extended rear facing" car seats if you want two - they are safer and well worth the money. Mine was $130 on sale (Graco MyRide 65) from Wal Mart and goes from birth to 45lbs (which can be 2-4 years). Now that you mention it I had two car seats when my DD was a toddler in a front facing car seat. Due to us both picking her up at daycare. LB how did you guys deal with conflict prior to the pregnancy?
bean1 Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 (edited) Yeah I really caution parents before buying too much expensive stuff that is size-based. I'm a size 2 and did not expect to pop out a 10lb baby that is still on the 102% for size (he is the size of a 3.5 year old at 18 months). He outgrew everything almost a year before he should have. Now that's frustrating! I think it's very typical of most first time expectant parents to focus on some things (ie. fighting over needing 2 car seats for an unborn baby) rather than focus on what really matters (understanding infant sleep cycles, what to do if "X" happens such as postnatal depression, etc) but I guess that's part of the parcel that comes with the lesson! Edited December 21, 2011 by bean1
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 You do need to pick your battles - but I think that also, you need to have a talk when you are both calm and feeling kindly towards each other about "fighting fair." Getting mad, annoyed, disagreeing, bickering all are normal, but I think he says hurtful things that should NOT be said (feeling sorry for your unborn children, especially when you are pregnant). I imagine that you also say "out of bounds" stuff during fights, as it seems to be a "culture" that couples fall into and that ultimately becomes "normal." This ends up eroding a relationship, and also creates a dead end when there are really disagreements or high emotions that need to be discussed or aired. So the real things don't ever get resolved; it all becomes centered on the low blow somebody delivered during the argument and the need to make amends and / or forgive for that.
allina Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Saying that the marriage is in shambles is absolutely out of line. I know that we sometimes say things we don't mean when we are angry but much like the D word I feel like this is crossing the line. It seems like he might be anxious about all the upcoming changes. What does he say about the shambles comments after he calms down? Have you asked him if he feels like there are issues in the marriage that need work? Also, from what I remember you are planning on being a sahm. Is he stressed about having to support the family? Have you both discussed your expectations of each other once this change takes place?
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