RatsAreCool Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 I hadn't spoken to him in over a month. We've been apart for three months. For two months we kept texting each other, mostly angry stuff, till I finally got fed up and deleted him from my phone, from everything. I hadn't spoken to him for a month, until last week when he happened to be at a party that I was at. At first when I walked in it was awkward, he went outside and it felt like it was in order to avoid me. But as the night progressed he struck up a random conversation with me and seemed really eager to talk to me. The conversation kept getting interrupted by other people and he kept coming back anyway, in an awkward and obvious way. He was also being kind of flirty, standing so that his hand was about two inches from my leg while I was sitting down. THEN, afterwards, I went to In-n-Out with a friend. We were inside and he happened to in the drivethru lane with his friend (I live in a small town). He saw us, then parked his car, made his friend get out, made the workers give them their food inside, and confused the crap out of everyone... even though he had to get up for work early the next morning. It was also really obvious it was his idea, because at one point his friend--who was pretty crossfaded--said "Hey, why did we come inside? I thought you said this would be faster!" I really don't know what to make about this guy... this all happened a week ago and he hasn't texted me since. Also you would have been really proud of me, I played it super cool at this party. I didn't initiate anything and I made normal conversation when he came up to me. He was the one that brought up the time we've spent apart and all that jazz, not me. And he kept referencing little details about me... like asked me about how French was going and apologized for smacking his food too loudly because he knows I hate that... Please be nice, I know I've posted a lot of stuff over and over, but my anxiety causes a lot of that. I put it here so I don't annoy my friends. Don't be mean! If you don't want to hear about it anymore... then don't answer.
smokey bear Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 whats the history? time together? reason for break up? how long nc?
Author RatsAreCool Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 We were never officially "together," but we spent three months hanging out like we were dating, spending nearly every day together (I know that's not a long time but still take me seriously, this whole thing has affected me way more than the breakup of my two year relationship). He ended it for the same reason he never made it official--he's not ready to be in a relationship right now, he doesn't want to give up partying, he was too busy with work and wasn't getting enough sleep, and he "just can't be [my] bf right now." He once said towards the beginning of our thing that he wished he'd met me in a few years when he was ready because I was "perfect" and looked at me, with all sincerety in his voice and eyes, if we could wait. I think that's a good enough characterization, the whole thing was really complicated, as you can see. And we haven't seen each other since I went to pick up my stuff from his place at the end of September, and the last time I spoke to him was November 1st (I remember the date because of my diary, I'm not that weird, haha).
Author RatsAreCool Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 It's hard to understand how someone could act like he has such strong feelings for you (and in many ways he always acted like his feelings were stronger than he said they were), but still be so weird about everything. Except that he had a crappy relationship before me, a few years ago. He happened to call me by her name as he was breaking up with me. Granted our names are quite similar, they rhyme, but he'd never called me by her name before...
smokey bear Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Taking your situation seriously it sounds like you were a rebound and he still has unresolved issues with the ex. I dont expect you'll hear anything further from him apart from maybe friendship or a fwb situation. The hardest relationship to get over is being a rebound. research it and understand it.
Author RatsAreCool Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 (edited) ...if I am a rebound it's the weirdest rebound in history. That girl left him literally three years ago and he hasn't been in a relationship since. He has, however, said a whole lot of times that "relationships are nothing but a bunch of mind games" and everyone who knows him knows he hates relationships. Idk. I think I've done a poor job of characterizing everything. Not to be a jerk, I know you're just trying to help me, but I know that's not what it is. He's been with other girls since the one who left him. She apparently just scarred him for life or something. Edited December 19, 2011 by RatsAreCool to sound less rude
mike588 Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Taking your situation seriously it sounds like you were a rebound and he still has unresolved issues with the ex. I dont expect you'll hear anything further from him apart from maybe friendship or a fwb situation. The hardest relationship to get over is being a rebound. research it and understand it. Smokey is right...don't expect to hear anything and Ohhhhhh yes a rebound relationship is the HARDEST to get over..believe me I know!!
YouNeverKnow86 Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Smokey is right...don't expect to hear anything and Ohhhhhh yes a rebound relationship is the HARDEST to get over..believe me I know!! How is it a rebound if he has been broken up with his ex for 2 years? I think it is either: A). Not emotionally available B). Doesn't want to get involved with anyone in fear of getting hurt again This guy is seriously messed up if it is a rebound 2 years later.......Highly unlikely
YouNeverKnow86 Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Are delayed rebounds possible.......Years later?
smokey bear Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Its still a rebound, he's not over the hurt or issues from the ex, regardless of time its still a rebound until these issues are put to rest. He wont be capable of a relationship until these issues are laid to rest, i have a friend similar she is still jaded and man hating from an experience she had 3 years ago, she wont be capable of a relationship until these issues are resolved, she wont be capable of giving her heart until these issues are resolved. Its a rebound............
YouNeverKnow86 Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Its still a rebound, he's not over the hurt or issues from the ex, regardless of time its still a rebound until these issues are put to rest. He wont be capable of a relationship until these issues are laid to rest, i have a friend similar she is still jaded and man hating from an experience she had 3 years ago, she wont be capable of a relationship until these issues are resolved, she wont be capable of giving her heart until these issues are resolved. Its a rebound............ So then how do such issues get resolved? This guy bury's the hatchet with his previous ex? They get back together and give it another go? I mean this can't be true with everyone........I am interested in this because this could be the issue with my ex. Do people like this even realize their ex is the cause for their issues? I don't think they do, they are just naturally unhappy. Even though the ex is the problem, they don't think that is the case. This is a serious issue for people like this.
Author RatsAreCool Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 I still don't think you could seriously classify this as a rebound. Hurting from something that happened in the past isn't the same as getting into a relationship because you're lonely, which is what a rebound is. Time has nothing to do with it. The motivations here are completely different. If it helps, I was reading about the approach avoidance conflict. Basically avoidance comes when someone wishes to avoid negative stimulus, and approach is when they go after positive ones. Someone who's approach motivated will think things like "I want to get closer to this person." Someone who's avoidance motivated will think things like "I don't want to get hurt again." It's a subtle difference, a bit hard to understand. But basically an approach motivated person will be satisfied in a relationship that gives them positive outcomes, an outlook typically responsible for healthy relationships. An avoidance motivated person will be satisfied with anything that's not uncomfortable. Unfortunately, nearly everything will be perceived as uncomfortable, because it only takes one incidence to be perceived as rejection. For example, a guy is with a chick, and he's approach motivated. The gf says something snotty one day, but the guy is willing to overlook it, because of all the positive benefits of the relationship. However, if the guy were avoidance motivated, he might bail just because that particular incident made him uncomfortable, and those are the incidents he chooses to focus on. Glad I finally researched this topic, it helped me understand. Avoidance motivated people tend to be more anxious in relationships. The guy I was seeing was the most avoidance-motivated person possibly in the world. It's pretty easy to tell once you get the hang of the difference between the two. Pretty sure I'm avoidance motivated too... oops.
Author RatsAreCool Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 And as to how the issues get resolved, I don't think it's a matter of working it out with that person. I can't speak for your guy/girl, but I can tell you that with mine, I think it's less that he's still into her really, it's more like that one bad experience has made him think that all relationships are bad and scary. Which he'll pretty much tell you although not in so many words. It's more like they have to understand that one bad experience doesn't mean that all relationships are bad or all members of the opposite sex are evil. Which is sometimes hard to do.
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