Standard-Fare Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 In some situations, like when someone really hurts you or wrongs you, or if the relationship went down in flames and is toxic to you both, NC seems like the absolute right way to go. But in other situations, it can seem just kind of ... false. For those who can relate to this, how do you deal with the emotional hypocrisy of NC? Myself: I'm fresh into a breakup that ended on mostly mutual terms... we both agreed it was time to end. We also both acknowledged that were were in a lot of pain about it. For me, going totally NC has felt like making myself cold against my will. I feel like it's communicating to him "I'm steaming ahead with my life, I don't care about you, and I have no interest in what's up with you." When in fact, the exact opposite is true. I don't want to get back together. But I'm fighting myself constantly fighting urges to send texts like, "God this sucks, I'm thinking about you and I miss you," or letters that let him know the relationship meant a lot to me. Just ANYTHING to communicate, "This wasn't meaningless." We may well be on the path to becoming strangers, but right now we're both suffering from broken hearts and NC feels like an act -- like pretending not to give a sh*t.
PoppyLove89 Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 So say you do text him and call him all the time, "I miss you"..."Thinking of you" and he does the same. Do you really thing that this is going to help you move on?! Doing so will only keep him fresh in your mind and in your life every day. You'll be thinking about each other enough without all the contact as it is. How long do you think it would take you to get over each other if you remain in regular contact? It's virtually impossible, since feelings linger and the memories won't fade. Nobody's stopping you from picking up the contact and trying to start a platonic friendship once you've both had time and space to get over each other. You won't have time to heal or reflect if you stay in constant contact - that's why NC is the way to go
BoredAgain Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 A lot of people treat NC as a dogma... it's not. If NC isn't helping you, then you shouldn't do it. The problem is that most people who say, "I don't need NC in my situation" are deluding themselves. Maybe you are... maybe you're not... I have no idea. But I implore you to ask yourself some questions first: If you text him and he ignores it, would that upset you? Or if he told you that he was doing just fine without you, would that upset you? What if he told you about a new girl he was seeing? If you're okay with all of that, then go for it. If not, then maybe stick to NC for awhile longer before doing the Low Contact thing.
Author Standard-Fare Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 Yeah I wasn't necessarily saying that I think breaking NC is the best idea... I just feel like I'm projecting coldness and aloofness when it's the exact opposite of what I'm feeling. I'm having trouble dealing with how UNNATURAL it feels -- it's like I'm totally betraying my own instincts and emotions. Just wondering how others have dealt with these conflicting forces: 1. The need to stay out of contact in order to heal, vs. 2. The desire to let your ex know you still care and that you value the time you spent together.
wilsonx Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 stop projecting the opposite of how you feel, thats lying to yourself, embrace your true feelings and feel them. Its ok, if you feel hurt, feel it, if you feel pain, embrace it. Just feel, no actions are required (hence breaking NC is not required), remember this is a long process that gets easier over time
PoppyLove89 Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 These are all normal emotions to feel after a long-term relationship break-up! You were in each other's lives in one way or another every single day for the duration of your relationship, whether it be physically or via mobile/internet - of course it's going to feel weird and unnatural once that's gone. A break-up after a long relationship is like a drug withdrawal, you feel all sorts of things because something's missing and you've become used to it. What you're feeling is all very normal and I have been there myself, even a month and a half on it still feels odd not having him in my life (only about a month NC). I was absolutely devastated, couldn't eat/sleep/work...I had the shakes from the amount of tension in my body and I felt sick to my stomach but you know what? I'm getting used to it and about three weeks in, I actually managed to start laughing again! You said your break-up was a mutual decision, your relationship had run its course, so now it's time to let each other heal and move on. Your ex knows you and he'll know that your relationship and your history means a lot to you...you wouldn't have stayed with him for so long if it didn't. You won't have to remind him of that! And besides, it's better to heal while you're on good terms so a possibility for friendship remains, don't risk it becoming bitter; 'bad blood will out'. Chin up
SkyEmtRN Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Don't feel bad if you try NC and break it... Trust me NC is not easy and I sure as hell have a LOT of problems trying to do start and keep it.....my record is like 2-3 days after 5-10 attempts... So I'm coming to conclusion that maybe LC is better in my situation but then idk... what ever floats your boat ashore.... Hope everything works best for you
Riseabove Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 NC definitely does not feel natural for me, but it feels needed. I tried the friendly approach by staying in touch, but it hurt to much. NC was the obvious choice for me. I did not even know it was an expression for it when I chose it. My GF broke up with me so I will not allow myself to feel bad because I need NC. I'm not a robot that is able to continue having contact and push all feelings aside. She should understand and respect that. I guess the day will come where I can have contact with her without it hurting. But until then, NC.
Zabs Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 :cool:Why not look at it as a redefinition of boundaries? In the past, I have 'redfined' because as much as I couldn't be in the relationship, I couldn't not have him in my life...time will tell if this is right for you. I guess it really depends on the basis for break up... Much love, Zabs xx
Recommended Posts