Big problem, and seeing each other soon... :/

[Aj23]

So I posted on here a few months ago to talk about an issue me and my SO had had over some insecurities not long before we last met up.

 

When we were together for 10 days we went through every emotion available, spending some nights crying our eyes out, others being very intimate and eventually ended her visit feeling more in love than we ever have, and that continued for the next month before I booked to see her again for New Years Eve which we were both really looking forward to.

 

Fast forward to last week, shes really quiet with me and I can tell something is up. I ask her and amongst a lot of other issues (her best friend has caught Malaria while he's doing missionary work, her other friend is having an abortion and she's picking up the pieces, she's struggling to get her things back from an ex bf) she's finding distance with me hard. Anyway, I help her out for a week really putting my all into cheering her up and last week she tells me she loves me and she feels happier and I say it's great and that I'm happy for her.

 

Anyway, she's been a bit distant and not so affectionate with me which I guess was because I said if she finds the distance hard she needs to fix herself and I'll be here waiting.

 

Anyway today after feeling crummy that I've helped her and she's pushing me away I said that I want to know how things are between us and how does she find the distance (we've been happily communicating throughout and she's been at work non stop for 2 weeks and is an hour ahead so she's tired understandibly)

 

Now because her last relationship (where she was engaged) went bad, she is petrified that if she can't give her all and see me whenever she wants that she can't be happy. She wants to be with me and knows when we're together it's great, but she feels we can't have a relationship without seeing each other cos she'll mess up or she can't give her all. Now I've told her she shouldn't worry about messing up she means the world to me and if I could make the distance better I would.

 

She says she can't do it any more and I said that I don't want her to give up when it gets tough as when we're together it's worth it and she agrees but is unsure. We're seeing each other on the 30th Dec until 6th January and I don't know how to act (I asked her and she said 'just be yourself')

 

I asked her if I was in Sweden (where she lives) could we have something there and she said no if we were together she'd see us in England (where I live) which is great I'd love her to move here and I'd even move there, there's plenty of design jobs there, but I'm still at University until May and she's still at college until June. In the summer we could see each other for months on end, but right now I don't know how I can convince her to not give up and stick with it, any ideas? She keeps saying she's unsure how many times she can visit me next year, but I keep saying lets take things one step at a time, not worry about next year we'll work it through. I think cos of her old relationship she looks to the future a lot rather than live for today.

 

She knows when we're together things are great, and most of the time when we're apart we're fine, we skype we talk on the phone a lot, but sometimes she physically needs me there. I can't wait to see her again but I'm petrified I'll get there and have my heart broken.

[wildgeese]

If I read your previous posts right, then you two only met this past summer, correct? It sounds like you're in a difficult situation since it seems like she isn't in a strong emotional place (and from past posts it seems like she doesn't handle conflict well which is even more difficult in a LDR), you guys don't have an end date, and you haven't been together in the same place much at all. That's all pretty heavy and she's understandably feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes one partner is just a little better equipped for these things than the other.

 

I do think that you should see each other soon, have a good time together, and not put too much pressure on the future right now (though I know it's hard not to as LDR are very future-based). If she doesn't feel like she can do it, then that's something that you'll have to accept. It sounds like she isn't exactly willing to put up with the cons in order to enjoy the pros.

 

Are you genuinely feeling satisfied, supported, loved and appreciated in this relationship or are you making excuses for her?

[Aj23]

Thanks so much for the reply.

 

If I'm honest I think it's just a case of wrong place wrong time for me to bring it all up. And you're riught, it's hard when all we've known is LDR. It's literally only been a problem these last few weeks.

 

Yes we met this summer, at the World Scout Jamboree in Sweden where she lives. She's been through a lot for such a young person and she is incredibly head strong, which is part of the reason we originally met up. We spent 2 weeks in the same place, but had little contact, I found her on Facebook and within an hour or 2 of talking she'd booked a plane to see me.

 

She does give up when stuff gets tough though and I have to calm her down a lot. She tried to raise money to go to Colombia with her school and I sold some stuff on Ebay for her but she got so frustrated she flipped out over it when she didn't understand what to do. I guess I don't know how to convince her to be strong and keep going, it's engrained into her to avoid conflict.

 

I guess right now I am making excuses, because this 'isn't her' to me. I feel like I picked a bad time to bring it up this time, because she feels like she has to answer me, and part the reason she just said she can't do it, she feels like we have to be together so she can give it her all.

 

I guess I am more equipped for this, I always found the distance ok, cos I was so excited to see her I counted days down and it came quick. I'm just worried now she's said that she can't handle it how to act when I go in 11 days time, and how to act between now and then? I want to give her some space and stuff but don't want to leave it how it ended today. I asked if we could wait until we'd seen each other and she said she couldn't answer it right now as she was so tired (been at work all day, again my bad for picking the time to bring it up) and she said goodnight.

 

Before this week I have felt loved and appreciated, she told me she loved me first, she hid letters round my room last time she was here which I find now and then and they talk of how much she thanks me for what I do and stuff, so I can't say I'm putting a silver lining on things. She even said thankyou to me for cheering her up the last few days and was putting hearts and the normal terms of endearment up until 2 days ago (albeit whilst talking less and maintaining a bit more distance).

 

I know when I'm there we will have a great time, we always do together. Just don't know what to say or do before then to get her from thinking she can't do it to making her think that it's worth the tough times to have the great times, as she agrees we're great together.

 

Again thanks for the reply, it's helping a lot

[wild_urge]

I think that you just have to convince her that once you see each other in a few days, she'll feel much better. I also used to freak out like her, thinking about the future and how hard it is going to get ... and he kept telling me be strong and that things will be fine, I didn't believe him... but actually things have worked out, as much as possible of course, it's still not easy, but we made it work despite all my worrying...

Good luck!

[FitChick]

The standard of living is so much better in Sweden. I doubt she'd be happy living in poverty in the UK.

[Aj23]

Thanks Wild_urge. I know it's just a case of freaking out and I can see why she's doing it now, I just want the chance to show her things can be ok. What helped you get over the freaking out? I don't know what else I can do, I remember last time we'd had an argument just before she came to visit and thought it'd suck when she got here. I saw her on the train after she'd travelled about 9 hours to come over from Holland (she loves travelling) and as soon as we saw each other it melted away and I could have jumped through the window to hug her - I'm hoping it's the same this time.

 

I'm finding it tough not being able to get through to her so maybe I should leave her be for a while. She's sent me 3 or 4 pictures of the Snow in her hometown and told me how school is anyway, so it's not like she's not trying to make contact I'm just gonna try and keep some distance for both our sakes and wait until we're in person to sort it out, we do better then. I guess I find it hard to put myself in her shoes, so any help you can offer as to how your SO made you feel better Wild_urge I'd really appreciate

 

And FitChick I agree she's mad to want to be here, but she's frequently said that she's unhappy in her town (she lives in the arse-end of nowhere and rarely sees friends, etc. which I guess contributes to her struggles) and says that she feels at home in England. I'd quite like to live in Sweden, though the language barrier isn't great (I know some basic Swedish but she is fluent in English) so I'd struggle more to find a job there as her here. But Sweden is expensive, and she can get a hell of a lot more for her money here than Sweden. She was literally amazed at how she could buy two litre bottles of Smirnoff Ice for £5.50 when it cost about 90kr (£9) for a 330ml bottle there.

 

I know come summer we can spend some time in both Sweden and England and we talked of going to Spain, so I know if we can make it to there things will be better.

[wild_urge]

To tell you the truth, only time teaches you that freaking out before something has even happened is pointless... the most reassuring thing right now is that you'll see her in a few days, that's nothing, and you'll have a lot of fun I am sure, plus the holiday spirit might put her even more at ease. Remember, it will be fine I can't think of anything you could do, apart from being supportive, I know it sucks for you too, you can't always be the strong one... my boyfriend sometimes get mad at me and tells me that I should stop whining and complaining... and he's right to do so, I understand why she's sad, but it's not a reason to get depressed, her friends are in a bad situation, but she is not and it's fine to be compassionate, but she shouldn't be punishing you for it and she shouldn't be feeling so down, none of them has died or anything as serious, her friend has decided, whatever reasons she has to have an abortion and it is for her to feel sad or not, and for the other friend, I know that malaria is very easily curable if you have resources to pay for the medication and her friend being from Holland should be able to afford it, it is actually deadly for the poor that cannot afford to see a doctor, which is often the case in Africa. If I was you, I would give her a few more days, then have some fun over the holidays and if this continues after that then you should discuss it with her...

[Aj23]

Well when I woke up today she'd sent me a few pictures of the snow and told me she'd been at college and was going to be on their website. I guess because I wasn't sure how things were I didn't know if I should have replied or not, but I didn't because I don't want to tread on toes, especially when she's told me she can't do the distance any more. I don't want to bring it all up again but I want to know if it was a spur of the moment thing or if I'm going to Sweden to look like an idiot and come back hurt.

 

I replied a bit later (a good few hours) but she seems a bit distant with me again maybe because I didn't reply earlier. I'm never any good with these situations but I'd managed to have a chat with her sister who agrees with you that it's just a freakout. I'm just worried that in the next 11 days I'll struggle so much to not worry I'll do more damage.

 

I recently got an iPhone as an early christmas present so we can Skype and stuff when we like, but now it's a curse knowing I can talk to her when I need to keep distance, but it's hard when I seem to be making the distance now when she's tried to talk to me. She's at a friends now but I'd love to call her later, I just don't know what I'd say. Last time we had issues I let her have some space to think, but we both knew that's what it was, I told her that was what I was doing and it helped her, right now I don't think either of us know if we're coming or going.