What do I do?

[veggirl]

The last letter i can understand, but the fb request after he deleted you? You guys aren't friends, you broke up. That and the drunk texting just all seems dramatic. And he sounds like an as.s

[EnigmaticClarity]

Woke up this morning and texted him and received an immediate response. 1) I am not being understanding of his "situation" (meaning he can cancel dates at the last minute because he's depressed or something? Idk I've met his son, no reason I couldn't have come over to the house if he didn't have a sitter)

 

Nobody's going to be understanding of him standing them up. I would have asked him exactly that--who does he really think WILL put up with **** like that? If he thinks there's some completely selfless person out there who will magically forgive him for that kind of behavior, he's wrong. As others have said, it sounds like he's not ready to be in a relationship if he's expecting you to overlook rude behavior on his part.

 

Only thing I'd have done differently is to make all of that explicitly clear prior to breaking up--but maybe you've already done that, can't tell for sure since you just generally summarized what you said to him as "emotional" without giving specifics.

[EnigmaticClarity]

The last letter i can understand, but the fb request after he deleted you? You guys aren't friends, you broke up.

 

Most people agree with you, but I only understand that in the case of there being bad blood. I always try to clear up bad blood prior to a breakup and prefer to remain friends with my exes. However, in this case, I do agree with you--the OP decided to end things with the bad blood still festering. I'd probably unfriend her too.

[makelemonade1974]

Gheesh - everyone's loving to throw this "drama" thing around. It's drama to explain myself and then offer friendship? You can't be friends with exes? Pshaw. I hate having bad blood. I've had sex with this guy. I could certainly be his friend. We've shared intimate things.

 

And I explained in the letter that I would be his friend - facebook or otherwise lol and that I wished him well. He's just depressed and not ready for a relationship. I did it via text because he wouldn't answer the phone. And I couldn't sleep until it was resolved. It was worrying me terribly.

 

@enigmatic - "emotional" in that I would send three long messages in a row about how the situation was making me "feel" - disrespected, I wanted honesty from him, blah blah blah. Then he would text back once and I would send three more. Stuff like that. I'd elaborate more, but I was so humiliated when I read them the next day that I deleted all of them. I just basically acted stupid and dramatic. I'd had a ton of shots and my girlfriend was with me egging me on - "he shouldn't treat you like that, etc." It was a stupid mess and immature of me. Lesson learned.

 

@Easy - I like him in that he smells good, looks good, has a similar sense of humor, is a great lover, and I have fun with him. I don't like the fact that he flakes out, calls three hours before a date and expects me to drop everything and go out with him, asks me to "drop by and visit" late at night (booty call), doesn't text the day after sex to say "I had fun" or some such thing (I think that's just polite), tells me, when I bring up the fact that a "booty call" situation is unacceptable, that I'm being "dramatic." Men use this "drama" word to describe when a woman is emotional, which is stupid. We have emotions. They need to just deal with it.

 

Okay, I'm done ranting. Sorry. Ya'll are great though - some fabulous advice here. I feel empowered generally and I think I made a good decision.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Men use this "drama" word to describe when a woman is emotional, which is stupid. We have emotions. They need to just deal with it.

 

EVERYONE has emotions, so your statement here sounds understated--although I don't know how understated it is since you couldn't remember what you said to him. If by "emotions" you mean "irrational and biased ranting," then oh my lord NO, we don't have to just deal with it. My ex used to think along these lines, but every time she'd express her "emotions," she was pushing me further and further away.

 

My current girlfriend has been asking me to move in with her, but I recently told me there's no possible way I could do that because of the irrational way she expresses herself when she's upset about something minor that she blows up into what I would also consider drama. Every time she does it--which has been about every 1 to 3 weeks--she keeps pushing me further and further away. Her initial reaction was somewhat like yours--that her irrational blow-ups are my problem and I just need to deal with it. I just kind of laughed and said, "uhhh, NO. WTF? I don't think so." I was surprised she would actually think her inability to communicate clearly and calmly about what should be relatively minor issues is my freaking problem.

 

But having said all that, hopefully you're not the irrational type. Both of my last two girlfriends have been, yet both THINK they're calm, rational great communicators--except when they're not, and you know, that's just a ONE time exception sort of thing (that happens over and over and over and over ).

[makelemonade1974]

@enigmatic - I do think there is a disconnect between how men and women communicate emotionally. Thus, we have this phrase "emotionally unavailable" and ya'll have this phrase "drama." For women, if we feel strongly about something, expressing ourselves emotionally is not going to be particularly stoic, although it shouldn't involve ranting, crying, yelling, name-calling etc. What I did in those drunk texts was "drama." Asking him to change his behavior or calling him on his bad behavior was not "drama." Neither, IMO was attempting to be facebook friends "drama." Heck, quite a few of the people on my friends list I haven't seen in 15 years.

 

But anyway . . . onwards and upwards.

[EnigmaticClarity]

@enigmatic - I do think there is a disconnect between how men and women communicate emotionally. Thus, we have this phrase "emotionally unavailable" and ya'll have this phrase "drama." For women, if we feel strongly about something, expressing ourselves emotionally is not going to be particularly stoic, although it shouldn't involve ranting, crying, yelling, name-calling etc.

 

I would describe my current girlfriend's communication about her issues as being somewhere short of ranting/crying/name-calling, but definitely nowhere near "stoic," so it sounds like I might accuse you of "drama" as well. The main reason I don't get all that upset over my own concerns is that I understand that any one person's opinion--my own particularly--is often biased and based upon incomplete info. Why get all pissed about something you may be wrong about? Communicate openly, then if the person won't change or can't see how what you're complaining about is a problem after you've genuinely considered their point of view, THEN get pissed and worried that things won't work between you. Why skirt past the working-it-out phase and motor straight ahead to the pissed phase?

 

Yes, I have found most women are like that, they react emotionally (i.e. get pissed off) first, then listen to reason second. But they're not all like that, luckily I know that to be true, so I don't feel it's something I just have to put up with. I've told my girlfriend I just can't respect someone who is constantly (i.e. every week or three) getting upset before attempting communication, and she appears to be reacting well to it and is trying to communicate right away BEFORE getting pissed.

 

Having said that, my ex tried this as well, and it turned out that for the last 4-5 months of our relationship when things seemed much better, it turned out they weren't. Turned out she wasn't communicating openly as I had hoped-- she was harboring more and more resentment that she felt she couldn't communicate because she was afraid she'd keep pushing me away. Wonderful. I'm afraid the same thing will happen this time as well, but I guess we'll see.

[makelemonade1974]

Oh, I totally agree that communication is impossible when you are angry. I do think early on in life women are hard-wired to be emotional, while men are taught to be stoic and hold in their feelings. There are a lot of hormonal factors involved as well.

 

The thing is - and I blame this for the failure of this most recent thing - is that we are afraid of face to face communication. It's easier to text, email, telephone, then it is to sit down and have a talk about your "relationship." In fact, that latter would send most guys I know running for the hills. Most straight men don't really like to talk about their feelings IMO. It's not that they don't have them, it's just they don't know how to communicate them, whereas women are taught to communicate them quite effusively (i.e. crying, getting angry, etc.). I think it's okay to be "emotional" (and some women are more emotional than others, of course), but when such emotional displays are designed to manipulate, that crosses the line into drama. And there is never an excuse for insulting, name-calling etc.

 

Maybe I'm dating the wrong men, but I feel like the only emotion a lot of guys are completely in touch with is aggression and anger. Maybe it's an alpha thing (and I do tend to prefer arrogant men), but anger seems to be the reaction to any sort of unhappiness expressed by a female partner. And I think it has to do with criticism - a woman says "I feel like you don't respect me because you did this" - a man hears "you suck." Then of course she is crazy, because how could he be wrong???

 

But again, that's just my experience with alpha guys. There are a lot of men out there that are much more sensitive. Unfortunately, I'm not particularly attracted to those men. And therein lies the problem.

[EasyHeart]

@Easy - I like him in that he smells good, looks good, has a similar sense of humor, is a great lover, and I have fun with him. I don't like the fact that he flakes out, calls three hours before a date and expects me to drop everything and go out with him, asks me to "drop by and visit" late at night (booty call), doesn't text the day after sex to say "I had fun" or some such thing (I think that's just polite), tells me, when I bring up the fact that a "booty call" situation is unacceptable, that I'm being "dramatic." Men use this "drama" word to describe when a woman is emotional, which is stupid. We have emotions. They need to just deal with it.

That's exactly my point. You don't like him. You like a guy who doesn't do all those negative things, but that guy doesn't exist. (I never said anything about 'drama', so I'm assuming that part of your post isn't directed at me).

 

Most straight men don't really like to talk about their feelings IMO. It's not that they don't have them, it's just they don't know how to communicate them, whereas women are taught to communicate them quite effusively (i.e. crying, getting angry, etc.).

Meh. I'm just as emotional as any woman I've ever dated, and lots and lots (and lots) of women don't know how to express their emotions. They especially don't know how to express them in positive and constructive ways. (Hint: crying and getting angry are not positive ways to express emotions).

 

Maybe I'm dating the wrong men,

Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!!!

 

I feel like the only emotion a lot of guys are completely in touch with is aggression and anger. Maybe it's an alpha thing (and I do tend to prefer arrogant men), but anger seems to be the reaction to any sort of unhappiness expressed by a female partner.

 

[snip]

 

But again, that's just my experience with alpha guys. There are a lot of men out there that are much more sensitive. Unfortunately, I'm not particularly attracted to those men. And therein lies the problem.

Those aren't alpha males. There's a huge difference between arrogance and confidence. Confident people aren't aggressive and they don't assert themselves through anger. You are mistaking arrogance that's used to cover up insecurities and immaturity with the confidence that comes from being a grownup.

[snug.bunny]

Yes, I have found most women are like that, they react emotionally (i.e. get pissed off) first, then listen to reason second. But they're not all like that, luckily I know that to be true, so I don't feel it's something I just have to put up with. I've told my girlfriend I just can't respect someone who is constantly (i.e. every week or three) getting upset before attempting communication, and she appears to be reacting well to it and is trying to communicate right away BEFORE getting pissed.

 

Yes but that's a bit different from what happened here.

 

He wasn't respectful of her time, she was upset by it, and his response to her being upset was demonstrated in a "I didn't show up, so what, get over it" fashion. Which probably fueled her even more... Had he been a bit more empathetic in considering that her time is equally valuable, she most likely wouldn't have been as upset. I'm guessing this is also a rather new relationship, so things like this can make or break things a lot easier. Not following through on something, putting her down, and then ignoring her, is not the way to go.

 

It's the same mentality as those who are constantly late. It's careless and at times, selfish, and puts the other person in an unfavorable position. Sometimes you have to just learn to be tolerant towards the person who is always late, but, it can be very frustrating.

 

Whatever the case may be, it is evident that they are not well matched.

 

She appears to be expressive emotionally in general so she is probably better suited with someone who can de-escalate as to avoid creating fuel when there is a fire.

[lululucy]

On the whole "women are irrational, dramatic" etc --

 

http://www.imboycrazy.com/2011/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-crazy-by-yashar-ali/

 

I found that article to be particularly interesting.