makelemonade1974 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 (edited) I have this problem with getting drunk and texting my SO. I've done it twice now. Last night our plans fell through (meaning I'm sitting at the bar waiting for him and he decides to stay in and spend time with his son - after we had plans all week and I had gotten a babysitter to go out). I was disappointed and upset. I ended up doing shots with some friends and using my cell. I didn't say anything rude, I just said a LOT. Very emotional stuff - blah blah blah (this is what I usually do - emotional). Asked to come over late night - he said no. Woke up this morning and texted him and received an immediate response. 1) I am not being understanding of his "situation" (meaning he can cancel dates at the last minute because he's depressed or something? Idk I've met his son, no reason I couldn't have come over to the house if he didn't have a sitter); 2) I am "exhausting"; 3) If he bothers me so much I should move on; and 4) I should call him rather than text because he hates texting but I shouldn't call right that minute because he doesn't want the "drama." (No offense, but that word gets my blood boiling) I responded that he should consider my situation because I got a babysitter and then waited for him and he never showed. Then I told him that it seems to me he finds life exhausting generally (he does, he's depressed). And then I got really nasty and said I could move on in about 30 seconds if that's what he wanted. His response was that he didn't want to argue. Have I screwed this up royally? Is there absolutely no way to make him see this from my point of view? I was looking forward to seeing him and he basically stood me up. Sometimes people get drunk and do stupid phone stuff - that doesn't make me someone who causes "drama." Should I just dump him because he's so flaky? I really like him. I mean - what the heck do I do now? I was thinking I'd wait until later tonight and then give him a call. But I don't feel like I can call or text without being completely obnoxious. Should I just wait for him to come to me? Christmas is in just a few days and he's leaving the day after for a week. Edited December 18, 2011 by makelemonade1974
lululucy Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 I think the fact that he stood you up when you'd gone out of your way to get a sitter for your child(ren) is the real problem, not the fact that you texted him. It is incredibly rude of him to not even acknowledge the fact that he put you out by having you make arrangements and then not coming. He is not being understanding of your situation either. When he isn't having bouts of depression (I assume that's what he meant by his situation?), is he a good SO? Is he the kind of person you want around your kids for the long haul? If it were me, I would probably cut the ties now before any children got too attached to a tumultuous relationship that wasn't making me happy entirely either.
daphne Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 lemonade, I think there are two things here. First, he sounds pretty selfish to leave you there and expect you to not get your feathers ruffled. Has he pretty much been checking out on you previously, and thought you would be ok with it? I would reevaluate the relationship and consider what you really want. Secondly, it was immature to drunk text him when you were angry. I had a gf that did this, and it really got her nowhere. It pushed away every guy I've seen her get serious about. Rather, wait til you're not angry anymore and NOT drunk and have a calm discussion about how he was inconsiderate. Guys don't take over the top drama well, and often use it to turn things around on you for something they started. So make it easier on yourself and him and stop doing it. If you can't talk to him now without boiling over in anger, don't talk to him. You are going to make it worse. I can understand from his view point that he hates arguing. I find it exhausting too. If you want to have a guy listen to what you need, you need to learn to express yourself it in a rational manner. It will get you so much further than going over the top. And save your nerves too. Hope you feel better.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted December 18, 2011 Author Posted December 18, 2011 Thanks you guys. I am really upset about it but not "boiling over" in anger. I'm always kind to him. I don't think lashing out when you're upset is a good idea - that's why I'm so freaking remorseful over the "I can be over you in 30 seconds if that's what you want." I'm just so bummed that this has to happen right before Christmas, particularly with him leaving and all. Another side of me agrees with your second point Daphne, maybe I should just cut ties now. I just really like him and it would be so hard. I just don't think we communicate well - particularly because I feel like i have to tiptoe around him because he's grieving and not ask for anything for myself - otherwise I'm being demanding and causing "drama." Maybe he's just not ready for a relationship yet. I do need to cut out the drunk texting. That's for sure. I may give a call later tonight. I'm more afraid I'll cry than get angry.
Imajerk17 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Honestly? I don't think the two of you are compatible. And this was before the drunk texting (stop that). Example: He canceling last minute after you went a got a sitter was extremely rude. If his definition of "unreasonable" or "difficult" or "exhausting" is not being OK with that, then well, that's crazy.
chryssy83 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 So I have this theory....guys always say that women act crazy all the time. We send drunk/angry texts, we overreact when they have to change plans, etc. So my theory is, a lot of the time when we do that, it's because they DROVE US CRAZY by acting like a-holes and being emotionally abusive/manipulative. That's what I think about your friend here. Stop with the drunk-texting. Delete his number from your phone. Then stop with the sober-texting. You can find a guy who is excited to spend time with you and won't leave you sitting alone at a bar because of his "situation." A nice guy would call you to apologize and re-schedule if something actually came up. This guy is a jerk.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Ithink you're settling. Personally, I would not get involved with a depressed persson because they live off of using their illnesses as an excuae. And before someone decide tojump down my throat for discrimination, I fought depression myself and I can tell you we can be incredibly selfish. If he was acting on his ' depresion' when he cancelled, he waz really inconsiderate. And since he has done it once, he will most likely do it again given it literaly has become his way or the highway. Honestly if he is depressed let him get help.but you shouldn't stick around for a guy who hides behind his illness.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted December 18, 2011 Author Posted December 18, 2011 So how do you break up with someone you like? I mean, I really like him. I've only ever left people that I don't like anymore. any ideas?
cdm369 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 He has shown severe lack of consideration for you and your feelings. I am of the belief that if someone really cares for you the consideration is there. You should have been upset because he stood you up. Agree with everyone on the texting.
cdm369 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Give him the truth...explain that you really like him but due to the lack of respect and consideration he has shown is not going to work for you...it is what it is
chryssy83 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Give him the truth...explain that you really like him but due to the lack of respect and consideration he has shown is not going to work for you...it is what it is Ditto the above. I think you have compatibility issues...if this is how he treats a girl he's into, then it isn't going to work for you. And if he's not into you, then you're both better off this way. I will respect the heck out of you when you stand up for yourself and your feelings and end it. You will find someone else who is better for you!
lululucy Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 So how do you break up with someone you like? I mean, I really like him. I've only ever left people that I don't like anymore. any ideas? I'm not going to lie -- it is so freaking hard. I broke up with my ex nearly a year ago and I was still completely in love with him, I just knew we wouldn't work out in a healthy way until we both grew up. I had to finish school and discover what I wanted, he had to stop mooching off myself and my family and be a grown-up. If you look back at the threads I started around a year ago, they are miserable. I went through phases of complete regret and "I am never going to find another guy" to epiphanies when I would go out with someone and they would treat me with the respect I wanted. It isn't easy to hurt someone you care about. But think of it this way: it'll pave the way to both of you finding a relationship with other people that better fits who you are. I would just try to invite him over or invite yourself over for coffee and sit down to talk about it. Be honest, be thorough and don't leave any hints of "we could make it work" because he (and you) can get stuck on those kind of thing. Let us know how it goes! You're going to feel so much better and like chryssy said, I'll respect the hell out of you. And I think you'll respect the hell out of yourself too.
daphne Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 So how do you break up with someone you like? I mean, I really like him. I've only ever left people that I don't like anymore. any ideas? When you can talk to him without getting overly emotional, you need to tell him how you feel. Without being manipulative, or pulling out everythiing from the past. I would apologize for the texting and take responsibility for your bad behavior, then get around to the point. He was inconsiderate. It was selfish of him to stand you up. But you'll have to state it as fact without blame and let him know that you didn't appreciate it and made you feel xyz. Listen to how he responds. If he excuses it by turning it back around on you, you need to hear him out then put the responsibility for his behavior back on him even if it means paraphrasing what you already said. It's not unreasonable to be hurt and insulted to being stood up. It is unreasonable for him to expect you to buck it up and take it without even really apologizing. If you can't figure out a way to resolve it, then you may just have to bite the bullet and let him know that you don't think you're compatible. If you can do this in a non pushy, rational way, he may respond better and own his mistakes. If he can't, I think he's not good for a relationship period. There are other men. Don't tie yourself down to one who isn't treating you well just cos there's nothing else in sight.
daphne Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 I'm not going to lie -- it is so freaking hard. I broke up with my ex nearly a year ago and I was still completely in love with him, I just knew we wouldn't work out in a healthy way until we both grew up. I had to finish school and discover what I wanted, he had to stop mooching off myself and my family and be a grown-up. If you look back at the threads I started around a year ago, they are miserable. I went through phases of complete regret and "I am never going to find another guy" to epiphanies when I would go out with someone and they would treat me with the respect I wanted. It isn't easy to hurt someone you care about. But think of it this way: it'll pave the way to both of you finding a relationship with other people that better fits who you are. I would just try to invite him over or invite yourself over for coffee and sit down to talk about it. Be honest, be thorough and don't leave any hints of "we could make it work" because he (and you) can get stuck on those kind of thing. Let us know how it goes! You're going to feel so much better and like chryssy said, I'll respect the hell out of you. And I think you'll respect the hell out of yourself too. Good post. I agree with everything here. And another point is, there will always be someone else. Life isn't like the romcoms, there are a number of people you could love. If you put yourself out there and meet a lot of people, eventually you'll find someone who is more compatible and hopefully in a better place to have a relationship. There is no dearth of decent single men.
dasein Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Someone who is so inconsiderate as to break a date the day of on a whim when you have gone out of your way to get a babysitter is not a good bet. His later reactions to you were also cold and unwarranted. No one who gives you "move on if you don't like it" ultimatums is going to make a quality partner for you. In your shoes, based on his behavior last night, I'd call him and break up on the phone. Keep it short and along the lines of "this relationship isn't working for me, and I am going to take your advice and move on. Take care." and done.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 Well, I did it. Had to via text message because he wouldn't answer the phone for ciol. Like he has some almighty right to be angry because of some drunk texts. Made it clear the behavior last night was unacceptable. Deleted all contact. Should I unfriend him on facebook too? I don't want any ill will - but I want to make it clear to him that he's out of my life for good.
daphne Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Should I unfriend him on facebook too? I don't want any ill will - but I want to make it clear to him that he's out of my life for good. If you know he's out of your life for good, I don't think you need to delete him off of fb to show him. I think the motive is more to spite him and goad a reaction. This is more of the same behavior from last night. If you are serious about not wanting him in your life, you don't have to "show" him anything. You just move on. Only delete him if you think he'll play games to hurt you, or if you'll obsess over what he's doing online. It will burn an unnecessary bridge otherwise, and I don't think you really want this to be over yet.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 Yeah, I agree Daphne, there's no reason to unfriend him. I don't want to burn bridges, you are right. But I can't have that kind of thing and I don't see him changing anytime soon. From my experience (and I tend to date the wrong kind of guy) men don't like it when you tell them they did something wrong, so he's most likely pissed. I'm a bit worried he'll unfriend ME lol. Anyway - I do appreciate the advice - and the encouragement. I think I did the right thing. I've made excuses for him for too long. Sucks that it's right before Christmas though . . .
daphne Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Yeah, I agree Daphne, there's no reason to unfriend him. I don't want to burn bridges, you are right. But I can't have that kind of thing and I don't see him changing anytime soon. From my experience (and I tend to date the wrong kind of guy) men don't like it when you tell them they did something wrong, so he's most likely pissed. I'm a bit worried he'll unfriend ME lol. Anyway - I do appreciate the advice - and the encouragement. I think I did the right thing. I've made excuses for him for too long. Sucks that it's right before Christmas though . . . I can totally relate to the Xmas thing. Try to make the most of it and be grateful for your kids and the good things you've got in your life. You can't change him. You can only behave in a way that communicates your needs, maintains your dignity, and gives a guy the opportunity to relate to you in a healthy way. But sometimes, you have to be the one initiating that behavior. Otherwise, there's a series of misfires and over reactions that is a hard habit to break and can spiral into what you're dealing with now. If you want to be a part of the healthier way, you have to disengage from the game playing. Easier said than done, but know your objective. If he unfriends you, it'll sting but it won't change that you're not getting along now. I wouldn't react at all if he does. Anyone that tries to provoke a reaction, is generally disappointed when they get none. Then they have to put on their big boy (or girl) pants and act like an adult.
snug.bunny Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 I have this problem with getting drunk and texting my SO. I've done it twice now. Last night our plans fell through (meaning I'm sitting at the bar waiting for him and he decides to stay in and spend time with his son - after we had plans all week and I had gotten a babysitter to go out). I was disappointed and upset. I ended up doing shots with some friends and using my cell. I didn't say anything rude, I just said a LOT. Very emotional stuff - blah blah blah (this is what I usually do - emotional). Asked to come over late night - he said no. I know you broke things off with him already, but I'm just curious... Did he reach out to you to tell you he couldn't make it? If he didn't, then yeah, I can see why you'd be so upset because then he did kind of stand you up. But, if he reached out to tell you that he wouldn't be coming after all because he wanted to spend time with his son, well, that's his son and a legitimate reason to cancel. I think cancelling last minute, though, does show a lack of respect towards your time, and is rude. Is it worth breaking up over? Perhaps. I guess that is where you have to decide whether or not it is a deal breaker, and, it seems it was for you. I've said some pretty emotionally charged things myself, I don't think there is a woman alive who hasn't, so try not to beat yourself up over it. Do however, try to explore other ways to verbally articulate it. Maybe it would be helpful to lesson the emotionally charged response, and instead, a plain statement along the lines of "I wish you would have given more notice, I'm disappointed you didn't, have a good night". And then end the conversation. Saying "I can be over you in 30 seconds if that's what you want" was a knee jerk reaction and communicates he is "unworthy", which is what you most likely felt in response to the last minute cancellation/him choosing not to spend time with you. Try to enjoy the Holidays and time with your family, and just let this boil over on its own.
oaks Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Should I unfriend him on facebook too? I don't want any ill will - but I want to make it clear to him that he's out of my life for good. Are you going to continue to be 'friends' (even in a Facebook context) with him? Are you going to be interested in seeing updates on Facebook about what he's doing? Do you mind that he'll see updates about what you're doing? That includes, in the future, either of you having a relationship with someone else. Don't delete him for the reason you said, but if you really want no contact with him then what's the point in remaining 'friends'? No need to rush to make a decision, though.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 Well, I felt a little bad about breaking it off via text message, so I wrote a letter this morning. I don't like sending things through his work email, so I logged onto facebook to send it and guess what? I've been unfriended. Gheesh - it's more amusing than anything. Somebody is pissed off . . . Anyway, I sent the letter - he hasn't "blocked" me, so we can still communicate. I also sent a "friend request" as my letter attempted to end things in a positive light. I mean, there's no reason to be ugly about it. @oaks - He doesn't use facebook much, we've dated a short period of time, and I don't see how he would be upset about what I do on facebook, as I don't post my relationship status or pictures of anyone other than my family and close friends. I did post on a male friend's wall the yesterday, so if he woke up to that, maybe that's what set him off. That said, he never seemed the jealous type before. God forbid someone should admit they did something wrong. I apologized for my part at least. This sort of thing just proves I did the right thing here.
SingleinSouth Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 You ended it and then sent a letter and he unfriended you and you sent a friend request to him? Oh wow. I don't even know what to say! Did you think that after he unfriended you that he couldn't reconsider and send you a friend request? It seems drama-ish for sure. I know breakups can be really painful and sometimes it's not what you wanted to do but you really need to stick to this one. He sounds like he is at a different place in life than you are right now and isn't too interested in having a relationship. Just move on. There ARE other guys.
oaks Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Well, I felt a little bad about breaking it off via text message, so I wrote a letter this morning. I don't like sending things through his work email, so I logged onto facebook to send it and guess what? I've been unfriended. Gheesh - it's more amusing than anything. Somebody is pissed off . . . Maybe he is pissed off. You did dump him via text, after all, and that isn't the sort of thing that generally makes a guy's day! Or, maybe he just doesn't see the point in continuing to have you in his facebook friends now that you're not his gf.
EasyHeart Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 So how do you break up with someone you like? I mean, I really like him. I've only ever left people that I don't like anymore. I'm late to the party, so most people have already given you some good advice. I'll just add this very important point: You don't like him. If you liked him, you'd be happy and not posting on LoveShack. The person you "like" is a fantasy-man you've created in your imagination that has all of this guy's good characteristics and none of the bad ones. That guy isn't real. The real guy is the one that stood you up and makes you unhappy. Why would you even think twice about dumping a guy who makes you unhappy? A lot of times, we drive ourselves nuts wanting people to be the people we imagine them to be instead of seeing who they really are.
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