PoppyLove89 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 When the dumper says they are 'confused' following a break-up and that they aren't convinced if they've made the right decision yet, their mind is made up but they're just testing the waters to make sure they've made the right decision in leaving the relationship, right? Though my boyfriend dumped on the spur of the moment, mid-heated argument after I implied I was going to end things first, he continued to give me this "I don't know" crap for two weeks until I went NC. I haven't heard from him since I deleted him off Facebook. We were together for a year and I'm starting to think I didn't mean a thing to him. I bet he doesn't even miss me. We bumped into each other for the first time post-BU last Saturday night (after a month) and we had a little chat (just general things, "who you out with?" "how you been?" etc). We hugged too and he squeezed me really hard before we ended up holding hands while talking. Then his friends whisked him away without saying bye and he spent the rest of the night looking over, waiting for me to come running I guess but I danced with my friends and made it look as though I couldn't be happier, he then made a point of walking through our group to get to the bathroom despite the fact that he could easily have walked around us! (Trying to get a reaction?) He's turned into such an idiot post-BU, going out getting wasted all the time, side-lining his job, avoiding his family and generally turning into a teenager again. His friends are 3 years younger than he is, he'll be 24 in Feb while they've only just turned 20/21. My ex is in the army and we were pretty serious (living fast) talking about moving in/marriage after his tour in 2013, my guess is seeing his friends' carefree existence has made him run for the hills, it was all a bit too grown-up for him. I should probably also state that during our year together we pretty much had our own little bubble, he'd be away on camp all week and come home at weekends to see me and his family/friends but never all together and he never really went on nights out since he felt alcohol affected his work. Why do some people shut off to emotion completely? If he let himself feel his feelings, I guarantee none of this would have happened. He hates showing emotion and is very much a "mind over matter" guy, always has been.
BoredAgain Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 No, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that your Ex's mind is made up. I mean, he's clearly testing the waters, but he's probably doing it because he doesn't know what he wants. I think there's some interesting psychology going on with the dumper in breakups like yours. I think there's a tendency for the dumper to try to convince himself/herself that they made the correct decision, but their actions clearly betray an element of uncertainty and confusion. Unfortunately, there's really nothing you can do about it. He has to figure out what he wants for himself, and you can't wait around for that. Count yourself lucky, though... even if you guys go your separate ways, you have nothing to regret. The decision to break-up was his, there was nothing you can do about it. He, however, has to live with the question, "What if I had tried to work things out...?" And if he's unsure after less than two months, there's a good chance that it's something that will haunt him for years to come.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 (edited) Ive been i your exes situation, and Im pretty sure he has his mind made up. Once you lose that attraction to a person, its hard to get it back when you try to force it. Whatever you did to turn him off to you, he might be battling that, which is why he still says "i dont know". I dont know might mean he wants to be attracted to you again, but he cant, at least not now. He was looking at you have fun at the party because he doesnt want you to move on before he does, but he doesnt really want to go back to you. He shut himself off because you did something to make him lose his attraction, so there were no feelings for him to let feel. So right now, he probably doesnt miss you. You need to cut him off completely, maybe in a month or so, while he isnt hearing from you he might miss you, but dont count on it. Edited December 19, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
Author PoppyLove89 Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 Okay, Eddie I figure I should explain a few things here since you seem to think this was something that developed over time. My ex and I were closer than ever over the summer when he was back on leave. We celebrated our one year anniversary only 3 weeks before our split and he gave me a Tiffany's ring with a note attached "because I want you to know that even when we are apart, a part of me is always with you." - he is in the army and away 5 days a week. He didn't lose the attraction and he is still in love with me, he has told myself and his sister this. We argued a lot during the last three weeks of our relationship because the pressure of his job was pushing us apart - he is due to be deployed to Afghanistan soon and he's unsurprisingly starting to get the jitters. He told his best-friend, "I'd rather see her move on now than hurt her by not coming back." (from Afghan). This break-up wasn't caused by us falling out of love, only four days before the split he was suggesting we ring an estate agent to set up a viewing for our first flat together...I'm not in denial. I know he's gone and I'm not holding out for a reconciliation - he's a very stubborn and "mind over matter" person.
Author PoppyLove89 Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 BoredAgain, thank you for your input - I think my ex is going through some stuff anyway what with his job and all. Only the day after we split he text me saying this, "I think I am actually emotionally depressed." I suggested he speak to a padre in the army since it's not exactly a job you can risk feeling depressed in. The realisation is setting in for him that he's about to be deployed and he's acting out about it. He said to me on more than one occasion while we were together "I hate that my job hurts you. I don't want to hurt you anymore" and all those closest to him have told me this was his easy way out (blaming the arguments) because he couldn't bare the thought of hurting me by not coming back alive. I even asked him, "Be honest, are you relieved it's over?" And he replied, "No, of course I'm not because I love you. This isn't a joke to me, I'm just confused. I'm sorry." When I saw him on Saturday, his reaction was the same as mine, you know when you get that stomach drop? He had a bottle halfway up to his mouth and then he dropped it down to his side. When you know someone intimately you know how they're feeling just by looking in their eyes and I could tell he was upset/hurt/pissed off/lost - he didn't look happy at all, even before he spotted me. He didn't even try and pretend to be having a good time. At the end of the day, with or without him, I just want him to be safe and happy. He knows that if he ever truly needed me, I'd be foolish enough to be there even after he gave me the cold shoulder.
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