Empty Life - Cultural opression

[Hi Powered]

I am doing well in my career but after a string of first dates only, I feel like the only thing I have is work.

 

I am feeling very depressed. It is partly because of the festive season and partly because I am being culturally abused. I come from the asian culture and have survived as an independent woman for a while. I am in my mid thirties and although I have a lifetime of this treatment it is really affecting me now.

 

Examples of abuse from family and community members include:

 

1) Why are you not married? Look at those 10 years younger then you getting married, why are you being so fussy (usually said in the presence of others loudly and accusingly at every single social function)

 

2) You have had so many offers like (x) and (y), why couldnt you accept them? (x and y being total losers who did not want to know and were equally being forced my family to attend these fixed dates).

 

3) I am old and ill - why don't you just get off my hands? (from parents who see me as a burden, although I am regarded as a high flyer by others).

 

The constant resentment and digs is nothing new to many asian women my age and younger. It happens within most asian families regardless of class and wealth. There is an expectation that you get married full stop. If you do not fulfill that you are outcast and bullied into submission.Marriage is a validation stamp I have not achieved.

 

I have recently gotten ill because of all this. It is affecting my work. The family do not let up.

 

The offers I have had are either insolvent or physically ugly or liars. This is all irrelevent because I am supposed to accept all this in the name of marriage.

 

I have really tried to find someone myself but because they have constantly ground me down, I appear depressed and men see that.

 

I need advice as to how to get married. I have tried to survive alone but now I am tired of the fight. I have no fight left. I want a marriage of convienience, but how do I address this?

[FitChick]

Is there a successful, handsome gay Chinese guy who needs a "beard" and who is getting the same treatment from his own family? Advertise.

 

There is a wonderful Ang Lee film with a similar theme and I suggest you watch it. The Wedding Banquet.

 

Otherwise, I suggest you break away from your family. Move across the country if you have to. They are toxic to you.

[Hi Powered]

Is there a successful, handsome gay Chinese guy who needs a "beard" and who is getting the same treatment from his own family? Advertise.

 

There is a wonderful Ang Lee film with a similar theme and I suggest you watch it. The Wedding Banquet.

 

Otherwise, I suggest you break away from your family. Move across the country if you have to. They are toxic to you.

 

Thanks but where? Dating sites attract so many wierdos as it is. Also - asian as in indian.

[FitChick]

I've never understood why British Indians called themselves Asian. You must be in the UK then. Here in the US we call you Indian. Our own Indians are called Native Americans now. Who can keep up with all this political correctness?

 

Watch the film anyway and see if it's something you'd be comfortable doing. Marrying and living with a gay guy for a short period might be fun. He'll fix your hair and makeup and pick out your clothes for you. Seriously, it might be a way to shut those relatives up. When you divorce you could say, "I was shocked when he came out of the closet! I'm so traumatized I will never marry again!"

 

Avoid your family. You don't need them. I'm sure there are other female Indians in your situation whom you could hang out with and commiserate with.

[Pizzaman81]

Don't get pressured and depressed because of your family's requirements. I know it can be hard, but you have to really think of yourself and what YOU want.

 

Obviously sharing certain values with the person you like is important... but don't like the constant pressure depress you.

 

I am very lucky in the fact that my parents don't really care who I go out with as long as the person and I get along and there's no huge red flags. No pressure. Are you a girl?

 

Best of luck out there!

 

-Fellow Asian (Non Indian)

[Hi Powered]

It has started again. A rare proposal has come. He is male and he cannot talk/speak for himelf as his mum over powers him. I do not want this kind of man and i do not want to live with his family. The whole situation goes against every principal i have.

 

They cancelled a meeting once, and now my parents have forced them to come this weekend. My parents both became very hostile when I siad I do not want to meet him, they tried begging me again and then the insults.

 

I have realized that I cannot have a normal life. My life is not my own, they own me.

 

I am feeling ill from stress and pressure.

 

If the mother likes me - I will have no way of avoiding the marriage.

 

Yes - I can run away and tell the cops but I know that I cannot do that (community stress/honour cr-p that will kill off my ill parents).

 

H e l p...

[Wolf18]

Ha, Indian culture is like the mirror image of Western culture. In India, the man has it good, this guy I went to elementary school with was Indian, last time I saw him he was pudgy, about 5'5, and picked his nose Then I met the woman he married a few months ago, through his and her parents of course, she looks like a Bollywood star ha ha ha. I can certainly sympathize with the OP , but then again i'm living the reverse in the culture she chooses to align herself with, so I retract that sympathy

 

I say, follow your tradition. Things are the way they are for a reason, are you going to listen to thousands of years of wisdom passed down from one of the longest running civilizations in history, or 1960's feminism invented to destroy the Western family? I wish I had a choice, but my ancestors sold away western traditions for hedonism a long, long time ago.

[Dust]

I've never understood why British Indians called themselves Asian. You must be in the UK then. Here in the US we call you Indian. Our own Indians are called Native Americans now. Who can keep up with all this political correctness?

 

Watch the film anyway and see if it's something you'd be comfortable doing. Marrying and living with a gay guy for a short period might be fun. He'll fix your hair and makeup and pick out your clothes for you. Seriously, it might be a way to shut those relatives up. When you divorce you could say, "I was shocked when he came out of the closet! I'm so traumatized I will never marry again!"

 

Avoid your family. You don't need them. I'm sure there are other female Indians in your situation whom you could hang out with and commiserate with.

 

They like being called Indians not Native Americans. At least thats what I've heard.

 

It has started again. A rare proposal has come. He is male and he cannot talk/speak for himelf as his mum over powers him. I do not want this kind of man and i do not want to live with his family. The whole situation goes against every principal i have.

 

They cancelled a meeting once, and now my parents have forced them to come this weekend. My parents both became very hostile when I siad I do not want to meet him, they tried begging me again and then the insults.

 

I have realized that I cannot have a normal life. My life is not my own, they own me.

 

I am feeling ill from stress and pressure.

 

If the mother likes me - I will have no way of avoiding the marriage.

 

Yes - I can run away and tell the cops but I know that I cannot do that (community stress/honour cr-p that will kill off my ill parents).

 

H e l p...

 

My family can be the same way with different things. Like I seriously though they were going to have heart attacks when I didn't work the job they wanted me to work.

 

But I'm a grown man and I simply feel sorry for them if they are going to be like that. I don't let it get me down or worry me.

 

You're a grown woman. I would just ignore it and find something to say that will really upset them.

 

Also maybe you could come to the USA. Men here are very different.

[Hi Powered]

Ha, Indian culture is like the mirror image of Western culture. In India, the man has it good, this guy I went to elementary school with was Indian, last time I saw him he was pudgy, about 5'5, and picked his nose Then I met the woman he married a few months ago, through his and her parents of course, she looks like a Bollywood star ha ha ha. I can certainly sympathize with the OP , but then again i'm living the reverse in the culture she chooses to align herself with, so I retract that sympathy

 

I say, follow your tradition. Things are the way they are for a reason, are you going to listen to thousands of years of wisdom passed down from one of the longest running civilizations in history, or 1960's feminism invented to destroy the Western family? I wish I had a choice, but my ancestors sold away western traditions for hedonism a long, long time ago.

 

Are you serious? The bollywood type would have married him for his money and is more then likely having affairs...I have seen that happen 100 times over. Just because things look rosy does not mean they are. On the surface this type of marriage works, dig a little and they are miserable, its an exchange of economic power.

 

This is organized rape. Tradition = bs.

[verhrzn]

Do you still live with your parents? Do they pressure to date/marry exclusively within your culture? (As in, no white boys!)

 

It might be time to break out of the nest. This might cause a lot of friction in the beginning, but you are a successful, grown adult-time to get your own place. If they try to pressure you to meet men, you can simply smile through the phone and say," Oh, sorry, busy, gotta fly!"

 

Your parents are being bullies and trying to control your life. If you have trouble drawing firmer boundaries, you might consider looking into therapy, and finding ways of standing up for yourself. You are a successful woman, and you sound very intelligent-you deserve to live your own life!

[Wolf18]

Are you serious? The bollywood type would have married him for his money and is more then likely having affairs...I have seen that happen 100 times over. Just because things look rosy does not mean they are. On the surface this type of marriage works, dig a little and they are miserable, its an exchange of economic power.[/Quote]

 

 

That's possible, that she married him for his money (he makes...40,000 dollars a year as a door man lol). The affairs part, well something tells me the community wouldn't look upon that too kindly.

 

I don't know where you get the rosy picture of Western style marriages. Guess what? Those are about economic power and riddled with adultery too, regardless of what you see on romantic comedies.

 

This is organized rape. Tradition = bs.

 

You're telling me an almost universal historical concept of marriage is "rape"? You realize this epoch is the exception to the rule, and marriage for "love" has proven to be a catastrophic failure from a social point of view.

 

Do you really want to be one of these new empowered western women who die childless (surrounded by shoes and money) because nobody was ever good enough for them?

 

Regardless, I'm sure your family will explain it all to you. Traditions aren't BS, they are the vehicle of your ethnic spirit. If you want to trade that all for some shoes and a convertible Jaguar, I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree.

[Hi Powered]

That's possible, that she married him for his money (he makes...40,000 dollars a year as a door man lol). The affairs part, well something tells me the community wouldn't look upon that too kindly.

 

I don't know where you get the rosy picture of Western style marriages. Guess what? Those are about economic power and riddled with adultery too, regardless of what you see on romantic comedies.

 

 

 

You're telling me an almost universal historical concept of marriage is "rape"? You realize this epoch is the exception to the rule, and marriage for "love" has proven to be a catastrophic failure from a social point of view.

 

Do you really want to be one of these new empowered western women who die childless (surrounded by shoes and money) because nobody was ever good enough for them?

 

Regardless, I'm sure your family will explain it all to you. Traditions aren't BS, they are the vehicle of your ethnic spirit. If you want to trade that all for some shoes and a convertible Jaguar, I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

I think you have a very misguided view of indian marriages. Affairs happen on a very regular basis. The "fresh of the boat" indians that arrive here to work (usually married) want to fit in, they do not fit in at all, they console themselves with affairs with white women (this gives them that inner glow and contentment that they are westerm after all). The community does not know about this, because they do not need to know. It happens, it is overlooked or hidden.

 

Indian marriage process is the same as a job interview, its all about education and money. Stick two people together (same background etc) and expect it to work, it does on the surface (indians are too proud to admit failure) but deep down it is riddled with problems usually because they are married for the wrong reasons and attraction may not figure.

 

That is the typical bs lines I hear from the whole community (mostly elders), do you want to be left of the shelf/die childless. I am surprised to hear you mimick that centuries old rubbish.

 

Marriage for love versus a CV exchange?

 

Westerners have it much better because they do not lie to themselves, they get married when it suits them not because the community bullies them - they have a choice.

[Hi Powered]

That's possible, that she married him for his money (he makes...40,000 dollars a year as a door man lol). The affairs part, well something tells me the community wouldn't look upon that too kindly.

 

I don't know where you get the rosy picture of Western style marriages. Guess what? Those are about economic power and riddled with adultery too, regardless of what you see on romantic comedies.

 

 

 

You're telling me an almost universal historical concept of marriage is "rape"? You realize this epoch is the exception to the rule, and marriage for "love" has proven to be a catastrophic failure from a social point of view.

 

Do you really want to be one of these new empowered western women who die childless (surrounded by shoes and money) because nobody was ever good enough for them?

 

Regardless, I'm sure your family will explain it all to you. Traditions aren't BS, they are the vehicle of your ethnic spirit. If you want to trade that all for some shoes and a convertible Jaguar, I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

Traditions are the tools backward communities use to bully their children into what they want ( so that they can hold their head up high and fulfill their parental duties).

[FitChick]

If you are in your thirties and self-supporting you can move away. They are not keeping you under armed guard are they? Are they locking you up at night? Stop being a victim using "culture" as your excuse. Grow up and take responsibility for your life.

[FitChick]

On second thought, tell them you are a lesbian and they will banish you.

[Wolf18]

Do what you want.

 

 

I've got the feeling that you're going to leave your community and come live amongst us westerners only to find out how cold and plastic this society of illusions is. All those guys who you reject for reasons like he respects the beliefs of his parents will start looking very viable when you get with some guy that looks great but doesn't call back after you give it up.

 

I think the reason you don't move out to a place far far away is because deep down you fear this disappointment, and with the Hindus you won't be able to come crawling back.

[kaylan]

^I love how you try to tell this woman that her culture is so good for her, when she has lived it. Stop being ignorant and jumping the gun.

 

Oppressive cultures like hers, in which folks get no free choice over their life, are not better than the West at all. She fears moving out because she has to live up to her parents expectations.

 

The West can be cold and plastic, but it also gives people the choice to find who they want in this diverse land. Its stupid of you to think that she should just not care about attraction or common interests, and simply marry a guy because her parents think so. There are plenty of Westernized Indian fellas or non-Indian guys she can find who she will actually have feelings for. Just because you havent done well for yourself in your very young life, doesnt mean everyone else will fair the same way.

 

Are you that desperate for attention that you think its better to be married to someone that other people picked out for you? And that you have no attraction or emotional feelings for?

 

Its also really arrogant of you to simply dismiss all the problems she pointed out with those marital arrangements in her culture. How about you make some Indian friends and truly get to know what their lives are like.

 

My ex guitarist, and good friend, is Indian. He always felt a tremendous pressure from his culture to marry someone who was Indian and Hindu, despite being attracted to many different kinds of women. I couldnt imagine forcing myself to date a specific type of woman just because others think I should.

 

Like OP said, at the end of the day, a lot of those folks are not really happy and a lot of affairs occur.

[FitChick]

On some other thread somebody posted a link to youtube of a radio show I'd never heard of. It sounded like it had a black deejay/host who set up the stunt. An Indian woman, who was in an arranged marriage, suspected her husband was cheating and wanted to find out for sure. Very clever and funny. If anyone saw this please post the link here. Very appropriate to the topic.

[Wolf18]

^I love how you try to tell this woman that her culture is so good for her, when she has lived it. Stop being ignorant and jumping the gun.[/Quote]

 

 

So what? What is wrong with having a culture?

 

My point was to value what she has. I can speak for my own culture, or lack thereof, and it blows. It's 1 dimensional and centered around consumerism. My western european people, we're at the ass end of our civilizations cycle, why anyone would want to abandon a vibrant and growing civilization like Hindu/Indian culture for mine just boggles my mind.

 

I'm not telling her what to do, just giving her advice.

 

Oppressive cultures like hers, in which folks get no free choice over their life, are not better than the West at all. She fears moving out because she has to live up to her parents expectations.[/Quote]

 

 

Why do you call another culture oppressive? That is ethnocentrism . Oppressive and free are subject to interpretation, and the line between freedom and order is drawn differently depending on the people and their concensus. Fact is , their culture is thousands of years old, this new cosmopolitan anti-culture experiment is quite new, and will most likely vanish into oblivion 100 years from now.

 

 

The West can be cold and plastic, but it also gives people the choice to find who they want in this diverse land. Its stupid of you to think that she should just not care about attraction or common interests, and simply marry a guy because her parents think so. There are plenty of Westernized Indian fellas or non-Indian guys she can find who she will actually have feelings for. Just because you havent done well for yourself in your very young life, doesnt mean everyone else will fair the same way.[/Quote]

 

 

I don't understand where you get your attitude and exaggerated sense of self. Where is your girlfriend or wife?? Why, if this system is working out so amazingly for you and you are really on top of the world, do you post here approximately 8 times a day?

 

Just another case of the blind leading the blind. I know it's unpopular and bruises the ego, but life is made up of comprimises. Do you value consanguinity, passing down your culture to your children in a relavent way and making your ancestors proud, or do you want to be a typical British/American serial dater whose relationships dissolve every 2 years when that honeymoon stage is over?

 

I doubt the guys her parents would like her to marry are that bad. Her criticism of one? He "hides behind his mother", IE , he respects his parents and the tradition they have bestowed upon him.

 

Fact is, these Indians have a much lower divorce rate than people in the no-fault divorce west have. They don't have that consumerist, low attention span mentality where you throw something away as soon as it shows signs of deteriorating (or sometimes, trading it in just because something shinier emerges), instead of trying to fix it.

 

Are you that desperate for attention that you think its better to be married to someone that other people picked out for you? And that you have no attraction or emotional feelings for?[/Quote]

 

 

Arranged marriages are generally between people of a similar social and economic status, this is true, but is our system any different? Women in America only seriously date men who make as much or more money than them, or on the other side of the spectrum very beautiful women date very rich men. It isn't any different, except for the fact that in their culture all kinds of men have a wife guaranteed, while in our society even the low status women are holding out for the Mega Millions.

 

 

 

Its also really arrogant of you to simply dismiss all the problems she pointed out with those marital arrangements in her culture. How about you make some Indian friends and truly get to know what their lives are like.[/Quote]

 

I have a few. There are some Indians I know who put bull rings in their nose, have blue hair, and get tattoos, I can see why their families would hate them, but I think they're pretty vile too.

 

Most Indians tend to have their fun in our Babylon, but end up going back. That one guy I know used to do a lot of drugs and chase fat white girls, at the end of the day he went back to his roots and was quite happy to do so. Your parents aren't generally your enemy, and they're not your oppressor, they want what's best for you and for you to be happy, the Elders I will say have more wisdom about life than some girl in her 20's or even early 30's.

 

My ex guitarist, and good friend, is Indian. He always felt a tremendous pressure from his culture to marry someone who was Indian and Hindu, despite being attracted to many different kinds of women. I couldnt imagine forcing myself to date a specific type of woman just because others think I should.[/Quote]

 

Why would someone want to marry someone who is radically different from them, unless you hate yourself?

 

Like I said my indian friend was always chasing white girls (who I assume you're referring to), but could only catch up with the fat ones IF I was an indian dude I would definitely pick an attractive indian girl over a fat white girl (just so you know, most Indian guys are ranked along side East Asians in terms of attractiveness)

 

Like OP said, at the end of the day, a lot of those folks are not really happy and a lot of affairs occur.

 

Straw man. No system ever works 100% of the time or fails 100% of the time.

[kaylan]

So what? What is wrong with having a culture?

 

My point was to value what she has. I can speak for my own culture, or lack thereof, and it blows. It's 1 dimensional and centered around consumerism. My western european people, we're at the ass end of our civilizations cycle, why anyone would want to abandon a vibrant and growing civilization like Hindu/Indian culture for mine just boggles my mind.

 

I'm not telling her what to do, just giving her advice.

But you dont live her life, and you cannot dismiss that she has less freedom and less happiness because of that lack of freedom. I always laugh at the complaints Westerners ever make about our culture...we have it SO much better than many other people in the world.

 

Why WOULDNT this woman want to abandon a culture that forces her to marry someone she has no feelings for?

 

Why do you call another culture oppressive? That is ethnocentrism . Oppressive and free are subject to interpretation, and the line between freedom and order is drawn differently depending on the people and their concensus. Fact is , their culture is thousands of years old, this new cosmopolitan anti-culture experiment is quite new, and will most likely vanish into oblivion 100 years from now.

It is not ethnocentrism when my Indian friends and the OP say the exact same thing. You live in NYC right...well theres plenty of Indian friends to be made and you can ask them about this issue.

 

You obviously have not much insight into Indian culture if you think it is not oppressive. Sure oppressive and free can be subjective terms, however, its not like there isnt a modernized caste system still in place in India. And theres no way to pretend that having others choose how you live your life is being free.

 

The funny thing is that even though you say our culture will vanish...Western culture is actually spreading everywhere and being mixed into more older traditional cultures.

 

I don't understand where you get your attitude and exaggerated sense of self. Where is your girlfriend or wife?? Why, if this system is working out so amazingly for you and you are really on top of the world, do you post here approximately 8 times a day?

Exaggerated sense of self? Give me a break kid. I am single by choice dude. Its easy to find a girlfriend, but I refuse to settle unless its a woman I am extremely drawn to. I am very picky, so girlfriends dont happen often for me. But they could happen if I just told myself "ok time to get a girlfriend".

 

The number of posts I make here in a day have no bearing on my dating life whatsoever. It takes a half an hour to one hour a day, during my leisure surfing and gaming time, to actually make several posts and read a bit. Plus, the fact that I have a smartphone allows me to surf the web while commuting mass transit, or while Im just bored. It takes no time really.

 

 

Just another case of the blind leading the blind. I know it's unpopular and bruises the ego, but life is made up of comprimises. Do you value consanguinity, passing down your culture to your children in a relavent way and making your ancestors proud, or do you want to be a typical British/American serial dater whose relationships dissolve every 2 years when that honeymoon stage is over?

Life is compromise. Sure. But why shouldnt the OPs family compromise. There is no reason she cannot marry who she wants and still retain her culture. Im a proud black man, but if I marry an asian woman for example, I am going to teach my children to be proud of their black and asian heritage.

 

But you would rather OP be in an unhappy marriage with someone she never had true feelings for to begin with? For the sake of her family? Why can they not compromise so SHE is happy. She is the one living her life.

I doubt the guys her parents would like her to marry are that bad. Her criticism of one? He "hides behind his mother", IE , he respects his parents and the tradition they have bestowed upon him.

Dude...the way she described it, the guy sounded like he has no backbone.

 

Again, why the hell should she be told who to marry if she doesnt agree with it. I have no problem with this Indian custom if both parties agree to it, but she doesnt. Thats HER choice. You say the guys arent "that bad". But who the hell wants to marry someone just cause they are ok, despite not having feelings for them.

 

Funny how you will advocate OP settling in this thread....but when other women do it, guys like you rally against it. And then get all mad at the woman wasting the guys time. OP is trying to prevent wasting anyones time because she knows her feelings.

Fact is, these Indians have a much lower divorce rate than people in the no-fault divorce west have. They don't have that consumerist, low attention span mentality where you throw something away as soon as it shows signs of deteriorating (or sometimes, trading it in just because something shinier emerges), instead of trying to fix it.

A lower divorce rate sure. But how many of those marriages are happy...and how many of them dont have affairs? OP and others have mentioned that affairs are a huge problem with these marriages...and its obvious why. I couldnt imagine being with someone the rest of my life who I didnt love or have attraction for.

 

Their culture forces them into marriage, thus forcing some into infidelity. Id rather get a divorce than be in an unhappy or unfaithful marriage.

 

Arranged marriages are generally between people of a similar social and economic status, this is true, but is our system any different? Women in America only seriously date men who make as much or more money than them, or on the other side of the spectrum very beautiful women date very rich men. It isn't any different, except for the fact that in their culture all kinds of men have a wife guaranteed, while in our society even the low status women are holding out for the Mega Millions.

Our system is different. Having the choice to select your own mate makes ALL the difference.

 

There are plenty of threads here and online that show many women dating guys who made less than them because they were in love. That happen far less, if at all, in traditional Indian culture. People have the choice to not care about status here in the West. Its all about having the freedom and right to choose.

 

Low status guys without women need to stop finger pointing. Because I know plenty of low status dude who do just fine with women. How do you know the guys without women arent aiming far out of their league? Sometimes the guys are as unrealistic as some women. Because lord knows I dont go for low quality women myself.

 

 

I have a few. There are some Indians I know who put bull rings in their nose, have blue hair, and get tattoos, I can see why their families would hate them, but I think they're pretty vile too.

Their families hate which they dont understand. I used to be a punk back in my younger days...and some of the best people I knew had funky hair, piercings and tattoos all over. Hell, on the weekends I look way different than I do during the week.

 

I can go from a business suit professional, to a slick rocker in a minutes. I have a chest and sleeve tattoo, stretched ears(0 gauge), short dreads (used to be shoulder length), Lip ring and eye brow ring, and play bass. However I can easily cover up my tattoos and take out my piercings when I need to look presentable in a business atmosphere. I am also quite articulate in conversation.

 

Basically, you cant judge everyone on appearances.

Most Indians tend to have their fun in our Babylon, but end up going back. That one guy I know used to do a lot of drugs and chase fat white girls, at the end of the day he went back to his roots and was quite happy to do so. Your parents aren't generally your enemy, and they're not your oppressor, they want what's best for you and for you to be happy, the Elders I will say have more wisdom about life than some girl in her 20's or even early 30's.

Whats your point? That people go wild in their 20s and experience life before going back to whats familiar? A LOT of people do this. Im 25 and would love to go to Europe, Japan, or South Korea just so I could party and experience new things. However at the end of the day I would prolly settle down back in the states.

 

The thing is, your parents cannot decide whats best for you as an adult. If OP does not agree its best for her, than it isnt. She wants freedom of choice...and her parents denying her that right is oppressive to her. Elders have wisdom, but they do not have the wisdom that comes from OP living her own life. She knows what she wants, and she does not want what they are trying to dictate to her.

 

I cannot see how you advocate her settling for a life she isnt happy with? Would you be ok with a woman settling for you and being forced to marry you when shed rather find someone she actually has feelings for? Because if she doesnt agree with the arrangement, she may very well bail on you one day...or just end up not ever sleeping with you much. I prefer to have a woman who wants to be with me because she chose to...not because someone else decided for her. I want her to crave me.

Why would someone want to marry someone who is radically different from them, unless you hate yourself?

Like I said my indian friend was always chasing white girls (who I assume you're referring to), but could only catch up with the fat ones IF I was an indian dude I would definitely pick an attractive indian girl over a fat white girl (just so you know, most Indian guys are ranked along side East Asians in terms of attractiveness)

Radically different? Hes an Indian American. He grew up here and listens to metal and plays guitar. Hes not religious either but respects his culture.

 

He would much prefer a girl who shares his interests, but feels that he has to marry Indian and Hindu to appease his mother. His sister married a white guy and had a traditional Indian wedding, and her mother still was never happy. It doesnt matter to their mother that the guy celebrates and respects their customs and wants to raise the kids the same way...shes denying him simply because he isnt Indian. Its stupid. And despite that fact, my friend would rather not go through the trouble. Happy life huh?

 

Hed love to find an Indian girl just like himself, but they are very rare.

 

And regarding attractiveness rank, media has loads to do with that. However, an attractive guy with a good head on his shoulders will pull women regardless.

Straw man. No system ever works 100% of the time or fails 100% of the time.

How is it a straw man? I didnt say all couples succeed or fail. I simply said that many of these relationships have all the same problems that western relationships do. And the reason is usually because of a lack of passion in these marriages do to the fact that these folks did not choose their partners.

 

Sometimes these people are not compatible personality wise, but get married simply because of social status. Not the best way of creating a happy marriage. However, if the two people agree to it...im fine with it. But what I am not fine with is people like the OP, who object to this process, being forced into it.

Edited January 5, 2012 by kaylan

[lino]

I've never understood why British Indians called themselves Asian. You must be in the UK then. Here in the US we call you Indian. Our own Indians are called Native Americans now. Who can keep up with all this political correctness?

 

 

Could have something to do with the fact that India is located in... Asia.

 

Nothing to do with PC.

[stillafool]

If you are in your thirties and self-supporting you can move away. They are not keeping you under armed guard are they? Are they locking you up at night? Stop being a victim using "culture" as your excuse. Grow up and take responsibility for your life.

 

Yes I agree. Why are you still living with your parents at that age? You should move, I guarantee you will feel much better.

[Emilia]

Yes I agree. Why are you still living with your parents at that age? You should move, I guarantee you will feel much better.

 

Indians live at home until they get married. The wife will often move in with her husband and her in-laws from her parents' home to take over household duties. They don't live on their own or in houseshares like we do in the west

[Hi Powered]

Do what you want.

 

 

I've got the feeling that you're going to leave your community and come live amongst us westerners only to find out how cold and plastic this society of illusions is. All those guys who you reject for reasons like he respects the beliefs of his parents will start looking very viable when you get with some guy that looks great but doesn't call back after you give it up.

 

I think the reason you don't move out to a place far far away is because deep down you fear this disappointment, and with the Hindus you won't be able to come crawling back.

 

I think you are a closet asian on here, there is no other reason why you defend them.

 

A lower divorce rate? wow, excellent, they hide everything. Affairs are common place but because of their stupid pride they will never let the marriage dissolve. I feel sorry for the next generation, the kids will be brought up with a completly false sense of pride and indian heritage which is bs while their parents try and fit in. This obsession with fitting in has made them outcasts. The Fresh ones that come here to work are so Cringeworthy is is embaressing, the whole culture is false. They simply do not fit the indian or british culture they are lost.

 

I am one and I can tell you that it is deceitful and false. The west at least have honesty and are not total hypocrites.

 

Yes it all looks rosy because we have a low divorce rate..but our cover rate is very high!

[Wolf18]

I think you are a closet asian on here, there is no other reason why you defend them.

 

A lower divorce rate? wow, excellent, they hide everything. Affairs are common place but because of their stupid pride they will never let the marriage dissolve. I feel sorry for the next generation, the kids will be brought up with a completly false sense of pride and indian heritage which is bs while their parents try and fit in. This obsession with fitting in has made them outcasts. The Fresh ones that come here to work are so Cringeworthy is is embaressing, the whole culture is false. They simply do not fit the indian or british culture they are lost.

 

I am one and I can tell you that it is deceitful and false. The west at least have honesty and are not total hypocrites.

 

Yes it all looks rosy because we have a low divorce rate..but our cover rate is very high!

 

Actually, my parents are white christians. But I have studied Eastern philosophy (especially the Bhagavad Gita, which is an inspiring text) and culture, and have known many people who are Indian. I think its superior to modern western culture by a mile. I think however, all of us have a duty to uphold our Dharma , whatever the odds and challenges may be. Duty > Hedonism.

 

That said, it's obvious that even in India itself, where the castes are gradually being replaced by money classes, the race is in decline.

 

I think you have a point when you say that parents cannot expect their kids to maintain their roots when they leave their native land for a multicultural/cosmopolitan place like Britain. People immigrate because they are chasing luxury and material well-being, so I don't generally feel sorry when their kids stray.