Mimi99 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Okay, so I've a tendency to be super shy when I go out on a date with someone I'm attracted to. And those dates end up being first dates only and I'm sure it has something to do with how I communicate with these guys on a first date. On the other hand, if I'm not so much attracted to a guy, I'm so relaxed, fun and interesting( atleast that's waht they say) and end up with so many more future dates. I met this guy online. I liked his profile, what he was about and his pics. We arranged for a first date. I had my mouth wide open when I first saw him. Those pictures don't do him any justice. He was so handsome!!! Ofcourse, I end up all nervous and just rambled on and on. I later on calmed down and we had a nice/kinda awkward, jumping from one subject to another type of conversation. we spent 4hrs just talking. He walked me home, cause I lived so close to where we met and gave me a hug and said he'll keep in touch. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel so dump about acting like a 15yr old and mind you I'm 31. How do I fix this?
Shaun-Dro Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Okay, so I've a tendency to be super shy when I go out on a date with someone I'm attracted to. And those dates end up being first dates only and I'm sure it has something to do with how I communicate with these guys on a first date. On the other hand, if I'm not so much attracted to a guy, I'm so relaxed, fun and interesting( atleast that's waht they say) and end up with so many more future dates. I met this guy online. I liked his profile, what he was about and his pics. We arranged for a first date. I had my mouth wide open when I first saw him. Those pictures don't do him any justice. He was so handsome!!! Ofcourse, I end up all nervous and just rambled on and on. I later on calmed down and we had a nice/kinda awkward, jumping from one subject to another type of conversation. we spent 4hrs just talking. He walked me home, cause I lived so close to where we met and gave me a hug and said he'll keep in touch. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel so dump about acting like a 15yr old and mind you I'm 31. How do I fix this? What's to fix? You spent 4 hours chatting and he said he'll keep in touch with you. Sounds like a good date to me. Wait and see what happens on the next outing then come back.
ditzchic Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Don't worry. It happens to the best of us. But the more you keep doing it the easier it gets. Consider each clam up as practice. If this guy doesn't call you back another handsome one will be right behind him. You'll know better for the next time around.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Okay, so I've a tendency to be super shy when I go out on a date with someone I'm attracted to. And those dates end up being first dates only and I'm sure it has something to do with how I communicate with these guys on a first date. On the other hand, if I'm not so much attracted to a guy, I'm so relaxed, fun and interesting( atleast that's waht they say) and end up with so many more future dates. I met this guy online. I liked his profile, what he was about and his pics. We arranged for a first date. I had my mouth wide open when I first saw him. Those pictures don't do him any justice. He was so handsome!!! Ofcourse, I end up all nervous and just rambled on and on. I later on calmed down and we had a nice/kinda awkward, jumping from one subject to another type of conversation. we spent 4hrs just talking. He walked me home, cause I lived so close to where we met and gave me a hug and said he'll keep in touch. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel so dump about acting like a 15yr old and mind you I'm 31. How do I fix this? I don't really think there is anything wrong in what you say. When those 'first dates' and those conversations GO NOWHERE, that's when you have cause for concern. Beginning online is a brilliant move for the likes of you, because you can seemingly 'inform yourself' of the topics that can inspire energetic conversation. Then, when you're in a spot where you can take those conversations and run with them, you're much better off conversationally than you might have been. It never hurts to TALK directly ABOUT your nervous or awkward feelings during those conversations. I know what you mean about (feeling more comfortable with people to whom you {aren't leaving the door open for 'what if he/she is the one??'} ). That too is fairly common. These days, where sexual preference is so much more widely advertised than was the case 40 years ago, everybody gets significant examples of that interesting phenomenon. Anyway, I think you're doing fine.
Author Mimi99 Posted December 18, 2011 Author Posted December 18, 2011 Thanks for the replies! yeah, I'll wait for a couple of days and see if he calls. I highly doubt it though. I did spend 4hrs chatting with this guy, but I've also had a 7hr date with another guy that turned out to be only " a first date". I was in a relationship all throughout my 20s and now that I'm single, this dating thing is driving me crazy! What is the normal time someone should spend on a first date? I feel like he spent all that time with me because he was waiting for me to say when to leave ( when to end the date). Is it the man or the woman who's supposed to end a date? I def need alot of practice dating
monkey00 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 I wouldn't worry about it too much. You sound like a girl I went on a date with in the past who rambled and did most of the talking, though I don't know if she was nervous. Anyway her sticking around late on the date was definitely a good sign in my book.
LZ2000 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 My personal opinion is that shy women are potentially dangerous.
oldguy Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 My personal opinion is that shy women are potentially dangerous. "dangerous"? like stalker, crazy dangerous?
LZ2000 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 "dangerous"? like stalker, crazy dangerous? No.... More like this: It's just that individuals, who have a very weak sense of willpower, prudence, resilience, self confidence are almost very eager or not apprehensive to shift guilt, blame, bad moods to others. And that's not healthy for a relationship. In addition, usually shy people are not assertive enough and do not really speak what is on their minds. My guess is that such that shy individuals are more likely to bottle up their emotions and frustrations that they feel. And that is potentially dangerous. It can cause them to do some things to others as well as themselves which I deem as quite ugly and unacceptable. Think about it, if you have done some things that your shy partner does not like or doing things to her/him that he feels is very detrimental, and her/his tolerance has been accumulating to a point which exceeds his limit, he/she would one day react in a way which would potentially compromise your relationship ? Also, shy people could use their natural personality trait as a emotional manipulative weapon.
oldguy Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 No.... More like this: In addition, usually shy people are not assertive enough and do not really speak what is on their minds. My guess is that such that shy individuals are more likely to bottle up their emotions and frustrations that they feel. And that is potentially dangerous. It can cause them to do some things to others as well as themselves which I deem as quite ugly and unacceptable. Think about it, if you have done some things that your shy partner does not like or doing things to her/him that he feels is very detrimental, and her/his tolerance has been accumulating to a point which exceeds his limit, he/she would one day react in a way which would potentially compromise your relationship ? In the case of excessive shyness or people who have withdrawn due to, 'issues', this may be mostly true but most of the shy people that I've ever gotten to know generally loosen up a bit after awhile & are amazing. Also, shy people could use their natural personality trait as a emotional manipulative weapon. How so?
LZ2000 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 But most of the shy people that I've ever gotten to know generally loosen up a bit after awhile & are amazing. Maybe you have a quality that make people open up and bring out the best of themselves ? How so? Sir. I present to you a hyperlink. http://manipulativepeople.net/manipulative-behaviors/the-shy-manipulative-behavior
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 I agree 100% with every post by LZ2000 in this thread. Avoid overly shy, timid, or passive-aggressive women like the plague. He posted great examples of qualities to watch out for in women. If you keep your eyes open, they are easy to spot before you get into a serious relationship with them. It's understandable for a woman to be shy initially when meeting people. However, if she continues with the shy behavior then watch out. Women complain about unambitious men, but there are a lot of unambitious women: single mothers who have never been married; gold-diggers; divas; women who are famous just for being famous; attention whores; cockteases; bitter women who blame everything on men; shy women whose main or only method of dealing with conflict is to be passive-agressive; etc. There are a lot of women that will drag a guy down. Men should be mindful of the qualities of these women. Franklin Pierce, the 14th President of the United States, married the type of shy, manipulative women LZ2000 describes: Jane Means Appleton was Pierce's opposite. Born into an aristocratic Whig family, she was shy, often ill, deeply religious, and pro-temperance... Jane was never happy with her husband's involvement in the political world. She took no pleasure from life in Washington, D.C., having encouraged Pierce to resign his Senate seat and return to New Hampshire, which he did in 1842. After the gruesome death of her last child, shortly before Pierce's inauguration, she was overcome with melancholia and distanced herself from her husband during his presidency. She became known as "the shadow of the White House." She was deeply religious and regarded the death of their last child as God's anger brought on by her husband's political life. Historians had this to say about Franklin Pierce: "a good man who didn't understand his own shortcomings. He was genuinely religious, he loved his wife, and he reshaped himself so that he could adapt to her ways and show her true affection. He was one of the most popular men in New Hampshire, polite and thoughtful, easy, and good at the political game, charming and fine and handsome. However, he has been criticized as timid and unable to cope with a changing America." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franklin_Pierce The saying that behind every powerful man is a powerful woman isn't true (what about Hitler, Stalin, and Frederick the Great, by the way?). There are many powerful men who married shy women who used manipulative and passive-aggressive behavior to bring them down. Guys should be wary of these types of women.
iris219 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Why are you automatically equating shyness with being manipulative? I don't see how shy people are more manipulative than outgoing ones.
jobaba Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Okay, so I've a tendency to be super shy when I go out on a date with someone I'm attracted to. And those dates end up being first dates only and I'm sure it has something to do with how I communicate with these guys on a first date. On the other hand, if I'm not so much attracted to a guy, I'm so relaxed, fun and interesting( atleast that's waht they say) and end up with so many more future dates. I met this guy online. I liked his profile, what he was about and his pics. We arranged for a first date. I had my mouth wide open when I first saw him. Those pictures don't do him any justice. He was so handsome!!! Ofcourse, I end up all nervous and just rambled on and on. I later on calmed down and we had a nice/kinda awkward, jumping from one subject to another type of conversation. we spent 4hrs just talking. He walked me home, cause I lived so close to where we met and gave me a hug and said he'll keep in touch. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel so dump about acting like a 15yr old and mind you I'm 31. How do I fix this? The question was deceiving. You're not really shy. You're just really shy around good looking guys. That's something totally different from shyness in my book. There's an easy way to fix being nervous around attractive people. I'll tell you how I did it... Hang out with so many attractive women who are so shallow and narrow and vapid you couldn't fill them with a liter of water. And then get rejected by the ones who happen to be attractive and cool, and watch them date your best friends. All of them... You won't hold good looks in such high regard after that.
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Why are you automatically equating shyness with being manipulative? I don't see how shy people are more manipulative than outgoing ones. Yes, outgoing people are manipulative. The thing is that most guys don't know that shy women can be manipulative. That's why LZ2000 posted that link of what to look out for in shy women. A woman should open up to a guy after getting to know him. If she remains timid and passive-aggressive, then she's got issues.
Author Mimi99 Posted December 18, 2011 Author Posted December 18, 2011 Wow! It's interesting to know what some people think about shy women. Just to be clear I'm not that painfully shy type of woman. Only when I'm with out on a first date with potential long term partners. I'm very picky and when I meet someone that I like alot, I get pretty nervous at first but as time goes on, I tend to relax and act normal. I don't know how manipulative a shy woman can be though. But in defense of shy women, it's the western society that portrays aggressive and assertative women as strong and desirable. But in most parts of the world shy women are considered "nice" , desirable, lady-like. Asian and African men tend to search for these qualities in women. But ofcouse, being painfully shy has to do with some type of problem someone has. I guess desirablity depends on geographic locations as well:)
MaxNoob Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Maybe you have a quality that make people open up and bring out the best of themselves ? Sir. I present to you a hyperlink. http://manipulativepeople.net/manipulative-behaviors/the-shy-manipulative-behavior That's not a description of a shy person. That's pretending to be shy as a manipulation tactic. A genuinely shy girl can actually be very sweet; her shyness is misinterpreted as rudeness, and although she may have trouble expressing her concerns in words, you can notice her facial expressions when she's upset. Anyone can bottle up their emotions, manipulate others into helping them and shift blame to others. I had a girlfriend who did all that and she was the complete opposite of shy; she was absolutely fearless. She'd go skydiving, sign up to participate in demolition derbies, fearlessly talk down a customs officer about why she's bringing a chainsaw into a corrupt developing country. But she always kept a straight face whenever I did anything that upset her. She let her anger slowly build up, then blew up, broke up with me, and gave me a list of all the things I did wrong, which I had no idea about until it was too late. She also twisting everything around to blame the failure of our relationship entirely on me, and then used that as justification to scream at me like a maniac.
Author Mimi99 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 So the wait period until a guy calls a woman after the first date is truly agonizing. I decided to quit being so anxious and went ahead and texted him 2 days after our date. He replied right away. I felt like he was just being polite by returning my texts as they were just responses and comments. He never asked me any questions except "how i've been". Didn't ask me out again or anything. I ended the texting and he let it be. I didn't see any real interest on his part. Is this a typical way of being brushed off? He did tell me that I looked like my profile pic, but I realized after our date, that I was about an inch or 2 taller than him. I'm guessing that may have been a turn off for him. Anyway, I feel like I need a second date with this guy to show him my true personality without my shyness getting in the way. Do you think it would be weird if I call him a week later to ask him out for a second date?
LZ2000 Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 That's not a description of a shy person. That's pretending to be shy as a manipulation tactic. A genuinely shy girl can actually be very sweet; her shyness is misinterpreted as rudeness, and although she may have trouble expressing her concerns in words, you can notice her facial expressions when she's upset. Anyone can bottle up their emotions, manipulate others into helping them and shift blame to others. I had a girlfriend who did all that and she was the complete opposite of shy; she was absolutely fearless. She'd go skydiving, sign up to participate in demolition derbies, fearlessly talk down a customs officer about why she's bringing a chainsaw into a corrupt developing country. But she always kept a straight face whenever I did anything that upset her. She let her anger slowly build up, then blew up, broke up with me, and gave me a list of all the things I did wrong, which I had no idea about until it was too late. She also twisting everything around to blame the failure of our relationship entirely on me, and then used that as justification to scream at me like a maniac. Dear Max, You have a point there and I do agree from your point on view. I am sorry that you had the misfortune to have a girlfriend like that. I have to say that I had the same experience as you did quite a while ago. I guess in your previous experience, your girlfriend for some reason, absolutely refused to even confront or talk about the things with you, that made her upset. This i believe, is severely unhealthy and leads to a strong swing away from a healthy emotional balance in an individual.
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