Misdirected anger at the BS...

[Skee]

Quick background: I was in a relationship with a girl for a year, and after she broke up with me, I found out that I was actually the OM. I was beyond devastated. She had a boyfriend of 4 years that she was also dating the entire time she was with me (details if you click on my username). Just to be clear- I would've never pursued her or dated her if I knew she had a boyfriend. She said she was single when we met, and I always wanted an open daylight relationship with her.

 

*****************

 

I found out I was the OM from the boyfriend himself (this girl told me he was an "ex", so I knew of him). After our breakup, I saw him out one day, pretended I was a friend of a friend, and asked him about his relationship with "Xxxxxxx". He said they've been together 4 years now. Since I got my confirmation, I made some small talk, didn't tell him anything about me and his girlfriend, then went on my way.

 

I was so hurt and so overcome with thoughts of revenge that I told this girl I would tell her boyfriend everything if she didn't. I'm not saying it was right, but I was in so much pain because of her lies and betrayal. She ended up confessing (her version of course) so I couldn't tell him myself. I spoke to her one last time after the confession, she told me what happened so I wouldn't talk to him anymore, and we both went our separate ways.

 

Here's where it gets crazy- a few weeks later, I'm out in a bar, and this girl AND her boyfriend both happen to be there. We spot each other, and I guess the boyfriend recognized me from a few weeks back. He puts 2+2 together, and asks if we can talk without her around. I told him no problem. She begs him not to talk to me, but he sends her home so we can talk.

 

The boyfriend tells me she did confess and that he knows I didn't know he was her boyfriend, so he's not angry with me. I told him the same, that she lied to both of us and we're both the victims. Just as I suspected, she left out and flat-out lied about a lot of details in her confession, so I was open and honest about anything he asked. For 45 minutes, I basically told him everything about the cheating from start to finish. I could tell he was extremely hurt about the cheating and also now about the lies in her confession, but he actually thanked me for answering all of his questions. He said he had some decisions to make about the relationship now, and I left right after that.

 

*****************

 

Here's my problem now- Even though it's been over 2 months since finding out I was unknowingly the OM, I'm still extremely hurt and depressed...even getting "revenge" by having the cheating exposed only gave me temporary satisfaction. But now, instead of just being angry at her, I'm finding myself being less angry with her and more angry with HIM...because they're still together.

 

I'm angry at HIM because I feel like I'm the only one who suffered the ultimate consequence of her selfish actions (a lost year of my life and who knows how long of a recovery period) when it should've been her. I'm angry at HIM because what man tries to "work it out" after getting cheated on for a year by a girl who pretended to be someone else's girlfriend the entire time? I'm angry at HIM because the only way she could feel the same pain of losing someone (as I did by losing her) is if SHE lost HIM. We live 5 minutes away, and anytime I'm near her house, his truck is literally always there. NOW he tries to fix the relationship? His neglect is why she selfishly ended up with me in the first place, and now she gets all the attention she ever wanted from him BECAUSE she cheated? Within the past week, he changed his Facebook pic to a picture of them hugged up together, and it made me sick. This is the same girl that cheated on him for a year! In the end, she gets rewarded by him for her behavior? He doesn't leave her? And I'm left here broken because of a selfish decision she made that I had no say in?

 

I know all of this is misplaced and misguided, and I know I need to focus only on myself, but it's easier said than done. It's like I see him as the reason why she doesn't have to feel the same pain that I feel. She didn't lose him, which is all she cared about. Even if they're dealing with issues every day because of the cheating (most likely), she didn't pay the ultimate price, and that makes me furious at him for whatever irrational reason. Some of it is admittedly probably jealously that he "won". At the end of the day they still have each other, and I'm left with nothing.

 

How do I cope with these extreme feelings of misplaced anger towards him? It's like I had to be sacrificed in order for them to try and fix their relationship, and while I was mad at her for a while, now all of my anger is wrongly directed at him for "giving" her what she wants by staying with her. Whether it's wrong on right, I feel like them breaking up is the only thing that will ever satisfy me before I can truly start to focus on myself and my healing.

 

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this.

[bentnotbroken]

Get some help if you can't deal with it on your own. His decision to stay now, may not be his decision to stay later. He has to process the fact that he was ALSO living a lie. Good you answered his questions. He now has most of the pieces to the puzzle and can make a more informed choice. As for you and your feelings...no one can say they aren't valid, you know they are misplaced...now get help to deal and move on.

[LadyGrey]

Quick background: I was in a relationship with a girl for a year, and after she broke up with me, I found out that I was actually the OM. I was beyond devastated. She had a boyfriend of 4 years that she was also dating the entire time she was with me (details if you click on my username). Just to be clear- I would've never pursued her or dated her if I knew she had a boyfriend. She said she was single when we met, and I always wanted an open daylight relationship with her.

 

*****************

 

I found out I was the OM from the boyfriend himself (this girl told me he was an "ex", so I knew of him). After our breakup, I saw him out one day, pretended I was a friend of a friend, and asked him about his relationship with "Xxxxxxx". He said they've been together 4 years now. Since I got my confirmation, I made some small talk, didn't tell him anything about me and his girlfriend, then went on my way.

 

I was so hurt and so overcome with thoughts of revenge that I told this girl I would tell her boyfriend everything if she didn't. I'm not saying it was right, but I was in so much pain because of her lies and betrayal. She ended up confessing (her version of course) so I couldn't tell him myself. I spoke to her one last time after the confession, she told me what happened so I wouldn't talk to him anymore, and we both went our separate ways.

 

Here's where it gets crazy- a few weeks later, I'm out in a bar, and this girl AND her boyfriend both happen to be there. We spot each other, and I guess the boyfriend recognized me from a few weeks back. He puts 2+2 together, and asks if we can talk without her around. I told him no problem. She begs him not to talk to me, but he sends her home so we can talk.

 

The boyfriend tells me she did confess and that he knows I didn't know he was her boyfriend, so he's not angry with me. I told him the same, that she lied to both of us and we're both the victims. Just as I suspected, she left out and flat-out lied about a lot of details in her confession, so I was open and honest about anything he asked. For 45 minutes, I basically told him everything about the cheating from start to finish. I could tell he was extremely hurt about the cheating and also now about the lies in her confession, but he actually thanked me for answering all of his questions. He said he had some decisions to make about the relationship now, and I left right after that.

 

*****************

 

Here's my problem now- Even though it's been over 2 months since finding out I was unknowingly the OM, I'm still extremely hurt and depressed...even getting "revenge" by having the cheating exposed only gave me temporary satisfaction. But now, instead of just being angry at her, I'm finding myself being less angry with her and more angry with HIM...because they're still together.

 

I'm angry at HIM because I feel like I'm the only one who suffered the ultimate consequence of her selfish actions (a lost year of my life and who knows how long of a recovery period) when it should've been her. I'm angry at HIM because what man tries to "work it out" after getting cheated on for a year by a girl who pretended to be someone else's girlfriend the entire time? I'm angry at HIM because the only way she could feel the same pain of losing someone (as I did by losing her) is if SHE lost HIM. We live 5 minutes away, and anytime I'm near her house, his truck is literally always there. NOW he tries to fix the relationship? His neglect is why she selfishly ended up with me in the first place, and now she gets all the attention she ever wanted from him BECAUSE she cheated? Within the past week, he changed his Facebook pic to a picture of them hugged up together, and it made me sick. This is the same girl that cheated on him for a year! In the end, she gets rewarded by him for her behavior? He doesn't leave her? And I'm left here broken because of a selfish decision she made that I had no say in?

 

I know all of this is misplaced and misguided, and I know I need to focus only on myself, but it's easier said than done. It's like I see him as the reason why she doesn't have to feel the same pain that I feel. She didn't lose him, which is all she cared about. Even if they're dealing with issues every day because of the cheating (most likely), she didn't pay the ultimate price, and that makes me furious at him for whatever irrational reason. Some of it is admittedly probably jealously that he "won". At the end of the day they still have each other, and I'm left with nothing.

 

How do I cope with these extreme feelings of misplaced anger towards him? It's like I had to be sacrificed in order for them to try and fix their relationship, and while I was mad at her for a while, now all of my anger is wrongly directed at him for "giving" her what she wants by staying with her. Whether it's wrong on right, I feel like them breaking up is the only thing that will ever satisfy me before I can truly start to focus on myself and my healing.

 

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this.

 

I understand where you are coming from as the situation with me is similar. I'll try to make a long story short for fyi. Several years ago he and I started dating, after he became separated from a short marriage. A few months into it, he said he had to go back, for xwy reasons but he promised he wouldn't stay. So I became the ow for about a year. I couldn't hack it and I walked. A few years later, we were in contact again. He told me they had split up again. I had held a torch for him, so there we went again. It was a ldr now but I saw him at least once a week. There were things going on with him, but he explained it away by saying his stbx was causing problems for him.

 

Anyway eventually I found out that there had NEVER been any separations, well at least not until the last couple of months of him and I. That bastard lied to me, the 1st time, and the 2nd time. Like you, I talked to the BS, told her everything she asked. Her and I bonded in ways and oh we bashed the hell out of him. I know how crushed I was but I also knew how much worse it was for her, after all she was married to him and almost her whole marriage had been a lie. Her and I also put 2 and 2 together and came to the conclusion that he most likely had been having an affair with his 1st wife the whole time he had been with her. So there was me, and his 1st wife and who the hell knows who else.

 

Anyway her and I talked for while, a couple of months, then she was done with me. I was a little pissed, felt used, although rationally I understood it, I still had some anger toward her. Then about a month later, I found out she took him back. So then again, I was pissed at her. It was crazy I know, didn't make any sense. By this time I was frickin furious with him, I mean furious. Sometimes I still am at him, 1 1/2 years later. Now my anger toward her is gone and has been for quite a while. I feel sad for her, I realize I'm the lucky one! I was weak at first from the shock and if he had pressured me, I might have broke, but soon after, I knew there was no fricking way I'd give him the time of day. I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire, (thanks 18years for that line, ha ha).

 

I wish I could tell you something to help you, maybe this will. You know and I knew the anger at the BS is misdirected, not deserved, not rational, but I can tell you, it will pass.

 

For myself, I'm just now chilling on the red hot rage I felt at him, but my anger at her is all gone. As I said, I just feel bad for her.

[whichwayisup]

Do yourself a favour, stop looking at facebook - If need be, shut down your account for a while.

 

Be angry, be hurt, but focus that energy somewhere that can do some good! Like join a gym and beat the crap out of a punching bag or run, or play squash. Let that bad energy out in a productive way. Plus, you'll feel good after and be in shape.

 

Let this be a phase and hopefully the next step will be on the path way to healing.

 

She messed up and trust me, there are consquences.. Loss of respect, loss of trust and faith..Their relationship isn't going to be the same as it once was. Right now he's chosen to forgive her, like it or not..Maybe he feels she's worthy of a second chance. Will they last? Time will tell. Just don't let her back into your life IF they break up and she calls you, begging to get back with you. Not saying that you want her back if they do break up, especially since now you know she's a cheater, a liar and what she's capable of.

 

Don't let this ruin your holidays, and Christmas! BE with family and friends, those who care and are in your life.

[Skee]

@bentnotbroken: I'm hoping just posting my story is part of the help I need. I've talked with family, friends, etc. and I've tried to live my life as I always have, but it's a daily struggle.

 

@LadyGrey: Thank you for sharing your story, sometimes knowing I'm not alone or that someone else has been through a similar situation/had the same feelings helps. I hope to get to where you're at soon. I know the anger is misdirected, but I can't force myself to stop feeling it, although I wish I could.

 

In my mind, in the end, she gets what she wanted in her relationship with him...and I was used (during the year we were together) and then sacrificed (her breaking up with me/me finding out about the lies and betrayal afterwards) in order for her to get it. By staying with her, I feel like he's partially responsible for the hurt I feel right now because she didn't get what she deserved (the pain of losing both of us). It makes no sense, but that's why I'm here, to learn how to cope with these feelings of anger that I can't just wish away.

 

@whichwayisup: Thanks for the advice and the nice words. You're right in that I can't just assume they're living happily ever after. I can't just assume they're better than ever. Just the fact that her boyfriend knows she's a cheater means there probably will be long-lasting repercussions for as long as they're together. Maybe they will break up one day and she will face the ultimate consequence. Who knows. I just hope that one day I won't care either way. I'm too hurt and angry to be anywhere near that point right now, but that's my goal.

[FightClub]

Skee,

 

It's a normal feeling after the end of any relationship for those who were involved with someone either knowingly or unknowingly who was with someone else.

 

Ride the wave of the emotions, use them to re-focus on what you want out of life now, they no longer matter and in time you'll wonder why you ever gave it much thought other than a moment in time that is over now.

 

When you act on raw emotion, it blurs all the logical thinking. The emotions will fade and you'll see clearly that what you really want is ahead of you my friend, keep walking forward and away from this pain.

 

It takes time but you'll get there, it takes everyone a bit of time to find clarity.

 

Happy holidays!

 

-FC

[SoMovinOn]

I don't really get the cheating while dating thing. While you're dating, you *are* single. I don't know why she wouldn't have just been honest with both of you.

 

Cool that you and him were able to talk things out between the two of you

[Brokenlady]

Skee,

Drive a different way home and don't check his Facebook. All that it's doing is hurting you, and keeping you stuck. That girl is trash and you are the lucky one to be away from her. The boat you missed was the titanic.

 

Find a way to stop yourself from obsessing about their relationship. It doesn't matter. Stop looking for "fairness" in the world. Life isn't fair sometimes and we as adults just have to accept that. Replace the time you spend devoted to thinking about their relationship with a more constructive activity if you can. It helps.

[Emme]

Some of it is admittedly probably jealously that he "won".

 

 

Won what! He won a woman that cheated on him. Cheated on him with someone from the same neighborhood. She couldn't even find a man on the other side a town. For all you know you were on list with the mailman and the gardener. Child please... be happy.