Is it fair for bf to dump me after saying NO to proposal

[Shaina2]

Well this is my third relationship and we've been dating for only 10 months. Anyways he wanted to meet me in the park but I had no idea he was planning to propose suddenly.

 

I was being honest and told him not yet and how this hasn't even been talked about. He end up returning the ring that day.

 

Our ages are 22 (me) and him being 23. Isn't this still too early?

 

Even since that day he started acting different and wasn't the same anymore. He went from humorous, affectionated, talkative and outgoing to all distant, not wanting to cuddle with me like before and kinda silent. The following month he breaks up with me and says it's not working out. But our relationship was ok and there were no arguments. I just haven't thought about marriage. I don't even know when I want to get marry or have kids. I feel too young for that.

[Shaina2]

What do you all think? Is it fair for a man to dump a woman for that reason or should he have at least sit down and talk with me.

 

I might have wanted to settle down years later, who knows but he nope he goes on breaking up. Shouldn't he have given me more time? I think even 1 year is too early. What made him think I was gonna say yes if this was never discussed in advance?

 

I think it wasn't really fair for him to dump me. Just because I say no doesn't mean I don't love him but I'm just not ready for that type of commitment.

Edited December 18, 2011 by Shaina2

[Eddie Edirol]

It is fair for him to dump you if he wants a wife right away. But you have a good reason for saying no, and you are too young to get married now, especially since you werent thinking about marriage. So I think you dodgeed a bullet.

[Shaina2]

It is fair for him to dump you if he wants a wife right away.

But isn't it also too young for a 23 year-old man to even be thinking about that?

 

I think someone should get married when they're a bit older like at around 28-30 years old perhaps.

[tigressA]

You aren't ready for that type of commitment now, but HE is, which is why he proposed. It is perfectly within the bounds of 'fairness' for him to have dumped you since you made it clear to him that you don't want the same thing he does.

[Shaina2]

You aren't ready for that type of commitment now, but HE is, which is why he proposed. It is perfectly within the bounds of 'fairness' for him to have dumped you since you made it clear to him that you don't want the same thing he does.

I was thinking if we can at least remain friends?

I tried calling him today once and even wrote him on his email but no response at all.

 

It's like he completely shut down on me but I was never a horrible gf.

[MikeT4]

There's no such thing as fair in love. You gave him a major rejection. You put the ball in his court and he can do what he wants to with it.

[Shaina2]

There's no such thing as fair in love. You gave him a major rejection. You put the ball in his court and he can do what he wants to with it.

I understand him not wanting to continue the relationship with me but not even as friends? I know of people that keep an ex as a friend and they get along good esp. when cheating wasn't involved.

 

I never cheated nor treated him poorly.

[SoMovinOn]

Life isn't fair. It doesn't matter if it's fair. He dumped you because you're not what he wants. I think that's more fair than if he were to stay with you, even though you're not what he wants.

 

Why worry about it? Move on to someone who shares your same goals and perspectives.

[Citizen Erased]

Obviously he can't get past it, it's pretty much the ultimate rejection so I can see why it's tough on him. Your reasons for saying no are very sound, it seems you want different things and so are incompatible.

 

BTW, he doesn't owe you friendship. A lot of people aren't friends with their exes, especially when it's shortly after they have split up. He deserves space to move on.

[LittleTiger]

A man asked you to spend the rest of your life with him - and you said 'no'.

 

Look at this from his point of view. What would you do if you were in his shoes?

 

When you meet someone who is so special you don't want to live without them (unless you're against marriage and never plan to get married) you will be ecstatically happy when he proposes - or you may even propose to him. That could be tomorrow or in ten years time - age is irrelevant! I think 10 months is long enough to know if he's 'the one'.

 

He is (or was) obviously very much in love with you and ready to commit to you for the rest of his life - you don't feel the same - so, yes, it is very fair and very reasonable of him to end the relationship.

 

You have probably hurt him very deeply - why would you expect him to stick around with you and wait for a 'maybe I'll marry you in five or ten years time - and maybe not'?

 

He wants to find the right woman and settle down now, you want something different - so you should both go your separate ways.

[oldguy]

'Fair'? It seems a little immature for him to walk away maybe. Most importantly I think what you did was the right thing for you at this time. Too many people say yes for the wrong reasons. I'm sorry things didn't work out, that he wasn't able to understand that you aren't ready for marriage right now. But I commend you on your decision. Personally I think under 25 or even 30 for some is too young but that is me

Edited December 18, 2011 by oldguy

[sweetjasmine]

A man asked you to spend the rest of your life with him - and you said 'no'.

 

To be fair, she said, "Not yet," and "we haven't even talked about this," not, "I never see myself being with you long-term and I don't want what you want." That's a big difference, IMO.

 

I will never in my life understand why anyone would propose without ever having discussed the issue first. If the guy had talked to her about it first and heard that she thinks she's too young to get married, he would've saved himself a lot of heartache. I feel bad for him and agree that it's best they both move on.

[TigerCub]

After he proposed and you turned him down - did you guys at all have any kind of discussion as to why you said no?

 

It doesn't sound like you two even discussed the issue after the proposal turn down to even explain where you were coming from and if you saw a marriage with him down the line.

 

Honestly, I think you did the mature thing by not jumping into marriage at such a young age and before you were sure you wanted to be with him forever.

 

As for being friends with an ex - that doesn't usually happen, and if it does happen, it doesn't happen right after a break up, it takes time for feelings to fade and to finally be in a mental space where its ok to see that person and just see them as a friend.

[LittleTiger]

To be fair, she said, "Not yet," and "we haven't even talked about this," not, "I never see myself being with you long-term and I don't want what you want." That's a big difference, IMO.

 

If someone asks "Will you marry me?", there are only two possible answers - Yes or No

 

Sure, you can say 'no' in a variety of ways and make any number of excuses - Not yet (because) I'm too young, I'm not ready, we haven't known each other long enough etc etc, but if the answer isn't 'yes', however you phrase it, it's still 'no'.

 

She could have said '"no, but ask me again....in (6 months or 3 years or whatever)", but he clearly isn't prepared to wait and that's his choice - he's ready now and she doesn't feel the same so - goodbye!

[linwood]

It`s my opinion that you are too young to get married.

 

However your boyfriend apparently wants a wife NOW!

So I can understand why he feels he needs to move on considering he`s not going to get what he wants from you.

 

 

Have you tried talking to him about waiting?

Did you just reject him with no real explanation?

[standtall]

S2, what did you expect? I can't imagine what that dude feels like....misreading your cues that bad and then getting rejected...by no fault of yours.

 

His ego is bruised and he is backing away for damage control. Even if you get back together again, he will be shoulder surfing looking to trade you up. I hate to say it, but your relationship is DOA now.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

but yes you two are too young, but to be rejected like that is a devestating blow and it is probably for the best.

 

As a male the idea that basically we are screwed if we propose an are turned down and then are expected to stick around.

 

And you wonder why smart women hold all the cards?????

[bean1]

I was thinking if we can at least remain friends?

I tried calling him today once and even wrote him on his email but no response at all.

 

It's like he completely shut down on me but I was never a horrible gf.

 

He obviously loves you very much but realizes that you both want different things in life right now. Why would he stay "friends" with a woman he is in love with but doesn't want to marry him right now? That makes no sense.

 

I agree that is too young and too soon - but it's illogical for him to stay friends with you. Men are terrified enough to ask a woman on a date but when a woman rejects a marriage proposal I'm sure it is devastating.

[Shaina2]

Have you tried talking to him about waiting?

I tried that whole day and though he did told me how it's good I'm being honest and not just going along with it, I still saw he was hurt (an expression I never seen before in him). We went to the movies afterwards and changed the topic but by the following day it just wasn't the same anymore. That's when he started being somewhat distant or quiet for a long while until I broke the silence talking about something different.

Did you just reject him with no real explanation?

No I tried to explain as polite as possible how it just wasn't the right moment nor time for me nor even given it a thought about it. In addition I still need to finish my major in biological and biomedical sciences, which I took 1 year of break.

 

I honestly didn't mean to hurt him. I have said I'm sorry but I'm really not ready, please don't think I don't love you. I do but marriage is too much right now and we're young. I might settle down later on in the future, maybe in a couple years. I don't really know.

[Shaina2]

A man asked you to spend the rest of your life with him - and you said 'no'.

Correct but I tried saying it in a polite way. I didn't just said ''No I don't want you''. I gave out my reasons.

Look at this from his point of view. What would you do if you were in his shoes?

I wouldn't have let it proceed to that level because there would have been a discussion way before so there aren't any surprises nor misunderstandings.

I think 10 months is long enough to know if he's 'the one'.

I'm sorry but that's really way too early for me. Not everyone thinks the same.

[Shaina2]

I forgot to add that I did finally got a reply back from him on my email. On it he said how we can't be friends at all and it would be best if I don't contact him anymore. Towards the end he said I'm sorry but I don't want to be your friend, I'll never see you that way. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, don't you realized what that meant to me? Please don't call me nor reply to this message or I'll end up blocking you.

[MikeT4]

The best thing for him to recover from his obvious hurt is to move on. It's hard to move on when you have continuing contact. It's that simple. He respected your "no," you should respect his wishes.

[nittanylion]

I forgot to add that I did finally got a reply back from him on my email. On it he said how we can't be friends at all and it would be best if I don't contact him anymore. Towards the end he said I'm sorry but I don't want to be your friend, I'll never see you that way. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, don't you realized what that meant to me? Please don't call me nor reply to this message or I'll end up blocking you.

 

 

Omg, He sounded so mature for his age. I can understand why he want to settle down with you, and get married. Apparently, you are not ready and i dont blame you. You and him are not on the same wavelenght. Its best to let it go if no compromised is reached.

[findingnemo]

S2, I know how you feel. The same thing happened to me. He was older and wiser and felt after less than a year that he wanted to marry me. I was 22 and just beginning my independent life. There was no prior discussion. Just a question as to whether I'd marry him if he proposed. I said no, I was too young, I wasn't ready for M. After a brief time together where everything was just perfect (for me), he walked out of my life and went NC. It hurt like crazy. The funny thing is that had we kept seeing each other for a couple more years, I'd have married him without hesitation. My fears at the time were about whether or not I would be a good wife to him or anybody but I never told him that. I didn't get a chance.

 

Instead, he married someone else and regrets it today. Stupid, stupid stuff. I didn't take him seriously enough to make a counter proposal. It doesn't matter what I explained, in that moment all he heard was a rejection.

 

You need to think about this seriously. Do you love this man? If you do, then you must accept his proposal in principle agreeing to be engaged for say 3 years while you sort whatever it is you need to sort out. For me, it was finishing university, becoming confident that I could be a wife, having a few years living on my own. If on the other hand you really think you should marry at 30, then let it go. Don't ask to be his friend. He wants all or nothing and really what matters to him is that you see him as your husband now if only by engagement. The minute you say no to someone, the reasons just don't matter. It's a NO. Funny enough, if you say YES but.... The other person then feels they made the right decision to propose but that you both need to be practical. All they hear is the YES. I wish I knew that then.

 

Take your time (not too much) and decide what you want. I doubt that you want to be just friends. If you want him, then you must find him and tell him that. The dates and other details will be discussed later.