Torn Apart,Beyond devastated

[Sentient6]

Hey everybody,

 

About two weeks ago me and my gf of 4 years finally decided to break up for a ridiculous reason: her going out and getting drunk(I was the dumper). Although this was seemingly the cause of the break up, there was a whole story behind it.

 

For about two years now since I've gone to college(I'm 21 and she's 20), i was in and out of this relationship meaning that I wouldn't want to go out with her, we would meet up about 1-2 times a week(we used to be together every single day the first 2 years), we would mostly stay home whenever we would meet up and our sex life hasn't been so good lately. She often complained to me about all this but I never really tried to change my mind and fix them (being dumb,selfish and almost sure that she would never dump me whatever I would do).

 

Anyway, it has really been lately one of those relationships that everyone can see that it can't work but the people involved in it just can't see things the right way,logically.

 

In general I think I stopped being in love with her since I have gone to college. I never stopped loving her though, and I sincerely believe that love, affection and the fact that we cared for each other are the things that kept us together and prevented us from breaking up up to now.

 

Breaking up was a very saddening decision and I was feeling beyond devastated by the whole situation for 3 days of NC even though i was the dumper.

 

Anyway, 3 days after the break up and having talked to a lot of friends about what to do I decided to call her and try to work things out. I told her that i realize all of my mistakes the last two years, that my actions were the ones that led to this situation, that i was responsible for the fact that we were like an old married couple staying in and never getting out of the house and that i would really try to change for her so we could be together again in a good, healthy relationship.

 

She told me that she would think about it while she's away and that she would call me when she returns(she left next day to go to her college and she returned after 11 days for Christmas). We had a really passionate kiss and then i left.

 

She finally returned yesterday but didn't call me. I was so busy yesterday that in fact her not calling me worked really great for me. Today, i waited all day for her to call me but she just wouldn't. So i decided to call her. She said that she was asleep all day long because she was a little sick and this is the reason why she didn't call me.

 

When i finally asked her what her decision was she told me: "I'm very afraid,my mind is clouded and dazed but I can't go through this again having you treating me this way so I think that it would be better for both of us if we stayed apart".

 

I tried to convince her that my intentions were good, that I really changed my mind having thought a lot about the whole thing those 11 days while she was way, that I was willing to do anything to be with her again and that she had to give me and our relationship a second chance.

 

She replied "Those last two years were full of second chances for you. I really want to believe you, I still love you, but i just can't go through this again.I'm so afraid that if we do get together again, this would end really painfully for both of us and especially for you because I don't know if I have to give anything to this relationship anymore."

 

That last phrase felt like a ton of bricks had fallen upon me head.i tried to stay calm and I said "ok, of this is what you want then i have nothing more to say, i wish you the best and Merry Christmas" and i hung up..

 

I'm devastated. I really wanted to change things between us,correct all my mistakes. I am willing to do whatever she wants to bring her back to me, I even thought about going on a short vacation for Christmas and about buying engagement rings.

 

I really feel torn apart. Any opinions or advice?? Sorry for the long post. I'd love to hear something from you guys. It would really help.

Edited December 18, 2011 by Sentient6

[wilsonx]

So for the past 2 years you were unhappy with the relationship, then she did something that caused the final straw, going out and getting drunk and you ended it.

 

I do not see what the problem is here. Actually I do but you need more time to reflect on it

[Sentient6]

You are right wilson. Indeed for the past 2 years I was unhappy with our relationship, being kind of carried away by the so called "college life"(how stupid and immature was I?)..

 

In the first post I mentioned that her going out and getting drunk may have caused the final straw but there was this whole thing behind my final decision of calling it off. I was in and out of the relationship and she was always upset and sad about it. So we had many many fights very often that seriously damaged our relationship. But despite all this, she wouldn't break up with me. And me neither.It was a very complicated situation and giving specific details about our every day life and fights would take ages:confused:

 

Of course, we could have broken up many times before but we just didn't because deeply the love was still there(Of course I don't believe that this is enough for a relationship to go on but in our case I think it worked up to now).

 

But as I took my time to look upon things while she was away I came to realize that I was a total idiot all this time, constantly being wrong and making mistakes, that this girl did everything for me and loved me(maybe too much..and maybe this was the source of my bad behavior those 2 years) while I did nothing for her and that if I really wanted her back I should really try to change for good.

 

It's like what they say, that : "You will only realize the real value of sth or someone when when you lose it" and I seriously believe that this is the case with me.

 

So my question is: Can I get her back and what is it that I should do to achieve it??? Please any advice is welcome:)

Edited December 18, 2011 by Sentient6

[thepedestrian]

Man, it sounds like you messed this one up big time. You're the one who needs time to fix yourself and your problems. If she comes back to you she comes back to you.

 

That last phrase felt like a ton of bricks had fallen upon me head.i tried to stay calm and I said "ok, of this is what you want then i have nothing more to say, i wish you the best and Merry Christmas" and i hung up..

 

"Sorry for putting you through that. I wish there was a way to prove to you I've changed for the better" probably would have gotten you alot further. You didn't even apologize for putting her through that off and on **** for two years.

 

she had to give me and our relationship a second chance.

 

She doesn't HAVE to give you anything. She doesn't owe you anything. You broke up with her over and over again.

 

Edit: Sorry bud, but it sounds like she has to be willing to come back to you. I don't think theres anything you can do it has to be something she wants. Give her some space for now and use this time for some self reflection.

[Cmac]

Seems to me like maybe deep down this is what you both want but maybe you're just too afraid to finally let go?

[Sentient6]

Man, it sounds like you messed this one up big time. You're the one who needs time to fix yourself and your problems. If she comes back to you she comes back to you.

 

I admitted from the start that I had ****** up big time. I told her so and I also said it in my previous 2 posts that I realize what an idiot I've been for treating her this way. But her staying with me even though I was suck a bad bf the last 2 years makes me think positively about her returning back.Shouldn't it?

 

Why do you say that I am the one that needs time to fix my issues? I mean you're probably right but what do you mean? Wait for the sadness to just go away and come back trying again when I feel ready??

 

"Sorry for putting you through that. I wish there was a way to prove to you I've changed for the better" probably would have gotten you alot further. You didn't even apologize for putting her through that off and on **** for two years.

 

I told her those exact words many many times during our conversation..But each time I 'd say something like that she would always remember past incidents and get angry and pissed.

 

she had to give me and our relationship a second chance.

 

She doesn't HAVE to give you anything. She doesn't owe you anything. You broke up with her over and over again.

 

By saying that she had to give me and our relationship a second chance I meant she should really try IMO considering it given the 4 years we 've been together, the great times we shared and the love we felt for each other. Maybe I'm wrong in that, but I honestly did the same thing every time I wanted to break up with her in the past and all those things prevented me (and maybe her also) from calling it off.

 

@Cmac

I think that if I wanted this(even deep inside) I wouldn't feel this way now..It has crossed my mind many times that this might be what I really want but given the fact that i'm more than willing to do everything for her to come back, to correct my past mistakes and live up to my promises makes me instantly reject such thoughts.

 

Really thank you guys for your answers..but what do you think I should now (or maybe next week) to make her give up her fears, believe in me and at least consider to come back??

Edited December 18, 2011 by Sentient6

[lilyblue]

Sounds like you want what you can't have, and are a little panicky. It also sounds like these issues have been going on for a long time, and my bet would be that they would come right to the surface again very quickly if you two did get back together. You've wanted to break up several times, I bet you would want it again.

[M2155]

I felt similar to you at times in that there were a lot of times we probably should have broken up. But I didn't because of all that was invested and we were such a good match blah blah. I would have done anything to make it work intstead of breaking up- but now that we have, I've had time to evaluate everything and realize we would not work. Whatever issues we had with would resurface and we'd be unhappy again. She's probably doing that too.

 

You are both very young and need time to figure out what you need for yourselves as an adult because life is way different from where you started. You are feeling the way people feel after a breakup, scared from the loss and doubting yourself...but everything in your story sounds to me like you would be breaking up if not now, then later. People grow out of relationships. It hurts now but it will be better in the end if she comes back or not. Don't do anything, you both need some space.

[thepedestrian]

Sorry for making the assumptions Sentient, just looked @ what you wrote and maybe should have re-read it before posting.

[Sentient6]

Sounds like you want what you can't have, and are a little panicky. It also sounds like these issues have been going on for a long time, and my bet would be that they would come right to the surface again very quickly if you two did get back together. You've wanted to break up several times, I bet you would want it again.

 

I probably am in panic mode right now indeed. I told her that I cannot guarantee that these issues wouldn't come to the surface again, but I will try my best not to let us get there at all costs.

 

I've wanted to break up several times these last 2 years, but I never did until now. So the next time this will happen if we do get back together I would have to be really devastated and heart-broken to make such a decision again.

 

So most of you suggest that I should take my time to re-evaluate things, stick to NC and not make any quick moves or decisions.

 

Don't you think that it would be good if I only suggested that we met? I mean ending such a relationship by the phone seems a little shi**y and immature to me.

[M2155]

Don't you think that it would be good if I only suggested that we met? I mean ending such a relationship by the phone seems a little shi**y and immature to me.

I dont think there its needed, you're broken up already and you already know where things stand. No need to stir the pot or make it anymore awkward or emotional when you both have already accepted the result. She will ask you to meet if she wants to.

(And there is much worse for shi**y and immature)

[Sentient6]

Thank you all guys for sharing with me your thoughts about my case..I feel so much better today after considering all those things you told me and I can say that I am finding myself coming to realize that maybe THIS is what I really want.

 

Maybe like Cmac said, this is what I wanted deep down from the start and now it's surfacing so that I can see things from another perspective, logically. I still find myself thinking about her 'coz the BU is so fresh but the overall feeling is that I should be happy for all those 4 years and not sad and miserable because it's finally over. The only thing that makes it harder for me is that there are some last things I want her to know about me, about us and how I was viewing our relationship all these years. ( and this why I want to set up a meeting).

 

I'll try to stay positive for now and stick to NC. Maybe I'll break sometime sooner or later and want to speak to her but at least I will REALLY try not to.

[Sentient6]

This morning I woke up and went to my class..I was feeling so fresh and had a talk with almost everybody there, even people that I hadn't spoke to for months!! I was not thinking about her AT ALL and nothing could remind me of her.

 

But by the time I came home (2 hours ago) I simply can't get her out of mind.She's all I'm thinking about.Oh God, I'm so fu**ed up. I feel a really strong urge to call her and suggest that we met but I know this isn't the right thing to do right now. Sh*t! What can I do to help myself feel better?

[Chi townD]

Time....it takes time and a lot of self control. But, one day, you'll wake up and she won't be the first thing on your mind.