Dealbreakers?

[Imajerk17]

eerie_reverie, I honestly felt a bit of anger reading this thread. You've written a couple of threads about you being upset about your boyfriend not saying ILY and it turns out that you don't love him. Selfish on your part. You disagree?

 

I agree with what Ruby Slippers said. No one is stopping you from "saving the world". Your boyfriend isn't. Maybe you're looking for your boyfriend/relationship to give you fulfillment in everything?

Edited December 18, 2011 by Imajerk17

[lululucy]

I think you're confused about what you want and how your bf fits into that. Looking back at the threads you've started, you've been unsure for a long time about what you want -- you know that on paper this relationship is perfect, but you just aren't happy. That isn't a fault of yours or of his but you owe it to both of you to end it so both of you can find total happiness. How would he feel if he knew you had these kind of thoughts? Would he hate knowing that you lied to him about your feelings? I think he would. Do the right thing by both of you and make a new beginning for yourself.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm honestly not intending to rub your face in this, but …

 

One month ago, you were worried about how he hasn't told you he loves you. I asked you if you were certain you loved him, and this was your response:

 

If by love you mean:

 

-want to bang 24/7

-can't stop touching

-want to grow old with

-want his babies

-am 100% mentally committed to

 

then yes, I'd say I am.

 

Love to me is chemical as well as implying a long-term commitment and I'm there on both counts.

 

This is not the first major pendulum swing regarding your level of love and commitment with this relationship.

 

I'm not saying you need to stick with what you said. I do think it's pretty clear that your feelings for your boyfriend are not stable. I don't believe that having a boyfriend who is as smart and ambitious as your are, or more so, is necessarily going to have a thing to do with whether you are happy with him or not. Also, whoever your boyfriend is won't be the deciding factor in whether you fulfill all of your potential in life, even though it seems like a convenient kind of scapegoat at times.

 

I think that maybe your past relationship was intense enough that you didn't care much about your potential during its duration. But maybe that kind of relationship is in your past now.

 

Anyway, it's time to make a COMMITMENT. With YOURSELF. It's not fair to be in a "committed relationship" and constantly have one foot out the door.

[eerie_reverie]

My bf has been out of town and I've been processing your input the past couple of days.

 

On the one hand, this relationship IS everything I've been looking for, everything that I claim to want. I'm well aware that the "love" I felt in the past was probably unhealthy, immature, and what I've got now is a really great thing. I know what's out there, and I'm not missing anything.

 

But on the other hand... I just don't really feel it. I crave an emotional connection... and freedom. The routine that we're in is sucking away at my soul.

 

When I was single, every night, I'd go on a long run. On the way home, I'd pick up groceries, and spend the evening cooking and listening to music. I didn't own a TV, and for a couple of years, I didn't even have the internet. My choices for entertainment were: read a book, study, write.

 

It wasn't much, but I felt like I had a little world away from my corporate-dick-sucking job.

 

Now, every night, I coordinate my movements with my boyfriend. I spend the evenings at his place, cooking dinner and watching hours and hours of TV. I love coming home to him, the way he kisses me in the doorway, how affectionate he is all night, hugging me through The Daily Show and Colbert Report, but I just miss being me. With my thoughts. And my plans, to move away from here, back where I come from.

 

I know I would be throwing a lot away: K and his dark blue eyes, dry sense of humor, adorable nieces. A job that feels like home.

 

But it's not enough.

 

I want to be reinvented.

[Standard-Fare]

This situation really sounds like a tough call.

 

I think you should look at yourself realistically and determine whether these stirrings are just part of your nature. Are you the type of person who maybe ALWAYS feels a little discontent -- who's always wondering about the other side of the fence and whether that would be better? And no judgment if you are... I think a lot of people are like this. (I'm one of them. When I was in college I always wondered about transferring schools; when I'm secure in one job I'm always on the Internet scouring for others. I've recognized that this is a pattern, and I bring it to relationships.)

 

If this behavior and sort of self-questioning is not run of the mill for you, then you probably have more reason to trust it. But if you determine that you ARE this type of person, you do want to think hard about what you'd be giving up and whether things are going to be so ideal on the other side.

 

At the moment, or at least as you've expressed them here, your goals sound a little abstract. You want a less materialistic lifestyle, you want to find more meaning, you want a higher connection with your partner. These are lofty notions and they're admirable, but you need to think about 1) how and even IF your current lifestyle is holding you back from them, and 2) concrete steps you could take to achieve them.

 

As strangers offering you advice, I think most of us would feel more comfortable urging you to "take the leap" if you had firm ideas of where you were going. For example, if you wanted to go back to school for a specific program in another city -- and you knew your relationship was unlikely to last through that experience -- the clear answer might be to end things. But you have to make sure you're not just blindly obeying a vague sense of discontent, while seeking an equally vague notion of self-fulfillment.

[Ruby Slippers]

I get the whole angsty romance of what you're expressing here, but really, this all comes down to you.

 

If you're bored with how you're choosing to spend your time, choose to spend it in a different way. Your boyfriend isn't twisting your arm and making you sit on the couch with him every night watching TV.

 

If you were using him as a human teddy bear for a while and are bored with him now, I guess it's best to toss him away sooner than later. But if you do actually love him, keep in mind that he's probably capable of being more than a human teddy bear to you -- if you want to let him.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, regardless of the characteristics of your boyfriend or even of your relationship, it sounds like you are not in the right place to be in a serious relationship today.

 

Some of your choice of language troubles me. Specifically, "I just miss being me."

 

I hope you know that you MUST be "you" no matter what relationship you are in.

 

Also, it's possible to have a lot of personal space in a relationship. I mean, you could still spend many evenings alone, if you were in a relationship with a man who would accept that. I am a writer and there is NO WAY I could function without many hours of time to myself. Why don't you stay by yourself 2 or 3 (or 5) nights a week, if he is okay with it?

 

I also sense an element of scapegoating here. I don't think it's conscious, but I believe it's serving you to think that this relationship is somehow keeping you tied to a place, a job, a lifestyle you don't want to be stuck with. I wonder, if you break up, whether you will fulfill the dreams that you feel are currently being thwarted.

 

Regardless of that, based on posts like this one, I still think you are not in the right place to be building a deep, lasting, long term relationship. Whatever path your life is going to take in the next few years, it's not really fair to be with someone you are not sure you want to be with, no matter why.

[Nexus One]

My bf has been out of town and I've been processing your input the past couple of days.

 

On the one hand, this relationship IS everything I've been looking for, everything that I claim to want. I'm well aware that the "love" I felt in the past was probably unhealthy, immature, and what I've got now is a really great thing. I know what's out there, and I'm not missing anything.

 

But on the other hand... I just don't really feel it. I crave an emotional connection... and freedom. The routine that we're in is sucking away at my soul.

 

When I was single, every night, I'd go on a long run. On the way home, I'd pick up groceries, and spend the evening cooking and listening to music. I didn't own a TV, and for a couple of years, I didn't even have the internet. My choices for entertainment were: read a book, study, write.

 

It wasn't much, but I felt like I had a little world away from my corporate-dick-sucking job.

 

Now, every night, I coordinate my movements with my boyfriend. I spend the evenings at his place, cooking dinner and watching hours and hours of TV. I love coming home to him, the way he kisses me in the doorway, how affectionate he is all night, hugging me through The Daily Show and Colbert Report, but I just miss being me. With my thoughts. And my plans, to move away from here, back where I come from.

 

I know I would be throwing a lot away: K and his dark blue eyes, dry sense of humor, adorable nieces. A job that feels like home.

 

But it's not enough.

 

I want to be reinvented.

 

You know...lately I've been thinking about quitting everything, hypothetically that is. My job, business...everything, and just move to the middle of nowhere, like somewhere deep in the Russian woods or some place similar. I'd bring some tools, a lifetime supply of food, build a wooden house, find myself a woman and live like couples did in ancient times. No bills, no demanding job, no tv, no internet, no phones.

 

The last time when I was off the grid, earlier this year when I was in the Alps, I didn't miss my computer or internet. And tv, I hardly watch it anymore anyways. And I couldn't be bothered with my phone either.

 

Sure, a life like that could be hard at times, but I think it would allow for a deeper emotional connection with your SO. We'd live for each other. It also seems romantic and perhaps it sounds more romantic than it actually is though, but I can't say that I'm not curious about how living like that would be.

[Standard-Fare]

You know...lately I've been thinking about quitting everything, hypothetically that is. My job, business...everything, and just move to the middle of nowhere, like somewhere deep in the Russian woods or some place similar. I'd bring some tools, a lifetime supply of food, build a wooden house, find myself a woman and live like couples did in ancient times. No bills, no demanding job, no tv, no internet, no phones.

 

The last time when I was off the grid, earlier this year when I was in the Alps, I didn't miss my computer or internet. And tv, I hardly watch it anymore anyways. And I couldn't be bothered with my phone either.

 

Sure, a life like that could be hard at times, but I think it would allow for a deeper emotional connection with your SO. We'd live for each other. It also seems romantic and perhaps it sounds more romantic than it actually is though, but I can't say that I'm not curious about how living like that would be.

 

"Catcher in the Rye" much?

 

I think most people have fantasies like this about "living off the grid," "a simpler life," etc etc. And I'm not saying they're not valid. But I think a lot of the time that's the extent of what they are -- fantasies. Romantic imaginings of what your life would be like if you turned it completely upside down. I have these thoughts myself.

 

But I think that old, dumb expression is also good to remember: "Wherever you go, there you are." You can never truly start from scratch. You can change your environment but you will never be a brand-new person with a 100 percent fresh perspective. You'll always have your personal history, your habits, your flaws, your interests, your complicated connections to other people.

 

I'm not saying that people are always just STUCK in their present realities and can't make any changes. I just think it's appropriate to apply a dose of realism to the "I'm going to start over" fantasies.

[Wolf18]

You know...lately I've been thinking about quitting everything, hypothetically that is. My job, business...everything, and just move to the middle of nowhere, like somewhere deep in the Russian woods or some place similar. I'd bring some tools, a lifetime supply of food, build a wooden house, find myself a woman and live like couples did in ancient times. No bills, no demanding job, no tv, no internet, no phones.

 

The last time when I was off the grid, earlier this year when I was in the Alps, I didn't miss my computer or internet. And tv, I hardly watch it anymore anyways. And I couldn't be bothered with my phone either.

 

Sure, a life like that could be hard at times, but I think it would allow for a deeper emotional connection with your SO. We'd live for each other. It also seems romantic and perhaps it sounds more romantic than it actually is though, but I can't say that I'm not curious about how living like that would be.

 

 

I had an experience like that, in HS I was getting into trouble a lot so my mom made me spend the summer at my grandpas ranch for hard labor (he definitely exagerrated the experience though, R Lee Ermie style ), learned so much and indeed you will miss some of lifess little pleasures at first like 8 hours of sleep and a hot shower. But all in all, **** 9-5 cubicle cog in the machine life. I Learned how to ride a horse, riding a horse > watching the boobtube. Shot a bunch of cool guns, shooting real guns > playing Call of Duty. Went hunting for boar/hogs (not for sport, but because they kill livestock and deracinate crops)over a 3 day period with a bottle of scotch around a fire telling dirty jokes, knowing danger lurks around any corner, then having one of those bastards within spitting distance of you to the point where it's you or him > playing paintball. Going into town on the weekend with a massive appetite for pizza/burgers enjoying every bite like scooby doo when he gets high and they give him his scooby snacks, then on top of that having fun with the easy going, cute local girls that are intrigued by you because they've never seen you before > drowning my misery in booze surrounded by unattainable, bitchy city women.

Edited December 20, 2011 by Wolf18

[snowflakes88]

Let him go. I don't even post here regularly, but I post often enough to recognize that almost every thread you start is a problem/issue/complaint about your relationship. You don't seem happy at all.

[zengirl]

First, I agree with what Ruby has been saying about these choices being yours, rather than a product of your relationship. All of her posts in this thread are things I would echo. Your boyfriend isn't forcing you into this lifestyle, and if you want to change your life BUT haven't made any move to or told him, you cannot blame him or think he'd hold you back. Maybe he would try to, maybe he wouldn't---maybe he wants what you want, maybe he doesn't. But until you figure out what you want, make steps towards it, and express yourself to him, you'll never really know.

 

On the one hand, this relationship IS everything I've been looking for, everything that I claim to want. I'm well aware that the "love" I felt in the past was probably unhealthy, immature, and what I've got now is a really great thing. I know what's out there, and I'm not missing anything.

 

But on the other hand... I just don't really feel it. I crave an emotional connection... and freedom. The routine that we're in is sucking away at my soul.

 

I find it interesting that you have two very distinct and contrary needs expressed here: connection and freedom.

 

Connection . . . a desire to get closer to your partner.

Freedom. . . a desire for space from your partner.

 

Both can, of course, exist in a great relationship, and generally do. But they will ebb and flow with each other.

 

Really, I think your unhappiness has little to do with him. Which doesn't mean he's the guy for you. It just means: No one is ever going to "make" you happy. It doesn't work that way. If you have so many issues making you unhappy, how can you tell what you really feel here? My advice would be not to break up with someone simply because you're feeling restless, but rather figure out what would make you feel happier about your life. At the same time, don't take too long, or you're stringing him along.

 

And that's what it sounds like to me: restlessness --- with your whole life, not just your relationship. Believe me, I've been there. If you want to change your life, my suggestion is: Change your life. It really isn't that hard once you figure out what you want.

 

When I was single, every night, I'd go on a long run. On the way home, I'd pick up groceries, and spend the evening cooking and listening to music. I didn't own a TV, and for a couple of years, I didn't even have the internet. My choices for entertainment were: read a book, study, write.

 

It wasn't much, but I felt like I had a little world away from my corporate-dick-sucking job.

 

Now, every night, I coordinate my movements with my boyfriend. I spend the evenings at his place, cooking dinner and watching hours and hours of TV. I love coming home to him, the way he kisses me in the doorway, how affectionate he is all night, hugging me through The Daily Show and Colbert Report, but I just miss being me. With my thoughts. And my plans, to move away from here, back where I come from.

 

You can carve out a place for the things you want to do, whatever they are. I mean, assuming your BF is a reasonable person, you saying, "I miss taking long runs and reading. I'm going to start doing that," will elicit a, "Sounds good, honey," rather than some kind of resistance. I seriously doubt he's making you coordinate with him---it's something women just usually start doing and then grow to resent. It's an interesting thing (some men do it to, but women do it more). Take some space if you needed.

 

I want to be reinvented.

 

The passive tense is a problem. If you want to reinvent yourself, you're going to have to do it. It won't happen to you.

[Els]

 

Both can, of course, exist in a great relationship, and generally do. But they will ebb and flow with each other.

 

You can carve out a place for the things you want to do, whatever they are. I mean, assuming your BF is a reasonable person, you saying, "I miss taking long runs and reading. I'm going to start doing that," will elicit a, "Sounds good, honey," rather than some kind of resistance. I seriously doubt he's making you coordinate with him---it's something women just usually start doing and then grow to resent. It's an interesting thing (some men do it to, but women do it more). Take some space if you needed.

 

 

Amazing advice. I totally echo this. I think you're thinking in terms of extremes, eerie - either you have a partner and you MUST see him everyday, or you remain single and keep your hobbies. Most people I know, myself included, continue to pursue our hobbies through relationships. One of the factors influencing that is indeed a good R - one in which some interests are shared, allowing the overlap of hobby-time and partner-time, and one in which both partners are understanding and not obsessive and allow their partners space. But the other, bigger factor is that you yourself need to consciously decide to do it rather than just throwing in the towel because 'you're in a R so your only choice is to break up or not'. There is a huge, healthy middle ground here.

 

That being said, you really, really do not sound in love with this guy, IMHO. You've been together for less than a year, right? Should still be in honeymoon phase, yet I've seen you express doubts many, many times about this relationship.

[eerie_reverie]

You guys are so awesome. Rs, zen girl, and elswyth, looking at my relationship from the outside, even I agree with the analysis. I am he one making myself unhappy. I don't respect my own boundaries, then resent him for encroaching on my space.

 

Last light was a perfect example of these dynamics at work.

 

He has a couple days off. We were supposed to hang out, but my friend had an emergency appendectomy. I went to visit her in the hospital. He went out to dinner with his sister.

 

It was after 9 by the time I got home. All I wanted to do was cook myself dinner, wrap some presents, and get to bed at a reasonable time.

 

He called to say he was in my area and really wanted to see me. He really missed me, he said, the last couple of days really sucked.

 

He sounded so bummer I relented. As soon as he got to my place, he crawled into bed. We spent at least an hour cuddling before he went to sleep. Meanwhile, I hadn't eaten all day, and it was now past 11. It was well past midnight by the time I cooked myself dinner and crawled into bed.

 

Today is his bday. He took the day off but I couldn't swing it. I stressed before he came over tlast night hat I had to be up early, but as soon as he woke up, he started fondling me.

 

I felt bad denying him sex on his bday, so after complaining about how late I was going to be, I relented again. I was hoping he'd take the hint and make it a quickie.

 

But no. He actually kept saying, "Let's take it slow". I ended up being an hour late this morning. Of course I was pissed.

[Standard-Fare]

I felt bad denying him sex on his bday, so after complaining about how late I was going to be, I relented again. I was hoping he'd take the hint and make it a quickie.

 

But no. He actually kept saying, "Let's take it slow". I ended up being an hour late this morning. Of course I was pissed.

 

Yep, I think you definitely aren't in love with this guy. If you were in love with him, chances are you wouldn't use the word "pissed" to describe a morning slow-sex session on his birthday, even if it did make you late.

 

Proceed accordingly.

[Els]

Yep, I think you definitely aren't in love with this guy. If you were in love with him, chances are you wouldn't use the word "pissed" to describe a morning slow-sex session on his birthday, even if it did make you late.

 

Proceed accordingly.

 

Do you actually live in the real world, dude? Many people actually lose jobs for being late, and most of us can't live on sunshine and orgasms alone, as much as we would like to.

 

Eerie, I'm glad you arrived at the same conclusion yourself. I think you definitely need to start asserting your boundaries, rather than give in for everything and then resent having to do so. You would not necessarily need to deny him sex, just either make it a quick one or raincheck til after work.

 

Something strikes me as strange about what he did, though. What kind of guy insists on a slow sex session knowing that with every minute, he is making his gf late for work? You DID tell him you were late for work, didn't you?

[eerie_reverie]

I had a total meltdown.

 

I'd been drinking all day at a work lazer tag outing, being what my coworkers called a "mean drunk".

 

L was there which always drives me to alcohol. So were S, B, R, W... all of these people with whom I have uncomfortable, fractured relationships. If I had to be there, of course I would drown my akwardness in booze.

 

6 gin-and-tonics later, I made my way home. It was rush hour, and with the additional traffic from Christmas shopping, it was bumper-to-bumper all the* way down the highway. It was raining and I lit a joint, listening to Wilco.

 

"Jesus don't cry. You can rely on me honey. You can come by anytime you want. I'll be around." I started to cry. I didn't know what was wrong but I was crying hard and whatever truth my soul had just recognized was profound and excruciatingly painful.

 

But when I got home, I surprised myself. There was no point in dragging K into this and ruining his bday, so I did a total 180. I grabbed the crock pot I had gotten him out of the backseat, went upstairs, and wrapped it in the living room in Julia's paper. I made a restaurant reservation. I washed my face, put on a short dress, and reapplied my makeup. K came over, made fun of me about the crock pot, kissed me for a while, and we went out, into the chilly night, in search of a platter of Brazillian meats, to drink beer in candlelight. It was a really good time. He told me he was going to get me a vacuum cleaner for my birthday and we talked about our jobs. I asked if he would ever move to California. He made some joke that I don't remember that had me doubled over in laughter all the way home.

 

Something is wrong. Normal people don't get wasted at bowling alleys in the middle of their day, or have meltdowns on the evening commute. But I don't know why I'm so unhappy. Pinpointing it to my boyfriend or job is too simplistic. One might argue I have some self loathing, but it's no more than I ever did, and this hopelessness is new.

 

I've never seriously considered seeing a therapist but right now it seems like a good option.

[Els]

I support the therapist decision. Not saying that you're effed up or anything, but it can only help.

 

Did you feel better about your R after the date night out?

[Imajerk17]

 

L was there which always drives me to alcohol. So were S, B, R, W... all of these people with whom I have uncomfortable, fractured relationships. If I had to be there, of course I would drown my akwardness in booze.

 

6 gin-and-tonics later, I made my way home. It was rush hour, and with the additional traffic from Christmas shopping, it was bumper-to-bumper all the* way down the highway. It was raining and I lit a joint, listening to Wilco.

 

 

Moments of feeling extreme unhappiness are normal. Driving home after 6 G&Ts and a joint though? You also realize how much you put others AND yourself in danger, right?

 

That's selfish and messed up of you. If you are that out of control with your impulses (and from your posts, that is sometimes how you come across frankly), then you seriously need help.

Edited December 21, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Oxy Moronovich]

Moments of feeling extreme unhappiness are normal. Driving home after 6 G&Ts and a joint though? You also realize how much you put others AND yourself in danger, right?

 

That's selfish and messed up of you. If you are that out of control with your impulses (and from your posts, that is sometimes how you come across frankly), then you seriously need help.

I seriously feel sorry for the dude who is dating her.....scratch that, I don't feel sorry for some douchebag I've never met.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ugh. I can so relate to feeling of utter unhappiness and not knowing why.

 

I have those meltdowns often. They happen in front of my boyfriend too. I would just randomly start crying. I am worried that he will leave me because of it. Sometimes I drink few glasses of wine before he gets home just to put on a happy face in front of him. He knows me well by now and says straight away: "You are fake happy now. I hate that." I don't think this relationship is the problem really. I was this way when I was single too (only then I thought it was because I was lonely). My mum says that I always enjoyed being tormented. Except I don't really feel like I am enjoying it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I hope this doesn't anger you … but I get the sense that you are kind of in love with, self indulgent, or prideful about, your emotional condition. You seem to be romanticizing it somewhat.

 

In my experience, this is playing with fire - with your own well being, and that of people you let close to you in life. So, it is kind of irresponsible.

 

Sorry for the lecture, but I am especially appalled that you drove home really drunk and seem to have quite a cavalier attitude about it. If you get a DUI you won't be feeling that it's some kind of novelesque escapade. Worse - if you get in a wreck and cause injuries. My daughter was recently run over in a cross walk by a young drunk woman driver. (She's fine now.)

[Woggle]

If you feel the need to get effed up do it home or at least call a cab. You might end up doing something you can't take back.

[sugarmomma]

Maybe if you stop smoking and drinking for about a year you can gain some clarity. Just my .02 since I know drinking and smoking used to mess with my mind a bit.

[zengirl]

L was there which always drives me to alcohol. So were S, B, R, W... all of these people with whom I have uncomfortable, fractured relationships. If I had to be there, of course I would drown my akwardness in booze.

 

I'm not sure if you realize how problematic this is. Especially the driving home drunk and lighting a joint in the car bit. As someone who's lost people to intoxicated drivers, I am extremely appalled by it on a personal level. Sure, you didn't hurt anyone, but you could have. And none of those people on the roads or their loved ones asked to be brought into your personal drama and have needless, potentially fatal, consequences from it.

 

But beyond the driving lecture, which you'd get from any sane, responsible person, there's something inherently wrong with needing booze like that. That's above and beyond "I'm stressed from a long week and want a beer when I get home" (which is still a problematic way to use alcohol in that it becomes commonplace to 'drown' sorrows, but when in mild and infrequent ways is not going to become a problem). Way above and beyond that. The fact that being around anyone makes you feel you cannot remain cognizant and reasonably sober is quite the problem. What you do by drinking is sustain the potential for pain by numbing it (inappropriately) in the moment.

 

As to the crying, there's nothing really wrong with crying. There's nothing really wrong with having a "meltdown" if you don't endanger others or exhibit destructive behavior (you did, both by driving drunk/drugged AND being a "mean drunk" and likely acting inappropriately at a work event). There's nothing wrong with sharing said feelings with your SO. What's wrong is indulging in them and allowing them to continue to direct your energy and infect your life. We all feel sad, helpless, angry, awkward, etc, sometimes. And crying (depending on the setting - but alone in your car or at home with your SO are both reasonable) is actually a perfectly acceptable outlet at times, as long as it leads to addressing/accepting/acknowledging what led you to cry and fixing what you can.

 

The word "normal" is irrelevant. I don't know what normal people do, but I'll figure it out when I meet one. I can tell you that HAPPY people don't react in any of these ways, so therapy sounds like a great idea. You aren't happy, you're engaging in destructive behaviors because of it, and you're in over your head. That's one of the things therapy is for, and it certainly couldn't hurt to try. You have to try something, and you have to go for something productive (not destructive) if you're going to get to happy. Which is a way better goal than normal. And I mean REAL happy: not happy sometimes but on the verge of meltdown when things go wrong. Happy people may get sad when things go wrong (and things will keep going wrong---that's life!), but they don't meltdown.