eerie_reverie Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 (edited) The couple of days I've been wondering if I'm wasting my time. K's a great guy. He is 6'0 tall with thick dark hair, blue eyes, and long dark curly lashes. He's got a quick-witted, dry sense of humor and is the most affectionate, reliable guy I've ever been with. He's not super-expressive about his feelings verbally, but he treats me in a way that leaves no question. I trust him completely. He's considerate, he has a great job, is well-read, and has a family who really like me. He's a great musician. So what's the problem? I don't think that I love him. Sometimes I do - sometimes the tremendous amount of affection I feel towards him does seem like love. But I have loved someone in the past and there was never any question in my heart about that. No part of me ever wanted to be not with him. With K... I'm content but not fulfilled. We have an awesome relaitionship but when I look toward the future, staying with him feels like giving up on my potential, a chance to find real happiness. There is just not much depth. More problematically, I think I'm smarter than him, which would be fine, except I'm also more ambitious. He is a hard-working, conscientious guy but by his own admission, has never had a passion for anything besides being comfortable. This attitude is a huge turn-off for me. My biggest fear is wasting my life, which I feel like I'm on the path to do in this relationship, in this city, with my current job and my yuppie lifestyle and all the accompanying worries and interests. I think I need to make a big change - am I crazy, or not? Thoughts? Edited December 17, 2011 by eerie_reverie
Woggle Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 Just break up with this guy already. It is obvious you are not into him so just pull off the band aid already.
Wolf18 Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 Ahh, so if I've got this straight : You got the guy everyone wants. You got the job everyone wants. You got the lifestyle everyone wants. ...And you're still not happy? Interesting. Maybe there's more to life than those things. Either that, or I am completely mis-reading womanese and your criticizing the guy because he's not interested in being even more rich.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 17, 2011 Author Posted December 17, 2011 Ahh, so if I've got this straight : You got the guy everyone wants. You got the job everyone wants. You got the lifestyle everyone wants. ...And you're still not happy? Interesting. Maybe there's more to life than those things. Either that, or I am completely mis-reading womanese and your criticizing the guy because he's not interested in being even more rich. No, you got it. Except, none of this was ever what I wanted.
johan Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 You can't ignore your feelings. Others might judge them as ridiculous, or criticize you for wanting more when what you have sounds pretty good. But you have to be with someone you respect. Ultimately you will probably find that the things you think you want aren't what you really need to be satisfied. But you can't force yourself to feel satisfied when you aren't. Whether you can be happy with someone is as much chemical as it is practical.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 17, 2011 Author Posted December 17, 2011 What is it that you want? To feel inspired. To have more to look forward to than concerts and hockey games. I hate the consumer-centricity of my existence. I want do work that I am passionate about instead of work that pays the bills for some s!ht that doesn't even strike a chord with me. And if I can't share thoughts like this with him, I don't think there is much to my relationship except having someone to go out to eat with and joke with and sleep with at night. We're not on the same page when it comes to the meaning of life.
manup Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 Please break up with him, he sounds like a good guy and he at least deserves a chance to find a girl that actually likes him. Eventually you might look back when your older and less attractive and think damn I'm lonely but at least then you'll appreciate a guy like him more.
Cee Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 I think you are describing a major incompatibility. It might simply be a timing issue in that he is settled and you are searching. Or perhaps you don't match in terms of challenging and inspiring each other. So I'd say it's time to let him go. There doesn't need to be a screaming red flag to end a relationship. Sometimes it's only a gnawing dissatisfaction. Or a drifting apart.
Wolf18 Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 To feel inspired. To have more to look forward to than concerts and hockey games. I hate the consumer-centricity of my existence. I want do work that I am passionate about instead of work that pays the bills for some s!ht that doesn't even strike a chord with me. And if I can't share thoughts like this with him, I don't think there is much to my relationship except having someone to go out to eat with and joke with and sleep with at night. We're not on the same page when it comes to the meaning of life. Good for you, not many people, particularly women, have this kind of epiphany. Most people spend their whole lives working towards getting what you have at the moment. The ones who get there, if they have half a brain, end up saying..."so this is it huh". Kind of like when you're a kid and want that shiney expensive toy, realize that it sucks and end up playing with the box instead. Date who you want to date, not what your girlfriends might think is the best option or gives you the most status. Work a job that is more satisfying (if it's available) even if it pays less. It might feel like you're the only person who feels this way, and may get people calling you crazy for it, but trust me you're not alone and it's definately worth it in the end.
monkey00 Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 There is just not much depth. More problematically, I think I'm smarter than him, which would be fine, except I'm also more ambitious. He is a hard-working, conscientious guy but by his own admission, has never had a passion for anything besides being comfortable. This attitude is a huge turn-off for me. My biggest fear is wasting my life, which I feel like I'm on the path to do in this relationship, in this city, with my current job and my yuppie lifestyle and all the accompanying worries and interests. I think I need to make a big change - am I crazy, or not? Thoughts? I've seen what you stated on the above to failed relationships because there was one person who wanted more from life instead of being stagnant with consistency. I don't know how old you are but I assume you are in your 20's. And around that age it's perfectly ok and normal to be ambitious and aim for your passion. It sounds to me like the relationship has gotten stale because your mate isn't challenging you as a person. And you are bored - plain and simple from your stagnant lifestyle. I had a relationship similar to yours also where we broke up because my ex had to get her sh*t together sorta speak, go back to school, change profession, rediscover herself. And in my shoes, she saw that I was set in life and ready to start a family. Maybe that was true one day, but things can easily change or fall apart the next day. I guess the question is can you see yourself pursuing new goals/dreams with him by your side (I can guarantee it will be a challenge for the both of you), or do you simply not see him in the grand picture of your new life/dreams?
DearAbby Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 Grass isn't always greener. Sometimes you leave to find greener grass and end up with a burnt lawn.
cerridwen Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Grass isn't always greener. Sometimes you leave to find greener grass and end up with a burnt lawn. And other times, it's so tremendous, it's a shade of green you never knew existed. I hope you find that kind, Eerie.
mammamia1 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 @Eerie: I'm a woman who shares similar view about life, so I think I understand your situation. My advice is: You should give up on him and pursue what you think would make you happy in life. Have you watched The Revolutionary Road? It scares me to think about ending up that way - living with someone in comfort in a small suburban area, struggling to get out of the monotony but can't. I'm afraid I'd end up killing myself (or killing my dream and ambition, which is equally bad). I can't let that happen, so I gave up on "comfort", non-ambitious guys.
dasein Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 But I have loved someone in the past and there was never any question in my heart about that. No part of me ever wanted to be not with him. Are you sure you haven't simply matured out of the desperation of immature love? I have felt what you describe above, a few times in life, and interestingly enough, like you, I am not with those people now. Is it possible that the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and that the sustainable warm glow perpetuated by conscious choice as opposed to shifting emotions is really where the truth of love lies?
Dust Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 You want to break up with him and quit your job and have an adventure... Maybe the balck pirates will sail to your town and kidnap you...
ditzchic Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Is it possible that the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and that the sustainable warm glow perpetuated by conscious choice as opposed to shifting emotions is really where the truth of love lies? Truer words have never been spoken. Have you ever noticed as you get older and you get out of those relationships where you had the crazy red-hot chemistry, when you look back on them you realize that the emotional roller coaster was really not all that awesome of a ride? Sure hindsight is 20/20 but I'm realizing more and more that when I'm on that roller coaster I am a completely different person. Looking back on it I was almost unrecognizable. That can't be true love. For it to be true, I have to be me.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 I hate the consumer-centricity of my existence. Then why are you doing it? You living a consumer lifestyle is your own choice, right? I want do work that I am passionate about instead of work that pays the bills for some s!ht that doesn't even strike a chord with me. Again, how is having a boyfriend holding you back from this? This is all about you and what you're doing or not doing. And if I can't share thoughts like this with him, I don't think there is much to my relationship except having someone to go out to eat with and joke with and sleep with at night. We're not on the same page when it comes to the meaning of life. Have you ever talked to him about these thoughts? If not, you're not really being honest and showing him who you are (intimacy). This isn't his fault. It sounds like you found a guy to be your filler and nothing more, and now you're disappointed in him for being exactly that. If you want your relationship to change, your life to change... you have to change.
TheFinalWord Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 The couple of days I've been wondering if I'm wasting my time. K's a great guy. He is 6'0 tall with thick dark hair, blue eyes, and long dark curly lashes. He's got a quick-witted, dry sense of humor and is the most affectionate, reliable guy I've ever been with. He's not super-expressive about his feelings verbally, but he treats me in a way that leaves no question. I trust him completely. He's considerate, he has a great job, is well-read, and has a family who really like me. He's a great musician. So what's the problem? I don't think that I love him. Sometimes I do - sometimes the tremendous amount of affection I feel towards him does seem like love. But I have loved someone in the past and there was never any question in my heart about that. No part of me ever wanted to be not with him. With K... I'm content but not fulfilled. We have an awesome relaitionship but when I look toward the future, staying with him feels like giving up on my potential, a chance to find real happiness. There is just not much depth. More problematically, I think I'm smarter than him, which would be fine, except I'm also more ambitious. He is a hard-working, conscientious guy but by his own admission, has never had a passion for anything besides being comfortable. This attitude is a huge turn-off for me. My biggest fear is wasting my life, which I feel like I'm on the path to do in this relationship, in this city, with my current job and my yuppie lifestyle and all the accompanying worries and interests. I think I need to make a big change - am I crazy, or not? Thoughts? I am the same way as you. For me it's the opposite of him; if I'm not constantly challenged I get bored. It can be a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that you are always living with passion; curse in that it can be stressful b/c human beings are by nature creatures of habit. You both have to have the same vision in life. By that I mean you are working towards the same goal. One advantage to him is he can be a solid source for you to lean on when you head into the unknown. From that perspective, he can be the rock that helps you achieve your goals. However, if you are looking for someone to grow with and someone who will challenge you in your new endeavor, it could be a problem. Best of luck!
Els Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Given all of your past posts, eerie, I really do think it's way past time for you to be leaving.
Glove_slap Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 do you think your problem is that you WANT to be mistreated? you have a great guy that's interested in you and you're just willing to give it all up for something that might not ever even happen for you. You must be a teenager or still in your early twenties as I don't find the logic here. Just leave him before you turn him into a complete *******.
daphne Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Are you sure you haven't simply matured out of the desperation of immature love? I have felt what you describe above, a few times in life, and interestingly enough, like you, I am not with those people now. Is it possible that the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and that the sustainable warm glow perpetuated by conscious choice as opposed to shifting emotions is really where the truth of love lies? Who knew you were such a romantic. Despite what people think, I think that's romantic. Or I did. Hell, I don't know anymore.
dasein Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Who knew you were such a romantic. Despite what people think, I think that's romantic. Or I did. Hell, I don't know anymore. I can't take credit for the "burns twice as bright, burns half as long" part. It comes from many places, most recently "Blade Runner" just before Roy kills Tyrell. I do believe the truth of it.
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