Cheated on wife, time to move on???

[FSM]

Me and my wife have been together for 5 years, married for two. Shortly after getting married I had an affair with a woman that went on for about 4 months. Then I slept with another woman once, and almost another.

 

This all happened a while ago and a few months ago I confessed. She made it public by putting the information on Facebook and told just about everyone everything about it.

 

She has since removed numerous female friends from my life, clamped down on who I can spend time with, and refuses to even let me grab a beer with the guys after work on a week night. I feel like a prisoner and she's the warden.

 

She says she wants to make it work and we started counseling recently. I'm trying to cooperate but being on house arrest is driving me insane. I'm starting to resent her for it, yet I can understand why she's doing it.

 

Is it time to just move on? We don't have any kids and could make a clean break. I love her, but after the damage I've caused and now with everyone in the know I just feel like we've hit the end of the road.

 

Thoughts???

[stillafool]

Yes. You will probably end up cheating again so it's best to move on before you have kids.

[bentnotbroken]

Yup...I agree. Leave her. She deserves so much more. She will need counseling to learn to trust again, but she can make it. Sounds like you are best at being single. It takes a certain level of maturity to be able to cause a crap storm and stick around to clean it up. Does not appear you are up to the task.

[Mr_Confused]

Do you know why you keep cheating?

[FSM]

What have YOU done to address why you cheated?

 

Unless you address it, you'll just go on to repeat the same with your wife or the next woman.

We're going to counseling, but also individual counseling. I know I need it.

[FSM]

Do you know why you keep cheating?

I feel like I'm a sex addict, but 'sex addict' has always just sounded like such a BS way of saying 'I have no self control'.

[FSM]

I can see where you'd want to move on. Owning up to your mistakes and working to make it better is hard. It's much easier to try to walk away and not have to face the disapproval of friends and family...not have to do the hard work that will be required so trust can be rebuilt and the M can be strengthened.

 

I mean it's really up to you, but here's the thing...you can walk away and start fresh. You can move on and try love again with someone else...someone who doesn't know you or your past...whose family and friends might think you're as charming as your W's once did. But you can't leave YOU behind and you're the problem here bottom line. So unless you figure out what's going on with YOU, you'll be right back here again.

 

If you're incapable of fidelity, why promise it? It's okay to look for a like minded partner who would enjoy an open relationship. Or is this an extra-curricular activity you'd like to keep for yourself?

 

You sound very selfish and self absorbed to me. Sorry, not trying to knock you, but to feel the way you do about your current lack of freedom, not understanding that it takes years, not months, for someone to overcome the pain of infidelity...you're not remorseful. Not at all. You appear to lack empathy and can't possibly understand the pain and betrayal your W is feeling.

 

If you want to be trusted, you have to be trustworthy and I just don't think you have it in you. Not based on what you've said so far. Not without help...will you get help?

I understand that mending this would take years. But at the same time, am I supposed to give up my friends and any sense of independence or freedom? Tell me how a relationship would be rebuilt while I'm breaking down mentally in my cage?

 

No one's talking to me, we had mostly mutual friends who aren't speaking to me. I've spoken to my brother in law once, aside from that they've made no contact with me. My wife has stopped talking to my mother and my sister, because they've been cheated on and tried to relate with her and she didn't want to listen to a perspective of forgiveness. She's only speaking to my younger sister who doesn't like me and has stopped talking to me because of this. She says she wants to stay together, but to me her actions indicate that she's associating with people and perspectives of those who tell her to run.

 

You can't tell me I'm not remorseful. I've cried more in the past few months than my entire life. I confessed my wrongs when I had no reason to do so, I wasn't caught, I wasn't going to get caught, I told her because I was remorseful. That's quite a ridiculous assumption for you to make based off a few extremely short posts.

 

As far as help, I've said repeatedly here that I'm going to counseling...

[frozensprouts]

I feel like I'm a sex addict, but 'sex addict' has always just sounded like such a BS way of saying 'I have no self control'.

 

I'm glad that you are getting help, asif you truly feel that you can't control your actions, they will end up hurting a lot of people, including yourself.

 

I can understand why your wife feels that she can not trust you-perhaps counseling and time will help to change that. You have to show her that she can trust you...she probably trusted you completely, and when that's broken, it's not easy to get it back.

 

I realize that you need some time with your friends too...is it possible to compromise here...maybe have her go out for an evening with her friends while you have your friends over to your place? Maybe if the two of you sit down and talk about it, you can come up with some compromises that will work for both of you while the trust rebuilds.

 

whatever you decide, good luck to you and your wife:)

[heartinlove]

In your past posts you say your hearts not in it.

 

You also said things have become boring and routine and you want out.

 

How are you going to have a successful reconciliation if thats what you really feel and go through the years it takes to rebuild a marriage after this?

 

It sounds like that inside all the current trauma you have forgotten about this component of are you really willing to do the work.

 

Are you being honest with her about your true feelings? Why put her through years of pain that may or may not lead to a reconciliation if you're really not really committed?

[Citizen Erased]

I feel like I'm a sex addict, but 'sex addict' has always just sounded like such a BS way of saying 'I have no self control'.

And you got married because?

 

The first time you cheated, soon after you married, probably should have been when you threw in the towel. You definitely should now. You pretty much already have, by seeking out other women, you just have a convenient place to put your feet up at night. That's not a relationship.

[weedsandposies]

None of us are monogamous. Nobody. When we practice it, it's as a choice. We choose to remain faithful to one person because it outweighs being with others. You need to be honest with yourself. Where's your 51%?

Edited December 18, 2011 by weedsandposies

[weedsandposies]

It simply sounds like you have no respect for your wife or marriage and went ahead and did what you wanted to do. I will give you credit for confessing, however. That's just about unheard-of anymore, so I'm impressed that you manned up and told her.

 

Personally, I think this poor gal has signed up for a lifetime of heartache with you.

 

Yes, but I wonder if he confessed hoping she'd be the one to leave thereby saving face with his family.

[findingnemo]

Wow, two affairs and a near miss shortly after you got married? And why does your wife want to work on this M if she has to put you under house arrest?

 

Two things come to mind. The first is that you are definitely not ready for a monogamous R of any kind with your wife. Why did you marry her? Was it because you'd been together for a long time and you felt you should take the next step? Did you marry her while feeling deep inside that she was not your best choice? Basically, did you marry for the wrong reasons? If yes, then you should leave. Nothing good will come out of this.

 

The second thing is your W. What is the interaction like between the two of you that she thinks she can control you for the rest of your M? What are you telling her that makes her think she could save your M? If you'd told her that you love her but need to sleep with other women, would she be trying so hard? Saying things like 'I love you and those women meant nothing' is bs. It's not true - the other women did mean something enough for you to risk hurting your W over and over. I don't think you lack self-control. I think you lack the ability to be committed to your W. If you told her this, I doubt she'd be trying so hard.

 

I don't think that putting you under house arrest as you put it is a long term solution. It won't work. She'll get tired, loosen up a bit and with new freedom, you'll cheat again and again...and again.

 

Yes, I think you should get a D. If your W can't see that, you must take the initiative and go ahead with it. You'll be doing her a huge favor by allowing her to find love and happiness with someone who can be faithful, while you'll be free to do whatever you want.

[Owl]

Yes, its time to move on...

 

What I don't see in your posts anywhere is any true acknowledgement that you "get it". That you have any understanding of the emotional trauma and devestation that you've heaped upon your wife with your multiple affairs. I don't see anything in your posts that indicate that you realize how horribly you've destroyed her trust and faith in you.

 

I don't see any indication that you regret what you've done.

 

I see resentment with your wife for being your "warden". I see anger that she's not letting you be with your "friends".

 

I don't see any indication of a desire to rebuild her trust/faith in you. I don't see any acceptance that you created this situation of your own accord, I don't see any desire to address the affairs as the issue, rather I see focus on your sense of frustration over "being locked down".

 

Yep...move on.

 

I don't see a basis to rebuild/reconcile a marriage under these circumstances.

[nofool4u]

Me and my wife have been together for 5 years, married for two. Shortly after getting married I had an affair with a woman that went on for about 4 months. Then I slept with another woman once, and almost another.

 

This all happened a while ago and a few months ago I confessed. She made it public by putting the information on Facebook and told just about everyone everything about it.

 

She has since removed numerous female friends from my life, clamped down on who I can spend time with, and refuses to even let me grab a beer with the guys after work on a week night. I feel like a prisoner and she's the warden.

 

While I certainly wouldn't bother with you, controlling what you do or otherwise, spare us the boo hooing here. Man up and accept that this wouldn't be an issue if you weren't a cheater.

 

 

She says she wants to make it work and we started counseling recently. I'm trying to cooperate but being on house arrest is driving me insane.

 

Why? Because you can't go out and stick it to another woman?

 

 

I'm starting to resent her for it

 

Thats nothing compared to her knowledge that you have been inside another woman during your marriage. If anything, IF you want to keep your marriage, I figure you'd be humble and accept your responsibility until such time as she may be able to trust you again. And if that day never comes, then for her sake, its time to move on.

 

 

 

Is it time to just move on?

 

Sure, because you just confessed a few months ago. So its very new to her still. And if you aren't willing to suffer the consequences of what you did to your wife for at least a little while, even a year or better, then you obviously care more about being able to go out and do what YOU want, than your marriage.

 

So sure, set her free. Then you can dip your wick all you like.

 

 

We don't have any kids and could make a clean break.

 

Then yes, make the break. She will be much better off.

 

 

I love her, but after the damage I've caused and now with everyone in the know I just feel like we've hit the end of the road.

 

Thoughts???

 

No, you don't love her. First off you wouldn't have cheated if you did.

 

Second, you don't want to even give this time without complaining about house arrest. Crap, if I had cheated on someone and was not given the pink slip, I'd put myself on house arrest. Whatever it takes to make amends and show what I'm willing to do.

 

You, however, are not willing to do that. Therefore you don't love her. So set her free.

[nofool4u]

We choose to remain faithful to one person because it outweighs being with others.

 

Whats this "we" stuff?

[weedsandposies]

Whats this "we" stuff?

 

ha! i've now joined the ranks of the faithful.

[Steen719]

ha! i've now joined the ranks of the faithful.

Is this like being a virgin again?

[Breezy Trousers]

I feel like I'm a sex addict, but 'sex addict' has always just sounded like such a BS way of saying 'I have no self control'.

 

No, it's not BS and it's not a cop out. Brain research shows sex addiction is actually more powerful than drug addiction. While lots of people have affairs, not all are addicts. For an addict, there's a compulsive quality to pursuing the high -- i.e., needing to act out sexually despite obvious consequences and risks. Much of the 'high' isn't about the orgasm but about the illicit thrill-seeking process of procuring the hit. That's where the high actually is.

 

There's massive denial about sex addiction because, in case you haven't noticed, sex permeates nearly everything in our culture. Yes, sex is great and it's natural, but not when it's out of balance with the rest of your life, involves deception and routinely hurts others. Only addiction does that.

 

My husband has been in Sex Addicts Anonymous for 10 years. S.A. was more powerful help to us than marriage counseling and, best of all, it was free. As a B.S., I also got support from its co-group S-Anon. Our marriage was transformed. We would have lost 10 wonderful years had it not been for S.A. restoring DH back to himself. He helps others now, and many are professionals who have already lost their families and sometimes careers to acting out. Feel free to PM me if you ever want more info.

 

I haven't read your past posts but if you're not into this marriage and you resent having to be accountable to your wife, you are either with the wrong person, or are protecting a sex addiction, or are too self centered to sustain a true relationship with another human being, or are one of those folks who is simply not designed for matrimony. Either way, sounds like you're an unhappy man and probably no fun to be with. Get some help or leave your wife so she can find a new dance partner. Infidelity is abuse.

Edited December 20, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[Breezy Trousers]

Yes, but I wonder if he confessed hoping she'd be the one to leave thereby saving face with his family.

 

This is an excellent point. It sometimes happens that men don't leave but will go to ridiculous lengths to set everything up to push their partner over the edge. The partner walks away, believing SHE made the decision to leave. .... I guess it's all part of poor conflict resolution, which seems to be the common denominator for WS.

Edited December 20, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[nofool4u]

ha! i've now joined the ranks of the faithful.

 

Sorry, you said choose to "remain" faithful. You already were unfaithful, and a cheater. Therefore there is no "remaining" about it.

[2sunny]

What exactly have you dinero repair the damage you caused?

 

What have you learned in counseling - what was the reason you justified harming someone you said you loved? What are you planning to do when you are tempted next time?

 

If you can't say out loud why you did it - how you're repairing it - and what the plan is next time you're tempted - you have so much work to do.

[despicableME]

ha! i've now joined the ranks of the faithful.

 

Whoa there, buckaroo. Its not as easy as that. You were pretty much compelled-by people from this forum-to come clean.

[sdc]

It's simple...you don't have the life enriching bond with your wife that both of you individually need.

 

Don't let both of you try to fight to fit square pegs in round holes...Project yourself 10 years ahead from now in your mind .

 

you will not regret the love and affection you felt in the relationship..

 

AND you will both learn and take a great deal from your experience... Let it go...and don't phone her up at 10 to midnight..with some dumb excuse:-) .. your MARRIAGE is over and as there is no other woman in the vicinity you can do this gracefully and with love.....

 

I don't think you are a sex addict...I think you are just a guy who has done what many have done before. and will do for all time.

 

Don't beat yourself up but also don't under estimate that women, no matter how much you think they will crumble, or how much YOU HATE TO HURT them, we do endure!:-)

[Lauriebell82]

I'm glad you are getting help. I don't think your a sex addict, you just aren't cut out for marraige. A lot of people aren't. They can't commit to one person and will always feel the need to seek the rush of being involved with someone else. Maybe that's just the way you are. It's not a GOOD thing however, and if you do want to change then counseling is the way to go.

 

I would say cut your losses, obviously your wife is not ACTUALLY willing to forgive you or else she wouldn't have you on lockdown. She's essentially trying to make the marriage work while at the same time still being pissed off, resentful, and angry. No relationship is going to be able to work with that kind of conflict.

 

Please don't enter into another relationship or marriage without working through what your issues are with monogomy. Avoid hurting another woman like you have your wife.