flutterbykiss Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Hi Imperfect, I've danced this jig a thousand times with unavailable guys....they weren't in other relationships, but just like a lot of MM...the same applies...they are not that into you. They like you well enough for sex, ego stroke, companionship etc...but it is ALL on a SOMETIMES basis....ALWAYS on THEIR terms and they are in no way trying to form a substantial, mutually beneficial, emotionally open relationship with you. They come and go as they please, they don't prioritize you, and when you complain or pull stunts like NC...they may panic and turn up the affection and apologize and do little things that seem like they've changed but once you've taken them back....things go back to normal. After a while they know the jig...they know that yea blah blah, you'll be mad...just say sorry, text, call, visit frequently for a while and make things SEEM like I've changed then...once she stops complaining.... continue as before. I realized all I did was talk. I would reprimand, nag, be mad and ignore for a while but then I'd come around after begging and apologizing, with the logic that well why would he chase me and beg and plead and all this if he wasn't serious??? He has to mean it...he's just confused....he just doesn't understand...I just need to explain how his bad behavior makes me feel and then he will get it and finally stop. NO! These men are not idiots or kids like some of us treat them....like explaining our hurt/disappointment/anger a thousand times is going to help...it won't...it's not a lack of understanding, it's a lack of care. They get it....but you're ALLOWING it...so as humans...we're often selfish...if we can get what we want without giving much in return....we will! These men might get that you don't like xyz....but if you stick around or argue but are still around...they figure, you don't hate it that much and they don't need to change. There's no need to tell him bye....you admitted he knows the drill and is pretty smug right now knowing you are weak for him. Turn the tables. Just stop talking to him, stop responding, don't see him....and keep it that way! I think the problem is, we secretly want them to come around....so we send dramatic goodbye emails/texts etc hoping that it will melt their heart and they will realize they don't want to lose us So we're scared to just leave without a word....even after 8423725 times of being treated badly! The difference comes when you stop wanting them and decide FOR YOURSELF to just walk away. No ulterior motives, not hoping they'll come following you, no guilt trip on them or yourself. Simply deciding you're done and going NC forever/until you don't care. If it is "meant to be"...then that person will make those changes and it won't be a sham like before, if not...they may still try to contact you....with the SAME situation, not because they've changed, but because they're wondering if they can wear YOU down to stoop to their level. Nicely explained Miss Bee It's damn hard to give up on a man like this if you still hold any hope that he could ever be different. Angel, you have made a really positive step by realizing that there is no magic cure. Maybe, for a bit of extra incentive, try imagining how you will feel in 5 years time if this man is still messing with you the way you know he will if you let him. I bet that 'doormat with no confidence is not what you want for yourself. And, since 'running to' is easier than 'running from', I suggest focusing on some new, exciting goals to help build yourself into the woman you do want to be in five years. Learn a language, take a course, start dancing classes, piano lessons, wall-climbing, jogging, whatever; anything that is a step towards the person you want to be five years from now. Taking positive action and shifting your focus onto your own future will not only help you leave Mr return-your-calls-when-I-feel-like-it behind, it will re-build your self confidence and give you daily motivation. You only get one life and it should be about you - not accessorizing his existence.
MissBee Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Nicely explained Miss Bee It's damn hard to give up on a man like this if you still hold any hope that he could ever be different. Angel, you have made a really positive step by realizing that there is no magic cure. Maybe, for a bit of extra incentive, try imagining how you will feel in 5 years time if this man is still messing with you the way you know he will if you let him. I bet that 'doormat with no confidence is not what you want for yourself. And, since 'running to' is easier than 'running from', I suggest focusing on some new, exciting goals to help build yourself into the woman you do want to be in five years. Learn a language, take a course, start dancing classes, piano lessons, wall-climbing, jogging, whatever; anything that is a step towards the person you want to be five years from now. Taking positive action and shifting your focus onto your own future will not only help you leave Mr return-your-calls-when-I-feel-like-it behind, it will re-build your self confidence and give you daily motivation. You only get one life and it should be about you - not accessorizing his existence. Beautifully said! I love this You only get one life and it should be about you - not accessorizing his existence. But it's all true....she is really an accessory to his existence. Not vital. And I doubt he is at home or on a forum, worried about this situation. Thinking of the bigger picture and where YOU want and need to be and doing stuff for YOURSELF does help you move away from this person. The more you get into you, it's easier to see what's good for you and easy to discard what isn't. It's much harder to leave him alone when you don't have other goals and activities you're actively pursuing.
flutterbykiss Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 It's amazing how some of the posters here are obviously the betrayed spouse, and post to the OW/OM forum as some kind of poke back at the cheaters to feel better or to save them from themselves. I will give the betrayed ones a hint..some lessons people have to learn the hard way.Now, I can see this behavior if the cheating posters are posting their emotional problems on the infidelity board, but isn't this forum supposed to be theirs? It's kinda like a gay hater going onto the gender/sexuality forum to pick a fight with the LBGT community. I suppose the OP can sift through the haters and find an occasional helpful post. Don't bet on it. There are plenty of fOWs around here who are will advise an OW to leave her A. Yes, this is a support forum for OW/OMs but that's not the same as a back scratching committiee. We aren't all here crowing and congratulating each other on our EMAs. IMO, this forum exists for OW/OM to discuss the concerns, fears and problems that they cannot confide to others in their daily lives because of the stigma attached to being an OW/OM. We support each other - not necessarily the A - and sometimes part of that support is advice to leave a situation that is destructive to the OW/OM involved. After all who knows better than a fOW just how damaging an A can be to the OW.
Author imperfectangel Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 Thank you for all the replies they really are helping me to keep a level head. I'm dying to text him - tell him how much he's hurt me and how I've had enough etc but I'm trying very hard not to it isn't easy for me. We haven't even had dday but already I feel like I'm under the bus
Owl Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Here is what you need to keep in mind. He already knows that you're hurting. But...realistically...it doesn't matter enough to him for him to effect any real change in the situation. His goal is different than yours. You're wanting a full blown relationship to result from all of this. He wants to maintain the status quo...having both you and his wife meeting various different desires in his life. That's it. You're getting all that he's willing to invest into this. That's why so many advocate that you take the control of the situation back into your own hands. No need to send an NC message...that's already been done. At this point...you need to take active measures to BLOCK HIM from breaking NC at his convenience. Change your number, change your email/IM addresses. PREVENT him from cotnacting you, and you from contacting him in a moment of weakness. THEN you'll feel stronger...you'll have that confidance you need to deal with everything. Doing anything less than that will simply leave the door open for this to continue as it has. 1
standtall Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 It's amazing to me how posters here automatically assume that BS post out of hate. Could be true for some...not for all. If you have read any of OP's back story, you would know that those "oh so hateful" post are based on that story. . Obviously I struck a nerve. BTW, I never said they were posting out of hate..that is your statement. But alas, the point is lost. Some posters are not helping..that is the point.
bentnotbroken Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Obviously I struck a nerve. BTW, I never said they were posting out of hate..that is your statement. But alas, the point is lost. Some posters are not helping..that is the point. No you said, I suppose the OP can sift through the haters And no you didn't strike a nerve but you did open a can of "WTH?:eek:"
MyApology Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Last friday my ex mm broke nc again I was firm and told him where to go - even rejecting his calls after which he texted me "ouch no need for that" I was v proud of myself I had NEVER rejected a call from him before after this he bega bombarding me with texts telling me how much he wanted me etc and like a idiot I took the bait and gradually came round to him. I told him over text (he lives 50 miles away) how I felt over everything he told me things would be different but even already today I've texted him twice and heard nothing which is when I've just noticed he's only getting in touch late at night. I'm starting to think he's got a new number but still using his old one to contact me with - his w had found texts from me before I feel like such a idiot (again) for falling for his crap (again). I just feel like I'm making the same mistake over and over and esp as its getting close to the holidays I do not want another year of this crap I feel like just going nc but am I expected to tell him or should I just try and go nc again? I alwa send a "goodbye text" which he never replies to and then a few wks later we're back on again so I don't think he takes it seriously anyway Please help me I just want to get over him I know there is no magic cure but I genuinely feel like I need him around my self esteem/confidence is at a all time low Hi, these relationships are sooo difficult and I am understanding exactly what you are going through. One difference I noticed in which you and I are different and not sure if it would help in your relationship dynamic, is i will not wait, no way, weeks on end for a response and then if I get one, go back, am too fiesty and strong willed for that, and MM seems to respect that. When I mention fiesty, I do not mean going bonkers, sending many texts or emails, but be very clear in the ones you do send stating your expectations of exactly what you will put up with and what you absolutely will not in terms of his treatment of you. I thought for sure MM was going to never speak with me, and be angry, but it was exactly opposite.
MissBee Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Obviously I struck a nerve. BTW, I never said they were posting out of hate..that is your statement. But alas, the point is lost. Some posters are not helping..that is the point. Standtall...did you see what imperfectangel....the author of this thread (who I assume is the one best fit to determine whose advice is helpful or not helpful) said? She said...before you even replied just now Thank you for all the replies they really are helping me to keep a level head. I'm dying to text him - tell him how much he's hurt me and how I've had enough etc but I'm trying very hard not to it isn't easy for me. We haven't even had dday but already I feel like I'm under the bus With that said...I think the case is closed really. You being the only one upset here about advice not being helpful and accusing people of essentially being bitter BSs...says a lot more about you...as not even the poster you're "defending" is agreeing with you. How have YOU helped her? You actually have only commented to make digs about BSs and who you think is bitter and haven't even addressed the actual question. I'd turn around what you've said to say: it is obvious those who are simply in favor of people applauding As and who have resentment for those against As, as they always run up in threads pointing out imagined bitter BSs without actually commenting on the problem being addressed. Everyone's advice may not be suitable...hence people have to pick and choose...but that is a far cry from those who seem to have NO advice at all but who get in threads to argue with those they think are on "the other side". Such people seem to have a vendetta against BSs, which they disguise as a concern for the OW/OM all the while offering up no advice themselves to the poster they claim to be concerned about....or the bone they are picking goes unnoticed by said poster who actually does the opposite and thanks posters for their post. For the record, I'm also not a BS;)
bentnotbroken Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 This Loveshack is funny..... . I didn't offer any help to the OP, as I don't have any to give since I have not been in the OP's shoes, I was just making an observation of some of help given from an outside point of view. Also, I'm not upset. I could care less That is why I am checking out of this conversation so the betrayed and other non-cheaters can re-focus their anger upon the OP and not me. Later. Didn't read most posts at all did ya? There were people here responding who have been in OP situation. The only anger displayed was through your posts. The term "haters" was in your first post on this thread and ending with the bolded. Merry Christmas and later.
Author imperfectangel Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 Oh lord well today he called me we were only on the phone for 1 min tops (I was at work) we didn't say much but then when we were saying bye he said "I love you" I told him no you don't and said I had to go. That was it. He text me straight after with "sorry i shouldn't lie like that was getting carried away. I apologise" He's never said that before - even when we did used to speak every day - so why would he do it now? Ugh
Owl Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Because it left you still thinking about him...his goal was accomplished. So...what are you going to do to change this situation?
Author imperfectangel Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 I wanna go nc and I'm trying hard to achieve that but as soon as he clicks his fingers I'm there I am getting a new phone for xmas so hoping that a change of number will work wonders I have already blocked him on msn/email.
jj33 Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I wanna go nc and I'm trying hard to achieve that but as soon as he clicks his fingers I'm there I am getting a new phone for xmas so hoping that a change of number will work wonders I have already blocked him on msn/email. That was the past. Have you ever heard the phrase the past is no guarantee of future performance. The past. You have the ability to stop being a doormat for this guy You need to get MAD really really MAD that someone you loved so much for so long is behaving this way But you cant because you still love him and feeling angry at him in your mind equates to giving up the hope that he will ever see the light But that is not true you can be made at this POS because you deserve better than what he is handing out to you Just block his number. he has taken the better part of your youth. dont let him take any more of it
Spark1111 Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Oh lord well today he called me we were only on the phone for 1 min tops (I was at work) we didn't say much but then when we were saying bye he said "I love you" I told him no you don't and said I had to go. That was it. He text me straight after with "sorry i shouldn't lie like that was getting carried away. I apologise" He's never said that before - even when we did used to speak every day - so why would he do it now? Ugh Wait.....he tells you he loves you as you are hanging up and then.....he tells you it is a LIE!!!! So he doesn't love you but just got caught up in the "heat" of the moment, and YOU ARE OKAY WITH THAT? How DISRESPECTFUL to you and your feelings.....but I guess he can sleep nights telling himself "Well, I told IA the truth and STILL she took my calls and obssessed over what I really meant." Send HIM PACKING.....please.
Recommended Posts