imperfectangel Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 Last friday my ex mm broke nc again I was firm and told him where to go - even rejecting his calls after which he texted me "ouch no need for that" I was v proud of myself I had NEVER rejected a call from him before after this he bega bombarding me with texts telling me how much he wanted me etc and like a idiot I took the bait and gradually came round to him. I told him over text (he lives 50 miles away) how I felt over everything he told me things would be different but even already today I've texted him twice and heard nothing which is when I've just noticed he's only getting in touch late at night. I'm starting to think he's got a new number but still using his old one to contact me with - his w had found texts from me before I feel like such a idiot (again) for falling for his crap (again). I just feel like I'm making the same mistake over and over and esp as its getting close to the holidays I do not want another year of this crap I feel like just going nc but am I expected to tell him or should I just try and go nc again? I alwa send a "goodbye text" which he never replies to and then a few wks later we're back on again so I don't think he takes it seriously anyway Please help me I just want to get over him I know there is no magic cure but I genuinely feel like I need him around my self esteem/confidence is at a all time low
bentnotbroken Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 Last friday my ex mm broke nc again I was firm and told him where to go - even rejecting his calls after which he texted me "ouch no need for that" I was v proud of myself I had NEVER rejected a call from him before after this he bega bombarding me with texts telling me how much he wanted me etc and like a idiot I took the bait and gradually came round to him. I told him over text (he lives 50 miles away) how I felt over everything he told me things would be different but even already today I've texted him twice and heard nothing which is when I've just noticed he's only getting in touch late at night. I'm starting to think he's got a new number but still using his old one to contact me with - his w had found texts from me before I feel like such a idiot (again) for falling for his crap (again). I just feel like I'm making the same mistake over and over and esp as its getting close to the holidays I do not want another year of this crap I feel like just going nc but am I expected to tell him or should I just try and go nc again? I alwa send a "goodbye text" which he never replies to and then a few wks later we're back on again so I don't think he takes it seriously anyway Please help me I just want to get over him I know there is no magic cure but I genuinely feel like I need him around my self esteem/confidence is at a all time low And how does having a man lying to his wife, using a secret phone to contact you help your self esteem and confidence exactly?
LadyGrey Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 Last friday my ex mm broke nc again I was firm and told him where to go - even rejecting his calls after which he texted me "ouch no need for that" I was v proud of myself I had NEVER rejected a call from him before after this he bega bombarding me with texts telling me how much he wanted me etc and like a idiot I took the bait and gradually came round to him. I told him over text (he lives 50 miles away) how I felt over everything he told me things would be different but even already today I've texted him twice and heard nothing which is when I've just noticed he's only getting in touch late at night. I'm starting to think he's got a new number but still using his old one to contact me with - his w had found texts from me before I feel like such a idiot (again) for falling for his crap (again). I just feel like I'm making the same mistake over and over and esp as its getting close to the holidays I do not want another year of this crap I feel like just going nc but am I expected to tell him or should I just try and go nc again? I alwa send a "goodbye text" which he never replies to and then a few wks later we're back on again so I don't think he takes it seriously anyway Please help me I just want to get over him I know there is no magic cure but I genuinely feel like I need him around my self esteem/confidence is at a all time low Both of you are playing games, you send him a goodbye text but he knows you don't mean it because you show him different. YOU allow yourself to get sucked back in. YOU have to decide you are done and stick to it, as hard it is, but you are the only one who can stop it. Just don't respond at all, change your number, block him, do what it takes. Get your power back and stop letting him use you. You both are playing a game, he chases, then when he gets a response, he has the power and he is done till the next time. You are getting something out of it too, you like being chased. Get off the roller coaster. It's up to YOU.
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 He's playing you like a fiddle and you keep letting him back in. He knows exactly what buttons to push and knows you'll eventually cave.. Then he disappears again...EGO FEED. He fishes to see if you'll take the bait, he gets his ego feed and feels good that you still are interested, then poof! He is gone. AGAIN. Not sure how this helps your self esteem issues by allowing a jerk MM to play the cat and mouse game with you.. ? Is the high you get when he pays attention to you, worth it? Then I'm sure you hit a low and feel awful.. Get this over with now. End it and CHANGE YOUR CELL NUMBER so he can't contact you anymore. Make it impossible for him to reach you! You're worth more than this, why settle for shi.t on stick from him?? Your self esteem WILL improve if you can cut him out of your life for good. Once you accept that is over forever and grieve the loss, it's final. Sure that pain will hurt but you'll work through it and come out stronger and happier. Free of this crap you're dealing with now. Get strong and just do it. You don't owe him ANY explanation as the A is over, you're just prolonging it by allowing him to manipulate you.
jj33 Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 Angel dont beat yourself up. Many many people go through this as things are ending but not alot of them admit it. I went through similar things for a long time after the A ended. Learn from the painful experience of others if you can. Just like you dont want it to end and to think that he is not in your life anymore, he doesnt want to accept that either. He doesnt want to leave his wife, but he doesnt want to think he lost you. So he bears the NC as long as he can and then he needs his fix of you. The difference is for him, all he needs is the fix of knowing you are stll there on an emotional level and that you still care for him. And then hes good for awhile. For you its different. When he contacts you, you think he knows how i feel, he knows what I want if he is contacting me he is ready for things to be different, except he is not. In his world, things work differently. This is your life, and its not an audition to be his next wife. If and when he wants to leave, if he wants to contact you, he knows where you are. The best way to show someone you dont want to be in contact with them is not to contact them. Sending him an email telling him how angry and hurt you are is fine if you need to to that to be done. But you do not "owe" him anything. When he contacts you again and you dont respond, all you need to do is ignore ignore ignore. If he calls dont pick up. If you pick up by accident, and he starts his bs, just say have you filed for divorce? he will whitter on about something and all you need to say is then we have nothing to discuss. And hang up the phone. If you do that, you will feel empowered. Very empowered because you are setting the agenda. Think of it this way, if he were a single man, and you didnt want to continue unless he stopped seeing other people, would you keep going back each time he called? No you would not. Dont cut him any slack because he is married. Dont enable him in making you miserable. I know how tough it is. Hang in there. Big hugs
SoMovinOn Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 Change your number, email address, and any other way he had of contacting you.
Gentlegirl Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 HE is the reason your self esteem is so low. The longer you are NC, the more your confidence will blossom. YOu don not need him for that. He is playing games with you to see if he still has "IT"... just a little confidence booster for himself. You don't need to contact him ever again... no obligation at all. AFter all you are not his wife or anything are you? All teh best.. GG
His4Always Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 I don't understand why you would give up on a relationship over not hearing from him for a few days. He might have picked up on that too. Could it be that he knows you are willing to give up on the relationship so easily, and he doesn't want to be hurt again? If your heart tells you to resume the relationship, then resume it with all your heart and do not worry about why he hasn't called. He will call.
LadyGrey Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 I don't understand why you would give up on a relationship over not hearing from him for a few days. He might have picked up on that too. Could it be that he knows you are willing to give up on the relationship so easily, and he doesn't want to be hurt again? If your heart tells you to resume the relationship, then resume it with all your heart and do not worry about why he hasn't called. He will call. What? the op knows this man is toxic and is sucking the life out of her as indicated by her very own posts, but yet you are telling her, it's OK, to just wait it out?
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 I don't understand why you would give up on a relationship over not hearing from him for a few days. He might have picked up on that too. Could it be that he knows you are willing to give up on the relationship so easily, and he doesn't want to be hurt again? If your heart tells you to resume the relationship, then resume it with all your heart and do not worry about why he hasn't called. He will call. You're entitled to your opinion, but have you read her back story and situation? I think if you did, you wouldn't be offering her such unhealthy advice.
His4Always Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 I don't need to know her history, and neither do you. Only Angel knows what she wants and what her heart can bear. She's not going to stop loving someone because you tell her to. If she needs to leave him, she will when she's ready.
LadyGrey Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 I don't need to know her history, and neither do you. Only Angel knows what she wants and what her heart can bear. She's not going to stop loving someone because you tell her to. If she needs to leave him, she will when she's ready. I can agree with the above especially about the part that she will only leave when she is ready, but the issue that I and WWIU pointed out about your prior post, is you were encouraging her to keep doing the same thing that SHE SAID was causing her pain. Do you not see something wrong with encouraging someone to keep beating their head against the wall, when the OP clearly said it was hurting her?
bentnotbroken Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 I can agree with the above especially about the part that she will only leave when she is ready, but the issue that I and WWIU pointed out about your prior post, is you were encouraging her to keep doing the same thing that SHE SAID was causing her pain. Do you not see something wrong with encouraging someone to keep beating their head against the wall, when the OP clearly said it was hurting her? Naww. It is kind of hard to see anything clearly when the tint of the glasses isn't clear.
Emme Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 I think you should sit down and really decide that this is over. Do what ever is necessary to make contact impossible. No contact means just that no more playing around as though you're in high school. You made a decision and now you have to follow it through. No phone, email, or dates. The more you delay the more the pain and hurt from this experience will stay on the surface. You will have to start all over again each time it happens. You have to find the will if you want this to end.
LadyGrey Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Naww. It is kind of hard to see anything clearly when the tint of the glasses isn't clear. Those rose colored glasses are real bitches ya know....... I used to have some of those but I threw them away.
bentnotbroken Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Those rose colored glasses are real bitches ya know....... I used to have some of those but I threw them away. Mine got bytch slapped off my face.....Thank the good Lord. :laugh: 1
jj33 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 I don't understand why you would give up on a relationship over not hearing from him for a few days. He might have picked up on that too. Could it be that he knows you are willing to give up on the relationship so easily, and he doesn't want to be hurt again? If your heart tells you to resume the relationship, then resume it with all your heart and do not worry about why he hasn't called. He will call. Wow what a stock response. Did you even READ her post, "please help me get over him", her back story and her question? Noone is telling her to stop loving her. They are answering her question about how she can best move on from someone who has strung her along for over a decade. Maybe staying to avoid the pain of moving on with your life works for you, and maybe you are happier hanging in there than you would be if you got out, or maybe you are not ready to face the pain and move on with your life, but its clear from her post that she is.
Lostinlife4now Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 And how does having a man lying to his wife, using a secret phone to contact you help your self esteem and confidence exactly? Great answer bentnotbroken!!!!!!!!
Author imperfectangel Posted December 18, 2011 Author Posted December 18, 2011 There's so much to reply to here... Thanks for all of them. He did text me back v late last night that he would try to come and see me but that it is christmas. Yes b/c I am so stupid I need him to point the time of year out to me. NC is the only way to go - I did it for 3 weeks a while ago I just hate the thought of never seeing him again. Idk why - I never see him now anyway I feel like he's sort of a security blanket for me in a way - he's just always been there in some way. But I need to break free - I don't want another year of this. But it takes confidence to turn your back on someone you feel you love I know he doesn't feel the same, he can't or he wouldn't treat me like this and I know I deserve better like I said I just hate the thought of not seeing him again Just to reply to someone who said I am "throwing" the relationship away b/c I don't hear fron him for a few days... Its been like this for years and lately I'm always the one trying to keep in touch with him - except for when I'm trying nc then he's all over me phone like a dog on heat then as soon as he knows he's got me hooked he's off again
MissBee Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 (edited) Last friday my ex mm broke nc again I was firm and told him where to go - even rejecting his calls after which he texted me "ouch no need for that" I was v proud of myself I had NEVER rejected a call from him before after this he bega bombarding me with texts telling me how much he wanted me etc and like a idiot I took the bait and gradually came round to him. I told him over text (he lives 50 miles away) how I felt over everything he told me things would be different but even already today I've texted him twice and heard nothing which is when I've just noticed he's only getting in touch late at night. I'm starting to think he's got a new number but still using his old one to contact me with - his w had found texts from me before I feel like such a idiot (again) for falling for his crap (again). I just feel like I'm making the same mistake over and over and esp as its getting close to the holidays I do not want another year of this crap I feel like just going nc but am I expected to tell him or should I just try and go nc again? I alwa send a "goodbye text" which he never replies to and then a few wks later we're back on again so I don't think he takes it seriously anyway Please help me I just want to get over him I know there is no magic cure but I genuinely feel like I need him around my self esteem/confidence is at a all time low Hi Imperfect, I've danced this jig a thousand times with unavailable guys....they weren't in other relationships, but just like a lot of MM...the same applies...they are not that into you. They like you well enough for sex, ego stroke, companionship etc...but it is ALL on a SOMETIMES basis....ALWAYS on THEIR terms and they are in no way trying to form a substantial, mutually beneficial, emotionally open relationship with you. They come and go as they please, they don't prioritize you, and when you complain or pull stunts like NC...they may panic and turn up the affection and apologize and do little things that seem like they've changed but once you've taken them back....things go back to normal. After a while they know the jig...they know that yea blah blah, you'll be mad...just say sorry, text, call, visit frequently for a while and make things SEEM like I've changed then...once she stops complaining.... continue as before. I realized all I did was talk. I would reprimand, nag, be mad and ignore for a while but then I'd come around after begging and apologizing, with the logic that well why would he chase me and beg and plead and all this if he wasn't serious??? He has to mean it...he's just confused....he just doesn't understand...I just need to explain how his bad behavior makes me feel and then he will get it and finally stop. NO! These men are not idiots or kids like some of us treat them....like explaining our hurt/disappointment/anger a thousand times is going to help...it won't...it's not a lack of understanding, it's a lack of care. They get it....but you're ALLOWING it...so as humans...we're often selfish...if we can get what we want without giving much in return....we will! These men might get that you don't like xyz....but if you stick around or argue but are still around...they figure, you don't hate it that much and they don't need to change. There's no need to tell him bye....you admitted he knows the drill and is pretty smug right now knowing you are weak for him. Turn the tables. Just stop talking to him, stop responding, don't see him....and keep it that way! I think the problem is, we secretly want them to come around....so we send dramatic goodbye emails/texts etc hoping that it will melt their heart and they will realize they don't want to lose us So we're scared to just leave without a word....even after 8423725 times of being treated badly! The difference comes when you stop wanting them and decide FOR YOURSELF to just walk away. No ulterior motives, not hoping they'll come following you, no guilt trip on them or yourself. Simply deciding you're done and going NC forever/until you don't care. If it is "meant to be"...then that person will make those changes and it won't be a sham like before, if not...they may still try to contact you....with the SAME situation, not because they've changed, but because they're wondering if they can wear YOU down to stoop to their level. Edited December 18, 2011 by MissBee
MissBee Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 I don't understand why you would give up on a relationship over not hearing from him for a few days. He might have picked up on that too. Could it be that he knows you are willing to give up on the relationship so easily, and he doesn't want to be hurt again? If your heart tells you to resume the relationship, then resume it with all your heart and do not worry about why he hasn't called. He will call. Ahmmm are you being serious??????
despicableME Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Ahmmm are you being serious?????? Judging by the username, she's dead serious.
standtall Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 It's amazing how some of the posters here are obviously the betrayed spouse, and post to the OW/OM forum as some kind of poke back at the cheaters to feel better or to save them from themselves. I will give the betrayed ones a hint..some lessons people have to learn the hard way.Now, I can see this behavior if the cheating posters are posting their emotional problems on the infidelity board, but isn't this forum supposed to be theirs? It's kinda like a gay hater going onto the gender/sexuality forum to pick a fight with the LBGT community. I suppose the OP can sift through the haters and find an occasional helpful post.
bentnotbroken Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 It's amazing how some of the posters here are obviously the betrayed spouse, and post to the OW/OM forum as some kind of poke back at the cheaters to feel better or to save them from themselves. I will give the betrayed ones a hint..some lessons people have to learn the hard way.Now, I can see this behavior if the cheating posters are posting their emotional problems on the infidelity board, but isn't this forum supposed to be theirs? It's kinda like a gay hater going onto the gender/sexuality forum to pick a fight with the LBGT community. I suppose the OP can sift through the haters and find an occasional helpful post. It's amazing to me how posters here automatically assume that BS post out of hate. Could be true for some...not for all. If you have read any of OP's back story, you would know that those "oh so hateful" post are based on that story. Since this is an open forum and posts that aren't against the guidelines remain. I can only assume that the mods feel just a little differently that you.
MissBee Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 It's amazing how some of the posters here are obviously the betrayed spouse, and post to the OW/OM forum as some kind of poke back at the cheaters to feel better or to save them from themselves. I will give the betrayed ones a hint..some lessons people have to learn the hard way.Now, I can see this behavior if the cheating posters are posting their emotional problems on the infidelity board, but isn't this forum supposed to be theirs? It's kinda like a gay hater going onto the gender/sexuality forum to pick a fight with the LBGT community. I suppose the OP can sift through the haters and find an occasional helpful post. I have no idea the point of this post....since imperfectangel has definitely commented in HER thread THANKING people for their responses. It is apparent those who have some type of issue with people speaking the realities about As...who always need to comment about haters and so forth when the OP herself/himself don't have a problem with the responses. They also almost never actually reply to the quest6ion at hand but simply pop in to comment about BSs or some other irrelevancy and leave again....that itself is telling who really has a problem And for the record...I'm not a BS.
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