Breakup after 3 year relationship (long story)

[Melrapuo]

Hey everyone,

 

This is going to be a very long post, so be warned.

 

I posted on here a few years ago about my first break up. This one is about my latest relationship, which ended thursday night. I'm about to turn 25, she is 22.

 

My newest ex-gf and I had a great run. There were many, many moments in our relationship that were fun and I don't regret a thing. This relationship ended because of personal issues on both our parts.

 

We have always had intimacy issues, which are a big part of any relationship. When we started dating, i had problems getting it up because of the psychological damage I got from my first break up. She, however, took it as though I wasn't attracted to her (which wasn't true at all. I was just nervous. I told her this, but she didn't want to believe me most of the time in the beginning). My ex-gf had been the first girl I had tried to sleep with since, and it was just a combination of self-doubt and self-pressure on myself to not fail that, ironically, made me fail time and time again. Eventually she got fed up with me on that part, we broke up on and off a couple times, but eventually got back together.

 

However, once I gained confidence back in myself, having sex with her was sometimes rough, if not impossible. To put things as delicately as possible, it was as though she wasn't letting me in. And when she did, it usually only lasted for a minute or so because it ended up hurting her.

 

This went on for years. Sometimes my problem would come back, for whatever reason (too drunk, not in the mood), and sometimes she would not let me in (too painful). This continued throughout our entire relationship. There were many times where we thought about breaking up because of it, but even at the worst points we always told ourselves we'd fix it. That we'd try to have sex more often. That we'd try to do more things to be romantic, maybe more foreplay. However, after each try, we ended up just getting scared of doing anything else for fear of disappointment.

 

Now, for the first couple years I figured that this was all mostly my fault. I was the one who couldn't get it up during the beginning of the relationship, which must have caused anything since then to be impossible. And I would beat myself up over it. Then, one day, after a recent failed attempt, she broke up with me again. And I had finally flipped out, because I didn't want her to make it like it was all my fault. I didn't want her to make it seem as though everything that was failing was all a direct result of me. And then she admitted to me the core of her issues - she had been molested by her (now deceased) father as a little girl, as well as possibly by a pediatrician around the same time. She has only told a couple of her past bf's and some friends. No one in her family knows, and she won't tell them because she's embarrassed to tell anyone. She says it eats away at her, but when I told her that she really needed to talk to someone about it, she tells me she never will because of the embarrassment (and she thinks it will cause her mother to have a stroke).

 

This floored me, because it explained so many things as to way she would have problems with sex. It also made me very sad, but angry as well. I was upset because for two years I had tortured myself thinking I had problems physically, when in reality it was both of our issues stemming from different reasons.

 

Anyway, we decided (after breaking up for literally 4 hours) that we would stick it out, again. We both truly cared about each other, and were in love with each other. We talked it out, didn't fight or yell at each other when it happened again and again. Eventually we would just work together to try and make things right.

 

However, despite these efforts, we were still scared to have sex sometimes because whenever it didn't work it felt like rejection. The only way we thought we could deal with it, though, was to ignore the issue (Which wasn't good.) Very slowly, we began to distance ourselves. We weren't as affectionate as usual. We didn't go out very often. We stayed at her house, a lot, watching tv (Sometimes going to the mall or food shopping. nothing exciting). And I guess, in a way, it began to eat at both of us. In addition, because of feeling as though she was going to leave me for someone else (like in my past relationship), I would get paranoid or angry when she would hang out with her friends and not me. This didn't happen very often, but it upset the **** out of me because it was an insecurity that I was never able to get over it.

 

For the last couple months, we were almost never intimate. I can't even remember when we last had sex. If I were to guess, I'd say mid October. I sensed that something was up, because she was wanting to hang out with her friends more and more, and my paranoia was worse and worse. I never prevented her from going out, but I was still upset. And this would make her feel guilty, and I would tell her that I didn't mean to do that to her.

 

I think this is what finally did us in. Thursday night of this week, we were hanging out in her house with her sister, just watching tv. I was very uncomfortable because I could sense that we were near the end, if not at least a fight. So we went to bed, and I laid down next to her, and I asked her if she thought I was being weird lately. She said that I had been distant and very quiet. I apologized to her, saying I didn't mean to be that way. I don't quite remember how it transitioned from there, but eventually it led to her talking about our sex life, and how I make her feel guilty about her going out with her friends while I made the choice of just sitting at home.

 

Then it got a little worse. She talked about how we're both just opposite people who like to do different things. She said she had tried to adapt and be more like I was, (as I did for her), but she told me she wanted to be able to go out and do things with other people. She said that it wasn't fair that I made her feel guilty (which I apologized to her about. It really never was my intention to do that to her, but I still did it anyway because I was being selfish). She brought up the fact that all we did was just stare at each other whenever I came over to her mom's house (Where she lived), and that there was no passion between us. And the sex issue came up as well. She said whenever we talk about it, we end up hugging each other and crying and then saying we're going to fix it, but it never gets fixed. She said it was just not going to work itself out, no matter what we did. She told that it wasn't fair that I made her feel guilty about all of this (i did mention that I had been looking at engagement rings. I knew this was dumb when I said it, but I was grasping at straws at this point.)

 

I was sad and upset (Crying a little. not much.) She seemed pretty stone-faced about it. I think it was her way of just avoiding it, because sometimes her voice did crack a bit when talking to me, but at this point I believe she felt that if she cried with me it would just repeat a pattern we've done over again, and it wasn't going to solve anything. I, of course, wanted to fix things with her still, but at the same time I was agreeing with her that we haven't really tried or done enough to truly fix things. I also felt that it was over, but I just didn't want to admit it.

 

I asked her if she still loved me, and she said "I don't know." She said she still loved me and cared for me as a person, but wasn't sure if she was still in love with me. I told her that she couldn't just not know, that either she was or she wasn't.

 

I laid down in the bed next to her, and wanted to cry and hug her, but I didn't. She was saying how she's frustrated and exhausted and she doesn't see things working out. We sat there for a little longer quietly (note, her mom and sis were talking outside her door, but didn't hear anything. I wanted to leave the moment they decided to go to bed.)

 

Then, after a few minutes of silence, she said "Ok...I'm not in love with you. I'm sure I'm not in love with you, I think." This, of course, broke my heart. I agreed with her on everything we talked about, even if I didn't want to believe it. I asked her how she could've told me she loved me on sunday, and now on thursday she doesn't (although actions are more reliable than words, I guess.) She apologized to me, said she thinks things weren't working out. I cried a bit (she didn't), I grabbed my things and hugged her. She hadn't really moved from a specific position in her bed since the real stuff started coming out, so I leaned across it and hugged her. She said "I'm sorry," and I told her the same. Then I stood there and said "Is there anything I can do or say that would change your mind?" After a second or so, she said "no." I opened the door, left and drove home, and cried to my family.

 

I got home around midnight. I tried to sleep, but couldn't I decided to call her at 4am (twice in a row, she didn't pick up. I still regret doing that, because I knew better.)

 

Later that day I called her at 11am, cuz I knew she was getting out of work. She didn't answer, but I texted her and asked her to please call me. I just wanted to give it one last hurrah before I decided to leave it alone for good.

 

She called, and we talked for about 20 minutes. I tried to see if there was anything I could do to make it work again. This time she wasn't so stone-faced. If anything, she was yelling this time. She said that it would never work, again, because all we do is go in circles of getting fighting, breaking up, getting back together with promises of fixing things. She didn't want to do it anymore. She felt she should've never told me what happened to her in her past (I told her it would've been unfair to me if she never did.) She was frustrated with the paranoia and guilt that I made her feel. Most of the conversation was about the issue of sex, though. I told her the only way things would have ever worked out between us is she had gone to therapy, or we had gone to couples counseling. She, in turn, told me that I promised her to go get therapy myself for my paranoia and depression, but I didn't do that either (in a way, thats kind of like turning it back on me, but I agreed.) She then said she's 22, she should be able to go out and have fun with her friends, and not be in a relationship with someone that feels more like an old couple's marriage. She also made it seem as though she wanted to be single, or at least just not with me. She did say that she does know she has her own issues in terms of her past, and that it was eating away at her inside, but she still won't tell anyone. She said I have no idea what its like to carry that kind of emotion around, and that it would never get fixed with her and I dating. She said the same about my paranoia, too.

 

I asked her again if she really wasn't in love with me anymore, and she said "I wouldn't lie to you about that." I then told her I wished her the best, said I was sorry for anything I did to make her feel bad, told her I still loved her but understood, and then said goodbye. I haven't spoken to her since yesterday, and I don't see talking to her happening any time in the future.

 

Since then I've deleted her off facebook, taken down all our pictures, and blocked her. She deleted me off her BBM contacts, and I believe at this point she may have deleted her own facebook all together.

 

I've been a mess these past couple days, for obvious reasons. I always have that little amount of hope in the back of my head that things could work out in the end, but at the same time I have at least 90% acceptance that this is completely over and done with. I do still care about her deeply, and I know I do love her, but I know there's nothing I can say or do that will make anything change. At this point its just going to be NC so I can get my life back together. Part of me wants to think she is suffering too, but I can't assume anything.

 

I think I've typed enough. I have the fear that most people have, where I think I'll never meet anyone else, that I've been rejected because of who I am, that I ****ed things up. Everyone is telling me that I did nothing wrong, and I've accepted that my paranoia was uncalled for (she told me she never cheated on me, and that she never understood why I was afraid. She's been cheated on many times by ex bf's, and she told me it hurts like hell but you have to get over it. And she's right.)

 

So any thoughts from anyone out there? Again, sorry for the giant wall of text, but I need some advice on what to do from here. I'm going to leave her alone, because space is what she wants and thats what I'm going to give her. I'm not entirely sure if I'd even ever consider dating her again, especially if her issues and my issues have not been resolved. At this point, though, I think its pretty much done. I'm just sad because we have both just cut each other off and will probably never see each other again (that will probably be impossible though, because we all share similar friends and we'll undoubtedly see each other again.) Its a shock when you think we were talking to each other and seemingly fine just a week ago. I just miss her, because she did become my best friend, too, and to have to act as though she doesn't exist is really tough.

 

Thanks

Edited December 17, 2011 by Melrapuo

[Melrapuo]

Anyone have any opinions on the matter? Advice? I'm doing the only thing I can do now, which is just drop it altogether. If there's anything anyone can include on this in terms of ideas on coping or just keeping it together, I'd love to hear it. I'm trying to keep myself busy and occupied with stuff around me, but its hard to do things when nothing seems appealing.

[GymRat]

Just as the previous poster said, this is advice you might not want to hear. But truthfully, if there never was any successful intimacy in the relationship in the first place, there's no going forward with it. What she said was true in that she, at 22, feels like she's in an old person's relationship right now in her life. One of the biggest factors in a relationship is attraction and if attraction does not exist, then neither does a relationship. She might not love you any more, but I'm confident that she cares about you. But so do your other friends and I think at this point, that's all she can ever be with you; just a friend. And more than likely, neither of you are at a stage where you can both be friends, so it was good that you got rid of her social media contacts because that would have only set you back.

 

Don't get down on yourself though! You might attribute the sexual failures of this relationship to past events, but truthfully, there likely is more to it than that. I don't think there was the right level of attraction to begin with, and hopefully going forward you'll realize this in your next relationship when you end up boinking like bunny rabbits. Seriously, just keep your head up and look forward to the great things the future will have in store.

 

All the best my man.

[Sugarkane]

She really needs therapy if sge wants to be able to have sex. Sounds like she'll have this problem, no matter what guy she goes out with. Sexual abuse creates alot if trauma for people. Some people can become frigid, while others can sleep around.

[Melrapuo]

Go NC and start the healing process. Will you do that? Nope, because u are the type of person that will refuse to accept reality and hit rock bottom before he starts his climb..I wish you well. I dont like giving good people bad news

 

I've been in this position before. I know what horrors can come from trying to keep in contact with someone after a break up, and I have no plans on repeating that again. The depression is pretty bad though...I've tried my best to accept whats happened, but it isn't stopping me from feeling horrible. I wish I could at least sleep...even a couple hours would be great, but I just sit there lying in bed. Hence me texting at this time.

[Melrapuo]

Sometimes I think posting on here is therapeutic, so I've decided just to put my two cents into this thread as long as I have to.

 

Its been about 3 days or so since I last talked to her. I haven't attempted whatsoever to try and contact her, and it has been really helpful that she took down her facebook. My friends have been there for me, and have checked up on me a lot to see how I was doing. Same goes for my family. It doesn't stop the amount of pain and depression I'm feeling from it, but I keep telling myself that no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine. Its just the part where its gonna take time that I don't like - I'm impatient.

 

I am, however, kicking myself a bit. There have been times when I thought we should've talked sooner, or really made a true effort to try and fix things. There were times when I felt it wasn't working out, either. But it always came down to me telling myself to stick it out - that if I didn't, I would never truly know if things could or couldn't be fixed.

 

I WANT her to call me one day, or text me, or something. I WANT her to tell me that she misses me, that she is sorry and wants to try again. But I know she won't. She won't want me back. She won't want to date me anymore - because she doesn't love me anymore. And this kills me. She does have her own problems that she has to deal with, but I was I could be there with her. I care for her tremendously. She's had her best friend die when she was very young, her father and a pediatrician do awful things to her - all I ever wanted to do was love her and be there for her. And this rejection makes me feel as though I wasn't capable of doing that. I feel as though she pushed me away, and it hurts.

 

I know I'm in the denial phase, but I'm not being an ass and trying to contact her, because I know it will only lead to disappointment. Don't get me wrong - I want to so badly. I want things to go back to the way they were, where I would go to her house after work and hang out. Yea, I was bored. But I was content.

 

I'm afraid to be alone. I'm afraid I'll never get married, or have kids, like I wanted from her.

 

I know I'm ranting. I'm back at work for the first time since it happened, and I feel empty. Part of me wants to go home, but part of me knows all I'll do is sit and be depressed, or pace around my house and let all these thoughts race through my head constantly. Sometimes I feel suicidal. Yesterday I thought about just jumping off a ledge, or a set of stairs behind my family's lakehouse. But I keep telling myself thats retarded. And it scares me that I can have these thoughts. A week ago I didn't have any of these ideas, and now I'm barely getting sleep (luckily though, last night I got 6-7 hours, which is the same amount as I had gotten in three previous nights, combined).

 

I just feel like I need to talk to someone about this. My sister told me to fight all of the feelings I have inside - to make myself happy. I just don't know how anymore.

[Melrapuo]

I know this is a stupid question to ask, and I am taking all the advice given in this thread completely to heart. But my question is, does anyone think she may try and contact me again? Or do you think I'll never hear from her. I believe in a way I ****ed up because I kept clinging to her and making her feel guilty for going out without me, and I only did this because I had a fear that she was trying to be distant from me. But I was stupid...

 

I know most of you are going to say "who cares if she does," but does anyone think it could happen?

 

I'm having my friend call her later so he can pick up my things from her house. I don't think it would be a good idea if I called her or went there myself...

[Melrapuo]

I decided to finally go ahead and see a therapist today. Its something I've put off for a very long time, and this may help me at least figure out why I act the way I do. I always knew that I had to give therapy a shot, and I always put it off. I guess now is a better time than ever to go ahead and seek help.

 

The emotions so far have been rather erratic. Last week it was like a roller coaster with so many sickening turns I couldn't gain my bearings. Now, the crying still comes and goes, but I rationalize everything in my head. I keep telling myself "No matter what I want, NC is the only thing I can do to get better."

 

Still haven't contacted her. Honestly, I have no idea if she misses me. Interestingly, I don't feel any urges to actually text or call still. I feel if I do, nothing will be accomplished from it.

 

I am, as I'm sure a lot of people on this forum also are, quite weary of the holidays coming up, only because I'm sure I'm going to feel like crap. In addition to Christmas and New Years, I also have my birthday in between and our anniversary beginning in january. This is not going to be easy...ugh.

[carhill]

She really needs therapy if sge wants to be able to have sex. Sounds like she'll have this problem, no matter what guy she goes out with. Sexual abuse creates alot if trauma for people. Some people can become frigid, while others can sleep around.

I'll second this observation and further it by, as a result of this life lesson, carefully scrutinizing any woman who admits to abuse, molestation and/or rape as part of her history with men, especially if such occurred while she was a child or teenager. The emotional tapes formed during that period of brain maturing are very difficult to erase or process in a healthy way. Is it possible? Sure, it is. However, even with the right man, one whom she is attracted to and feels safe with, an unknown trigger can pop up and those tapes will begin playing again, to the detriment of the relationship and person who is in no way responsible for them. That's not healthy nor equitable nor fair.

 

You're 25. You've had a couple LTR's. That's commendable. Now, take some time to reflect upon them and your path in life, learn from your experiences and move on. There's no need to rush into another intimate relationship. Date around or spend time alone.

 

If this person finds her balance and discovers within it that her statements regarding her love for you were premature, she will be in clear and present contact. Her words and actions will be clear and will match and support each other. You won't have any doubts about her clarity nor your own. If that day does not come, it doesn't.

 

My sympathies. I can empathize with your feelings regarding the holidays as I've experienced them outside of a relationship for more years than you've been alive. Life is what you and I make of it. We're in charge of our own destiny and our own perception of our brief experience here on this planet. It will work out. Merry Christmas.

[Melrapuo]

I'll second this observation and further it by, as a result of this life lesson, carefully scrutinizing any woman who admits to abuse, molestation and/or rape as part of her history with men, especially if such occurred while she was a child or teenager. The emotional tapes formed during that period of brain maturing are very difficult to erase or process in a healthy way. Is it possible? Sure, it is. However, even with the right man, one whom she is attracted to and feels safe with, an unknown trigger can pop up and those tapes will begin playing again, to the detriment of the relationship and person who is in no way responsible for them. That's not healthy nor equitable nor fair.

 

You're 25. You've had a couple LTR's. That's commendable. Now, take some time to reflect upon them and your path in life, learn from your experiences and move on. There's no need to rush into another intimate relationship. Date around or spend time alone.

 

If this person finds her balance and discovers within it that her statements regarding her love for you were premature, she will be in clear and present contact. Her words and actions will be clear and will match and support each other. You won't have any doubts about her clarity nor your own. If that day does not come, it doesn't.

 

My sympathies. I can empathize with your feelings regarding the holidays as I've experienced them outside of a relationship for more years than you've been alive. Life is what you and I make of it. We're in charge of our own destiny and our own perception of our brief experience here on this planet. It will work out. Merry Christmas.

 

Merry Christmas to you, too. And thank you for responding.

 

I'm going to take your advice as a confirmation that I should just leave her alone and move on then

[BoredAgain]

I think once you gain some emotional distance from this relationship, you will realize that you're better off.

 

Her past molestation makes it difficult/impossible to have sex, yet she refuses to seek help. This puts you in a horrible situation where you have to remain in a mostly-celibate relationship until she decides someday to face her issues (which may never happen). Whether you screwed up is almost irrelevant because this alone would have destroyed the relationship eventually anyway.

 

Luckily, this breakup was the kick in the pants needed for you to face your problems. Good for you, and be thankful for that. Maybe -- hopefully -- she'll seek help too, but it's not your burden anymore. Keep moving forward and I bet there will come a day when you'll look at this breakup as a blessing.

[Melrapuo]

Woke up this morning at 6 am, extremely depressed. I called a suicide hotline because I was having awful thoughts and was afraid of them. My sisters realized what they were doing and tried consoling me. Gah, I want these feelings to be gone already! I've never felt so horrible in my life.

[Philosoraptor]

I'm very sorry you're hurting. Nothing in life is worth killing yourself over... I should know... I tried. Things get better if you let them and you might want to search my old posts for some inspiration as I made my suicide thread awhile back.

 

I feel like therapy would help the both of you. Both for end ending of the relationship but more for each of your core issues. You were still hurting over a past relationship and she had a very traumatic childhood. You both were hurting inside throughout the relationship and it became a crutch to a degree. Things will get better if you give them try and truly work towards it. I hope you find your peace.

[Melrapuo]

Same thing happened this morning. I asked my mom if she could find someone that would be able to take an appointment today, but since its the day after Christmas no one is open.

 

I want to text my ex so badly. I want to ask her how she is, if she's having second thoughts. But I'm afraid of rejection. I feel as though I wouldn't be able to take rejection twice in a row.

 

I even sent a message to my first ex today. I haven't spoken to her in over three years. Just said hi, how are you.

 

My mind is absolutely spinning. I think I'm mentally unstable right now.

Edited December 26, 2011 by Melrapuo

[Philosoraptor]

Take a step back for now and take a few breaths. Find something to focus on and keep surrounded by people who will help take care of you. I know the feeling as I didn't eat for a long time and lost close to 25 pounds due to feeling so bad.

 

Contact will hurt you worse, I know. I did it and was horribly suicidal shortly after. I had some wonderful people take care of me after that and things slowly got better. Live for yourself right now. Make your own dreams come true.