jerryinva Posted May 30, 2004 Posted May 30, 2004 Haven't posted in a while...things were going well...but as usual, we have hit the wall where I am fumbling up what I am saying...and she is distancing again. This morning she called while I was talking to someone else...and I switched over...she asked what I was doing, I said talking on the phone. She said, go ahead and go back to that then...she needed to get off the phone anyway... I said, it's ok..I understand...thinking it was a fiance related thing, turned out it wasn't, she just wasn't going to be in the car long. So trying to head her off...and avoid an uncomfortable exchange....and I made it worse. She had told me the other day that he had the day off, and so dif she, and it was an unusual occurance for them both to have the same day off, so she planned to spend it with him. She said she would call me later, but she didn't...and so now I don't know if she didn't call me because she is upset at me, or was just busy. I took the Metro for the first time today, because I totalled my car earlier in the month...it was a haul. She knew I was going to have to walk from the Metro station home...about a mile and a half, at 2:00 a.m., but did she bother to check on me? No.
HT_Nut Posted May 30, 2004 Posted May 30, 2004 Jerryinva, I've read some of your posts and correct me if I'm wrong; but, the girl you are trying to win is engaged? No offense meant here: Do you want a girl that strings another guy along as a fall back guy? It seems that's the position she has put you in here. Your heart is being ripped out and she seems very callous about the whole thing. Right now it seems you are raw and looking for that ONE phrase that will make her come running to you. It ain't there! Sure, you can let her know how much you care for her but you should really think about continuing to do that. I agree with some of the suggestions you've read in that; you need to hide anything that reminds you of her and get out and enjoy life! I think watching her get online is kind of a way to sense some "closeness" because that's all you get from her right now. Is that something you want to waste another second for? Listen, it is an EXTREME rarity that a relationship will work out between you too right now anyway. Her present relationship probably sucks; that's why she's dangling the carrot for you. IT keeps her secure and keeps you in limbo. I'm guessing you're thinking "one day a big blow up will hit and she'll come running for me". Again, that's just a guess. But, think really hard and long about this question: do you want to be with someone who has already demonstrated that she will look for a "just in case" guy. Now, let's say that happens and she comes and pledges her undying love for you and you'll "live happily ever after". BULL****!! What will happen is you may be in exreme bliss for the moment, or even for a while. However, when you guys start having problems, aren't you going to have that little voice in the back of your head saying "ya know, I wonder if she has another fall guy in the wings". Everytime her cell phone rings, do you not think you will be thinking; I wonder if that's her fall guy. Really now, she's doing that to her fiance now; with you. Why would you think for one second that she won't do that exact same thing to you? Do you really think that you can stop this person from that behavior? There are people that do that ALL the time. They never let go of one branch before grasping onto another. Fine, say she grasps on to you and let's go of the one she has. After the first few confrontations you have, she'll be looking for that other branch and you know it!!! Then she'll be telling him the same things she tells you about her present fiance; then before you know what happened, she's onto another tree. My point is, this girl SCREAMS of insecurity problems that you can't fix. Until she fixes them herself, she's going to leave a lot of guys hearts in her wake. The question is: is your heart worth that little to you? Do you want to pursue someone that has been known to cheat already; even with you? Physical or emotional cheating is the same. Both destroy relationships. I'm sure you're a good guy and all that; but man, life is way too short to invest time in someone that could care less if you're walking home from a train station at 2 am. She doesn't care because she doesn't have to. You're her failsafe. If you walk away, she'll have another failsafe in a week. That's just what they do.
Author jerryinva Posted May 30, 2004 Author Posted May 30, 2004 I think I am more focused on our friendship than the other...that is probably why we have gotten along for the last few weeks...(longer than ever before.) I think she was probably concerned...but she also knows her address is on my license...so they would contact her if something happened...
InLimbo2 Posted May 30, 2004 Posted May 30, 2004 I think you went off the boards after the last set of posts, you may have never seen the one I addressed to you...I put the links at the bottom. I'd have serious concerns about this girl - with a fiancee lurkin about - as other posters have said - she may be the "lifeboat" type. However, if you are bound and determined to get her and keep her - stop chasing her! Read my posts - me and my guy are still going strong! He was here Friday night, I was there last night. We see one another 3x/week usually, we talk all day every day and in the evenings on IM. I am the first person he talks to in the morn, and the last person at night. I am the one he rushes to tell important news to, and the first person he comes to for comfort. I am still "the girlfriend" - he has even admitted he just needs the ability to be free - even though he's not using it - and no, neither of us has gone out with anyone else since that one night we both went separate ways. He's opening up to me more and more every single day, we talk about the really important things, and our relationship gets stronger every day - and I know without doubt there are many many more 'tomorrow's with this man. Love her 100%, stop obsessing about her, live your life for you - you will be much healthier and all that more attractive to her (or another woman!) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t39514 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t39112 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t38586
slimmontana Posted May 31, 2004 Posted May 31, 2004 Jerry there is absolutely no need to torture yourself with this girl..My whole take on the situation is to " Live and Let Die!!! Live your Life and Let any thoughts of a future with this woman Die!!! Your committing emotional suicide!! Try to develop a social life new hobbies or other interests ...No sense in investing anymore thoughts about her.
sportsloving Posted May 31, 2004 Posted May 31, 2004 You really need to stop communicating with her at all, and you need to realize that you are worth so much more than she is willing to give you. She is engaged to be married to another man. You are going to have to make a life for yourself and move on. Find someone who can and will love you for you, not because you make a nice safety net good luck to you
Author jerryinva Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 Today is my birthday...I contemplate 36... I had to walk home last night....from the Metro...in the pouring rain... and I was wondering if she even knew that I was walking home in a storm... So, instead of feeling like 36...I feel like 136... So far my dad has wished me a happy birthday...birthday's were never big around my house...
quasimoto Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 man, i can tell by your posts you are feeling low, but you need some time and some space from that woman. dare i say it but maybe you should see someone about this-it is a very messy situation and it's getting particularly bad for you from what i've read in this and previous posts. LET IT GO-you have to learn to love yourself enough not to torture yourself like this...best of luck.
Author jerryinva Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 She came by the Metro station, and picked me up tonight. Weird, because she couldn't call me, and I couldn't call her...but she knew which station I would be at, and pulled up at the right time... She took me to dinner for my birthday, she said she didn't want my birthday to go by, without seeing me...and she said she didn't want me sad, either. But I still can't get her "outside help" on her relationship on Thursday out of my head, I wonder what the outcome will be... who it is, and how it will affect things.
sportsloving Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 She lets you walk in the rain twice from the metro, and then all of a sudden it is forgotten because today she remembers you? You sure don't want to hear this, and you sure don't understand it ... but this woman is using you. She is being hurtful to you, she can not give you the time or respect you deserve. But so long as you are happy and she made your birthday all better, woo hoo. good luck to you. Oh P.S. You asked how it was going to turn out? I will tell you, she marries the guy she is engaged to. She is going through with it. She isn't dumping him for you. If she was, she would have. Just so you know
BlueLP Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 JerryinVA, I'm sorry to hear that things are still so messy for you. I've remember your posts from a couple weeks ago and it sounds like it's just been more of the same. I have to ask....as confusing and hurtful as it still is, do you feel any better as time has gone on? Become any more used to the idea that you and her are probably something of the past? Maybe if you see some improvement (even a tiny bit) it will give you a glimpse of what is to come without her. I wish you good luck, it isn't sounding like the most fun situation to be in right now. You sound like you'll get through it fine though, hang in there,
HT_Nut Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 Jerryinva, It's called "throwing you a bone". As long as she does something little everyonce in a while, she knows she keeps you in it. As I said earlier; that's what they do. Expanding on my last post in this thread: Project yourself as her present fiance; how would you feel if your girlfriend was out at 2 am (or whenever) picking up some guy at the train station? Ya gotta know she isn't telling him "Hey honey, you mind if I go pick up Jerry at the train station and taking him to dinner? It's his birthday and I'd like him to be happy." Jerry, she would do it to you!!!! Why oh why do you do this to yourself? Are you so afraid of the pain of finality that you won't close the door once and for all? You said earlier that you weren't hurt that she wasn't interested in you romanticly; you said you were hurting because you were losing a friend. Do you really think that this type of dance goes on in a friendship? You know that it's about the loss of a love that bothers you so much about this. So, don't try to BS us on that. K? Sportsloving's post was as true as it is hard! Next time she throws a bone at you, give it to a dog. tell her "thanks; but no". Wanna see pursuit? Do that and watch the fireworks. Do that for a month and she'll be begging you. Then when you give in (as you most sadly will), once she has you hooked again, she'll be treating you the same way. She HAS to have you for backup. I really hope you don't take this as ridicule or mean. That's certainly not the intent. I just hate to see you go down this road; and yes, sometimes the truth is painful.
sportsloving Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 Sportsloving's post was as true as it is hard! Let's hope it is the truth part that is hard and not that you think I am being mean or insensitive to you. I am not meaning to, I just feel that you could really do so much better than this "lady". You are hurting, confused, and deeply involved emotionally ... but in all honestly, if she loved you, she would never think to treat you as she is (and pretty regularly). You are going to have to let her go. Move on with your life. Stop talking to her, if she shows up to give you a ride, tell her thanks but no thanks. She isn't being nice, fair, or even decent. Would you treat someone you cared about the way she is treating you? Of course not. Good luck Jerry, I sure do hope that you are able to let her go.
Author jerryinva Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 Quite honestly...it took my dad to point out to me, it really isn't her RESPONSIBILITY to pick me up...or save me from walking in the rain...I should be appreciative if she (or any friend) has the time to do that, but it is unfair to expect it. Secondly...I believe in my heart she is confused. After I posted last night, she called...we chatted...and I heard the confusion both spoken and unspoken (and probably subconscious) again. Maybe that is the best I can hope for...is she will find clarity, and will resolve her confusion finally, one way or the other. My dad said I should take relief in that...if nothing else...that things will be clear, finally...one way or the other.
lost_in_chgo Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 Give it time. That stuff about you walking home is your anger leaking thru. It's normal, and healthy, but don't let it get to you. You know, you don't have to be happy about this., but you do have to accept it at some level.
Velveteel Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 Jerry, you're getting really solid advice from these posters, but you can't hear it. You don't even respond to it in your own posts. You're not ready. You are on hold until your ex becomes "unconfused," is that it? What if she never does? She may be a wonderful woman who is torn between her past love and her present love. Showing up at the Metro at 2 a.m. for you is sweet, on one level, but it is also throwing you a bone. Do you see that she's keeping you, too, in a state of confusion and uncertainty? Your emotions seem entirely dependent on how she treats you on any given day, or what news you get from her about her real relationship. Unless you separate yourself from her, you'll continue to fly up or down emotionally whenever she calls. And do you see that, as another poster mentioned, you are not worried about the loss of her friendship? You're very obviously still in love with her, or at least so deeply attached that a part of you still expects her to call and see that you're home safe. As heartbreaking as it is, you are loving a woman who is deeply involved with another man. It isn't fair for her to use you as a sounding board for her pre-marital jitters. Take a step back. Try no contact, or much-reduced contact, or ask her outright not to confide things like this, since it gives you false hope. You won't be ruining your chances of an eventual reconciliation, if that's what she chooses to pursue, but you might gain some peace of mind and stability.
Author jerryinva Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 I have been having some terrible mood shifts... I think I wish I could lead her out of her confusion...but I know I can't do it...she has to, or not. That is something I should have followed a long time ago...
lost_in_chgo Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 It isn't fair for her to use you as a sounding board for her pre-marital jitters. Take a step back. Try no contact, or much-reduced contact, or ask her outright not to confide things like this, since it gives you false hope. Excellent point. My ex tried to confide in me the details of her new relationship. I put a stop to that immediately. I wasn't about to become her girlfriend. Draw the line and quick. Tell her that it is disrespectful and inappropriate of her to be discussing that sort of thing with you. It's inappropriate really for her to be talking to you at all when she's seeing someone else, but hey, you don't have to tell her that part.
Author jerryinva Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 I agree. And I certainly have not had a problem telling her when I think she is right or wrong about a relationship issue. In fact, I would say I have stuck my nose in where it didn't belong many times on that issue. I had (and at times, still do) to learn that even though she says things to me, most times she doesn't want my feedback or comments, I think she just wants me to listen. Men have a tendency to want to fix everything...whereas women just want someone to listen to them...it would seem.
Author jerryinva Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 I am really concerned how she is going to be after their talk today...
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