frenchmanfl Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 Hi everyone, Its been a while since I have been on this board. I won't go into why I was here before but it was a completely different situation. Sooo...I dated and ultimately feel very deeply for this beautiful woman about 7 months ago. It happened about a year after a very difficult very long relationship where a lot of damage was done emotionally. I am 43 and my ex GF 41, in other words not teenagers. One critical detail is that although she did mention it only in passing, over the course of the relationship, while I still didn't do any research into anything until it was too late, she has OCD / Depression and most likely Relationship OCD. If anyone reading this doesn't truly understand this illness, without getting into too much detail it can create very negative thought loops in the person who is suffering. They can go from cold to hot very quickly, which had a serious impact on my emotional stability about the relationship and did cause me to lose my balance and falter. In other words, very hard to take a very serious love relationship where marriage was regularly brought up, to be showered with love one minute only to be met with someone fairly cold the next. Another common trait of relationships with someone with OCD is that pressure builds up so much that they sabotage otherwise good relationships. They believe that by breaking up with their SO they will relieve their acute anxiety, which is understood because especially if it isn't brought out into the open, the non OCD person can question the relationship status etc. I was never needy but towards the latter stages my instability about everything showed. I am now completely and fully versed ( I don't mean I have a doctors knowledge but sufficient to know how to now react to all of these mood swings and changes ). To not take them personally, to react calmly if antagonized to basically soothe. Some believe that they must, at all cost defend their stance, but I believe that, in such a case, one has a choice to make, they either fight for their point of view and lose the love or they calm and re-assure for the sake of keeping the love they so cherish. This does not mean being a doormat, but rather empathizing with their OCD lover that most often they are reacting without a true understanding. Anyway, you see my point. So she said we should go our separate ways about 5 weeks ago. Short of one letter I wrote when returning her spare keys which very sweetly asked if a fresh start were possible, a quick communication from her where she said she had to cancel a meet up to exchange stuff and finally a fun email after key drop off ( at front desk not to her ) telling her about a great week I had and another important subject dear to her heart ( not about us ) with a final sign off saying " I am still here if you want me ", there was no contact. I didn't call or push. I forgot to mention that just two days before the sabotage we were talking marriage. She had talked about it before and she was quite serious. A little too fast but I didn't care, it made me happy. Another important point was that she was regularly worried that I might one day go back to my ex. She clearly also had self worth issues, because I was happily reminding of her how beautiful she was on a regular basis. Complicated stuff but so worth it to me. She has had a very tough life, maternal neglect, Father met with tragic violent death, abusive boyfriends. I honestly believe I am the first boyfriend who is kind and sweet and caring. She fawned all over me and I her. I have some emotional baggage but nothing that cannot be overcome in time. This sets the scene....after five weeks of not hearing more than a quick text, I was beginning to think she was done. Last night I get a call that I can't answer, she leaves a message saying she might have a job lead for me ??. I return her call half and hour later, voice mail, I leave a message saying " wonderful to hear your voice, please call me back tonight if it's not too late or tomorrow, again wonderful to hear your voice. " It's already late but I get a text saying about an hour later " if it's not too late call me ". A fairly quick response ( positive sign ? ). I call her back and we proceed to have a wonderful conversation, very casual and light, turns out her lead is really just a facebook posting she saw on a loose friends page looking for such and such. An excuse just to call ? She is a proud woman... She is very chatty and happy on the phone, she says it's nice to hear your voice. She ask me about the job I have been working and then says " do you think they might have something for me ? ". I respond, I am working tomorrow, I will look into it and call you. Very possible that they do. She says, I will call my friend and give her your contact details. We chat and laugh a bit more and then I say I have to put my son to bed, have a beautiful night, again so nice to hear your voice, she says you too Darling, have a great night. Et voila ! Obviously the next step ( which I have already done ) is to contact my company and ask if they have any need for someone with experience etc. Will follow up. Fingers crossed. If they do then I call and ask for her resume and set up meeting. She has no car so it's likely that I would offer to drive her, which would also be the case if she ends up getting the job and we are working the same locations. So can anyone give me a non biased read on her call, the desire to work for the same company as me and more importantly how to handle things. When we first me things moved along very naturally so it's quite possible this is the way things would go again. We weren't together long enough for the damages to be that severe. She called me. There was deep love but some miscommunications. I am a very happy man, not because this is any guarantee of anything but because the window seems to have reopened a bit. If I could I would run down to her place, wrap her in my arms and make love to her. But I have to play it cool. Two things can happen, if my company has a spot for her, then it could provide a beautiful non commital way of seeing each other again without setting anything up, very natural. What if they don't ? When I make that call how do I try to keep the momentum going ? I really love this woman and quite honestly want to marry her. yes I know that there is a potential for complications due to her illness but I spent 20 years with a woman who had her own anxiety issues. I managed that and didn't even know anything about OCD. Now I am educated. I don't need to win or even argue. Anyway, sorry for the long story. Any advice on how anyone sees this picture and how I might proceed would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all.
chryssy83 Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 I think that there's a good chance that having her at your work will mean that she will be around just enough to keep you from healing and moving on with any other relationship. Meanwhile, if she wanted to be with you she would just do it...not try to get a job where you work. I almost think that trying to get a job where you work suggests that her feelings for you aren't like the ones you have for her. The opposite of love is indifference and all that. If she was struggling to get over you, she wouldn't want to be around you every day. If she wanted to be back together, she would not try to do it through getting a job where you work...she knows she can have you back. Seems to me like there is more bad than good here. I think you should really try NC. It works to help you move on and also to get her back if she's coming. It's kind of perfect that way. (Sorry, I know it's not what you wanted to read)
Author frenchmanfl Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 (edited) Hi Chryssy, Thank you very much for the reply. Fortunately, I am happy to report that the direction things are taking seem to suggest otherwise. Nothing is anywhere sealed but the lines of communication are open and there are tiny signs of affection creeping into our back and forth contacts. We were talking marriage and the future two days prior to her sabotage ( if your interested read up on the devastation OCD causes for the people who suffer from it....it's heartbreaking...the anxiety they go through is at a level that we cannot comprehend ). I did give her space to breathe for 5 weeks, short of one letter I wrote to her saying we deserved a second chance. It wasn't a blubbering, can't live without you letter, but rather simply a reminder that I felt this was a beautiful relationship worth a fresh start. To a degree I do believe in the no contact rule, but I believe it needs to be called the " give your ex space to breathe ". She reached out to me and it is simply not possible that she doesn't know what I want. There was simply too much energy and love. Insisting on NC at this stage, after she reached out to me, will only show one of two things, that I am childish and acting out bitterly or that I have moved on. How can one explore where things could go if one cuts communication. If I sense her moving into friendship zone, then I will re-instate NC. My ex wife has tried to be friends with me, but I am not interested, not because I have even a sliver of desire that it will lead to reconciliation but because she torched a 20 year relationship and I will not allow her to have her cake and eat it to. Every relationship is different. I didn't cheat on my ex girlfriend nor did I do anything to hurt her, nor will I ever. The waters got muddied and things may have moved too fast. This can cause, especially someone with severe anxiety, to reach crisis mode and react. Nothing is sealed and things could go south, but since I wrote my original post, which I wrote in a little panic myself, things are taking baby steps. How I wish it wasn't so complicated this thing called love but this is the dance. Thank you again for responding, when no one else did. I am very grateful to you for reaching out with help. I may end up not being right but for now I am going to run with the positive angle. Edited December 19, 2011 by frenchmanfl
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