Jono85 Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 I think LS is a great tool to seek advice on different things, especially post breakup. No doubting that. However, does anyone else feel sometimes just visiting LS daily makes them think about their ex and sort of perpetuates their existence in your head? I wonder if people would have an easier time had they also went NC with LS so to speak lol. I think as great as this site is, I know for me, even reading OTHER peoples threads about their situations, gets me me thinking about my ex, and my situation. So what you end up having is a site that makes you think more about your ex than you may have otherwise done had you not been online. Just some food for thought. Personally, I might take a month or two off from LS soon, just to see how it goes.
Cmac Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 I had this exact thought yesterday. I dunno, sometimes you can find solace in the fact that you're not alone in what you're going through, but yeah at other times I feel like it does kinda make think of my own situation more than I would if I didn't come on. Just finding that balance I suppose.
chados Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 LC is only good if you dont have any intentions of getting back together, and if you really just want her as a friend, and youre sure that youre not going to be jealous about her seeing someone else. with NC you heal, youre creating a distance between the two of you, this will be an easier way for her to want you back and it wont make you disappointed if she's not contacting you the same way LC would do. the best way is to say that you believe the breakup was for the best and you two need some distance, this will remove any pressure between you. and then you know that she wont contact you if she doesnt want something out of it.
M2155 Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 It depends. First, it's good to express yourself, whatever you are feeling and get encouragement. Plus giving my opinion was better than just moping about my own story. Then if you are reading and dwelling in your own situation then yes. If you are reading and learning from other people and seeing that things do get better, great. Even better when you can take your experience and things you've learned to encourage others. For me, it didn't matter if I was on LS or not becuase I still hurt and dwell until I reached that next stage. At the end of the day, you have to cope the best way for you. I can also see how going NC with LS for a while can be good
youngster Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 I too had this same thought yesterday. A little more than two weeks into my BU, thanks to LS I am coping fairly well. However, I find that I may be relying "too much" on others experiences. Every situation is different, but sometimes you can relate to someones thread, so I start replaying my relationship in my head, searching to see if this happened to me too. My ex and I were inseparable. If I wasn't with her, we were texting. So much, that my hands would cramp up from holding the phone. Lol. In the past two weeks I've gone from NC with fb stalking, to NC with no FB just recently. I was thinking that without her in my life, my day is incredibly boring. I usually try and pass my time on LS and other relationship forums to cope with the loniness and boredom. Lately though I've found a 'pendulum effect' in my daily mood. Usally goes like this- Randomly wake up at 3:30am (alarm doesn't go off til 5am and I NEVER had trouble sleeping solid before) Since I know I can't sleep, I get out of bed and start my day, usually hit up LS Atleast for a new post or two... All morning at work, if I have a free moment I'll research Threads pertinent to my recent break up. Find something that makes sence, and read (too much) into it. This usually happens by the time lunch ends. Spend the rest of the day applying my new found info to my situation which I find comfort in momentarily. When it's time to go home, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted and tap out. This is usually when I start to miss her again and feel like I'm back at square 1. Wash. Rinse. and Repeat
Author Jono85 Posted December 16, 2011 Author Posted December 16, 2011 LC is only good if you dont have any intentions of getting back together, and if you really just want her as a friend, and youre sure that youre not going to be jealous about her seeing someone else. with NC you heal, youre creating a distance between the two of you, this will be an easier way for her to want you back and it wont make you disappointed if she's not contacting you the same way LC would do. the best way is to say that you believe the breakup was for the best and you two need some distance, this will remove any pressure between you. and then you know that she wont contact you if she doesnt want something out of it. LS (not LC) = Loveshack = this forum
Author Jono85 Posted December 16, 2011 Author Posted December 16, 2011 Yeah, like there's no doubt this forum has many benefits. However I'm not so sure what you can learn from other people's similar stories considering every person and ex is different. I think some people go fishing for threads that are similar to their own situation, and look for stories of hope. Not saying everyone does this, but it's probably natural. But the bigger problem probably lies within people just in general searching for threads similar to their own situations and then relive the whole breakup/ending again and again. I know I've done this many many times on here. This site has made me replay my relationship many times over. And some of it has been amazing, as I've realized I missed redflags, or had more ownership in what happened than I originally thought. So it's not all bad. But I think just like everything in life, moderation is key. I'm probably going to take a break soon from LS b/c I think I've analyzed my relationship to death, and now seem to want to just forget about it. But I'm finding visiting this site doesn't really allow me to do that, personally.
chados Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 LS (not LC) = Loveshack = this forum sorry missread, but yes i LS could be a great way to get good advice.. but i believe that when were here everyday and reading about others problems it makes us think about our own. i think you should ask people for advice, but when you have them, then you should completely move one. helping others with their problems is great but it probably will affect your healingprocess if youre doing it to often. and its the same thing when youre making treads all the time asking for new advice. most often i think we know the answer, but we really want someone else telling us the difference.
SkyEmtRN Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 I actually think it does hinder the healing process. Granted there are positives and negatives...but I think they cancel eachother out. The more I'm on here, the more I think about my situation and the more difficult it is to keep nc. For example this morning I read something on my thread saying I should break nc for xxx reason. And so I did. Yes I wish I didnt, but breaking nc did get me some answers I wanted and did help me clear some stuff up. But doing so set me back a step or two. I'm done writing about my situation on LS as for it does not help me at all. Yes some advice is good and some is not. But either or it still creates a memory of me and her. Memories that I am trying to avoid at the moment. So overall, yes LS does prolong the healinng process after a break up when people are NOT providing support and encouragment. If your trying to start a new relationship, then I guess this will help. It depends on the situation really. But for post break up....I don't think its the greatest.
chados Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 (edited) I actually think it does hinder the healing process. Granted there are positives and negatives...but I think they cancel eachother out. The more I'm on here, the more I think about my situation and the more difficult it is to keep nc. For example this morning I read something on my thread saying I should break nc for xxx reason. And so I did. Yes I wish I didnt, but breaking nc did get me some answers I wanted and did help me clear some stuff up. But doing so set me back a step or two. I'm done writing about my situation on LS as for it does not help me at all. Yes some advice is good and some is not. But either or it still creates a memory of me and her. Memories that I am trying to avoid at the moment. well support from others can often make you believe that she will come back, in other words, false hope.. some people just dont care, but some are just giving their opinion, it might sound harsh but it could very well be the truth.. dont tell me you did break NC again?. its not just a step or two, its a way of killing your chances. if this makes you feel better im happy for you. but if youre keep doing this you will never heal. and she will know everything you just said earlier is a lie. i really dont get it. why cant you just listen and at least ask before doing something youre not sure about. im not saying this because im angry, im saying this because i want to help you. just by writing about this in every tread tells me your not gonna make it. use your own tread and ask for help so people can see the whole story from the beginning, its easier to help you then. Edited December 16, 2011 by chados
youngster Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 I know I've done this many many times on here. This site has made me replay my relationship many times over. And some of it has been amazing, as I've realized I missed redflags, or had more ownership in what happened than I originally thought. So it's not all bad. But I think just like everything in life, moderation is key. I'm probably going to take a break soon from LS b/c I think I've analyzed my relationship to death, and now seem to want to just forget about it. But I'm finding visiting this site doesn't really allow me to do that, personally. Well put Jono. Like anything else in life, moderation is the key. A breakup will shatter us all. I read somewhere on this forum a member used the analogy of a relationship being like a puzzle two people build together. When you break up, the puzzle breaks and you're left to pick up the pieces and rebuild yourself again (something like that lol) well LS is like a the picture on the box. You can use it to a certain extent to rebuild the puzzle, but sooner or later, you'll start trying to build the same picture as before and it's not gonna happen because some ogre pieces (your ex) are no longer there. At this point you begin to fill those holes with new pieces. ...Does that even make sense?! Lol
SkyEmtRN Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 (edited) I actually think it does hinder the healing process. im not saying this because im angry, im saying this because i want to help you. just by writing about this in every tread tells me your not gonna make it. use your own tread and ask for help so people can see the whole story from the beginning, its easier to help you then. Don't worry it was a step back and forward, it gave me the courage to delete the phone number. So this also goes back to me saying yes LS helps and doesn't help. If I would have never woke up and checked LS today I wouldn't have broken nc. But since I did check LS today, I was able to delete her phone number despite breaking nc for a short period. (I did not feel any remorse about deleting the number but I will recognize it.) IMO, I take the advice from LS but put it affect in short burst. Some people dive right into and put the advice in full force. I guess I take the advice in baby steps. But it all depends on the situation. It's also difficult to take other peoples advice when they are also in the same boat as you. Edited December 16, 2011 by SkyEmtRN
Standard-Fare Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 I've been visiting LS for about two weeks -- right before my breakup, during, and now in the raw aftermath. I've found it comforting to be here. I've needed to express myself, and I'm not the type who's going to weigh down my friends with this wet-blanket stuff. It's also been helpful for me to acknowledge that so many other people are dealing with these types of issues and pain on a daily basis. It helps me remember that love is complex and often hurtful, and that's just the universal reality of things. That said, if I am regularly visiting here writing about my heartbreak and reading about others' in 3-4 months, I will consider that a big problem.
shayla Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 Well, for me LS was good and bad. It helped me alot to know that I wasn't alone, and that the circumstances of my break up weren't just mine. However, for a while, I think it did cause me to think alot more about the incidents that led up to it, and it was very painful. I usually come to this site while I am at work, and the way I found out about my ex's affair was at work. I confronted the other woman while I was at work. I got ex's "yeah I lied and treated you like crap, get on with your life" email while I was at work. So it was more coming to work than logging into this site that caused me alot of misery in the months after the breakup. Now that I've pretty much gotten through it, I realize that coming here and reading and posting may have prolonged my pain, but ultimately it helped me heal. I have seen my past actions in many of you, and all I can say is that in time and with work on self, all the feelings will pass and life will get better.
chados Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 Don't worry it was a step back and forward, it gave me the courage to delete the phone number. So this also goes back to me saying yes LS helps and doesn't help. If I would have never woke up and checked LS today I wouldn't have broken nc. But since I did check LS today, I was able to delete her phone number despite breaking nc for a short period. (I did not feel any remorse about deleting the number but I will recognize it.) IMO, I take the advice from LS but put it affect in short burst. Some people dive right into and put the advice in full force. I guess I take the advice in baby steps. But it all depends on the situation. It's also difficult to take other peoples advice when they are also in the same boat as you. the thing is. first you send her an email, which you cant be sure she hasn't read. then you tell her your fine with the breakup, and that it would be for the best to not have contact. and then you contact her on aim. then you ignore her. and then you contact her again. she cant be that stupid. this is desperation from your part bigtime. "It's also difficult to take other peoples advice when they are also in the same boat as you". yes it is.. but trust me this isnt my first time going through something like this. i wouldnt tell you anything if i wasnt sure its the best way. and the fun part about this is that the person who told you that it could be vice to contact her is also going through the same thing right now. but you dont know that because you didnt ask. sorry for sounding like a bitch but youre destroying your chances. that is a promise i will give you. im not saying that you should just listen to me. but at use the tread you started and ask other people
SkyEmtRN Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 the thing is. first you send her an email, which you cant be sure she hasn't read. then you tell her your fine with the breakup, and that it would be for the best to not have contact. and then you contact her on aim. then you ignore her. and then you contact her again. she cant be that stupid. this is desperation from your part bigtime. "It's also difficult to take other peoples advice when they are also in the same boat as you". yes it is.. but trust me this isnt my first time going through something like this. i wouldnt tell you anything if i wasnt sure its the best way. and the fun part about this is that the person who told you that it could be vice to contact her is also going through the same thing right now. but you dont know that because you didnt ask. sorry for sounding like a bitch but youre destroying your chances. that is a promise i will give you. im not saying that you should just listen to me. but at use the tread you started and ask other people read my recent thread, dont want to take this one off topic But like I said I did find coming to LS while going through NC difficult. Yes it did help me get stuff of my chest by writing it out but it wasn't enough to help and to get over the situation.
Author Jono85 Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 bumping this b/c i think at my point (when i've accepted that it's over, have set out my mission to get over her, and have analyzed every subtle detail thousands of times over) it's best if i take an extended break from LS. i just feel i come here, and while a lot of the time i do help others with their situations, i still can't help but look for hope (second chance forums, exes returning after a few months, etc) and it stunts my growth. starting tmrw, gonna try to stay away from here for a solid month plus.
hudson701 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I find LS massively helpful. It's comforting to read other's stories and prevents me from breaking NC. Seriously this place has really helped these past 6 months. Everything I've read about people breaking up then getting back together has all come true for me, even though I'd never believe it at the time due to being still 'stuck in the trenches' so to speak. You just don't know what's round the corner, then something happens, you look back and think 'oh yeah, I remember reading that'. Love it.
cavalier99 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I found early on in my BU it was super helpful. I didn't even know about NC. I learned a ton here and it was a life saver. Then after about six weeks i started to wonder what the hell i was doing on a forum and if i was addicted. As more time has gone on and I've healed some I've totally enjoyed being on here and trying to help out even though I'm still recovering myself. Maybe because I haven't started many threads about my situation I'm not really dwelling on my BU extra because of LS..although i do post a lot. So in summary, I don't really find that I dwell more on my BU anymore than normal by being on LS. (At least i don't think i do?..lol). In fact sometimes it is a distraction from my BU. Long term I'm sure ill probably be here less as i recover more.
cavalier99 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 bumping this b/c i think at my point (when i've accepted that it's over, have set out my mission to get over her, and have analyzed every subtle detail thousands of times over) it's best if i take an extended break from LS. i just feel i come here, and while a lot of the time i do help others with their situations, i still can't help but look for hope (second chance forums, exes returning after a few months, etc) and it stunts my growth. starting tmrw, gonna try to stay away from here for a solid month plus. Hmmm. Ive never looked once at the second chances forum..maybe that is why you need a break .lol Id say if you feel you need a break take one definitely. I guess it all depends on how you feel. I'm fine now but the day may arrive when I've had enough of posting and reading.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I think it can go either way, but basically - just as with life - you get out of LS what you put into it. And you find what you're looking for. I WANT to handle myself well during this time. I want to be strong and do the right thing. I look for the advice that supports this desire, and focus on it like a laser. There's a lot of good, wise advice here.
ScienceGal Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I too had this same thought yesterday. A little more than two weeks into my BU, thanks to LS I am coping fairly well. However, I find that I may be relying "too much" on others experiences. Every situation is different, but sometimes you can relate to someones thread, so I start replaying my relationship in my head, searching to see if this happened to me too. My ex and I were inseparable. If I wasn't with her, we were texting. So much, that my hands would cramp up from holding the phone. Lol. In the past two weeks I've gone from NC with fb stalking, to NC with no FB just recently. I was thinking that without her in my life, my day is incredibly boring. I usually try and pass my time on LS and other relationship forums to cope with the loniness and boredom. Lately though I've found a 'pendulum effect' in my daily mood. Usally goes like this- Randomly wake up at 3:30am (alarm doesn't go off til 5am and I NEVER had trouble sleeping solid before) Since I know I can't sleep, I get out of bed and start my day, usually hit up LS Atleast for a new post or two... All morning at work, if I have a free moment I'll research Threads pertinent to my recent break up. Find something that makes sence, and read (too much) into it. This usually happens by the time lunch ends. Spend the rest of the day applying my new found info to my situation which I find comfort in momentarily. When it's time to go home, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted and tap out. This is usually when I start to miss her again and feel like I'm back at square 1. Wash. Rinse. and Repeat This is my life too!
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Personally I think LS is a great tool and I dont think it perpetuates the situation. Here is how I see and what I have found. When my ex first broke up with me I was devastated and needed to find an outlet. I found LS and used this forum to vent, listen to others and to cope. As time progressed I found myself getting better and better. The way I knew I was getting better was because I was reading posts of people who had just newly broken up and what they are going through. You find and realize that you once felt like that but not any longer. When you are going through the hurt feelings you don't realize that you are getting better because there isnt a gauge or benchmark you can measure. With LS you find people who are freshly going through this and all of a sudden it hits you that you were once in their position. That coupled with the fact that sometimes reading other peoples stories you find that there are people who are in worst situations that you are and it puts your problems into perspective. As time has progressed I find myself getting stronger and stronger and using LS less often. When my BU was fresh I was constantly on here reading about other people and posting my own story. Now I find that I'm using LS less and less. I imagine that with the progression of time and healing you will start to ween off LS. As for me, I can see that happening now but I try to stay on here to support and help those who need advice just like when others helped me in my time of need. I guess it really depends on the person but I don't think that being on LS will open up the wounds again so to speak. If anything its the opposite of that. Just my opinion.
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