MissBee Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 I was reading another thread the point about some not wanting to be divorced, because quite frankly they are too comfy financially and would rather not give that up. We've all decided that there are a million and one reasons why people choose to divorce or not.... In terms of lifestyle only, not kids and things like that, but thing like the kind of house you live in, car you drive, how many vacations you can take...luxury things....how would that factor into your choice to stay married or divorce? A little? A lot? Not at all?
thomasb Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 None. The only thing I was terrified of losing was my wife.
reboot Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 None. The only thing I was terrified of losing was my wife. Yep... and finally not even that, for me.
Severely Unamused Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 If I experienced my recent predicament 10 years ago, I probably would've stayed in my marriage out of convenience and turned a blind eye to our marital problems. Now? I really don't care that much about luxuries. I'm still dealing with the idea of becoming a weekend mum. I'll mourn the loss of my overpriced car in a couple of years. Although, I do have a friend that would end up becoming homeless and practically broke if she divorced. I can understand why she chooses to stay in her situation.
SoMovinOn Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 I have a minimal attachment to anything one can buy. I'd give up all of it to make a change. I pretty much did with my first D.
nofool4u Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 If I didn't have the means to live very well on my own it wouldn't have mattered. I'd rather live in cramped apartment than to live under the same roof with someone who can't be trusted. Why is divorce so expensive? Because its worth it.
Author MissBee Posted December 17, 2011 Author Posted December 17, 2011 (edited) If I didn't have the means to live very well on my own it wouldn't have mattered. I'd rather live in cramped apartment than to live under the same roof with someone who can't be trusted. Why is divorce so expensive? Because its worth it. Funniest thing I've heard in a while I agree though. I just can't see myself carrying on and on in an unhappy marriage even for luxuries. I also believe in doing for myself....two heads are better than one, so are two incomes...but my goal is to maintain a lifestyle I want, on my own, before marrying. So my husband is a nice plus....but if he leaves I'm not going to greatly suffer financially. I value my sanity and peace of mind over material enjoyment. Like you, I'd rather move from a mansion to a cramped apartment for peace of mind. So I truly cannot see myself staying married to a man because I'm scared to downgrade my lifestyle. This is with no A in the mix....and if there was an A....I imagine I would be more inclined to give it all up if I felt my A partner was the one I needed to be with. I'd rather be cuddled up in an apartment with a man I am inlove with who I feel makes my life sweeter than sneaking off to see him and coming home to a mansion with a husband I don't have any love for...to sleep with our backs turned to each other or worse pretending like I am inlove with him. I'd lose my mind! Edited December 17, 2011 by MissBee
beenburned Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 You know I think this answer would be different the older the spouses are. Medical insurance is outrageous, and some older people have pre-existing conditions where they may not be able to get other health insurance. If you are entering into retirement from your job, you have to consider if you would have enough money to last until your death, if you choose to divorce. Unless I was in an abusive relationship when retired, I don't think I would divorce.
thomasb Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 I was in my 20's so retirement didn't have a thing to do with my situation.
phillyfan Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 I was reading another thread the point about some not wanting to be divorced, because quite frankly they are too comfy financially and would rather not give that up. We've all decided that there are a million and one reasons why people choose to divorce or not.... In terms of lifestyle only, not kids and things like that, but thing like the kind of house you live in, car you drive, how many vacations you can take...luxury things....how would that factor into your choice to stay married or divorce? A little? A lot? Not at all? Dude HAVIN THE AFFAIR is the lifestyle choice. A dude wants a wife, his kids, the house n all tht sh*t, an he also wants a playa lifestyle tht makes him feel excitin, like hes a single dude again. So he keeps the wife, thn goes out n gets a cutie on the side. Done deal. He aint gona tell the cutie tht of course, else she aint gona be stickin around, he has to talk the big talk 'oh yeh its u i love really baby' etc.
2sure Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 If I were married to someone so well off that the marital assets were luxeries..and he cheated...I would bail pretty quick and take as many of his toys with me as I could. In fact I did. But, if I had been financially broke and struggling to house and educate my child...I may have ridden it out while I made a plan. I do know people who suspect but ignore their spouses infidelity. And yes, they have luxury assets...but thats not why they stay. They stay because they consider the infidelities a distraction or a bother or nonsense. Plus they have their own distractions on the side. They just dont care about that aspect I guess. I couldnt do it. I do notice that they dont seem at ALL threatened by the affairs. I get the impression that they could put a stop to it if they were inclined. Just my observation. I havent wrapped my head around it yet.
East7 Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 (edited) This is a very delicate topic. Many people want to look virtuous but the reality is they DO stay for the lifestyle. People tell a lot, but when they are faced to a D-day and to the loss of their comfort they forget about Love ! I still don't know how much true, but one of the reasons my xMW sold me, for not being with me, was that I couldn't offer her the same lifestyle that her H did, and she had the guts to throw this to my face ! I think she was honest in her cynicism, brutally honest. I think that those MM/MW who don't really hate their spouse, I mean who are not crazy in love but just feeling fine and having a good lifestyle, don't want to compromise it even when they REALLY love their AP. Let's be honest, money corrupts a lot of things, even relationships ! Edited December 21, 2011 by East7
Spark1111 Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Not one bit.....but to be brutally honest? I was in a stage in my life where I made my own money and I have never had a materialistic bone in my body. As a former writer and artiste, from a family of intellectuals and artistes, to desire status financially is very gauche indeed. However, had my children been younger and more financially dependent on medical benefits and perks of a well-oiled lifestyle, my decisions for my romantic future would have diluted rapidly compared to their needs for a future. I would NEVER judge a mother who stayed married to any bas#ard to continue the necessities and yes, the benefits for her off-spring, while she formulated a plan of escape or capitulation. Yep, that is the truth.
Author MissBee Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 You know I think this answer would be different the older the spouses are. Medical insurance is outrageous, and some older people have pre-existing conditions where they may not be able to get other health insurance. If you are entering into retirement from your job, you have to consider if you would have enough money to last until your death, if you choose to divorce. Unless I was in an abusive relationship when retired, I don't think I would divorce. I do get this.... Although what do you mean by older? 60 and over? I will concede that in considering As and divorces, I less often consider people at those ages and I do see why for some they'd not want to up and divorce at that age and stage in life. But in any event: I do hope one would realize their marriage is not working before they are 75 years old and so on. But if by then that's when you know...I suppose your options seem slimmer
beenburned Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Spark, I agree! MissBee, I have read for years on many different infidelity boards. You would be surprised at the large numbers of older people that are facing this problem. The saddest story I have ever read recently is, a good Christian wife that is now HIV positive due to her H's infidelity. Both of them are in their 60's!! Soon after finding out, she tried to committ suicide, but luckily failed. She is surrounded by her grown children and grandchildren but keeps this fact a secret. Also a large number of men who have acheived success in their later years, now want to trade in their 1st wives for a young trophy wife.
NoIDidn't Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 I was reading another thread the point about some not wanting to be divorced, because quite frankly they are too comfy financially and would rather not give that up. We've all decided that there are a million and one reasons why people choose to divorce or not.... In terms of lifestyle only, not kids and things like that, but thing like the kind of house you live in, car you drive, how many vacations you can take...luxury things....how would that factor into your choice to stay married or divorce? A little? A lot? Not at all? Lifestyle is an important thing for me, but the way its characterized here, it makes anyone considering such facts out to be a gold digger. Some things are just practical. I haven't worked outside my home in over a decade. I made more money than my H did when I was working, but my skills are rusty now. And I don't think one can exclude the kids from this conversation. I can buy my kids whatever school supplies they need and clothing, at the moment of asking. I might not have that "luxury" if I were to divorce in my current state. Kids cost lots of money. Its not about the "kind" of house, or the number of vacations for me. Its that I have a house and can take a vacation. Its not about the kind of car, per se, its being able to have the car that fits the needs of my family. I have four kids, I can't drive a Honda Civic just because its the car I can afford. I need the one that fits my whole family. I guess I just see the "luxury" question as not relevant in the vast majority of affairs as most MM are not rich and wealthy enough to be telling the truth about the "luxury" they provide their families/wives. Most of us like creature comforts, regardless of the protestations of otherwise, that we'd not take kindly to an affair or OP attempting to uproot us at a moment we were not ready to be moved. Most often the W is forced to experience the harshest of the financial pitfalls of divorce. Look at the stats. And because she's the one usually left with physical custody of the kids, her expenses are always so much more than her xH. I would not let my kids suffer a downgrade in their situation because of an A, at least not right away. I have too many divorced friends (male and female) and have seen the devastation it does to those left and to the kids. And its so upsetting to read it like its a trivial matter when many OPs are venting about the xW or xH. Its not trivial. Until they have that depressed kid that could have gone to any college they wanted to if dad had stayed, but now dad is remarried and has a new family and can't/won't help like he should.....Until they are the dad that pays his whole check in child support to his cheating but remarried xW and has to move in with his parents.... Finances are an important part of family life, an important part of our security. Its not easy to give that up when you know you won't be able to provide the same or close to the same for years after a potential divorce. (Miss Bee, this rant is in NO WAY directed at you for asking the question. Its just my answer. I know many that would have stayed if they had the option that are practically on the verge of homelessness and hunger behind a divorce due to infidelity.)
Author MissBee Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 (edited) Thanks for your response NoIDidnt. I noticed you answered the question with regards to divorcing after finding out about infidelity...which is part of it too but I suppose I was considering initiating a divorce yourself, before you had an affair or while having an affair...and if lifestyle would make you stay married to someone you felt the marriage was not working out with and it hasn't been working for a while. Which also plays into the argument that some may make that their MM does love them but just doesn't want to give up xyz. I guess I wanted to explore the validity of that claim. I definitely wasn't thinking along the lines of gold digging but I suppose the question of how unhappy is unhappy and what are you willing to risk to not be unhappy. An aunt of mine was married to a man who was pretty well off, he was in an upper level position at an investment banking firm in New York, she had her marketing degree and worked up until she had her child, then she became a stay at home mom. During that time the marriage deteriorated, and I believe infidelity was also a part of the mix, and she initiated divorce. I thought that was brave and commendable of her as she had a 5 year old at the time, hadn't worked for those 5 years and had a cushy life being married to her husband....this was about 13 years ago and she has been remarried, has a new career, and her lifestyle is just as cushy with her new husband, doing things she loves to do and she is the happiest she has ever been and he treats her like a queen. I'd say it was worth it overall....to leave the luxuries and take the chance and not be so financially well off for a couple years...for her life now. Also maybe luxuries can be seen in very different ways by very different people. One thing is, growing up in a third world country for most of my life....living in the U.S. now, I definitely know what is a luxury versus necessity and I do realize most people born within a U.S. context particularly will probably have very different ideas about this. There is tightening one's belt and still being able to live and then there is poverty and struggle. I wonder how many people would really end up in poverty from divorcing? And even so...all those people having "managed exits" I would imagine the right thing is that you should discuss and manage in the open how your lifestyle may change and what you can do to accommodate that if you truly want to divorce versus feeling like you are stuck and need to just cheat on your spouse because you "can't divorce". Edited December 23, 2011 by MissBee
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