How long until NC starts to "work"?

[lilyblue]

Just as the title says I guess. I feel no better.

[motive2002]

NC is only a piece of the puzzle. A tool you use in conjunction with other tools for moving on. It is important on it's own and serves a purpose.

 

It would be really difficult to move on and heal if you were in constant contact with the ex. I've broken NC before, as well as others that frequent these forums... and believe me, it is NOT a step in the right direction, and it WILL set you back.

 

NC alone will not make you feel better, but it's very likely gonna prevent you from feeling even worse. I know that's hard to imagine right now, but it's true. Just ask anyone who's ever broken it.

 

The journey to moving on, like any other journey requires that first step in the right direction. A chosen path. NC is like saying to yourself "I know this isn't going to work out, so I need to take control and make a decision..."

 

If anything, it is the one thing you DO have control over, since you can't control anyone else but yourself. You may think that cutting off contact can make the other person miss you. Don't be surprised if this actually does happen! But that's not what your journey is all about. It is acceptance that like it or not, things just didn't work out and you have to get on with life.

 

I'm sorry you're in pain. I promise you that this will all pass in time. You may not be ready to let go yet and that's normal. Letting go is scary at first, but as you examine, or rather accept things as they are, you'll realize that this is the best course of action.

 

I'm only now beginning to let go of my last relationship... and I'm not going to blow any smoke saying that it was easy. It was HARD. I went through a lot of pain. I damn near ruined friendships over constant ruminating, denial, just trying to process all of it. I was a broken record. Hell, I was just broken! ..but.. I am coming out on the other side. So will you. You just have to endure for a while. Have faith in your own strength. If you've made it a week NC, or 3 weeks, or only a couple days.. it took strength to get that far. Strength you probably never even knew you had!

 

 

Be well and have faith in yourself

 

 

<3

[BoredAgain]

Well, NC isn't really a cure. It's more like a tool ... and blah blah blah. But to answer your question, there are no set time frames. For most people I think it works like this:

 

In the beginning, you think about your Ex all the time. Not only do you wake up thinking about him/her, but you are constantly reminded of your Ex throughout the day. But day by day you start to think of them less and less. You'll have weak days where you think about him/her quite a lot and have strong desires to call or text, but then you'll also have days when you'll hardly think of your ex at all. Then one day you'll realize that you didn't think of your Ex when you first woke up. Then eventually you'll have a day where you realize that it's been a few days since you've thought about you ex at all. Then sometime after that, you'll randomly think about your Ex and realize that the pain of the break-up has gone.

[Thieves]

Just as the title says I guess. I feel no better.

 

When does NC start working? As soon as you implement it. It's working right now, actually, but you probably don't feel the effects taking place yet because it's simply been too soon. It's normal to sort of "watch the pot" when first going No Contact -- as in you keep watching closely, waiting for the water to boil, when in actuality it would probably be much more effective if you 'walked away' for a while and allowed it to do its own thing on its own time...

 

It's not unlike any good medicine. Rarely does it work literally right away. It usually takes a little while for it to actually 'digest', for it to properly get into your system, and then for you to begin slowly feeling the effects, along with noticing the eventual cure you'll experience by having taken it. But, as said, it takes some time. Motive and BoredAgain are both right, in that it is more of a tool and you cannot depend solely on it as a way to get you through your heartbreak entirely. You have to also put your best foot forward by taking other steps that will help you build upon NC in a positive way, so that if you were to break NC (though I pray you won't), it won't be the only thing you'll have to fall back on, as you'll already have other steps you're putting your heart into.

Edited December 16, 2011 by Thieves

[LZ2000]

No contact can work, or it doesn't work at all.

 

It depends on your significant other.

 

If your SO, is a fair level headed person, a short period of time would suffice.

 

If you and your SO had a huge fight, a week or more may be sufficient.

 

But it really depends on, the cause for implementing the NC rule, the emotional maturity level of your SO and the intimacy of your relationship.

[M2155]

I agree with comment that it's working already. Remember when you were dying to contact him and tell him how much you miss him? I bet not doing that has gotten easier. You know as bad as you want to, it's not going to help you to throw affection towards someone who didn't have the courtesy to tell you he exited the relationship. You may not like it and it may still hurt, but you know. That's a lot of progress. I also agree with the above comment that NC is helping you from going backward. You would probably feel worse if you were on here asking stuff like "he said how are you doing! What does that mean?" You aknowledge that you can't go backwards now and you want to heal, that's a huge step forward from where you were a month ago.

 

After that, it's just like BoredAgain states. If you can, try to find other things to think about when your mind is slipping back into missing him (being at the beach, winning the lottery, whatever...) just work on remembering, but not dwelling. In time he will just become a fond memory and you will be telling this experience to some other recent dumpee who won't believe they'll ever recover from this.

[chados]

it depends.. how tough was this breakup for you. how is your reaction with all this. some people are more jealous/insecure/and afraid then others. with afraid i mean when you get that feeling that youre alone and might even think that theres no one else out there. but there is... personally, when i dated a person after a breakup it made me feel good as long as she was there. but as soon as i started to feel that this is not going to work out and she wasnt there anymore. i started to think about my ex again. is she going to move on faster then me? selfish yes.. but that is just some emotions i cant control.

 

 

no one can say how fast you will heal. for me the first month was extremely painful. the first half of the second month was really easy. and now almost 2 months later im feeling a little down sometimes, but its not even close to what i felt the first 30 days. im actually feeling pretty good now, but i believe that the only way to really heal in the fastest way is to go on a date. but have respect for the one youre dating because your mind isnt thinking clear. so dont rush into anything. you dont want to hurt yourself or the date.

[lilyblue]

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I guess maybe what I was asking was "how long until NC makes me feel better?" which I know no one can really answer. I don't feel like I'm making progress. I still feel the same helplessness whether I think about breaking NC or not. I've never really been that tempted to contact him in the aftermath that often b/c I feel like he has the control in that he never replied to me ever. But that's the same way I felt before. Sometimes I do still want to let him know what an a** he was and that I still really miss him, but I guess I figure I can always do that next month. And then hopefully I'll think that again in a month. But would it really be that bad to tell him that, just as a reminder? It would at least have a temporary effect on him I would think, and that seems to be the only power I have. It's been about 6 weeks since I saw him in a group setting, 6 weeks before that that he disappeared.

 

I'm not really jealous of his "gf" or whatever you want to call her, which surprises me because I am kind of a jealous person sometimes. I am insecure (and this situation definitely hasn't done anything to make me feel more secure in myself) and I am afraid in the way you say. This has just been a really hard process.

[Zabs]

Lily..Remind me who initiated NC?

 

It really depends on the motives..

 

NC can be used formore than 1 reason as other posters will vouch.

 

Much love

 

Zabs xx

[lilyblue]

Lily..Remind me who initiated NC?

 

It really depends on the motives..

 

NC can be used formore than 1 reason as other posters will vouch.

 

Much love

 

Zabs xx

 

He did, while still in the relationship.

[smokey bear]

4.5 months before i felt like me again 5 months before i felt happy 85% of the time and now im happy all the time at 5.5 months.

[chados]

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I guess maybe what I was asking was "how long until NC makes me feel better?" which I know no one can really answer. I don't feel like I'm making progress. I still feel the same helplessness whether I think about breaking NC or not. I've never really been that tempted to contact him in the aftermath that often b/c I feel like he has the control in that he never replied to me ever. But that's the same way I felt before. Sometimes I do still want to let him know what an a** he was and that I still really miss him, but I guess I figure I can always do that next month. And then hopefully I'll think that again in a month. But would it really be that bad to tell him that, just as a reminder? It would at least have a temporary effect on him I would think, and that seems to be the only power I have. It's been about 6 weeks since I saw him in a group setting, 6 weeks before that that he disappeared.

 

I'm not really jealous of his "gf" or whatever you want to call her, which surprises me because I am kind of a jealous person sometimes. I am insecure (and this situation definitely hasn't done anything to make me feel more secure in myself) and I am afraid in the way you say. This has just been a really hard process.

 

 

maybe youre just alone. when your feeling down like this you dont understand your feelings. ask yourself, do you really want him back? he has moved on.. yes he could have made a mistake but its time for you to move on. go on dates, this is not something you would like to hear, but its true, you will enjoy life when someone is there for you, just take it slow and be careful that youre not going to hurt the other guy.

 

it really sounds to me that youre just feeling alone... tell me, if youre not jealous why do you want him back? it just doesnt make sense.. and probaly it doesnt make sense to you either.. its hard to just let go.

 

 

im gonna give you my personal experience.

 

i did feel that i wanted to be single. i did not know if i actually loved her. when she dumped me i wanted her back more then anything. you will always miss what you dont have and you will always want the things you cant have.

 

im still not sure. its just crazy, driving me insane. you will be happy with someone else. just give it some time. i wish you the best

[lilyblue]

maybe youre just alone. when your feeling down like this you dont understand your feelings. ask yourself, do you really want him back? he has moved on.. yes he could have made a mistake but its time for you to move on. go on dates, this is not something you would like to hear, but its true, you will enjoy life when someone is there for you, just take it slow and be careful that youre not going to hurt the other guy.

 

it really sounds to me that youre just feeling alone... tell me, if youre not jealous why do you want him back? it just doesnt make sense.. and probaly it doesnt make sense to you either.. its hard to just let go.

 

 

im gonna give you my personal experience.

 

i did feel that i wanted to be single. i did not know if i actually loved her. when she dumped me i wanted her back more then anything. you will always miss what you dont have and you will always want the things you cant have.

 

im still not sure. its just crazy, driving me insane. you will be happy with someone else. just give it some time. i wish you the best

 

I think I'm not jealous in this case just because my feelings aren't directed towards her (the gf/exwife/whatever), and, as weird as I feel saying this, I can see why someone would want to give it another try with an ex-spouse. That doesn't mean it hurts me any less or I miss him any less or what he did was right at all, it's just a different focus. I would be REALLY jealous if he had left me for someone he had just met, for sure. But I can't even begin to know what their relationship is like for both of them at this point, so jealousy isn't what first jumps into my head. He hasn't moved on, he has moved back to her.

 

I do want him back. Spending time with him was the happiest I'd been in years. Dating is generally awful and I don't seem to have much success. I went on one date 2 weeks ago. He was fine, and boring. He asked me out again, I agreed, and then cancelled the day of. I just couldn't bring myself to endure it. I cried once I got in the car. I compare to the ex and what a good time we always had. I don't get excited or interested in many people and the ex definitely did both for me. He's not an interchangable piece in my life that can be filled with dates. I'm not saying no one could ever be better (at all), but I also don't have any expectation that I will find someone who is.

[chados]

I think I'm not jealous in this case just because my feelings aren't directed towards her (the gf/exwife/whatever), and, as weird as I feel saying this, I can see why someone would want to give it another try with an ex-spouse. That doesn't mean it hurts me any less or I miss him any less or what he did was right at all, it's just a different focus. I would be REALLY jealous if he had left me for someone he had just met, for sure. But I can't even begin to know what their relationship is like for both of them at this point, so jealousy isn't what first jumps into my head. He hasn't moved on, he has moved back to her.

 

I do want him back. Spending time with him was the happiest I'd been in years. Dating is generally awful and I don't seem to have much success. I went on one date 2 weeks ago. He was fine, and boring. He asked me out again, I agreed, and then cancelled the day of. I just couldn't bring myself to endure it. I cried once I got in the car. I compare to the ex and what a good time we always had. I don't get excited or interested in many people and the ex definitely did both for me. He's not an interchangable piece in my life that can be filled with dates. I'm not saying no one could ever be better (at all), but I also don't have any expectation that I will find someone who is.

 

 

 

they will always be the best until youre letting them go completely. then you can find someone who's just as good. its not about fill this empty spot with dates. its not about replacing him, because they wont happen ever. i still believe that if you find a great guy who's not boring it will be easier to get your mind on something else.

 

whenever youre feeling down. when you think that you cant move on or find anything better in life. when youre feeling your life will never be as good as before. ask yourself

 

why should i give up on it before i've actually lived it.

 

translation.. dont give up on happiness even if thats not with him.

[harvej]

If yoru ex was a BPD'r, then NC should be to forget them altogether. Dont fall for the "get your ex back with NC" bs. it doesnt work if your SO has mental issues like this. They turn off liekalight switch, paint your black and have already moved on that very day since BPD people cannot be alone. They have a fear of abandonment, so they jump from one relationship to the next and NC doesnt work. Use NC to heal and move on, dont use it get them back.

No text, facebook visists, calls, drive by's, etc.. If you do any of these things, then NC starts over again, and the wounds are raw again.

[lilyblue]

they will always be the best until youre letting them go completely. then you can find someone who's just as good. its not about fill this empty spot with dates. its not about replacing him, because they wont happen ever. i still believe that if you find a great guy who's not boring it will be easier to get your mind on something else.

 

whenever youre feeling down. when you think that you cant move on or find anything better in life. when youre feeling your life will never be as good as before. ask yourself

 

why should i give up on it before i've actually lived it.

 

translation.. dont give up on happiness even if thats not with him.

 

Thanks so much for trying to help me. I'm stuck in memories today and tonight, which is what seems to happen most weekends. Just want to tell him I miss him.

[lilyblue]

If yoru ex was a BPD'r, then NC should be to forget them altogether. Dont fall for the "get your ex back with NC" bs. it doesnt work if your SO has mental issues like this. They turn off liekalight switch, paint your black and have already moved on that very day since BPD people cannot be alone. They have a fear of abandonment, so they jump from one relationship to the next and NC doesnt work. Use NC to heal and move on, dont use it get them back.

No text, facebook visists, calls, drive by's, etc.. If you do any of these things, then NC starts over again, and the wounds are raw again.

 

He's not bipolar, but thanks.

[chados]

Thanks so much for trying to help me. I'm stuck in memories today and tonight, which is what seems to happen most weekends. Just want to tell him I miss him.

 

 

 

 

anytime lily. dont be afraid of letting go, because thats the best way to ever get him back and at the same time, its the best way of finding new happiness. its amazing how much pain you can feel after a breakup. and its amazing how fast you can go from miserably to happy when youre least expecting it. well i cant say that im happy. but i do feel much better, and it happened fast. go on dates, and have fun. there will be someone else out there that are just as good, and maybe he even suits you better. remember, its not about replacing him.

[lilyblue]

anytime lily. dont be afraid of letting go, because thats the best way to ever get him back and at the same time, its the best way of finding new happiness. its amazing how much pain you can feel after a breakup. and its amazing how fast you can go from miserably to happy when youre least expecting it. well i cant say that im happy. but i do feel much better, and it happened fast. go on dates, and have fun. there will be someone else out there that are just as good, and maybe he even suits you better. remember, its not about replacing him.

 

I'll try to least expect it

 

I was talking to a friend who hadn't heard the story this morning, and it always makes me feel better to see a new person's reaction (since it's always in my favor...). She knows him as well and couldn't believe he had done that. It just feels nice to hear someone else say he obviously has some big issues (going back to the ex that left him, twice).

 

Sometimes I wonder if I was too passive in the "break up" and if I should have been more in his face. Did I let him just get away with it too easily so that he didn't have to feel guilty? While I am glad I didn't chase him, I also feel quite frustrated that he didn't even have to own up to it. Sometimes I try to rationalize texting him by thinking that at least it will give him a 1/4 second gut reaction if nothing else. Do normal people just let their SO disappear? Or did that look totally weak?

[chados]

I'll try to least expect it

 

I was talking to a friend who hadn't heard the story this morning, and it always makes me feel better to see a new person's reaction (since it's always in my favor...). She knows him as well and couldn't believe he had done that. It just feels nice to hear someone else say he obviously has some big issues (going back to the ex that left him, twice).

 

Sometimes I wonder if I was too passive in the "break up" and if I should have been more in his face. Did I let him just get away with it too easily so that he didn't have to feel guilty? While I am glad I didn't chase him, I also feel quite frustrated that he didn't even have to own up to it. Sometimes I try to rationalize texting him by thinking that at least it will give him a 1/4 second gut reaction if nothing else. Do normal people just let their SO disappear? Or did that look totally weak?

 

 

trust me theres nothing more attractive then just letting him go. normal people dont. they are naturally chasing the dumper. thats probably why they wont come back. its all about accepting their wishes. if he's a normal guy with normal IQ he knows what he has done is weak. you got the upper hand here not him.

[M2155]

Sometimes I wonder if I was too passive in the "break up" and if I should have been more in his face. Did I let him just get away with it too easily so that he didn't have to feel guilty? While I am glad I didn't chase him, I also feel quite frustrated that he didn't even have to own up to it. Sometimes I try to rationalize texting him by thinking that at least it will give him a 1/4 second gut reaction if nothing else. Do normal people just let their SO disappear? Or did that look totally weak?

 

Lily HE was the one who was passive. I know you think a little reaction will make you feel better but in my case it didn't. My ex didn't "own up" to it. He said some crap like "I wish things had turned out differently." Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I can hardly say it helped. You're not going to get the reaction you want because he is determined in his decision. We are grow ups. He made a cowardly move. He was the weak one. Listen to Chados, your ex KNOWS what he did was lame. You still calling him out on it is just going to make him feel better about his decision or that you're still willing to deal with him. It's not your job to get him to man up.

[chados]

Lily HE was the one who was passive. I know you think a little reaction will make you feel better but in my case it didn't. My ex didn't "own up" to it. He said some crap like "I wish things had turned out differently." Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I can hardly say it helped. You're not going to get the reaction you want because he is determined in his decision. We are grow ups. He made a cowardly move. He was the weak one. Listen to Chados, your ex KNOWS what he did was lame. You still calling him out on it is just going to make him feel better about his decision or that you're still willing to deal with him. It's not your job to get him to man up.

 

 

 

 

You still calling him out on it is just going to make him feel better about his decision

 

 

yes, kinda stupid world were living in. the day a dumper doesnt act selfish im gonna eat my laptop

[lilyblue]

Oh how easy it is to have a self-centered perspective! Of course I didn't even think about the fact that he was the one that was passive. That made me laugh that you said that. Not that it takes away all my doubt about how I reacted, but, really, WHAT could be more passive and lame than what he did??

 

I know it's not the point, but I hope what I did just made me more attractive. Two of the women who he had briefly dated before me continued to try and maintain contact with him (one leaving him presents on his door, showing up at his brother's house, etc) and I didn't want to do that. They were always the one initiating - this was before we started dating and I knew all about it. I didn't want to be the "crazy" one.

 

He is a normal guy with a normal IQ and expressed guilt about several things while we were together (not necessarily related to us, just proves that he is capable of that emotion). So, I do hope he feels like he did a completely sh**** thing. How do you think me calling him out on it would make him feel better?

 

It's his job to make himself man up, I agree. I just wish he would do his job!!

[chados]

Oh how easy it is to have a self-centered perspective! Of course I didn't even think about the fact that he was the one that was passive. That made me laugh that you said that. Not that it takes away all my doubt about how I reacted, but, really, WHAT could be more passive and lame than what he did??

 

I know it's not the point, but I hope what I did just made me more attractive. Two of the women who he had briefly dated before me continued to try and maintain contact with him (one leaving him presents on his door, showing up at his brother's house, etc) and I didn't want to do that. They were always the one initiating - this was before we started dating and I knew all about it. I didn't want to be the "crazy" one.

 

He is a normal guy with a normal IQ and expressed guilt about several things while we were together (not necessarily related to us, just proves that he is capable of that emotion). So, I do hope he feels like he did a completely sh**** thing. How do you think me calling him out on it would make him feel better?

 

It's his job to make himself man up, I agree. I just wish he would do his job!!

 

 

just think about this way. what if youre calling him crying and he wants you back. if he's single he would probably talk with you until you hang up.

 

if he doesnt want you back he might comfort you if he's single but after a while get exhausted about talking with you. if he's not single and dont want you back he would probably get angry with you and hang up fast.

 

 

lets view it in a different way. your calling him and you sound happy.

 

 

he's single and want you back. you dont start to blame him or even talk about the past. this could mean that "he will apologize to you". just the fact that he's thinking about you and youre acting like youve moved on is far more powerful then any excuses. he know what he did wrong.

 

 

if he doesnt want you back, how could he be mean if youre acting like you got no intensions to talk about the past. he would probably just think, why is she calling me like this? does she want to be my friend?...

 

 

this is just my 2 cents. of course it depends on how youre acting on your phonecall. but i wouldnt say this is something you should risk.

[lilyblue]

just think about this way. what if youre calling him crying and he wants you back. if he's single he would probably talk with you until you hang up.

 

if he doesnt want you back he might comfort you if he's single but after a while get exhausted about talking with you. if he's not single and dont want you back he would probably get angry with you and hang up fast.

 

 

lets view it in a different way. your calling him and you sound happy.

 

 

he's single and want you back. you dont start to blame him or even talk about the past. this could mean that "he will apologize to you". just the fact that he's thinking about you and youre acting like youve moved on is far more powerful then any excuses. he know what he did wrong.

 

 

if he doesnt want you back, how could he be mean if youre acting like you got no intensions to talk about the past. he would probably just think, why is she calling me like this? does she want to be my friend?...

 

 

this is just my 2 cents. of course it depends on how youre acting on your phonecall. but i wouldnt say this is something you should risk.

 

And in most of your scenarios he is single, which is ultimately something he's not. I miss him. I wish I could tell him. Went out with another guy last night. He was ok, less boring than the last guy I went out with but I just miss our connection. Sometimes it seems so harmless to just send one text and see if anything would happen. It can't be worse than it is right now. I wonder if he'll really never talk to me again.