Author Breezy Trousers Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 I wasn't very clear was I? Sorry about that BT. I was agreeing with you about what you said and that the other poster misread you - likely on purpose IMO. Oh! I totally misunderstood! .... Thanks for letting me know, Donna!
Author Breezy Trousers Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 I'm posting here because this is related to the topic. It probably should be a separate journal entry. I can't figure out to do a journal entry, though. I write long posts (), but this one is exceptionally long. Please indulge me. It's the missing piece for me. I wanted to get it out in writing because writing helps me see things clearly and make sense of things. It's partly why I come here. So no need to reply. _____________________ I saw Gary Zukav and his partner, Linda Francis, at a conference about 7 years ago. I wasn't a fan but my attention perked up when Zukav identified himself as a recoveredsex addict. He explained how his promiscuity/infidelity was actually related to issues of powerlessness/inauthentic power. He said once he discovered authentic power, through the help of his long-term committed relationship with Francis, his addiction gradually healed and dropped away. (Previously, Zukav, a Vietnam vet, had been unfaithful and promiscuous in all his relationships and highly invested in macho behavior.) ..... Later, Zukav and Francis shared an elevator with me & DH. We were struck by how genuinely connected they seemed. Anyway, that was the extent of my interest in Zukav. A couple weeks ago, I was cleaning out bookcases. I came across Zukav's 1989 book, Seat of the Soul. I've had it for 20 years. It's one of the rare books I never could read but could never toss out over the years. I was again debating what to do with it when I opened to its chapter entitled "Addiction." What Zukav wrote fascinated me. He was actually writing about sex addiction. However, when this book came out (1989), sex addiction research was in its infancy and there was still a lot of cultural denial/national guffawing about it. So Zukav refers to it simply as "addiction." Here's what he says about sex addicts/sex addiction. I think it can apply to affair partners. Maybe you'll find it as interesting as I did. If not, please move on to another thread. The "you" he is referring to is the sex addict. * Sex addiction is not merely about attraction. Sex addiction is about unacknowledged fear. * Sex addiction cannot truly be satiated by sex. * Sex addiction can remain dormant within a relationship through fear of loss & security, but it will "break through the facade of monogamy" when you feel most insecure or threatened. That's when you will feel sexual attraction to others. * When you are sexually out of control, you are actually experiencing issues with your own power. No one in his/her authentic power center will ever be sexually out of control. * So addictive sexual attraction is actually a signal that you are experiencing powerlessness and are desiring to feed upon a weaker soul to regain the illusion of power. * Sex without reverence is merely one soul feeding upon a weaker soul. * The way out of sex addiction is to remind yourself that you are, in the moment, feeling powerlessness and are desiring to feed upon a weaker soul than yourself to restore your sense of power/domination. That desire FEELS like sexual attraction, but its undercurrent is actually being fueled by a sense of powerlessness. * The person you (the addict) are drawn to is actually a response in YOU of a weakness detection system you've used to scan those around you. *When your "weakness detection system" locates a person who is weak enough to be susceptible to you, you interpret this as sexual attraction. But you are actually exploiting that weakness to feel POWER, not LOVE. * Because this is about power, you do not wish to see that "the weaker soul" is actually preying on you, too. * It's one thing to be sexually involved with someone and not feel anything but it's quite another to recognize that, deep down, the person you've chosen isn't truly feeling anything for you, either, but is using you. * Your refusal to be emotionally involved with that person is actually the way you avoid recognizing the fact the "weaker" soul is using you, too. * When one soul preys upon another and the weaker soul responds, both souls are weak. So, Zukav asks: Exactly who is preying upon whom in the end? * The need to dominate is the need to be submissive. Both are power plays. * The greater your soul's desire to heal your addiction, the greater the cost to keep it. Whatever you hold most dear in life -- family, career -- will be placed at jeopardy and Life, in compassionate response, will encourage you to heal it. * Each time you challenge temptation, you gain (authentic) power, and it loses your power. __________________________ I see so many connections between what Zukav wrote here and my own inappropriate attraction between 2008-2010. I suppose I would be identified as the "weaker" soul there but, in truth, I was preying on the MM the same way he was on me -- for a power exchange. I felt terribly insecure & scared and was wanting this man's power/protection to feel safe in the world I suddenly found myself thrust in, not realizing I could only be the source that safety for myself. Also, the powerlessness thing. So true. Just as I had experienced a loss (losing a "family" of nearly 20 years), MM had just experienced an enormous loss, too. I knew his grief / powerlessness (however unacknowledged) had to be fueling the whole thing. The timing of it was too obvious. (As flattered as I was, I never lost my mind. I knew I wasn't THAT hot. ) I'm relieved I conquered that temptation and gradually found authentic power through it. I'm convinced I needed the experience and, in a way, I needed MM for that. For all I've learned on LS -- and I've learned a lot! -- Zukav's chapter was the missing piece for me. I feel like I've graduated now ... I always say I'm glad I didn't hurt anyone, but I really only meant I was glad I didn't hurt my husband, his wife, his kids and me. Now I can finally include MM in that, too. It's done.
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