I guess i'm going to "hang-out" with a woman because the word "date" is too scary?

[phineas]

She asked me to lunch, talked like she wanted to date & when I asked her on a "date" she waffled big time & wanted to just "hang out".

 

So I told her she can call it whatever she wants but my intentions are purely romantic & if I feel like she is wasting my time she's done.

 

Then she said we can "date" but she doesn't want to label it & doesn't just jump into bed with anyone until she gets to know them.

She also tossed in that she wasn't looking to get married or anything. HUH?

 

Then she invited me out to her place next week to "hang-out" I think.

She was talking so fast it got confusing.

I think she was nervous?

 

I don't know why, she asked me to lunch.

 

Normally, I just tell them to call me when they want to "date" but she was insistent that she wanted to see me again & that's never happened before.

 

I suppose I got nothing to loose by seeing her & still keeping my options open?

 

She said she would call me later this week so balls in her court.

 

anyone else run into this?

[dasein]

Are you sure this one is legal age?

[phineas]

Are you sure this one is legal age?

 

Dude, she's like 40.

I'm serious.

 

i'm at a loss here.

[dasein]

drain bamage maybe?

[thatone]

been talking to her kids too much. i would've bet on her being about 19.

[phineas]

been talking to her kids too much. i would've bet on her being about 19.

 

no kids.

 

Was engaged.

He cheated.

 

She seemed cool up until that point.

Not sure what i'm going to do if I hear from her again.

 

at least I know i'm not being a jerk expecting some kind of direction in what is actually going on.

[lemonlegs]

Well, I can tell you that I've used those words before because yes, it seems a lot more casual than saying "date".

 

I'm 20... not 40, but perhaps it's the same reason?

[carhill]

Then she invited me out to her place next week to "hang-out" I think.

 

While you're hanging out, play a little 'doctor'.

[neowulf]

Just sounds like she's got some major baggage left over from being cheated on.

 

She likes you, but the internalised fear of reliving the pain she went through before is causing her anxiety to sky rocket.

 

By telling herself "It's not serious", she side steps the triggers in her mind that cause the anxiety. She's lonely, she wants to be close. She's just terrified of it.

 

If it *was* serious and she admitted to herself that she might have the chance to have a "relationship" with you, the fear of being that vulnerable again would shut her down completely.

 

It's not an uncommon pattern. It's a sad side effect of the emotional trauma that comes with the breakup of long term relationships.

 

If you really like the women, you're going to have to go very easy on her and win her trust. That's the hardest part. She wants to know you won't hurt her. She needs to know she can trust herself with you.

 

If that sounds like a little too much work, you might want to look at someone else.

[orion1010]

she wouldn't have invited you to come over if she didn't like you. I would go but keep it light and fun. Don't come on strong sexually unless she starts it. She is just really scared. Just give it the feel that you're hanging out and having fun. The word date to her mean scary unwanted pressure.

 

Start out low key and just read into her body language. See what happens. if she's way guarded, then maybe back off and find someone else. She may not be ready to "date" at this point.

 

I understand what she's feeling. I felt like that after my ex fiance and I broke up. It was really scary jumping back in the saddle again.

[carhill]

OP, I re-read your posts carefully and will opine that I recognize a pattern I've seen a lot, namely the assertive come-on, then backing off with the sad story. I've come to call this the sympathy bob and weave. Perhaps that's cynical but it's borne of a lifetime of listening to women's sob stories.

 

It's all too convenient and the antithesis of what you're looking for, IIRC, which is a LTR. I gave a lot of these the benefit of the doubt and got strung along big time. They're very good at what they do.

 

Please disregard if this is a person known to you and you are aware of or have verified her circumstances independently and she is known as an otherwise healthy prospect going through a difficult time.

 

I've heard LS'ers use the word 'unstable' and that word would describe a number of the dynamics I gave the benefit of the doubt to. You're a pretty smart guy and have been through a lot. Trust your instincts, always. Review this and apply your life experience. Good luck

[phineas]

Carhill - i recognize it now also. Hence why I specifically told her what I was looking for & not to waste my time.

 

I ran into this hang-out mentality with women much younger than me really just looking to have fun. How I handled those women,

 

Hang-out, treat them like friends. No cudling, no emotional tamponing, no gay shopping buddying, keep my options open & when they say something about me hitting on other women in front of them I just say "hey, your not my GF".

 

essentially I friendzone them. Before too long their jumping my bones. Then their gone in a few weeks.

 

It was a good summer. LOL!

 

Just havn't seen it often in women my age much. They don't even want to go out with guy unless he is looking for something long term. So i'm just perplexed here.

 

My immediat reaction was she just aint, that into me & attention whore but she still wants to hang & i can promise she won't be dangling that sex carrot.

 

I do actually know this woman a little. Same social circles. Seen her around. She has been with other men so i'm wondering if she's just trying to convince me she isn't "that way" when she really is. LOL!

 

I do know the cheating fiance' is true but it happened like 4 or 5 yrs ago.

She also never seemed the least bit interested in me until she saw me in my recent in shape incarnation.

That part doesn't honestly doesn't bother me either. For me it just levels the playing feild when dealing with very attractive women.

 

 

I talked to my buddy my age about this & he said it's happened to him & he told me to just hang out, keep a platonic boundry, don't make her a priority, keep my options open & let her know sex = exclusive & let her make the decision.

 

so essentially treat her like the other flighty women I met over the summer even though she's almost 40 & they were in their late 20's early 30's.

 

I'm also seeing a former woman the FZ'd me when I was fat. She's been bugging me to come out to her clothing store so she can help me out with a new wardrobe. LOL!

 

Hey, 40% off, manager discount & a woman who wants to see how good I can look in clothes that actually fit as a personal shopper? It's a situation full of win far as i'm concerned.

[dispatch3d]

doesn't date much? but she's 40. Anyhow I would guess doesn't date much.

[phineas]

doesn't date much? but she's 40. Anyhow I would guess doesn't date much.

 

 

Oh but she does date men.

She just isn't dating them.

[phineas]

She had a bad day at work & didn't feel like doing anything.

 

Color me shocked. LOL!

 

She either is stricken with fear or she realized she can't lead me on.

 

Either way, she cancelled & I leave it up to her to reschedule.

[CocoaBrown]

She asked me to lunch, talked like she wanted to date & when I asked her on a "date" she waffled big time & wanted to just "hang out".

 

So I told her she can call it whatever she wants but my intentions are purely romantic & if I feel like she is wasting my time she's done.

 

Then she said we can "date" but she doesn't want to label it & doesn't just jump into bed with anyone until she gets to know them.

She also tossed in that she wasn't looking to get married or anything. HUH?

 

Then she invited me out to her place next week to "hang-out" I think.

She was talking so fast it got confusing.

I think she was nervous?

 

I don't know why, she asked me to lunch.

 

Normally, I just tell them to call me when they want to "date" but she was insistent that she wanted to see me again & that's never happened before.

 

I suppose I got nothing to loose by seeing her & still keeping my options open?

 

She said she would call me later this week so balls in her court.

 

anyone else run into this?

 

DO NOT use the words "hang out"!!! I had a guy who kept saying that and it's actually the reason I won't spend time with him. I'm not your buddy....I'm a woman so I'm not going to "hang out" with you. When and if he can ask me out on a date I might consider it.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. You're a man.... laying it all out there and being clear about what you want! No bull**** hang out mess. Turn on for me! A woman who is ready to date will eventually accept your offer.

[carhill]

Color me shocked. LOL!

Yep, just another day in the neighborhood. The good news is, when you run across a healthy one, you really will be shocked. Stupefied. Mortified. Petrified.

[phineas]

DO NOT use the words "hang out"!!! I had a guy who kept saying that and it's actually the reason I won't spend time with him. I'm not your buddy....I'm a woman so I'm not going to "hang out" with you. When and if he can ask me out on a date I might consider it.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. You're a man.... laying it all out there and being clear about what you want! No bull**** hang out mess. Turn on for me! A woman who is ready to date will eventually accept your offer.

 

Thank you.

 

I had a relapse.

It happens. LOL!

[dispatch3d]

dude why didn't you preemptively cancel on her? I know know, how old are we? well, apparently 40 hahaha.

[phineas]

dude why didn't you preemptively cancel on her? I know know, how old are we? well, apparently 40 hahaha.

 

Hey by canceling she at least did what I requested.

Not waste my time.

 

This is what happens when I try to actually date somebody.

 

i'm going back to cruising the bars for flings or at least a winter GF. LOL!

[dispatch3d]

I'm starting to half think part of guys problems is that we don't screen at all. Like we pretty much assume we should be able to date any girl, and anytime a girl "rejects" us then its some sort of internal personality problem we have. Really, it could frigin be a personality problem the girl has. Like this girl has issues, you really want to date someone that can't show up to a date without having "a bad day at work". I doubt she's very fun. It could just be a difference of operation as well.

 

What brought this about is me trying to date this girl whose the biggest pain in the ass. She did something that pissed me off, and my friends got angry too. I brought it up to her, and rather than talk about it she threw a fit and is now refusing to talk to me. Lol. How fun would it be to date her? Everytime I had an issue I'd have to not bring it up and just accept what she's doing. Yuck. Different communication styles=not a match.

[Glove_slap]

She's testing you, she doesn't like putting labels on relationships because she's a liberated women, she's in denial, she wants you to do all the work, she's been hurt before so she doesn't want to invest in something that might break her heart again, all women want to get married after a certain age so she's probably immature, she probably just wants to have casual sex and not give you the idea that she is romantically attached to you as she might have other men in her life.

 

There are 1001 and one possibilities.

[phineas]

At lunch she was "buying" as in she actually said she was interested in dating.

 

Then on the phone she tried to make it seem like I wanted to get married because I asked her on a date.

 

I honestly think she's just an attention whore now & plan on ignoring her if she tries to contact me.

 

She is a very beutiful woman so obviously she is used to men excusing her poor behavior & immaturity. Not this man.

 

What amazes me is when I was fat women that litterally blew me off & ignored me are sniffing around & have the nerve to act like they have no idea why we stopped seeing each other & expect me to just accept that?

 

IF a woman called me up & admitted I was too fat for her but now i'm not and took responcibility for blowing me off i'd probably date them.

 

As long as they hadn't gained any weight.

 

But that will never happen. They just blame shift it on me and make it seem like I'm the one who stopped calling. (which is a lie) As if the phone only worked one-way or something. LOL!

[dasein]

What amazes me is when I was fat women that litterally blew me off & ignored me are sniffing around & have the nerve to act like they have no idea why we stopped seeing each other & expect me to just accept that?

 

Ran into one of these at an event lately. She was all "You know I really wanted to date you then," when in actuality she had cancelled our second and third dates for very suspect reasons, didn't suggest alternative plans, never once called or contacted me. I bit my tongue and didn't mock her, but have to wonder what alternate dimension of reality some of them inhabit.

 

Another couple of them fairly recently who I dated in the past very briefly, they are married now, "I should have married you." They did the same types of bad behavior in early dating, and marriage, let alone an exclusive dating relationship, was never on the table from my end. As if they have complete control over what man will marry them. Those two are still friends of mine, and are good people generally, but the sense of privilege is shocking.

 

Sometimes I feel, in my dating life with women, like a good natured labrador retriever with "female attention" the equivalent of rude little children poking their fingers in my eyes, twisting my ears, and trying to ride me like a pony.

Edited December 16, 2011 by dasein

[phineas]

OMG I can say I feel that way also.

I know it isn't all women but I think at our age that's mostly what's left over?

 

Or they spent their life dating jerks that have just used them & now their trying to make a man jump through hoops or playing games to get a man to chase?

 

I don't know. I only know that a grown-assed adult should know better than to act this way.

 

It smacks of poor manners.