quyster Posted May 30, 2004 Posted May 30, 2004 I'm now 22 years old male. I had a lot of girlfriends before but non of them were serious, I mean i never have strong feeling with them. So I never had a good chance to get to know women for how they really are. Until I met ex-girlfriend 3 years ago and I changed my whole life style because of her. She was my first love, and she meant everything to me. At first, I understood her as a very innocent little girl who doesn't care about anything but friendship and love. We lived together and I trusted her with everything. Until two months before we broke up, she started changing and acted differently toward me. Talking less, spend less time together, pick fights with me, going out more with her friends... I got mad because I felt something wrong but can't explain or say, we fought and I broke up with her 2 times, for only 1 day though. But the last time, she broke up with me using the excuse that, she needs to find herself, need time alone, love me but not in love with me. I mean none of her excuses makes sense, because I gave her all the freedom that a boyfriend could give. She started bringing up all the things I did that bothered her but she never had a problem with those things before. After the break up, she changed into a totally different person: everyone says she changed, have more guy friends, all about money, lie like there's no tomorrow. I just don't understand how a girl who used to love me that much can change the way she is in a quickness. I'm very confused and hurt.
uriel Posted May 30, 2004 Posted May 30, 2004 Well, what's happening is that you were both young when you got together, and as you're growing up (the rest of the way, anyway), you're both thinking about what direction you want your lives to take and who you need to be to go there. This girl has decided that she wants her life to go in a different direction than the one she was heading in when you met. She's trying to remake herself, or to express the inner self she now perceives herself to be, in order to follow that path. Unfortunately, she views you as a part of her old self and old path. She doesn't think you can be a part of this future path she's taking for some reason. She feels limited not by how you treat her necessarily, but by who you are. She doesn't imagine you as the kind of person who can go in that direction with her. Maybe also, part of the dream is doing this on her own. That's possible, now that she's grown up some more and has greater self confidence. So, bottom line is that her breaking up with you probably isn't really about how you treated her -- or even about you specifically. You could be the best guy in the world, and the sweetest boyfriend. But, you're associated with the past she wants to leave behind. This is much more about this girl wanting to break away from who she was and become something she envisions. Now, that may be a fantasy. Very often, people change location, career, sets of friends, self image in order to avoid dealing with more lasting, deeper sources of dissatisfaction. If it is, there's no way to tell her that now. She'll have to discover it for herself. This may also be part of her natural growth process. If that's the case, she's not ready yet to settle down with someone and learn to grow together. Sometimes, early relationships fall apart because of that kind of bad timing. -- uriel
hurtingandconfused Posted May 30, 2004 Posted May 30, 2004 Wow uriel... You really got down the womens' perspective of life eh?
uriel Posted May 30, 2004 Posted May 30, 2004 [color=blue]Wow uriel... [color=cyan] You really got down the womens' perspective of life eh?[/color][/color] Well -- guilty as charged. I am one. And Steve-O, for you, an Archie Bunkerism: Stifle! -- uriel
bamaguy20 Posted May 30, 2004 Posted May 30, 2004 guyster, man this is the exact same thign that happend to me..was with my girl almost 2 years...things were great...in a matter of weeks all that changed...hanging out with new people who are nothign but bad news, says shes not "in" love with me anymore, same ****ing story..and i cant figure it out either..how do you go from being madly in love..she was my frist serious girlfriend, i was in love with her so much..i was the first guy she ever had sex with, never felt like anyone the way she did about me, and one day all that ended..shed bring up stupid little things that i did in the past that made her mad..trivial things, whenit came down to it....id love to know why so many other guys on here have the EXACT same story as me..obvioulsy its something all girls go through or do.......ive heard sooo many exact stories as mine, and cant figure out why they all sound so firmiliar....mabye thats a good thing though..mabye this is something alot of girls go through when they are really in love with a guy, or something....i dont know....all i know is it hurts really bad now, konwing that she is out there talking to some other guys, and more than likly hooking up with one of them..it hurts real bad, but i guess if its meant to be, this is what has to happen first...
Author quyster Posted May 30, 2004 Author Posted May 30, 2004 Wow Uriel Thank you for those good tips. I thought about what you said before too. I noticed she started changing after her new job. At first she was trying to hide, or fight against her changing, but I guess herself came out at last and she can't help it. But she never admit that she's changed, even though everybody elses are saying that (me, her best friend, parents, brother....) She has more friends, change the way she looks, personality changed, attitude....... She starts to care less about other's feeling and more into herself. Everything for herself. More independent, stronger. I mean I went nut just thinking how can that be possible. URIEL! SINCE U DID THE SAME THING. DO YOU EVER REALIZE IT? WHEN? U FEEL REGRET AFTER ???? IF ANYBODY ELSE HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE, PLEASE GIVE ME COMMENT. THANKS
uriel Posted May 30, 2004 Posted May 30, 2004 Yes, I was aware that I was changing -- but I didn't think of it as becoming a different person. I thought of it as improving myself and expressing who I really believe myself to be. I did have someone -- an old friend -- say she thought I'd changed. Since that left her behind, she didn't think it was for the better. I have regretted some of the relationships that didn't make the transition with me, but probably not in the way you hope your girlfriend will. What I mean is, I've nostalgia for how things were, but I prefer how things are. As for your ex: There's nothing wrong with her being confident, independent, or strong, of course. That's what ideally does happen to people as they grow up and accept themselves. They come to stand on their own two feet. Sounds like she might have been dependent on you -- too dependent. That means she's going to want to stay free and clear unless something dramatically changes about you or how you interact with her. And maybe, as I said before, not even then. It's hard to move forward when she's reminded too much of the past. Unfortunately, good a guy as you are, you're lumped in with that. Take care -- uriel
bamaguy20 Posted May 30, 2004 Posted May 30, 2004 guyster.....my sn is paley001...send me a message sometime man.....my story is IDENTICAL to yours......i think us talking more would be benefitial to both of us
musictex Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 i'm in a very similar situation but i am the girl and he is the one who has changed - it's killing me (we dated 4 years and broke up 6 months ago)
skynet74 Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 So many of us have the same story. I was with my Girl for 10 Years! We lived together for almost the entire time. We were even engaged to be married about two weeks ago. However in January she started getting more distant. Telling me that she needed time to sort through stuff in her head. Then she stopped sleeping in the same bed with me and started sleeping in the living room instead telling me that she was enjoying her own space. Then by the end of the month she was enjoying her own space at her friends house. She took all her clothes and left me alone in our apartment. A week later she started seeing this client from work at her hair salon. Well she did her best to turn that friendship into a relationship. I suddenly no longer mattered to her. In a tragic turn of events he dies from alchohol poisoning one night while they are together. Three weeks later she comes back to me and wants to give it another shot. I was still so in love with the girl that I tried my best to overlook all the pain she had put me through during the last three months. I figured that now since the other Guy was permently gone that perhaps her and I could get back to normal. Our relationship lasted for two more months until she decided that it wasn't working for her. I later find out that she had met someone again two nights before her and I were supposed to move back in together. So basicly thew way things are going this year....... She only wants me when there isn't someone else waiting in the wings. She now has a Yahoo personal ad up claiming that this latest guy was just a rebound and now she is ready for the next step! Well what is the Next Step? I don't even think she knows at this point. My stable 10 year girlfriend has just totally changed everything she ever was. 1994 thru 2003 were awsome. Then as soon as 2004 rings in she decides to reinvent herself. She is 31 years old and never had a real Boyfriend before me. She was shy and a bit overweight when she was younger. Now I think she is trying to catch up on what she feel she missed out on before she met me. She has more confidence and is now suddenly wearing suggestive clothing and hanging out in bars with her friends. Something she very seldom ever did before. Because of her age it could actually be a MidLife crisis or some sort of a phase she's going through. But it hurts not knowing where the girl I love went. Her face and body are the same....... but her Personality is totally different. She used to be so loving and so caring. That's what made me fall in love with her. But now she is incredibly uncaring towards me. The "Real" her I knew for 10 years is no longer here. It's just not the same person anymore. She told me that she loves me but was never in love with me. She wanted to leave me for 6 years but stayed with me anyway. Bla bla Bla. All things that seem like the biggest Crock I've ever heard. She sure didn't seem miserable until maybe the last year we were together. She would get kind of distant and I would get upset. I'm the type who likes to talk through problems to solve them. She's the type who bottles things up until she eventually explodes. Well she exploded this year and She did it BIG TIME> The more I pushed to make it work, the more she pushed away from me. So now I am doing "No Contact" in the hopes that giving her the space she desires will allow her to work through her feelings. That may be our best chance at ever getting back together and making things good like they once were. Maybe if she has some time to miss me and appreciate what we once had one day things will be better. But right now she's just doing her own thing and I don't matter. How can someone's feelings appear to vanish after 10 Years!! Her brain went on vacation and I keep hoping that it will come back. Good Luck to anyone going through a similar situation. I wake up sick each morning from this. How do I even get through the day. I would give anything to have things back to the way they were. ANYTHING! John
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