Should I tell her I love her? Woman's Perspective?

[standupguy]

I'm(30) currently on a break (month and a half so far) from my girlfriend(25) of a year and a half. She initiated the break and I have no misconceptions that things may be headed for a break-up. It has been very hard for me.

 

We had no problems (and she confirms this), no real fights, got along incredibly, had a very healthy physical relationship and were best friends. Our only short coming was a bit of a lack of communication about the future, our own feelings, etc.

 

She feels she has been trapped in relationships all her life and needs time to herself, time to be an individual, time to grow on her own. I totally respect that, have stepped back to give her space and know how important that process is. Having been single for big chunks of time I guess I never really realized how important that alone time can be. Having said this, I am fully aware that we may never get back together and don't want to sound delusional.

 

The time apart has given me a lot of time to think and to my surprise, grow too! I feel like there are so many things I should have said to her that I never did. I also feel like some of these things are important for her to know.

 

We are supposed to touch base with each other after Christmas and I am seriously contemplating telling her that I love her (Which thanks to our time apart I now know I honestly do!). I never told her when we were together that I loved her and I really regret that. I guess I was a little afraid, and more importantly, wanted to be 100% sure before I said it. I'm fairly confident that she already has a good idea that I love her but never having said the words really bothers me now. She hasn't said she loves me either and I don't expect to hear it back if I tell her but for some reason I just really want her to know.

 

I want to make it perfectly clear that I am in no way trying to tell her I love her as a way to win her back.(I'll make this really clear to her as well if I tell her) At this point we are only checking in and I know she needs more time. I just can't help but feel that if for some reason I never saw or talked to her again I'd never forgive myself for not telling her I love her.

 

Thoughts? I'm interested in all opinions but would really like to hear a female perspective. I've talked this over with some friends but they are hopeless romantics that gave me a YES without even hesitating.

 

Thanks for listening!

Edited December 14, 2011 by standupguy

[bbronco]

I would not say I love you at this point. It just seems too cliche and "expected" if it wasn't able to happen over the course of a year and half relationship...but somehow it seems right in the midst of a break?

 

If you're going to have to go into it defending that you're not saying it to get her back...then you already know it's not the right time to say it at all.

 

Wait until things smooth themselves out on their own without the "I Love You"

[twinkles]

I don't believe in living with regrets. If this is important to you then by all means tell her.

 

Tell her in a way that doesn't appear to come from desperation.

 

Something like...regardless of the outcome of our situation I just want you to know that I do love you with all my heart and wish nothing but good things for you.

 

This doesn't imply you want her to come back now..it won't make her feel guilty or pressured..it will just leave her with something to think about.

[BoredAgain]

Maybe I shouldn't be answering this because I'm not a female, but...

 

Yeah, you should probably tell her. You say you're not expecting her to reciprocate, but you just want to be honest about your feelings. It doesn't seem like you're trying to play mind games or anything, so I really don't see any harm.

 

My question is, why are you doing this "month-long break" thing if you know where it's going? My Ex wanted to do that for a week, and I had to cut it short after two days because it was so damn agonizing. And, incidentally, I told her "I love you, so I'm letting you go" and still feel really good about saying that. So maybe getting your feelings off your chest will make you feel good too?

[standupguy]

Maybe I shouldn't be answering this because I'm not a female, but...

 

Yeah, you should probably tell her. You say you're not expecting her to reciprocate, but you just want to be honest about your feelings. It doesn't seem like you're trying to play mind games or anything, so I really don't see any harm.

 

My question is, why are you doing this "month-long break" thing if you know where it's going? My Ex wanted to do that for a week, and I had to cut it short after two days because it was so damn agonizing. And, incidentally, I told her "I love you, so I'm letting you go" and still feel really good about saying that. So maybe getting your feelings off your chest will make you feel good too?

 

That's good advice. The month long break is partially because we're both in different places overseas for work and she sprung the 'break' on me only two days before I left so I didn't have much time to process things. We talked a lot about the break and at the time I was comfortable with a 'break' but didn't realize just how hard it would be. I'm not 100% sure it's over, just my feeling. I really don't want to have these kind of discussions with her over Skype or email so it has had to wait until we're able to meet face to face. I will feel things out but I also feel like I'm headed for the "I love you so I'm letting you go" scenario.

 

Thanks for your feedback!

[orbiting]

Don't say it .. yet.

Let me explain: From what you relayed to us (and from what I know about my fellow females) .. she doesn't really know what she wants at this moment. You're in love, you want to be with her, but she is still trying to figure out whether she wants to be with you or whether she wants to "grow" as a person, etc, etc.

The hard truth?

A girl that is 25 years old and has been in relationships "all her life" is not going to take some time off from you, go read some hard-hitting Sartre and have an 'Eat, Pray, Love'-adventure to become more 'in tune with herself'. She is going to make a clean break, realise that what she wants is (surprise) to be in a relationship after all and .. will promptly find someone else.

I'm sorry, I know that sounds unnecessarily cynical and presumptuous but I genuinely have no reason to lie to you. I'm 23 years old, I have friends that are within our age bracket .. and there's no mystery to how these situations play out 99.9% of the time. She's just not sure whether she wants to stay with you (whether this is as "good as relationships are going to get") or whether she wants to go find something else.

 

So what does that mean? It means that if you tell her you love her now, it'll stifle her. She's either going to be a bit overwhelmed (not genuinely overwhelmed, but will probably make a power play aka "Oh my God, I need to take some time and think about what that means..") or she's just going to get wrapped up in the moment, say she loves you too and then, 2 months later, realise that nothing actually changed and she's in the midst of the same internal debate as she was before.

 

.. This has gotten long. My point: She doesn't know what she wants. You do. If you're honest with her now, it could backfire and end up being sh*te for you. If, when you've talked, you see she's come to her senses, then wait until she says it to you first.

 

Your time apart made you realise you love her. She's the one who initiated time apart -- if it hasn't made her realise the same thing, that says enough.

[wilsonx]

^

 

I agree with this post 100%

 

Very well written and says everything I would have said but much cleaner.

 

At the same time a break is a breakup in the making and you know this, if you both meet up face to face and talk only face to face, I would suggest that looking her in the eyes, telling her you love her and then walking away would be the best approach to this.

 

Otherwise I wouldn't do it just yet