2beme Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Ok. I just need to vent and get an opinion from others. A little background. Mid 30's/F Blond, Blue eyes, 5'7" Average build and have been told I am pretty, great smile and eyes. I have 3 children and have been divorced for a little over 2 years. I started dating about a year ago. Wanted to make sure the kids and I were settled into our routine. At 1st it was rough my oldest (11) did not like any man that would come over. She was mean to both of us even if I said that they were only friends. So this has happened to at least 2 guys. I have had a handful of 2 week to 1 month relationships that all of a sudden just end. I just don't know what it is. I am super fun to talk to, yes I have my hands full with kids but all but one of the guys I dated had kids. My most recent dating experience is currently happening. We work together but at different locations. Started out flirting and saw that we were boht on the same dating site. So helping each other out with the dating scene. We have gone to dinner, he met my mother and I during Thanksgiving because neither of us had the kids and we even had a playdate with the kids. We even met at a work party and had our 1st kiss. After the playdate I feel like he hasn't had any interest anymore. I see him online on the dating site. (Now I know that I am on there too but it is more to see if he is, maybe that is what he is doing too.) We were constantly talking at night and laughing and it has just stopped. Now I know that his job is alot more demanding then mine is but I really liked this guy. I don't want to say much like "Hey what is going on with us?" Because I don't want to scare him off but I would like to know where we are at. Are we done and he is just afraid to say anything. We were both really pumped that they upcoming weekend was the 1st weekend neither of us had our kids and we could hang out. Now I don't know what to expect. If you read this far. Thank you. I can tell you more if you have questions. I just don't get it. I feel like all men stay for a short time and then all of a sudden move on. ~Frustrated
Soxfaninfl Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Have you asked him how he feels about you?
Author 2beme Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 I really didn't think I needed to since he gave me all kinds of clues and the way he was talking to me I knew that he liked me. Another plus was that my oldest acutally liked him. This was a 1st and such a step for her! I am just torn. I guess I could ask but like I said I don't want him to feel like I want to jum right into a relationship if he is not ready. But then I think maybe he is thinking the same about me. Ahhh!
ditzchic Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 It seems like you are putting way too much stock into dating and relationships. 2 weeks-1 month does not a relationship make. And this last guy, you say you're helping each other get dates. There is no "us". It seems like you're just friends and that's probably why he's backing off after the kiss. Just take it slow with everyone you meet. Guard your heart a bit, don't put it out there on a silver platter for every person you talk to or meet. If you look at every "getting to know you" that hasn't worked out as a rejection your confidence and self-esteem is going to take a huge hit. It's also going to effect future dates you have with guys that could be perfect for you. Just take it easy. Enjoy your time getting to know new people and go with the flow and see what happens. Don't tie all of your self-worth into dating.
Author 2beme Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 That is the thing though is that I don't want to push it. But they always seem to go away when I am just starting to really like them. This last one is by far one of the best guys I have dated. I don't feel I did or said anything to push him away. The whole helping each other with dating thing turned out to be a fun way to flirt with each other and laugh. We had a good time with that and realized we had feelings for each other.
Quiet Storm Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 It's sad and unfair, but some men are always looking for the better deal. Although a total double standard, a woman's value in the dating world decreases as she ages. I am mid 30s, in shape and do not feel old, but in the dating world I would be considered past my prime. In addition, even if a man has his own children, a woman with children is often not considered as desirable. The thought of taking on another man's kids is scary for many men. Even if you reassure them that this is not your intention, they may only consider a casual relationship with you, as they don't want the package deal. So he probably likes you and is interested in you, but not enough to stop looking for a younger woman without kids. Men will not usually be honest about this. If you asked him, he would probably say something like he isn't looking for anything serious right now. There are men out there that aren't like that, though. It just may take awhile to find one. In order to weed them out, wait awhile before sleeping with them (not sure if you are or not). You say you have had a handful of of one or two month relationships. These men may consider you good enough to sleep with, but not good enough for a long term relationship. I am not saying you aren't good enough, but just informing you of what their thought process may be. Waiting a month or two to sleep with them may help to weed out the ones that are using you as a placeholder until they find someone else. Sorry if my advice is harsh, but this is the way that I see it from my experience. I would also advise you to keep these men away from your kids until you know them well and have an established relationship. Not only because it can be confusing for the kids, but because many predators and pedophiles target single moms. Since 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are victims of sexual abuse (many at the hands of family friends), you really need to be viligant about who is allowed in your home and around your kids. Try to stay positive and fill your life with people and activities that make you happy. There are men out there that aren't shallow, but it may take some time to find one.
Author 2beme Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 Definitely some good advice. Fortunately for me I am not sleeping with him. I have however known him for at least a year and know of the things that he has been through. So therefore I felt comfortable with him meeting the kids. I could be over reacting and all but I will just lay low and see where it takes me. For all I know he is just busy with his personal or work life. I mean I am busy too. Except for today. lol
dasein Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 It's sad and unfair, but some men are always looking for the better deal. Women, not men are the primary "upgraders" in relationships and marriages. It may seem otherwise sometimes, but that's because 80% of the women are out there chasing the same 5% of men, why would those men settle for less than they can command in the dating market? Although a total double standard, a woman's value in the dating world decreases as she ages. Not a double standard, 1. Women create the "age gap" by seeking older men when they are younger, so if you don't like the fact that women condition men to seek younger women starting in high school, look in the gender mirror first; 2. Men generally don't give a hoot about women's incomes, women do care about men's incomes, so man's value in dating decreases with his lack of financial success, much harder to obtain than merely "looking good." 3. Men's value in the dating market also decreases with age. Young women may hit on and sleep with older men during their young party years, but they generally want younger men to marry and have a family with. In order to weed them out, wait awhile before sleeping with them (not sure if you are or not). Excellent advice for all daters. OP, nothing sounds wrong with you from your OP. You say you have an "average" body, does that mean "U.S. average of being obese?" or "average as in not fat?" Anyone wanting to be successful dating these days, to get what they want, needs to get in the best diet and exercise shape possible before going out there. Our media saturated culture has created unrealistic expectations in people of both genders. Keep at it and good luck.
Author 2beme Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 OP, nothing sounds wrong with you from your OP. You say you have an "average" body, does that mean "U.S. average of being obese?" or "average as in not fat?" Anyone wanting to be successful dating these days, to get what they want, needs to get in the best diet and exercise shape possible before going out there. Our media saturated culture has created unrealistic expectations in people of both genders. Keep at it and good luck. Yes I do work out when I have the time but in the last 2 years I have gone from a size 18 to a size 10, which I tend to think is average. I feel great about myself and confident. I have had more compliments and men looking at me in the last 6 months then I ever have before in my life. Which I think is why I am so conscious of how others feel about me.
Janesays Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 First of all, I wouldn't be introducing these guys to your kids so soon. For two reasons: 1. Your kids don't need to see a revolving door of men going in and out of the house. 2. These men need to figure out how they feel about YOU before you bring the kids in to muddy up the waters. I'd be upfront about the fact that you have children, but I would also save introducing them to only the man you truly thought was going to be their step father. No one else should be granted that privilege. Personally, if I were dating a guy and he introduced me to his children within the first few weeks of dating, I would lose a little respect for him and think he wasn't a very good Dad.
Author 2beme Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 First of all, I wouldn't be introducing these guys to your kids so soon. For two reasons: 1. Your kids don't need to see a revolving door of men going in and out of the house. 2. These men need to figure out how they feel about YOU before you bring the kids in to muddy up the waters. I'd be upfront about the fact that you have children, but I would also save introducing them to only the man you truly thought was going to be their step father. No one else should be granted that privilege. Personally, if I were dating a guy and he introduced me to his children within the first few weeks of dating, I would lose a little respect for him and think he wasn't a very good Dad. Honestly it has only been 2 that they have met that they knew I was dating. There are men that come over that are friends and help me out with house stuff that needs fixing up. But honestly in each case they don't respond after meeting the kids. Like it is a shock and they may feel responsible if they stay in our relationship. I totally get it, it is just frustrating to me. And now that it seems to be happening with this one I just am getting more and more depressed.
Janesays Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Honestly it has only been 2 that they have met that they knew I was dating. There are men that come over that are friends and help me out with house stuff that needs fixing up. But honestly in each case they don't respond after meeting the kids. Like it is a shock and they may feel responsible if they stay in our relationship. I totally get it, it is just frustrating to me. And now that it seems to be happening with this one I just am getting more and more depressed. You're kids aren't stupid. They know. If you need something fixed up, hire a handyman. This is exactly why men and your kids shouldn't be meeting. It's not good for the mental wellbeing of your children and it's preventing the guys from getting to know YOU and emotionally invest in YOU because the children are muddying up the waters.
dasein Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I feel great about myself and confident. Sounds like you are just having a run of bad luck then, the dating world is harsh today.
Author 2beme Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 Sounds like you are just having a run of bad luck then, the dating world is harsh today. Yes it is!
FitChick Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 A woman who was your twin but who didn't have kids wouldn't have as much trouble dating. Your kids are only young once. Why not concentrate on them and when they are all teenagers start dating again. Since they will be dating also, they will be more sympathetic. If you decide to keep dating, do not bring the man to your house. Meet them elsewhere and only introduce him to the kids if you plan to get married. Lots of pedophiles target women like you who are desperate.
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