so many red flags !!

[danny1972]

so many red flags ,so many warnings about this troubled girl ,damadged if you will.

 

never thought i would end up with her ,used to see her in pubs on her own getting drunk ,kinda ignored her ,thought she was quite cute thats about it ,also knew she had bit bit of a colourfull past ,but hey never judge a book etc..

 

 

fast forward 2 years im in a relationship with her didn't respect her but seemed to like her she told me she was raped 3 times ,huge red flag there , she couldnt possibly sustain a relationship without working through her issues i thought .

 

needless to say i fell head over heals in love she seemed to cope with her ordeals very well ,ohh well life goes on type of attitude which i admired .

 

how very wrong i was when she was drunk , which was quite often she acted like a totall ass ,flirting with guys ,acting strange ,and even got me in to drinking quite heavily i might add ,sher turned me into something i never hoped i would become ...ever i was abusive towards her this girl pushed me to my limits was arrested 3 times ,countless arguements.

 

we split two yrs ago and to this day i beat my self up about it blaming my self and find it hard to meet someone , im the least violent person you could meet ,cant understand why i feel so bad sometimes ,she has had about 10 boyfriends since we split which indicates to me maybe she has the problem and her newest chap has it all to come .

 

i had 3 yrs of hell and im no longer willing to live in dysfunction i seem to attract damadged girls , i dont understand .

[smudge21]

Brother? Ha, I say that cos you seem to have the same issues as me, in that we sometimes get involved with the wrong girl. I ended up asking that question to a relationship expert after one such incident. Basically it came down to the fact I was the type of person who always sees the good in people, the potential to be better. Plus, I like to help or even save people, or at least try.

 

Basically what's happened as that instead of seeing this girl as just a quick bit of fun, you backed off and instead got to know her slowly, maybe even became friends at first. Thus you saw her other side, the person she keeps hidden (I do believe that people, not just women, who act slutty are often hiding their true selves, sometimes because they've been hurt in the past and simply believe that the only way to get the attention they need, is to be slutty. They confuse sex with love). You saw someone you could love and slowly, very slowly she got under your skin.

 

Sadly despite your desire to change her and have her be the person you wanted her to be, she still was the person you first met. As much as we often think we can change someone, it's down to them to change, and simply put, she was used to the way she was. She may never ever change these ways, it's what she's used to. But as the saviour type of guy, like me, you felt you could. But all that happened was she dragged you down rather than you building her up.

 

Like you too, I asked this expert why I seemed to attract these types of girls and it's not like I attract them, more I'm attracted to them - Basically, I see someone with a reputation, which from the off puts me right off them. As soon as we get to know each other, my mind simply says "nope, you're not going to jump into bed with her, you're going to be different and push her away, because you're a better person". So I do. Which in turn makes her more interested. Thus starts the "getting to know each other" scenario which means we take our time. During those early days, everything is great because she's experiencing something new, someone who doesn't just want to bed her, so she's happy, but the truth is, she's not changing. I'm just experiencing her inner self, the person she's locked away, the person she may want to be but doesn't know how to. Over time though, the slutty self comes back but by that time, I'm hooked.

 

Now, I just want to say I'm giving examples from my life, but I do believe this goes both ways - male and female. I've read the term "captain save-a-hoe" used here and it's true. We, male and female, meet people who have bad reps, we get to know a good side to them, fall in love with that side, but ignore the bad side and then think we can save them. The trouble is, it's so hard to walk away from those situations as we feel we're giving up on someone we care about so much. We feel that by going, we're letting them down, but in truth, their lives are out of our hands and there's nothing we can do.

 

Hope that helps in some way as reading your post reminded me that I'm not alone in the situations I find myself in occasionally.