edwards99 Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Hello all..just a quick background..met the woman i want to marry 3 yrs ago..things were amazing..then overtime my jealousy..lack of confidence etc etc..brought us to a seperation..for 3 months then we got back together..and the lack of affection and intimacy has made me moody..things set me off..i feel like our lack of sex life..ect..is a sign of not loving me or whatever.. she tells me its hard to feel inimate or want to express affection when i am moody..quiet..miserable looking..but to me this is a result of lack of affection and intimacy..like a viscious circle.. it really brings me down..makes me think things that arent true..leading to huge fights..she tells me she does feel it..wants it..but that i dont stay happy for very long and such makes her not want to get close..any ideas what i should or could do or think..i am at a loss..i dont want to lose her..i lover her to death..but i think i am sounding like a broken record..i need to feel that closeness..that excitement of a long kiss every once and while..the playfully sexual touches..etc etc..and i only want that with her..
carhill Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Here's some advice from a divorced guy... Your wife doesn't owe you anything. If you separated, whatever reconciliation results is new and voluntary. You and she both earn that reconciliation through your words and actions. If it doesn't work, then divorce. In the interim, what have you done to work on yourself? Name one area you've worked on. Did either of you suggest MC to more clearly communicate and accept your apparently differing styles of intimacy? Please, if possible, communicate in full sentences and paragraphs. It is much easier to comprehend that way, for the reader.
Author edwards99 Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 first..sry about my grammer..I just have alot to say..I have done personal solo councelling for the 18 months..totally changed who I turned into and she has recognized this and voiced it as well. Daily I am trying..and that's alot compared to what I was like. Does she owe me...no and I wasn't asking that..but should efforts be excused..and not returned..its like I am the only one trying..or so it feels sometimes..the affection and intimacy is something we both tell each other is very important and what wesay we BOTH want..but she turns away..or doesn't seem interested..ever..its always me going for a kiss..or intiating anything..not sure if I am getting out what I wanted to.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 first..sry about my grammer..I just have alot to say..I have done personal solo councelling for the 18 months..totally changed who I turned into and she has recognized this and voiced it as well. Daily I am trying..and that's alot compared to what I was like. Does she owe me...no and I wasn't asking that..but should efforts be excused..and not returned..its like I am the only one trying..or so it feels sometimes..the affection and intimacy is something we both tell each other is very important and what wesay we BOTH want..but she turns away..or doesn't seem interested..ever..its always me going for a kiss..or intiating anything..not sure if I am getting out what I wanted to. You've done counselling for a long time to still have what to me appear to be moods swings and obsessive tendencies. Have you seen a psychiatrist and discussed medication throughout this therapy or has it all been about "reasoning"? Personally I found therapy to be useless UNTIL medication changed me so that I could see the two me(s)--the one that would react a certain way under certain circumstances and the emotionally healthier me after, though medication, I learned what to look for in myself. I couldn't fake this if I tried. I had no clue how to think and feel differently in a sustainable way until I dealt with the chemistry of my intensities. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain. Good luck.
carhill Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I'll echo FF's advice about combinative talk-therapy with appropriate medical treatment, presuming this condition is a long standing part of your personality and not situational. Is your counselor a licensed psychologist? Has your wife shared with you how she experienced the change in your personality and behavior? Obviously, if you were moody and jealous, she would have never married you, so you weren't at that time. Have you gotten her perspective on that? Since you were married for 12 years before, you're no kid and know how marriage works. Did you ever resolve in therapy why you are jealous of your current wife but never felt that way about your exW?
KathyM Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Hello all..just a quick background..met the woman i want to marry 3 yrs ago..things were amazing..then overtime my jealousy..lack of confidence etc etc..brought us to a seperation..for 3 months then we got back together..and the lack of affection and intimacy has made me moody..things set me off..i feel like our lack of sex life..ect..is a sign of not loving me or whatever.. she tells me its hard to feel inimate or want to express affection when i am moody..quiet..miserable looking..but to me this is a result of lack of affection and intimacy..like a viscious circle.. it really brings me down..makes me think things that arent true..leading to huge fights..she tells me she does feel it..wants it..but that i dont stay happy for very long and such makes her not want to get close..any ideas what i should or could do or think..i am at a loss..i dont want to lose her..i lover her to death..but i think i am sounding like a broken record..i need to feel that closeness..that excitement of a long kiss every once and while..the playfully sexual touches..etc etc..and i only want that with her.. It IS a vicious cycle. I know a married couple that went through exactly what you describe. The husband was moody and irritable a lot of the time, which led to the wife not wanting his advances, which made him even more moody and irritable. It was a vicious cycle. You have to own your part in this though--when you are irritable, she's not interested in having sex with you. When she has sex with you, and you still appear to be angry and irritable, it feels like a slap in the face to her. Here she has just given you a wonderful, intimate part of herself, and going away with feelings of love and intimacy, and when you blow up a while later over some dumb thing, she feels invalidated and abused. So she avoids having sex with you altogether, because she is made to feel invalidated and abused whether she has sex with you or not. The only way to break this cycle is for you to get a grip over your anger and temper and poor mood. You need to realize that most women want and need emotional closeness in order to want physical closeness. They can't shut off their emotions and make sex simply a physical act. If you are being unpleasant to be around because of your bad mood, she's not going to want to be intimate with you. You have to improve your disposition if you want to turn this cycle around. You can't wait for her to have sex with you before you improve your disposition, and use the lack of it as an excuse for your negative disposition. If you are in control of your negative emotions and turn that around to display a positive, pleasant, loving disposition, I'm sure you'll have a better result with more intimacy from her. No one wants to make love to a prickly cactus. Think about it.
Author edwards99 Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 thank you all...given me somethings to think about for sure..really....thanks
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