KathyM Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 When my sister did OLD, she used to think it was polite to respond to all men who contacted her, and used to give a gentle, polite rejection to those she was not interested in. Then when she realized most of the guys were sending her inappropriate responses to her polite rejections, she stopped responding to any Emails at all if she wasn't interested in the guy. Those guys would just demand to know why she wasn't interested, insult her for rejecting them, or they became a pest and wouldn't take no for an answer. It's you men that have caused women to not respond at all, because most of you respond very badly to rejection.
PlumPrincess Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 When I was online dating, I decided I was going to respond to EVERY SINGLE message I got, whether I was interested or not. If I wasn't interested, I would write something nice like: "Thank you for your nice message. I looked over your profile and you seem like and nice and attractive man, but I don't think we have much in common. Good luck on your search." First of all, the first day I signed up, I got over 200 messages. I responded to them all. Hello wrist cramps! After that, I would receive about 10-20 new messages a day. HELLO WRIST CRAMPS! But finally, let me tell you why I quit responding: I would write my nice and polite rejection response and guys would respond with something insanely mean and hurtful like, "**** you, you ugly Cvnt. You're going to be single forever, blah, blah, blah." I would try so hard to be nice to these guys and I would say 8 out of 10 of them would spew straight venom back in my face. So yeah, I quit responding. Sue me. I used to reply to nearly all messages I received, except for the ones that were too creepy. I never got rude replies back, but after a while I got tired of being contacted by men with absurd expectations. Nowadys, I only reply if the guy seems to have a reasonable match with me or any good reason to seek contact. The others are just wasting my time.
Anela Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 When I was online dating, I decided I was going to respond to EVERY SINGLE message I got, whether I was interested or not. If I wasn't interested, I would write something nice like: "Thank you for your nice message. I looked over your profile and you seem like and nice and attractive man, but I don't think we have much in common. Good luck on your search." First of all, the first day I signed up, I got over 200 messages. I responded to them all. Hello wrist cramps! After that, I would receive about 10-20 new messages a day. HELLO WRIST CRAMPS! But finally, let me tell you why I quit responding: I would write my nice and polite rejection response and guys would respond with something insanely mean and hurtful like, "**** you, you ugly Cvnt. You're going to be single forever, blah, blah, blah." I would try so hard to be nice to these guys and I would say 8 out of 10 of them would spew straight venom back in my face. So yeah, I quit responding. Sue me. Ugh. Men were nice to me, when I responded with a "no, thank you" type message, but I didn't receive two-hundred messages in the first day (wow). They sounded to me like they'd expected to be shot down, and those I said I would look up again when I was ready to go out (in the future - this was May - July), sounded as though they didn't take me seriously, when I was serious.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 It's probably not farfetched to wonder whether a guy who wants to "make her feel guilty" for not responding to him is also a guy who won't be very graceful or polite about her rejection message.
mortensorchid Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 I don't know what the point is of that. If the person never responded to you whatsoever then it's not worth your time. For all you know it's a dummy profile or spam. Just move on.
Anela Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 I'm sorry, but those messages hurt my feelings. I don't like being cussed at and insulted. Sorry, I don't. It is not my job to police that site. And I shouldn't have to expose myself to that nonsense if I don't want to. So I don't. If it makes me 'lazy' and 'rude' to want to avoid being called an 'ugly cVnt' by random men, then so be it. You aren't lazy, or rude. I've had men message me on there, not remembering that they'd already contacted me two weeks before. they tended to use the same line, as well.
Shaun-Dro Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 Yeah, if they're not answering, I wouldn't send a follow up. I know it feels crappy not to get a response but you can't get hung up on it. These messages you're sending, in the grand scheme of things they mean nothing. I know it sounds bitter and cold, but just sort of get in that mindset and it'll make it better. Don't get your expectations up, don't get your hopes up, just roll with it. Easier said than done, I know. Also, you may already be doing this, but keep your messages short, upbeat, and nothing too weird. Mention a thing or two about the profile (or that you have in common with them) and then a question or two. A joke is good, but it can be hard to get that across in a message and senses of humor can differ widely. Really, send out a lot and don't really look back when you do. If it's any comfort, for all the girls that get hundreds of messages a week, there's probably a decent number that get few or none. I'm going to assume that the OP is only messaging attractive unattainable young women who more likely than not are getting bombarded with many other emails from higher prospects. I say leave it alone and find a woman in a social setting somewhere. She'll be less likely to reject you so easily.
daphne Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 But finally, let me tell you why I quit responding: I would write my nice and polite rejection response and guys would respond with something insanely mean and hurtful like, "**** you, you ugly Cvnt. You're going to be single forever, blah, blah, blah." I would try so hard to be nice to these guys and I would say 8 out of 10 of them would spew straight venom back in my face. So yeah, I quit responding. Sue me. Wow. That's foul. I had that happen once, where a guy wrote me a long, control freaky, angry, psycho email about responding that I wasn't interested. He informed me he was blocking me. I guess he thought I was a psycho like him and would actually engage him. Another guy wrote a long winded diatribe about my hubris over not responding to him. He peppered his insults with compliments that I was beautiful. It was like he wanted to spur a reaction, but not ruin all chances of hearing from me. The amusing part of it was that I'm glad he did that, because I would have been interested in him had I not met current guy the first day I went back online.
oaks Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 If you take the time to write a well thought message to a girl and she doesn't respond, what's a good, short comeback? Nothing obscene or obnoxious, just something to send a few days later that will make her feel a little guilty? Can't decide if you're trolling for a reaction, or just clueless. Based on previous posts, I'm still not sure, especially since you previously reported getting about a 15% response rate on OKC (which is quite high). Also, I thought you were just using a standard form letter - the one that starts "I gotta tell you, your profile really came off the page." - so how much time is it really taking you to paste that in and insert a few keywords from her profile? You need to get into a mindset such that when you hit 'send' on that initial message you immediately put that girl out of your mind. Just assume that you'll never hear anything from her and don't look at her profile any more. If the site has the feature, remove her from your future searches (without blocking her since you want her to be able reply, of course) so that you don't see her profile next time you do a search. (You're using OKCupid, so click on "Hide".) Then you need to find another nice girl to write to. And another. And another. If it's eating away at you every time someone doesn't reply then you need to quit doing online dating until you figure out how to deal with that (aka grow thicker skin).
DeusExMachina Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 She either not interested or too busy to respond. Best thing to do is do nothing and move on. If you want to absolutely ruin any chance you may have with her then keep writing her. Women think that is creepy and more then likely will get you blocked. Rejection sucks, especially being ignored. That is part of the life, dust yourself off and move on. If you want to shame the person you are interest for in to a relationship, then you need to rethink why you need a relationship. You want a person that enhances your life and you both compliment each other. If feel lonely and need someone to fill that void then you are not ready for a relationship. I wish you the best, dating can be brutal.
DeusExMachina Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 Wow. That's foul. I had that happen once, where a guy wrote me a long, control freaky, angry, psycho email about responding that I wasn't interested. He informed me he was blocking me. I guess he thought I was a psycho like him and would actually engage him. Another guy wrote a long winded diatribe about my hubris over not responding to him. He peppered his insults with compliments that I was beautiful. It was like he wanted to spur a reaction, but not ruin all chances of hearing from me. The amusing part of it was that I'm glad he did that, because I would have been interested in him had I not met current guy the first day I went back online. They are absolute control freaks. They feel rejected and hurt, they want to make sure you feel worse then they do over 'your rejection' of them. I don't envy women in the online dating world. Men can be very aggressive and shameless, women unfortunately bare the brunt of this in the online dating world. I dislike being ignored and would rather have a simple 'sorry not interested' replay, but life goes on and I move on.
DearAbby Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 Ewww Please tell me you are not writing them back with a good come back LMAO. That is going to make you look crazy. If someone is not interested, they are not interested. I mean perhaps, you could write back and say that you know she hasn't replied but at least have a phone call so you can prove how hilariously funny you are and what she is missing. But, to say something rude, ok buddy, that's really going to get her to want to meet you. Ok then.
Twos Company Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 Really not a good idea to seek some sort of 'get back at them' validation. You may feel temporarily relieved or whatever to have had your say, but you may as well be blowing in the wind, and it makes you look controlling and uptight. Maybe look for other ways to meet women, as online dating can be very disappointing and frustrating, and I say this from personal experience. I have had emails ignored by men, and I too have ignored emails, though I do make a judgement call on whether to respond of not when I know I'm not interested. If some one makes the effort and sounds genuine, then I will respond with a 'thanks but don't think we'd suit'. I have never had a nasty reply, in fact I have been thanked more often than not for taking the time to respond. One guy persisted in trying to strike up a conversations with me despite replying to him with a 'don't suit' email, he didn't get the message at all so I blocked him, this was after about 4 messages from him saying stupid stuff like a single 'hi'. I think where it gets a bit more uncertain re replying etc, is when you've been corresponding with someone and come to realise you are not a good match. People tend to just disappear, I usually tell them I have had second thoughts and don't wish to waste their time, and wish them all the best. OLD has so much potential for abuse and crappy behaviour from both sexes, I guess I'd say it's best to have your own personal ground rules of what is acceptable to you or not and stick to it rigidly.
joystickd Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 let it go. there are too many to be focused on some that dont respond
daphne Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 They are absolute control freaks. They feel rejected and hurt, they want to make sure you feel worse then they do over 'your rejection' of them. I don't envy women in the online dating world. Men can be very aggressive and shameless, women unfortunately bare the brunt of this in the online dating world. I dislike being ignored and would rather have a simple 'sorry not interested' replay, but life goes on and I move on. Agreed. It doesn't bother me as much as bemuses me, but it's a little disturbing that I might have dated the second one had I not met someone else. How many guys hide this type of behavior for a while? Scary. The fact that you can take the disappointment and move on, like the rest of us, shows that you're better adjusted and have a better chance of success.
kvinna Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 You're upset at them for not responding, yet you want them to go "ah thank god I didn't respond to this crazy psycho freak!"??
LZ2000 Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 This thread is very enlightening. My philosophy and approach to such a situation currently now is to meticulously write a polite articulate message first, and if the person replies, that would give me another reason to write another message with equal politeness and articulate quality. The process repeats itself. However, somewhere halfway after a few exchange of messages, when the other party does not reply............. the silence or the sudden disconnect seems disturbing. I also faced the same dilemma when it comes to friends of both sexes. And also when it comes to online dating. At times, it is the silence that can eat away at your self esteem and cause your mind to wonder and think so much that it bothers you. I do my best not to let it happen to me.
LZ2000 Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 (edited) When I was online dating, I decided I was going to respond to EVERY SINGLE message I got, whether I was interested or not. If I wasn't interested, I would write something nice like: "Thank you for your nice message. I looked over your profile and you seem like and nice and attractive man, but I don't think we have much in common. Good luck on your search." Well, if i received such a message like that, I would respect you all the more for it. At least you made yourself 100% clear on what you want and not afraid to do so, that speaks volumes of a personal trait of strong character. Edited December 16, 2011 by LZ2000
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