My wife's passive aggressive behavior is driving me crazy!

[kuroneko]

Hi. I am new here and wanted to get some advice.

I have been married since December 2003 to a woman from Japan (I am an american).

At first, things were going well, but here lately, things are horrible. It seems that she is NEVER happy with ANYTHING, always walking around with a scowl on her face, never wants to do anything, always angry or upset about something.

My family won't talk to me or have anything to do with me now because they hate her.

My friends won't come over to see me because she is so unfriendly to everyone. I try so hard to make her happy and to lighten up the mood but then she just keeps acting bitchy until the point where I just get so fed up with it that I burst out and start raising my voice and getting so frustrated that it causes a huge argument between us at which point she says she is upset because of my temper which of course was caused by the way she acts in the first place but yet it is still all my fault. She also says that she doesn't love me when we argue or if she is mad at me *which sounds very childish to me* and she threatens to end our marriage whenever we argue. She says that it is all me and that I need to go to anger management, but she seems to think that she is doing nothing wrong with her passive aggressive behavior.

This has been going on for a while now, but here lately, it has gone on non stop for over 2 weeks straight. (she claims it is PMS, however, if it IS PMS, then it lasts about 3 and 1/2 weeks out of the month)

Usually, when we get to the point that we are yelling at each other, she packs her things and says she is leaving, only to start slowing down towards the end of her packing and come up with some excuse to stay *It is usually me talking her down the best I can being rational*....usually she says that I have forced her to leave or that I have told her to get out even though I haven't.

She just goes on and on that I have said that even when I calmly tell her that I never told her to leave and that she doesn't have to go.

I just don't know what to do anymore. She acts so pissed off if I even mention that I would like to have a friend over for a BBQ or something. It's like she doesn't want me to have any association with anyone, and if I do then she will make sure to punish me by making life hell for me.

I have done so much for this woman... she stays at home (doesn't have to work outside the home) I pay all the bills and do my best to make sure she has all she needs and wants *lately it has been a bit rough though as I am no longer able to work as much since I developed lung cancer and had to get my lung removed a couple of months ago*. I do not ask her to do anything around the house although she does do housework.

I want so badly for things to work out between us and I admit that there are times that we get along really fantastic, otherwise I would have just broken this off long ago, but I can only take so much of this attitude from her. Am I doing something wrong? I try so hard to make her happy...I have even started making arrangements for us to move to Japan as soon as I finish school in a couple of years so she can be near her own family again. If anyone has some advice for me I would be so grateful. Also, I really do not mean to make her out to be a monster and there are always two sides to a story, but this is my view from this side.

[zoomer]

Have you tried communicating with her "calmly" explaining in detail how you feel and why? Ask her to do the same. I am a woman who was "mad" all the time....and had my reasons that I felt my husband SHOULD have Known the reasons why. I felt it was crystal clear as to why I was mad. He had no clue. After a long, detailed conversation...we both understand each other much better and things are great. I'm no longer mad and if something happens that upsets me..I immediately tell him where before I kept it to myself. What you are describing is a vicious circle with one thing leading to another. Be honest. Tell her you love her and want to make it work, tell her that you want to have friends over but your afraid she will be mean or ugly to them and you want her to have a good time too. I also asked that my husband turn situations around and think how he would feel if I did the things he was doing that made me angry.

 

This discussion should have no yelling or temper flares involved. Remain calm and ask her to do the same. Don't interrupt ....LISTEN..... and ask her to do the same for you ...tell her to please hear you out and listen. I don't know if this will resolve all your problems but it sure couldn't hurt! Being open and honest will never hurt a situation. Good Luck to you.

[miz_barby]

Sorry to hear this! This is a time where she should be really supportive of you especially since you just had a lung removed!

I would say it has to be her, how can it be anything you're doing if you are loving and affectionate and try and do all you can for her?

I don't have much advice because if you have tried and talked to her...what else can you do??? Good luck in this situation and they say talking about it always helps!

[bluechocolate]

I have even started making arrangements for us to move to Japan as soon as I finish school in a couple of years so she can be near her own family again.

 

You should put that on hold until you have this sorted out. You don't have to tell her but if I were in you position I would be thinking very hard about moving to another country with someone, especially their home territory, who had such a difficult time communicating & who was making me miserable 3.5 weeks out of 4. You say that will be in a few years so you have time to work through this.

 

I think you should seriously consider some marriage counselling. If you think she'll be resistant you can go on your own & at least get some objective advice on how to deal with passive agressive behaviour & how to convince your wife to join you in counselling.

 

If you are the source of your wife's anger (& I suspect you are) it may be very difficult for you to get through to her. She gets moody & snarky to the point where you lose it, she threatens to leave, you convince her to stay, it's a vicous circle & you're both a part of it. This is why I think counselling would help.

 

You could also look for some reading material & websites that could help you to understand how these circles start & how to break out of them.

 

Good luck to you both.