PlumPrincess Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 I just realized that I might have done something slightly offensive. I went out for dinner with someone the other day, a date. The waitress came and asked us if it was going to be one bill or if we were going to split the bill. I told her that we were going to split the bill. I was looking for money in my wallet and when I found it and wanted to pay, I say the guy paid the whole bill. I wasn't exactly sure if he wanted to take the whole bill or not, I didn't hear him say that he invited me. Also, I didn't want to owe him anything, so I gave him my share of the bill. Looking back, I think, what I did might have been a bit off-putting? I have gone out with male friends and one of them sometimes takes the whole bill and I give him my share, so I'm sort of used to doing that (although, I have to admit, I find it weird that he pays the whole bill and expects me to give him my share. On the other hand, maybe my assumption is weird that he expects me to give him money. I've never asked, I just give him the money.), but maybe when you go out on a date with someone, it's not really expected?
Cypress25 Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 He didn't have to accept the money. He could have politely said "Don't worry about it, I got this." But he didn't, so I'm assuming he was fine with it.
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 He didn't have to accept the money. He could have politely said "Don't worry about it, I got this." But he didn't, so I'm assuming he was fine with it. True, too! What would you have done?
allina Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I'm confused. You said he didn't invite you? Was this a date? Did you invite him out? Also, you're the one that said you'd split the bill. What did he say when you handed him the money? Personally I think the guy should pay for dinner if he asks the woman out. However, it's courteous for her to then pay for the cab ride or take him out for a drink, something to show him appreciation if your case the situation is a little unclear.
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Personally I think the guy should pay for dinner if he asks the woman out. However, it's courteous for her to then pay for the cab ride or take him out for a drink, something to show him appreciation "Personally I think the guy should pay for dinner if he asks the woman out." That is such a stupid statement. Since 99.99% of the time it's the guy who does the asking, he's automatically expected to pay. Paying for your own cab is going to work if you have your own car. Nor will a drink work because a regular soda pop is less than $2. Considering how the avg meal can cost 20 bucks before tip, that's not compensation. This is the exact reason why some men are getting wiser to the dating scheme. Too many women want traditional courtship (i.e. free food and let the guy do the work), but don't want to be traditional women. For my sake, I never take a woman to dinner. There's are parks, bookstores, coffee shops, etc. that are cheaper for dates.
allina Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 "Personally I think the guy should pay for dinner if he asks the woman out." That is such a stupid statement. Since 99.99% of the time it's the guy who does the asking, he's automatically expected to pay. Paying for your own cab is going to work if you have your own car. Nor will a drink work because a regular soda pop is less than $2. Considering how the avg meal can cost 20 bucks before tip, that's not compensation. This is the exact reason why some men are getting wiser to the dating scheme. Too many women want traditional courtship (i.e. free food and let the guy do the work), but don't want to be traditional women. For my sake, I never take a woman to dinner. There's are parks, bookstores, coffee shops, etc. that are cheaper for dates. Too bad, it is what it is. And you're right, I never asked guys out. I'm not sure what you mean by women don't want to be traditional women? Isn't wanting a traditional courtship and a man that can afford dinner traditional?
lululucy Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I asked my now-boyfriend out on our second date and paid. I expect if we're doing something I want to do, I'll be paying, and vice versa. Outside of the relationship, when I was dating other guys I would let them pay for the first date if they offered but I wouldn't let them pay for the second. However if a guy invites me somewhere I can't afford, like hell I'm offering to pay. Sorry dude, dug your own grave.
serial muse Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I just realized that I might have done something slightly offensive. I went out for dinner with someone the other day, a date. The waitress came and asked us if it was going to be one bill or if we were going to split the bill. I told her that we were going to split the bill. I was looking for money in my wallet and when I found it and wanted to pay, I say the guy paid the whole bill. I wasn't exactly sure if he wanted to take the whole bill or not, I didn't hear him say that he invited me. Also, I didn't want to owe him anything, so I gave him my share of the bill. Looking back, I think, what I did might have been a bit off-putting? I have gone out with male friends and one of them sometimes takes the whole bill and I give him my share, so I'm sort of used to doing that (although, I have to admit, I find it weird that he pays the whole bill and expects me to give him my share. On the other hand, maybe my assumption is weird that he expects me to give him money. I've never asked, I just give him the money.), but maybe when you go out on a date with someone, it's not really expected? I agree with Cypress - he didn't have to accept the money, but he did, so I don't think you need to worry about it further. I think you did the right thing - unless someone steps up and says "I've got this" and grabs the bill right away, waving you off, it's better to pay your share up front. This goes for dates, dinners with friends, and basically any kind of group dining event. Of course, in a more general sense, this can lead to confusing signals, since some men may interpret a woman paying her way as non-interest on her part. But, given what I've seen on these boards, plenty of men interpret a woman not paying as being a golddigger. If you're damned either way, I'd certainly rather pay my way. If it's a good date, though, you and your date will be able to navigate these things without too much misunderstanding --> one sign of real compatibility.
thatone Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 (edited) i always pay. and yeah i like better restaurants, i'm a food snob, sue me. as a result i see paying as common courtesy. what's the alternative? i prefer to go to ruth's chris but i wind up with a shoe leather steak from chilis because you don't have the money and you have some stigma about money? or i could just find other people to go out with that don't have the same assumptions and reservations, then that problem is solved... people have different opinions about money just like people have different opinions about the weather. and yes, i have gone out with both types. the women who try to place some sort of expectation on money are 'off putting' to me, in your words, to be honest. i really don't care what a dinner costs. in the grand scheme of things it's a small amount of money no matter where it gets spent. Edited December 14, 2011 by thatone
jobaba Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I always pay on the first few dates. Sometimes when the woman has insisted on paying it almost seems to me she has no interest whatsoever and feels guilty for me taking her out. Then again, I've been on a lot of one and done dates... I think a better question is "When do you start regularly going dutch?"
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 Thanks all for your input. I can't really relate to that kind of behavior, because I never do. When I grab the bill and pay it all, I would not expect my friend/date to pay. If they insisted, then I would tell them that it was fine. It would feel a bit weird to me to pay the bill and still accept the money. I don't think he was trying to show off to the waitress or that he was stingy, I'm more wondering if a woman who behaves like that comes across as too independent and disinterested.
serial muse Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Thanks all for your input. I can't really relate to that kind of behavior, because I never do. When I grab the bill and pay it all, I would not expect my friend/date to pay. If they insisted, then I would tell them that it was fine. It would feel a bit weird to me to pay the bill and still accept the money. I don't think he was trying to show off to the waitress or that he was stingy, I'm more wondering if a woman who behaves like that comes across as too independent and disinterested. Yeah, it's possible...this falls into that big fuzzy grey area. He might have decided to take the money after all because he assumed you wanted it that way, for whatever reason - possibly because you're disinterested, possibly because you just prefer to go dutch. He might have just taken it because it's a kneejerk reaction to accept when someone offers...really hard to say. This sort of thing is so subject to interpretation. I really do think, though, that it's not a bad bellwether for compatibility in general. If you run up against someone who can acknowledge that and take it in stride, and you do too, then that's a good sign that you'll resolve conflict well. Or, conversely, if you just both happen to be on the exact same page about it from the outset (guy always pays; first date always dutch; etc.) Any sign of a followup date??
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 Yeah, it's possible...this falls into that big fuzzy grey area. He might have decided to take the money after all because he assumed you wanted it that way, for whatever reason - possibly because you're disinterested, possibly because you just prefer to go dutch. He might have just taken it because it's a kneejerk reaction to accept when someone offers...really hard to say. This sort of thing is so subject to interpretation. I really do think, though, that it's not a bad bellwether for compatibility in general. If you run up against someone who can acknowledge that and take it in stride, and you do too, then that's a good sign that you'll resolve conflict well. Or, conversely, if you just both happen to be on the exact same page about it from the outset (guy always pays; first date always dutch; etc.) It wasn't really bad, I just remembered it yesterday and thought I might have acted a bit weird. Any sign of a followup date?? Uhoh... I don't think there will be, but not for that reason (I had posted about it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302353/ And here's the update: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3770633&postcount=34). He's also 28 and I'm 35. And I'm digging my co-worker... I am open to going out with him and getting to know him better, because after all I'm single and who knows what the future holds, but things are just not flowing, starting from arranging a date to the awkward conversation.
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